In the morning, I woke up tired and felt terrible due to stress and lack of sleep. I was inside the publication office with my juniors while recalling the day I confronted her mother about her possible pregnancy.
Flashback…
I came back home late and saw my mother, Lyna De Leon, in the living room. My mother looked like she wanted to explode, but she bit her tongue since my siblings were there. I could feel the dread that she perfectly hid. I felt the same as I looked at her composed face. The seemingly collected woman understood complicated cases, yet she failed to understand her daughter.
“Why are you late? Where were you? I can't contact you for hours, and the security guard back in your school said you left after lunch” There was venom laced in her words and I knew if I didn’t answer carefully, I’d get more than just a time out.
“I’m sorry mom, I was with my friend Kim. Today is their sports festival and I decided to go to her and hang out. She said anyone, even if it’s a person from another school, could go there, so I took the chance and went. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to contact you. I lost track of time, and my battery died unexpectedly. I just borrowed her friend’s phone to call you so you wouldn’t be that worried”.
Mother looked at me with a face that tells me she doesn’t believe me one bit. I knew she would never believe me. My mother may not understand me ninety-five percent of the time, but she was eighty percent right whenever I tried to lie. I saw her have an inner debate and nodded.
“Go wash up and eat your dinner. Clear your schedule tomorrow morning and let’s talk.”
“Talk? Is there a problem with the family again? Don’t tell me dad wants me to do something that I don’t want to do again.”
“Enough! The meeting is not about your father. It’s about you and your decisions in life. You’re still not agreeing on your father's proposal about being part of the Philippine National Police, and it’s worrying the both of us.”
I knew she was going down that road. My parents have money, yes, but they also dare to force their dreams on their children. I know my mom is not that bad, and she wants to support me with my dreams. However, her lack of faith and her martyrdom when it comes to my father is the reason I hate her guts to speak to me as a loving mother. Money could never replace nor buy the true loving connection that our family lacked.
“Fine, I’ll talk to you mom, but I’d rather do it tonight when dad’s out and everyone’s asleep”.
I proceeded to go to the bathroom and had the urge to throw up everything I ate. I left the bathroom and overheard my mother talk to my cousin Perry and Annie. They have been staying with us for years, and my parents helped them with their schools since they both lacked parental figures and financial assistance.
“Are you sure that her period is still late? I know she has irregular periods because of her size, but it’s been months.” My mom asked my cousins.
I knew my cousins would always cover for me unless I’m in a gigantic mess and I need real assistance.
“I want you to sit down and keep your voice quiet. Your father won’t be home until dawn so you and I have a few hours to ourselves” Her eyes became a bit glossy and I suddenly knew where this talk was heading.
“You fell asleep while you were making your projects yesterday night, and your account was open. I saw the name of the guy that you were messing around with, and was able to read every conversation that you and that guy had.”
I froze, and I did everything in my power to prevent the unwanted tears from escaping my eyes. No wonder my mother has been extra strict and extra nosy with my schedules. I was a hundred percent sure that she hired someone to hack my account.
“Shyne, you’re my daughter and I know I did my best to raise you the best way I knew how. You have everything you could ask for, and your future is brighter than most people. Why would you throw it away for a bastard who has nothing to offer. Did you do it because he was great in bed? Are you in love with that guy to risk getting pregnant at such a young age by a thug?!”
Everything that my mother was saying stabbed my heart like a flaming sword. I couldn’t breathe properly and tears were escaping from my eyes slowly. She kept repeating how stupid I was for loving a guy with no future and I snapped.
“Do you hate me and your father that much for you to destroy the future that we tirelessly built for you? Just because of a lowlife that offers you nothing but sex, you’d throw away all of our dreams for you and your future?!”
“I went wild not because I wanted to, mother! I rebelled against you because I am so sick and tired of being this trophy child that needs to be seemingly perfect for the sake of this family’s pathetic ego! I am so tired of being chained by your expectations and rules. I just want to be free to think and move, to make mistakes and learn, and to have a family that treats me like a daughter and not just as a test subject or a dummy that you control, mom”.
I wanted to make her feel my pain. I knew no one forced me to be in the mess I was in now, but I couldn’t stop the words that came out of my mouth. I knew I struck a nerve inside her, and I could never take back any of the words I said.
“Do you believe I am that low to cling to that man for the sake of sex?! Do you think that I am that big of a whore to risk everything just because I wanted to?! Yes, I dated him for experience, but I never stayed with him just so I could be in his bed. I couldn't escape because he was too obsessed with me, and I couldn’t risk his mouth running too loosely and destroying that precious De Leon name that you are all concerned about. You don’t know how many times I wanted to end my life because I couldn’t escape him, mom”.
Tears were falling from my eyes, and I saw my mother release a few tears as well. I was on a roll and continued my rant to her while keeping my voice as low as possible.
“You keep telling me you love me as a mother, you did everything, but everything you did was WRONG mom. Always doing the wrong thing, having the wrong timing, and I can’t breathe. I am so sorry for getting impregnated by a disgraceful man. I’m sorry I disappointed you when all I have ever wanted was your acknowledgement, not for doing what you want, but for being who I am. I lost my way and I hated the fact that I can’t even come to any of you because I KNOW you’d just push me farther".
A silent sob escaped my lips as my throat burned. The words mom said next caught me off guard. Her sincerity felt like it choked me with guilt, and all I wanted to do was use the gun she hid under the couch and kill myself.
“All I wanted was for you to be the best you could be Shyne. Right now, the name of the De Leon clan is not as important as the fact that you might be pregnant. You are my daughter, and it pains me to know that you were never happy with your life. I would never have thought you would hate your life enough to be blinded to the point of this”.
A heavy silence fell and me and my mother each tried to collect ourselves. Whatever my mother would decide will have to happen, and I have no power to change it.
“A check-up is not an option or else your father will know it. If you're pregnant, you will need to tell your father and give birth far away. If you’re not pregnant, we will keep this to ourselves, and no one will ever know”.
I felt both heavy and relieved at the thought of her sincere desire to help me.
“Finally, I’ll make sure he won’t be able to go near you. I won’t kill him even if I can and want to because I still fear God. I want you to stop every form of communication and to stop worrying about his mouth. Shyne, I’ll handle his words, and you make sure you live as if none of this ever happened.”
“Yes mother, I will. I’m sorry for troubling you again and for disappointing you.”
My mother left me, and I went up to my room to cry in private. I texted Rian that I’m breaking up with him and that I will never see him again. I received multiple texts from him and calls, but I decided to change my number.
I held my stomach tightly, and I had the urge to cry more and talk to the possible fetus that was forming inside of me.
“Hey little guy, I’m sorry if you heard mommy and your grandma arguing for a while. I'm not sure if you’re there or not, but-” a sob escaped my lips quietly. “But if you’re there, please be an angel and let go of mommy sweetheart. I want to have you but now is not the right time. If you are there now, we can't meet each other when you come out”.
I hugged my belly and just cried my eyes out while whispering my guilt to the child that I’m not sure I have. At midnight, I stood up and took the bible displayed near my bed. I've never read it before, but at times like these, I needed to believe in something, in anything that can give me hope. The bible fell and it opened to a verse that gave me goosebumps.
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
For the first time in my life, I kneeled on the floor and hugged my tummy while I poured out all my feelings to the God my mom introduced to me before as Papa Jesus. I was an Atheist before, but this time, I would believe a rock if I had to out of desperation.
The moment I slept that night, something dark fell on me, and I could feel something dark and heavy looming and surrounding me. It felt eerie and unsettling as I was half asleep and half awake.
Present time…
“Hey sis, you okay? You fell asleep while doing press work, and everyone just let you rest,” Izzy and Perry stood in front of my desk, and worry was etched on their faces. “What did you dream of this time?”
“When I broke up with Rian, this dark and heavy thing began to surround me in my dreams, and I've felt it from time to time ever since. I just realized that the same dark thing only disappeared when I began having hallucinations of Rian".
“Well, that’s both bad and useful news sis. I checked every letter you sent, and I found a book online that had the same words. A cult member posted a few pages of the book and they matched the ones on the letters. I think your ex is part of that cult, and he’s the one haunting you”.