Ciara's pov
Wala akong ganang umakyat patungo sa kuwarto ko after I heard their conversation. If only my heart could allow me to leave him, I'll do it right away. I won't hesitate to leave this house and never turn my back again to him. I want to unlove him, but there's no such thing. It's so hard that I just want to die to stop myself from struggling.
But it was my heart that kept stopping me from leaving him. My heart wanted me to stay here and bare all the pain I was experiencing. It's toxic, I know. But what could you do if you loved someone so much that you wanted to take everything at risk just to be with him?
Am I the only one who's like this? Or does someone understand how I feel? It's hard and I felt so sorry for the person who has the same situation as me.
I let my body fall on the bed and did not complain to the pain when I finally felt them as I let my body rest. I didn't mind those wounds and bruises on my body that were aching.
May mas sasakit pa ba sa mga katotohanan na nalaman at nakita ko ngayong araw? Is there any more painful than the fact that your husband was so comfortable bringing his woman into your house while his wife was struggling and locked up in the abandoned room? It's so funny that he never hesitated hurting me, and still has the courage to make it look like I'm not really worthy for him, that even if we're married, I can't do anything if he wants to get married to someone else.
Muli ko inalala ang mukha ni Tyron kanina, on how happy he was to be with and talk to the woman he loved. Kailan ko kaya mararamasang makita 'yun? When will I get a chance to see his genuine smiles that I am the reason behind?
Maybe, the moment I was already laying on the white bed, peacefully sleeping with a cold and lifeless body.
Unluckily, I won't see his smile because I can't open my eyes anymore at that time.
I chuckled, a pain was so visible as I forcedly smiled as I thought of the reason, marahil iyun naman talaga ang katotohanan. He would be so happy seeing me lying down and lifeless, wouldn't he? Instead of tears, he'll just stare at me with his victorious smile.
Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakahiga at dumiretso sa harap ng aparador ko para kuhanin ang first aid at sinimulang linisin ang mga galos ko sa katawan na hindi na nawala-wala, dahil mas lalo lang itong nadaragdagan kada araw na lumilipas.
"Ah!" I moaned when I felt the pain as I unintentionally pressed the cotton hard on my knee. I felt like tearing up not because of the pain, but because of the fact that I can't fight back even if I have a right and I know I can.
But every time my conscience eats me up because of the thought that I ruined his life, I stop myself from fighting back. Thinking that I deserve this because I became so impulsive in my life, ruining someone's life for my own happiness. Isn't that unfair to him? He's there getting excited and can't stop thinking about kneeling down in front of his girlfriend not knowing on that day, he'll be tied to someone else, to someone he doesn't know and love, he'll be tied to me. To someone so selfish like me.
And now here I am, facing all my consequences for being selfish in life. Getting hurt physically and secretly suffering mentally because of my health. This karma is really something, I only made a mistake once in my life but the punishment was so terrible and unacceptable, grabe kamatayan? Hindi ba't parang sobra naman ata 'yun, Lord? O hindi pa 'yun sapat? Baka may gusto pang dumagdag sa lahat ng hinanakit ko, huwag kayong mahiya, saktan niyo lang ako. Last niyo na rin naman 'tong magagawa sa'kin, kaya lubos-lubusin niyo na.
Mamatay na rin naman ako.
I sighed. Stop being so dramatic, Ciara. You wanted this, so bear with it.
"Bakit ba sobrang lampa mo? Maglalakad ka na lang, madadapa ka pa." I talked to myself as I stared at my wounds. I remember those times that I can't stand properly anymore whenever he's hurting me.
"Hindi ko alam na ganito siya magmahal pabalik, a countless amount of wounds and unbearable pain." Suddenly, my voice became so down and gloomy, while tracing my body through the body mirror.
'If I ever leave him, will my life be peaceful like others? Will I get the freedom I was longing for? Will I get the contentment that I can only find in him? Will I be able to get the happiness and comfort I was not so sure that I can feel for anyone but only to him?
I want to start my life, but I really don't want to leave him all alone. I can't stand cutting my strings to him.
But she's not alone, Ciara. Have you forgotten that the one he really loves is already beside him again? and if you continue letting yourself looking fool and stupid, you will probably be the one left behind because he is now getting married, while you, still there hoping that he will love you, even if it's so obvious that he doesn't care about you at least a single chance.
Tears filled in my eyes.
Kahit ganoon, I still can't really leave him. Even though I had so many reasons to leave, I really couldn't just do it. Even his treatment doesn't go well with me, and he keeps pushing me away because he doesn't want to be with me, I won't give up that easily. I will still chooses to stay by his side no matter what happened.
"At kahit pa ikakasal siya sa iba, hinding hindi ko siya tatalikuran." I gently wiped away my tears when it ran down on my cheeks.
I will stay by his side, as long as I can. Martyr na kung martyr, hindi nila alam ang pakiramdam na magmahal ng taong hindi mo kayang bitawan. I will keep all my promises I told him before in front the altar, even though I know he doesn't take it seriously.
I picked up the small box that was placed on top of the papers inside the drawer. I stared at it for a moment and slowly opened it as I remembered how we got married from that day. It's still clear to my memory how I was so genuinely happy knowing that I'll be able to reach and hold the hand of the man of my dreams. I'll be able to get married to the man I was just watching and adoring from afar. Even if I knew he had a girlfriend that day, I still forced my parents to set us up for a business marriage.
And now that the business they were holding in our family was done, he can now do whatever he wanted to do to me. He can even hurt me, and always tells me that this marriage was only for the business and nothing more.
Yeah, ang ibenta lang naman talaga para business ang silbi ko sa buhay.
I immediately wiped away my tears when something dripped down on my cheek again.
A one-sided love.
I didn't know you were this hurt. So much hurt that I needed to risk my life too. I saw this coming, pero hindi ko alam na ganito kahirap, dahil sa aming dalawa ako lang ang may nararamdaman para sa kanya, ako lang ang may pakialam sa relasyon na meron kami ngayon.
Nasa ganoon akong sitwasyon when I heard a gentle knock from my door, so I immediately wiped the tears from my cheeks when unexpectedly someone knocked on my door.
I quickly looked at my door to find out who that person was, I even forced myself to smile when I finally faced where my door was, but my tiny smile quickly disappeared and was replaced by shock when I saw who it was.
"H-hi?" She shyly greeted me when she entered my room. My lips loosen up because I didn't expect to see her here.
Anong ginagawa niya rito?
"A-ah.." I can't look at her properly because I don't feel comfortable seeing her around me. The fact that I just heard their conversation earlier hurts me, and now that she's here in front of me, it hurts me even more dahil mas lalo akong nanliliit sa sarili ko.
"A-anong ginagawa mo dito?" My voice cracked as I asked her.
"I'm sorry, naligaw kasi ako. I was wandering around and then I saw your room, bukas 'yung pinto, so I thought of entering. I didn't expect to see you here. I'm really sorry, I don't know. " She apologized, shyness and guiltiness were so visible in her eyes. I can even feel the agony in her when our eyes met. I tried to smile at her.
Why is she looking at me as if she wants to say sorry? Why is she acting like this infront of me? Doesn't she feel angry right now because she sees me? She sees the person who broke them apart?
"Hindi, ano ka ba. Ayos lang, d-don't be sorry.. you did nothing." I forced myself to look fine, even though I was stuttering a lot and seemed to not be so comfortable talking to her while I'm suppressing my emotions.
Why can't she just leave? She's hurting me. It hurts me a lot that after all, she's acting so kind in front of me that I wanted to feel furious towards her but I can't because this is how she acts. S-she's so kind..
I felt her walking closer to me, so I averted my gaze from her.
"I-I'm sorry.." I immediately raised my head to look at her when I heard the crack of its voice. I noticed that she was looking at my body full of bruises and wounds, so I quickly covered it all with my hands.
"Huh? D-don't be. Stop apologizing for things you didn't even do. Wala kang kasalanan, kaya huwag mong sabihin 'yan." I pretended and tried to hide the pain by smiling to show her that I was fine. She doesn't need to pity me because I'm doing alright, I'm fine.
She lowered her head, "I'm sorry. It's my fault why you're experiencing this kind of life. Hindi naman mangyayari ang lahat ng ito if I hadn't forced Tyron na bumalik sa akin, kahit pa alam ko nang kasal na siya sa'yo. I'm really sorry." Her apology made my heart clenched because I can sense that she really meant it and she didn't intend to hurt me and put me in this situation.
Of course it's not her fault, it's mine. I choose this so why would she be sorry. I'm the one who must be sorry to her because she wouldn't need to do this, sharing Tyron with me if I didn't become selfish.
"Hindi, ano ka ba. Huwag mong sabihin 'yan, wala kang kasalanan. You didn't do anything bad, sadyang galit lang siya sa akin. He hated me.. your husband despises me a lot that's why he's doing this to me. A-and.. I'm not complaining because I know I deserve this. I chose this." I tried to keep my voice straight and clear as I also tried to stop myself being emotional. I can't be weak. I need to be strong, I need to show her I'm okay.
Unexpectedly, she shook her head, disagreeing with all that I said, "of course you don't deserve this, no one deserves to be treated like this. Either way, your feelings are valid and you need to take care of your mental health, you should have not let him do this to you. And stop giving your property, he's your husband, not mine. Whatever you heard earlier, don't believe that. Sa ating dalawa, ikaw ang legal. Ikaw ang may karapatan so fight for it." She said,
"What's not to believe from it? It's so clear to me how he loves you.. and please. Stop acting so kind in front of me, i-it's hurting me. Kinakain ako ng konsensya ko every time you talked to me as if I hadn't done something, that's why you both end up in this kind of situation. O-one more thing, stop comforting me.. it's making it hard even more for me, the fact na nag p-plano na kayong ikasal, it's breaking me.. so please.. just leave and stop talking to me, it's not helping me."
As I finally utter those words, I shut my eyes for a moment and looked up to stop the tears who was about to shed. It hurts, a lot, like a lot.
"I told you not to believe whatever you heard kanina sa pinag-usapan namin. Honestly, wala naman talaga akong intensyon na pakasalan siya," she said and averted her eyes from me. Slowly my lips loosen.
"W-what do you mean?"
"Even if I want to, it's still not possible, dahil kasal na siya sa'yo. You're his wife and I will never be." She explained, but I shook my head showing her a disagreement.
"No, of course it's possible. May annulment naman, madali lang 'yun. Kaya sige lang, ipagpatuloy niyo lang kung anong gusto niyo.. besides.. it's you.. you are the one he really loves. Napilitan lang naman siyang pakasalan ako kaya madali lang if we got divorce." I smiled forcedly, even though I was actually in so much pain. It's too heavy to handle. I also don't know how I can manage to say how I feel without my tears dripping.
"I'm really sorry-"
"Hannah?!" We were both taken aback and quickly turned around and immediately stood up when we heard Tyron's terrifying voice. I felt like my body turned into rock when I saw him glaring at me.
"Tyron/Hon." As we both spoke, Tyron pulled her away from me. My eyes landed on their intertwined hands.
"What are you doing here?!" Tyron asked her with her high-toned, looking so furious while glaring at me.
"I'm just talking to her, there's nothing wrong with that!" She answered, eyebrows furrowed.
"You shouldn't be talking to trash, come on!" And once again, Tyron pulled her as they left together, Hannah even glanced at me.
"Sorry," she mouthed. I smiled forcedly and just sat on the bed when they finally disappeared from my sight. I felt my tears welling up that I had been holding back.
Basura lang pala ang tingin niya sa akin kaya ganito na lang kadali para sa kanya na alilain ako.