Warning: This story contains scenes of abuse, harassment, murder, and suicide. There may be some resemblance of the story's places, names of characters, and other scenarios in real life situations, but I assure you that it is all used in a fictitious manner.
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They say life is great. That it is such a wonderful gift that we should treasure. That it is a sacred virtue we should always be thankful for having.
But I hated it. I hated everything my life had gave me.
Until he came. The brightest person to come to my dark life. The one who made me hope in life, but hopeless in love.
Hindi ko kailanman naisip na mararamdaman ko lahat ng pinadama niya sa akin. It felt surreal. Like a demon who finally behaved like an angel, I followed him as he lead me to the brighter side of my life. It was a wonderful experience, not until I knew it was all scripted.
Even with the explanations, I found myself despising him and being back with my usual behavior. Ang mga panahong sinubukan kong maging maayos ang buhay ko ay tapos na. Wala nang saysay ang lahat simula nang malaman ko ang katotohanan.
Since then, I realized that life is indeed cruel. No matter how many people say that it is wonderful and full of colors, I am not gonna believe it anymore. Not when I am busy focusing on the black side of it, not when I am obsessed on getting rid of it and instead getting ready for the flames of hell to welcome me.
My hands trembled as I approached the rails of the bridge. Saglit kong dinama ang lamig ng gabi, iniisip kung gusto ko ba talaga ang gagawin ko, kung sigurado ba ako.
And I am damn sure.
May mga tao sa tulay. Wala sa kanila ang nakatingin o pumapansin man lang sa akin. Ayos lang naman iyon dahil sanay naman ako.
I grew up with my entire family not caring what the hell I do. Ngayon ay kahit siguro gawin ko ang gusto kong gawin ay hindi pa din nila ako papansinin. Hindi nga sila makarating kahit birthday ko, sa libing ko pa kaya.
Dahan-dahan kong inangat ang sarili ko sa tulay. Sa mga sandaling ito ay sigurado na akong tatapusin ko na ang lahat. All my sorrows, pains, sufferings...it's all gonna end now. Sa mga nagdaang mga taon ay minsan lang akong naging masaya, at napaka-sakim ng mundo para udlutin iyon ng napakaaga.
Being with him wasn't the only time I became happy. I also had those wonderful good old times in where I didn't care about any sorrows.I should've treasured them while it lasted. Golden days where I used to sing nursery rhymes on top of my lungs, play on puddles or playhouses,busy daydreaming of unicorns and rainbows, or play hide and seek with my friends under the heat of the sun on our wide field.
Friends. They also betrayed me. Just when I thought they're gonna stay by my side during my horrible nights, they chose to spy on my already ruined life and ripped it mercilessly even more.
Siguro ngayon na mawawala na ako, wala na silang maiisipang buhay na sisirain pa. They pretend they are good people, always saying words of comfort whenever you're drunk and wasted. Pero sa oras na nasa matinong pag-iisip ka ay sila pa mismo ang magbibigay ng problema sayo, secretly.
I am going to hell now, siguro doon din sila patungo pero ngayon mauuna muna ako.
In swift movements, I found myself standing above the rails of the bridge, ready to jump and end what's left in me. But just when I thought everything's going to an end, a pair of arms suddenly find their way to my feet,wrapping it around me, preventing me from doing what I intended to do. Another set of arms was felt in my back. Then suddenly I am surrounded by a crowd of people I was busy cursing just moments ago.
Great. Just great. They are crying. Begging for me to come down and stop me from ending my life, apologizing for the mistakes they purposely did.
Tinignan ko sila mula sa likod at naisipang dahan-dahan na bumaba at harapin sila. They wiped their tears and began to joke that I was just "nag-iinarte". Fuck you, bitches. Kayo itong magaling umarte at mag-inarte, sarap sampalin isa-isa. Tinawanan ko lang sila.
"Galing naman. Nandito kayo. Ano 'to? Advance party para sa libing ko? " biro ko at agad silang sumimangot at yumuko. They look sorry, pero matagal ko nang alam na ang mga ganyang galawan ay kasama sa mga arte nila.
"Ci, we're sorry. Hindi na kasi namin nakayanan ang mga gulo ng buhay mo. We just tried to fix--"
"What was it that you wanted to fix, huh? My life? Oh well, salamat sa inyo, it's ruined. You all ruined it! And now I am back to my broken state! " pag-histerya ko sa harap nila.
I hated how vulnerable I am right now, in front of the people whom I thought would renew my faith in life, but instead pushed me to end it. They may be not the top reason why I am doing this, pero sila ang dahilan kung bakita umabot sa ganito ang lahat.
They shouldn't have introduced me to that man again. A man who is already into someone else, whom they disturbed just to 'make me happy' even for just a while. A very stupid plan. I know. I have known these people for a very long time, ngayon ko lang nalaman kung saan talaga umaabot ang kabobohan nila.
Nagsimula akong maglakad lagpas sa kanila, sinubukan nila akong pigilan kaya mabilis akong tumakbo. Sinubukan na naman nila akong habulin. I just rolled my eyes and ran faster. I am a fast runner since highschool, and I can surely run past these pathetic friends of mine. But how the hell have I never learn to successfully run from all the problems this life gave me?
I kept running fast, and I can still hear them running, too, trying to get to me and apologize once again. Para kaming mga baliw pero hindi naman nila ito kailangang gawin kung hindi nila ginawa ang kagaguhang mga iyon.
Patuloy pa din akong tumatakbo nang narinig ko ang mga ingay ng mga sasakyan at pumasok ang isang napakagandang ideya sa utak ko. At dahil mission failed ako kanina dahil sa mga gago kong kaibigan na napakagaling umarte, the idea in my head is exactly the best thing to do to end this miserable life of mine.
Nakangisi ako habang tumakbo patungo sa gitna ng kalsada, handang salubungin ang mga naglalakihang sasakyan with open arms.
Come on, Satan. Just take me.
Sarado ang utak ko kaya kahit ang mga hindi ko kilalang mga sigaw ay hindi ko pinapakinggan. They say I should back out, that I will still be okay.
No folks. You don't know anything about my life. It's all torn apart, and me myself is broken in pieces.
Sinubukang tumigil ng unang trak sa karera ng mga sasakyang magdadala sa akin kay Satanas pero dahil oras ko na talaga ay patuloy ako nitong sinalubong.
Sa mga nalalagas na segundo ng buhay kong hindi naging maginhawa at matiwasay, nakangisi pa din ako. Sa wakas, matatapos na din itong buhay na 'to. Sa aking mga huling hininga ay dala ko pa din ang mga alaala ng buhay kong sira-sira, mga alaala ko sa mga taong akala ko patuloy na mananatili sa tabi ko habambuhay.
Pero heto ako, nag-aagaw buhay at ni anino ng lalaking mahal ko ay hindi ko masilayan. Mabuti sana kung bago ako tumapak sa impyerno ay makita ko ang anghel na minsang sinubukang sagipin ako. Pero wala siya, hindi siya paparito para lang sa babaeng napag-utusan niya lang mahalin.
Minutes later and I am already lying on the street, soaking in my own blood while a flock of people crowded over my dying state. I feel my whole system shutting down, and I feel myself closing my eyes nearly, when a familiar figure was caught by my eyes. Oh please, if these is indeed my last breath, I won't waste it still hoping to see him.
Tuluyan ko nang isinara ang mga mata ko, at kasabay niyon ay ang pagtulo ng luha galing din doon. Hindi ko mabatid kung para saan iyon, masyado nang mahina ang buong sistema ko para intindihin pa iyon. Pero sa loob-loob ko ay nasisiguro ko pa ring ang luhang iyon ay dulot ng kasiyahan, sa 'di malamang dahilan.