When I was a child, and before I become mature, my time as a kid wasn't as good as other children do, one day I suffer a foot injury in the upper top of my knees and it was bleeding, when I came home filled with nothing but bruises and painful twist in the back of my head, my father who's drunk and violence took his anger of losing in gambling on me.
I was a child back then, maybe 7 or 8-years-old, and I didn't have a mother, nor did my father care for me. I always blame myself for my father's suffering throughout the years where he had lost his loving wife, but slowly the beating, the violence, and the blaming. I got used to his words and always remembered what he had told me several times.
It wasn't my fault, I said, but if I wasn't born that day then my mother would have lived because this is all my fault. I push all the blame on me from my father's misfortune and his despair, so even if he beats me up, kicks me, hits me, punches me, drowns me, I feel so numb that the pain I felt at a young age becomes nothing and I haven't cried even once.
I got used to my life being treated like nothing, I'm used to blaming myself for all of my father's doing and accepted my moments where I can die without the worth and meaning to this world. I lost my ability to feel, the emotions that I kept hidden and my tears that never shed.
Long after that, my drunkard father died on the streets. He was beaten to death by 4 men who leave no trace of recognition on his face, he was painfully tortured until he lost his breath because of his age and his illness. He was robbed and lost possession of my mother's necklace which was worth hundreds of gold.
That time I didn't know what to feel nor do I feel sad, but I felt so empty, and lost at the same time. I lost my parents but I didn't shed tears not even once when my father was buried beside my mother's grave where both of their names had been sculpted through the stones with no design. I was the only one present and no one came because they hated my father.
I glared at his tomb and asked him a simple question. "Why? " I didn't know what to feel nor what to say when he died, but I always thought that every despair and misfortune that he suffered was my fault, but now I know that I didn't do anything.
Even asking about his tomb, I never got an answer, nor did I care anymore. When my father died, they took all of his possessions, forcing me into the orphanage. I was 10-years-old back then, unlike other children in the orphanage, I was different.
They looked at me like a monster, someone who doesn't change much of her expression and someone who cannot smile despite the occasion, they all were terrified of me, even the sisters who were taking care of us didn't like me, they looked into my eyes like I was a spawn of demon and they neglected me.
Until one day came... "Does you wanna survive? Do you wanna be free? Do you want to feel like you belong in a place? Then take my hands and do that." I was a child who didn't know better, I doubted but in the end, my hands accepted her offer.
Even though I knew she was lying, I can't help but accept her hands and accept my fate. I'm no longer in control of my life so what use am I then becoming a tool, it was my mistake but I accepted it.
That was the moment I met the Shamans... A group of civil ladies who came across the world who had created the name Shaman, do they mean 'Honorable Pride Of The Female Warrior' or so how they describe. The Shamans are an association of ladies from both commoners, royalty and nobles. They created the 'Haiken Village' residing in the Fai Province.
While hiding from the outside world, the Shamans had trained their female warriors into fine soldiers that could be of use to the royalties. The Shaman only serves one master after arriving at their destination, the Shamans associate with an empire to bring them a mighty warrior that will help them with needs and battlefields.
I was given to the Lu Kingdom when I was 14, it took me about 3 years to train and 5 more years since I arrived at the palace. I become a tutor of the crown prince and advisors of the second prince who happens to be the same age as me.
Finally, I became of use on the battlefield when I became 16, they sent me on the front line instead of the prince who should show power with their own ability but the emperor did not consider sacrificing the life of his son and decided to send me off since I'm simply a tool for them.
I brought back countless victories in one year, after a year, the Shaman declared my new title. I didn't know what it feels like, but when they turned their gazes on me with aspiration, I knew for sure that something would happen.
"You have been given the role 'Reaper' Congratulations!" they said happily because they didn't know its meaning. I heard once that the repear is a role only given to a hopeless Shaman who does not feel anything. The reaper must collect the souls and possessions of every man dying on the battlefield, it is her duty to bury and send their souls to the heavens like a soaring angel.
Many of those that have been chosen are neither numb nor heartless. The reaper is a responsibility to kill or to fulfill the dying wishes of its ally and the enemy. The emperor gave me applause like some kind of an idiot because they didn't know what the Shinigami (reaper) truly meant.
The Shinigami carries the ability to hear the voices of the dead, I was able to hear everything so even sleeping didn't help me relieve my stress. The voices kept on calling and chanting the title "Our Shinigami, Our Reaper" a dozen times.
The pleas, the wishes, their emotions, their anxiety, I've heard all of them... Until I had broken into pieces which led me to accept Iris's wish to meet up... Yes, I'm finally dead...
--+-•-+--
I wasn't dreaming... Nor I'm in heaven nor hell... I looked around a room that flutters every bone in my system, the design is to over exaggerate, the colors and the ceiling, the furniture and the white-veil curtains covering up this moshing bed sheets and blankets, I sense a pillow underneath my hands and the oversize bed that looks so big for me.
I opened the white-veil curtains and a full-length mirror had suddenly reflected on me. This time I didn't have the muscle to move, because I saw the most beautiful lady I had ever seen in my life. Strange though, it feels like I portray the girl inside the mirror.
She gazes the same way as I do, she moves the same way as I do, her lips curve the same way as I did, all was reflecting within me and one thing I could say. This girl is me.
I immediately stood up from the bed but my body lacked the energy that should pull me off from standing straight and I ended up falling off to the ground. I didn't waste much time walking and instead, I pulled myself closer to the mirror.
No way!
Despite the resemblance, she's not me! She represents a noble lady while my appearance is average. She looks like a doll, her face that looks so pale, and she has pure diamond blue hair like the pale satiny wispy shaggy hair after waking up, her eyes blossom in the night that looks so much like the navy blue moon that usually appears rarely or never, she is timid and weak, that her body is so slim and malnourished.
I suddenly touched her face, but I only touched mine. With the sudden feeling of her smooth skin that touches mine, her lips from her glossy hair, I was left speechless. Neither so, I understand the situation quite well.
It seems that after death, I got reincarnated into some kind of place that I'm not aware of. Something is missing in my memories that I can't answer where the hell I am and who this girl is.
Who is this girl? No, instead of who this girl is, what is going on? I remember that the Shaman believes in a life after death, which is precisely reincarnation, so the question is... How can I remember my past life memories? If I get reincarnated then why are my memories from the past life visible and my current memory of this life isn't coming back to me.
What's happening?
There's no way... This is against the law of the afterlife, this is not good... I feel so weak and my heart pounds so fast that I could hear the beat of my beating heart, I slowly began to feel the sense of panic when I'm not even that nervous... She's so weak that even a small raise of my heartbeat could actually raise her temperature to maximum.
Is she sick perhaps?
*Knock Knock*
"Are you awake milady? "