"You can't swallow your own medicine, ano?" I've been restless after that unworldly argument I had with him. I could not even mention his name thinking I am unworthy of it.
Hindi 'ko na mabilang how many times I bit my tongue just not to let a tear escape from my eye. He's right, how could I judge him when I am afraid and tired of people's judgment of me?
But as a woman with pride and balls, how could I tell him I'm sorry?
I am not stupid enough not to know what he is pointing. But not any ounce of my pride could ever admit that I am wrong.
Kris, on the other line, kept on scolding me. 
I could not answer him. I could not make any excuses or even give a single explanation.
I deserve the scolding though.
I went down to take a breath of fresh air, to only see him outside standing outside his car. 
This is the first time I have the chance to watch him. 
Seeing him now makes my heart flutter as it shouldn't be. He looks like a guy from the movie that makes everyone goes crazy for him.
I mean, a man in his suit is something I would want to see every single day of my life. Men just look good in that oputfit, I could never deny that.
This is my chance to tell him I am sorry, right? 
I just couldn't... it's the first time people gave a fuck about my life and how I react at things and how I see things.
Oo nga't pakialamero siya, pero may punto naman siya kahit saang anggulo 'ko tingnan at kahit ang gulo gulo na.
I decided to go and talk to him but I will never say I am sorry. "Thanks?" I gave him a bottle of water, and I smirk that made him laugh. "Now, that you calm down are we still going through this shit?" 
I was offended? Is marrying me a shit for him? Why am I feeling stressed about that anyway? "I know I am stupid but I am not irresponsible who backs out on her own words." I just can't bring another disappointment to my father. No, over my dead body.
"I see you gets better every single tantrums you throw," that was supposedly a joke, right? But he is not laughing, so he is attacking me?! God, this guy just don't know when to step on his breaks, doesn't he?
I mean, I can tell that to myself first. "I see you gets braver evey single water bottle you drink." kibit balikat na sagot lamang ang ibinigay niya as he lean his body in his car. "Are you here to tell me how sorry you are for judging me? I mean, you can't earn much working as a part time judger."
I can't help but feel annoyed and at the same time funny with his remarks. "Then, does being your wife pays much?"
Kibit balikat siyang tumingala, "I don't know if being my wife is going to be that much, and I don't want to give you some empty words." from his position, he look at smiled at me. The only light we have now is how the moon shines for him. Even the moon is on his side. 
"Have you really though of spending your life with me? You kow, once we tie the knot there is no turning back." naka tingin lamang siya sa akin and I couldn't see his reaction very well. "Just like what you said, I am selfish most of the time."
I did not have the time to figured out when he removed his coat, but he did and he puts it on me. "You have sanity and conscience. It is not available for everyone, but it's there."
"Are you that really nosy?" thinking of what he said to me earlier, it only means he knows a lot about me and that woman. I don't blame him for knowing though, since that woman is an open book. 
Natatawang umiiling ito sa akin, "Just think of it, I've been the student council president for many years, and all I have in mind is how to fix someone else' problems. I can't tell what's my problem from their's anymore. It's like being their parents at school." Oh, that says about how his personality did not change after all these years.
"Can I ask you a question? It may be something too personal," he nodded his head. But I couldn't bring myself to ask him. Huh? Ikaw pa ba, Adel?  "I suck at sugar coating words so you have to brace yourself."  mahina siyang na tawa sa sinabi 'ko and it sounded real this time. Are we okay now? "What's your relationship with that woman?"
Naka tingin lamang siya sa akin, like it was like a joke or something. I saw how his mouth opened but then his phone rung, "Can I answer this first?"  I nodded my head in disbelief. So, if I said no, he would not answer the call?! Is that gentleman or what?
I am just standing there beside him, watching him how he tries to control his emotions from time to time.
He is annoyed and it is evidentg on his face, but he is still calm and polite. 
I have no slightest idea of what he is talking about but there was something wrong about the stocks and the board members.
I heard something about their company before- a lot of Doctors in the Hospital wanted him out because he is inexperienced and they knew how he hates being in medical industry.
But he is the sole heir of the whole company.
Hindi nakakaligtas sa paningin 'ko ang minsang pag sulyap niya sa akin. I mean, if that woman and this imbecile really had the past I could not touch, wow. Just wow!
All I can say is, that woman is really crazy for leaving a good man like him.
Kunot pa rin ang noo nito nang humarap sa akin while still browsing his phone, but looked straight in my eyes when he talk. "As much as I want to stay and talk it out with you, I still have some things left to do. So, if you may?"
I nodded my head twice, and immediately gave him his coat back. "I understand that work comes first."
Nag-iba na naman ang reaksyon nito, something I couldn't comprehend. May mali ba sa sinabi 'ko? "I don't mean to be rude. I wwant to sort things between us first before marrying you but I don't want to give you only half of my attention."
I literally frozed there when I finally understood his point. I should quit my part time job now, knowing him just really have me asking my morals and judgements in life. "No, don't worry about me. I still have korean dramas to binge."
I saw how his eyes smiled along with him. It's such a view! "Call me if you need anything, okay?" he pats my head and gestures that I should went inside my apartment before he leaves. "Make sure you lock the doors and windows. I'll see you first thing in the morning."
Like a loyal servant to his master, I did checked all my windows and even the back doors of the house.
I don't usually do things like this, because it is either I am tired from a non stop surgeries or I am not home at all.
My apartment is small, that perfectly fits a broke Doctor like me. I am not complaining much about how I love because I am always at work.
Okay na ako sa living room na may one couch and one television that I don't usually use, and if you look at the right side of the four corner of the room, you can see a bed that can fit my tiny body.
From the left side of the couch, you can see a comfort room enough for me to enjoy a shower.
A small table and chair is enough for me. See? This is how I lived my life. So, how will I adjust my life after being married?
Sure, their house is not that extravagant for me, but it's still big enough for the two of us! 
Bakit ba kasi kailangan pa namin humiwalay ng bahay when basically both of us are always not home?
See? It's almost three in the morning but he still needed to do some works, and I am usually at the longue making my own research.
I know it's not ideal for just the two of us, but, just the thought of having a family with him is just straight impossible right?
With all the uncertainty I have in my life, I just don't think I can settle. 
"I've been calling you, are you all right?" unfortunately, things are just getting started and yet my mind is over extending. "If you don't like the venue and the theme you can tell me." tsaka niya ibanalik ang atensyon sa telepono niya. "I don't really like the idea of e-mailing and arranging our wedding, so you have to forgive me for the mean time."
I've been shrugging my head the moment the date has been settled. Hindi 'ko rin ineexpect na ura uarada. Ganito ba talaga kapag mayaman? "I told you that a simple church wedding can suffice. Nahihilo ako sa rami ng kailaingang tingnan."
He laugh as he pulls the paper from my hand, of course, over seeing things like this is his job. "Do you want me to take it from here?"  I nodded my head as I watched him do things on his own.
Nakakalumbaba ako while he is still talking with the organizer, "Should I get something for you? You've been working and," I could not finish my sentence when his phone rung. I nodded as he points his phone.
"He's busy but he keeps checking on you," I forgot to mention that the organizer is his long time friend. "I am happy that he is finally settling down." so, no one knows? Wow, our marriage is like from those in movies.
I smiled at her. I am bored, and I wanted to do more other than arranging my own wedding. "Sorry for not giving interest. This is not my cup of tea."
From my peripheral vision, I saw how she rolled her eyes. Is she dismayed that I am the one who's going to marry him? "From the brat and now the cheap copy."
"You did not have to give your comment. Because I wouldn't care, and thank you for giving even a single ounce in our wedding."  I smiled boredly at her, still watching the imbecile heir. I love how his eyebrows furrowed from time to time. 
The imbecile heir says his apology. He is too polite to say no with his friend, "Are you okay?" that's the first he said when he gets back. Takang tumingin ako sakaniya at mabilis na umiling. "You've been looking at me like you needed my help or something." kamot batok na sabi nito.
Wow? He could tell just by a mere look? "Don't mind me. I just had a wonderful and meaningful conversation with your bestie."
He laugh, "Your sarcasm stinks, sweet heart." I stuck my tongue out at him. I can clearly see how I easily won. These bitches should keep trying. Akala kasi nila once na ikumpara nila ako sa babaeng yun, panalo na sila. "But at least you know how to be plite from time to time."
Regardless of how grand this wedding, I still feel that I don't deserve this. No matter how this wedding dress fits perfectly on me, pakiramdam 'ko may ibang babae dapat ang nandito at hindi ako.
Imagine being in your own wedding with guests you have never met?
Imagine walking on the aisle, and you have the whole entourage, you don't even know the name!
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the effort they did kahit alam nang buong pamilya niya that all of this is just for a show. Sobra sobra pa nga ito. 
I wanted it to be intimate. Kahit sana kami kami na lang, para kahit papaano ay mga sarili na lamang namin ang niloloko namin. Hindi na makadamay pa ng iba.
I only have one friend and that would be Kris. 
I can't believe na may time pa yung sutil na yun na mag-isip kung bakit wala akong ibang kaibigan maliban kay Kris.
Since the preparation, wala siyang ibang ginawa kung hindi kulitin ako to invite my supposedly friends from high school and college. What for? To brag how rich they are?
Ganun naman talaga ang tao, hindi ba? Wala naman sila kadalasang pakialam sa mga ikakasal, they just wanted to see how the wedding goes. Kung engrande ba, kung masarap ba yung pag kain, and the likes.
Huwag na. Makikikain na nga yung iba, pupuna pa ng ipipintas nila at laking kabawasan lang naman yun sa yaman nila.
But the fact that he did not invited that organizer in our wedding says it all. Okay na ako, huwag lang makita ang pag mumukha niya.  
Up until sa reception, hindi talaga ako umiimik. Why am I not enjoying my own wedding? Ahhh, because the bride and the groom didn't even love each other. "Are you okay? You've been very quiet." maliit ko lamang siyang nginitian. "Hindi mo ako tinawag na sutil the whole day," he said scratching the back of his head.
Peke akong ngumiti sakaniya at lumapit ng kaonti, "Sutil," he chuckled. "Masaya ka na?" inirapan ko na lamang siya at nakinig sa dinadaldal ng emcee. 
None of what she is saying really happened.
Can we make the story telling short so we can all go home and rest? This is tiring! Socializing and smiling at people I don't know isn't in my forte ever since.
"You don't have to listen to them. As long as you know in your heart, na hindi naman totoo." mahina akong tumango sakaniya at pinag masdan si Papa na naka ngiti mula sa mga larawan namin. I wanted to ask him, if he is happy I am marrying a man he approves. 
Pero, how can I without crying in front of him all over again? 
I've been arguing about him ever since the wedding started. Hindi ba sila nakakahalata man lang?
Bakit mukhang tuwang tuwa pa sila sa palabas na wala namang kasiguraduhan?
Out of annoyance, wala sa sarili na nabanggit 'ko ang tungkol sa annulment. I mean, I am true to my words.
Kahit mag hiwalay kami ay wala akong hahabulin sakaniya ni singko. I just needed his name to save my name, and his connections.
We are on the same boat, aren't we?
He needed me so he can still have his position in the Hospital, right?
Right?
Is it just me or that is sadness in his eyes, "You just have to trust me, Adel. You don't have to worry about anything else." Nung nag tiwala ako minsan, I only got pain and hatred, in return. Here he goes again, with the sincere smile he always shows. "Serenity, I will be here no matter what happen."
I did not answer him.
Because I don't have the courage to do so.
Bakit ba palagi na lamang siyang tama? At bakit ba palaging kailangang may punto ang mga sinasabi niya?
Hindi naman sa pinanganak akong walang alam sa buhay, but I have learned to live on my own. I have found a way to live and to defend on myself.
That no matter how wrong my morals were, I have to protect myself from people, so that they could not hurt me anymore.
Minsan gusto 'ko na lamang siyang takbuhan sa tuwing mag kikita kami. Because he always have these questions and remarks that I could not answer.
Pero bakit nga ba?
It's not like he is interogating me or something.
"Nakakapagod mag-isip, ano?" here he goes again with his words. "Overthinking causes exhaustion. As a Doctor you should know that," thank you for reminding me that then, Captain Obvious.
This is my first night being his wife. What's gonna happen next, scares me. "Required ba na lahat ng mayayaman may sariling swimming pool sa bahay?" that was a random question, but at least I can dodge his question.
Mahina siyang na tawa bago umiling sa akin, "I don't know about the others, but since I am a swimmer before, I supposed I need my own swimming pool?" Kung titingnan mo siya mula sa formal suits, mahahalata mo na agad sa katawan niya na atleta siya. 
Pero since hindi yun kasing oozing ng mga katawan ng mga lalake sa pelikula, sapat na yun para sa pag mumukha niya. "Tamad akong mag workout," kamot niya sa batok niya nang marealize ang ginawa 'ko.
"May sinabi ba ako?" it's his mischievous smile once again! Like he really know what's going on inside my head. Nakakainis minsan!
"You really wanted to be a doctor, right?" he said looking up the sky. I smiled at him. Minsan may sense rin naman siya kausap. "You were so sure about what you want. Can I ask you something?" I nodded my head. "Have you thought anything you like besides being the best surgeon you are today?"
I didn't realized that I am staring at him far too long. "Now that you ask, If, only if I didn't became a doctor, siguro nag tatanggal na lang ako ng puting buhok ng Papa 'ko. Fifty cents kada isa." I joined him for the laugh, pero sa totoo lang I never had the chance to think things like that.
Ngayon pa lang, since he asked.
He stood up and is he going to lend his hands?! "It's getting colder. We should rest." without hesitating, I reached for his hands and walk side by side with him.
Sa totoo lang, my expectation is very different from what I am experiencing in this household.
Lalo na yung may mga hindi maipintang mapang matang ugali ng mga biyenan.
Yung tinatak sa isipan nating lahat, na kapag mayaman, matapobre.
But, this family is different. Kahit alam nilang laki ako sa hirap at hanggang ngayon ay may taglay akong ka hirapan, ni minsan hindi nila na banggit yung social status 'ko. But, they are very proud that I became a doctor with working my ass off.
Maybe, because they already knew me?
As I lay down, hindi 'ko na naman maiwasang hindi mapa isip sa kung anong pwedeng mang yari.
Yes, we are sleeping in separate bed pero nasa iisang kuwarto lang kami divided by a wall. Hindi na masama, kasi may privacy pa rin naman.
Iniiwasan lang nila na kapag may bisita at nakita na sa mag ka iba kaming kuwarto pumasok, baka kung ano pa raw ang isipin sa akin.
See? Hindi pa nila ako lubusang kilala pero isang pamilya na ang trato nila sa akin. Sino ba namang hindi mawiwili sa pamilyang mas tinuturing ka pa na sariling kanila kaysa sa totoo nilang anak?
Now, they got me thinking. Paano nila napag sasabay ang pagiging Doctor at the same time being the Parents?
From what I can see, lumaki silang lahat na may pag galang at takot sa magulang nila.
We all knew how Doctors can be busy most of the times. Lalo na't, malaking hospital ang hinahawakan nila. Most of their time, kulang pa sa pasyente. 
Paano pa kaya nila na aasikaso yung business nila while being the Doctor their patients needed? Tapos sobrang open pa ng mga anak nila sakanila to the point that you can really see the bond between them.
Ako ngang single at walang anak, nauubusan ng oras para sa nag iisang kamag anak na mayroon ako. Sila pa kayang may apat na anak, sutil pa ang isa?
Before drifting to sleep, there is only one thing that comes to my mind.
Will I be as good as them as a parent?
"Good morning, Serenity." Dr. Lim is a Pediatrician, I don't know if it's her true nature being as sweet as her voice pero parang it comes natural. Sanay na kasi sa mga bata.
I smiled at her, "Good morning po," not the usual morning routine, pero, since I am already a 'married woman' I need to be more responsible. I know how to cook and do some household chores, the only problem is waking early in the morning. 
Si Sutil, gising na rin naman. Even though he's been a bachelor at may pag ka sutil siyang taglay, makikita mo sakaniya yung sense of responsibility as the only heir of their company. 
Since, siya lang naman sakanila ang naligaw ng landas. "Ma, have you gotten her permission to call her by her first name?"
Natatawa namang naka sunod sakanila ang nakakatanda nilang kapatid, "Gabe, have you tried what I suggested? Your brain has clogged again."
Hindi 'ko maiwasang hindi matawa kaya lahat sila napa lingon sa akin, but, they are all looking at me in a good way kaya medyo nahiya ako. 
My first day as his wife and yet tinatawanan 'ko yung mga pambabara sakaniya, "It's all right, Ija. Since, Gabe is the only one who didn't see the light amongst us, I am sure by now sanay na siya sa mga kapatid niya. Lalong lalo na sa ate niya."
Her older sister, by the way is an old maid, specializes in Neurosurgeon. She's on top of her class. She is pretty! Hindi naman siya intimidating tingnan, "Is it okay to call you Serenity?" She asked politely and smiled as an answer. 
Are they just sensitive asking about her? Or just like Papa they kept it a secret? Ahh, who cares.
I've never thought eating breakfast with people would be this fun. Nakakatuwa sila lahat kausap. May sense at the end of every conversation may matututunan ka.
Besides my scalpel, this is the very first time I felt comfortable with people.
Excuse me, Elsa, but I married a man I just met. We aren't finishing each other's sandwiches though.
Anna must have been laughing at Elsa's face if those two knew me. I married a man I just met!! That really sounds crazy.
Tumulong ako sa kusina habang si Sutil kausap ang Daddy niya. Hindi ako chismosa pero narinig 'ko nang bahagya na ang pag uusapan nila ay tungkol sa sitwasyon naming dalawa.
Tama nga naman, we are already in the right age to marry, pero parang laro lang ang pinasok namin.
Akala niyo ba basta basta na lang namin na convince ang mga magulang niya? Hindi rin dahil kailangan ako ng anak nila ay napapayag sila.
They are right.
Nasa edad na kami para maka hanap ng gugustuhin talaga naming makasama. Pero heto kaming dalawa na parang nag lalaro lang ng bahay bahayan at bigla na lang naisip mag pa kasal.
I'd rather be an old maid than to hear fake promises as long as I can still use my scalpel.
Napag usapan namin na pa minsan minsan ay kailangan kong sumama sakaniya sa opisina. Yun naman ang dahilan kung bakit pumayag ang magulang niya na mag pa kasal kaming dalawa.
Tama rin naman, para malibang ako kahit papaano. Kaysa naman maisip 'ko yung pasyenteng ni minsan hindi 'ko man lang nahawakan katawan.
Hindi rin naman ako mapapakali kung nandito lang ako sa bahay nila at mag hapong makipag kwentuhan sa mga kasama nila sa bahay. Hindi ako kasing daldal ng sutil na 'to, na mula kanina ay walang tigil sa pag daldal.
Sinusulit ata yung laway. Ayaw mapanisan.
I'm comfortable with formal or casual clothes kaya hindi na siya mamroblema kung paano ako haharap sa mga tao nila. But, he isn't the type naman na mukhang mahilig mangialam sa suot.
Sa rami ng ginawa niya hindi 'ko alam saan pa nang gagaling yung energy niya para makipag fast talk sa akin. Ang daming tanong! Daig 'ko pa ang may oral recitation, "I heard about you, actually," he said in a matter of fact tone. "Dad and Mom believes you have been set up."
Mahina lamang akong na tawa, "I have been a very obedient doctor, pero hindi pala sapat yun, dapat panget ka rin."  
Hindi 'ko maiwasan na hindi matawa, "Hindi nila alam, wala naman akong pakialam sakanila." pumalakpak naman ang apat na ikinatawa ng sutil nilang amo.
 
Sabay sabay kaming napa lingon sa kumatok mula sa pinto kaya agad na tumayo ang apat malapit dito. 
Maarte itong lumapit sa amin habang tinitingnan ako mula ulo hanggang paa.
Sumandal ako sa pag kaka upo at dumampot ng librong pwede mabasa. Wala akong oras makipag kumpetensya sakaniya kung yun ang ipinunta niya rito.
Naramdaman 'ko ang pag lubog ng sofa sa tabi 'ko kaya madali kong nginitian si sutil. Hindi naman yun pilit, gusto 'ko lang talaga siyang ngitian.
Napa lingon ako dun sa apat na nag pipigil ng tawa. Mahilig din sila mang asar lalo na kapag kami kami lang. 
Hindi 'ko nga maaalala kung paano sila naging ganyang ka kumportable sa akin pero sino ba ako para mag reklamo? 
It's almost five in the afternoon at nandito pa rin yung spoiled brat. Wala naman siyang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang mag pa rinig ng mag pa rinig. Habang yung pinariringgan niya ay hindi naman na halos maka tingin sa amin sa sobrang daming papel sa mesa niya.
Sa tuwing susubukan kasi niyang lumapit ay agad naman na tutunog ang telepono nito. Napagod na siguro kakatayo kaya nag pa rinig na lamang habang lumilingon lingon pa sa akin.
Naka tulog na nga ako't lahat lahat nandito pa rin siya.
"Are you going home now?" Malungkot na tugon nito habang sumabay sa amin pababa. Natural na ata talaga sa mga anak mayaman na kagaya nito na bumuntot na lang ng bumuntot sa poging kasing yaman nila.
Mag mula ng lumabas kami ng opisina hanggang ngayon ay naka alalay pa rin mula sa bewang 'ko ang braso ni sutil kaya medyo naiilang na ako. "Hanggang saan mo ba kami susundan?" lahat sila ay napa lingon sa sinabi 'ko. 
Nang laki pa ang mata nito habag pinapaypayan ng sariling kamay ang kaniyang sarili, "You don't sound like a doctor!" Napa pikit ako sa tinis ng boses nito. Gusto 'kong busalan ng kahit anong madampot 'ko.
Imbis na sumagot ay nanahimik na lamang ako. Kapag sumagot pa ako, malamang sa malamang ay hindi pa rin yan titigil hanggang ngayon. Tama na yung napa hiya na siya ng isang beses.
Minsan, mas nakakapagod din pala yung wala kang ginagawa kaysa sa isang oras na sa loob ko ng operating room.
Yung 8 hours na nandun ako sa opisina nila ay parang three days non stop operation 'ko. Para akong ngalay na ngalay.
The usual dinner happens.
Nag kumustahan sila habang nakikinig ako at may pa ilan ilang tanong na ibinabato sa akin. Pero most of the time ay mas gusto 'ko lamang na makinig sakanila.
"Do you always have that patience with you?" those were the exact words he said when I close my eyes. I can still feel him looking at me probably waiting for my answer. "I don't think I have that patience with me."
I smiled while my eyes are still close, "Working and pursuing my career as a doctor, I don't think masasabi mo yan." Mahina siyang na tawa sa sinabi 'ko. "But the level of your understanding is on different level."
Other than Kris, he is the only person na nakaka usap 'ko sa mga ganitong bagay. It doesn't feel awkward at all. Words coming out from both of us seems like natural "It's the least I can do in a world full of judgemental creeps." Mahina itong natawa. Look how amazing he is? "Do you always pretend that it doesn't bother you? When it tears you apart?"
"Zybe, it's not about pretending. It's about trying to survive. Kapag ba alam nilang it affects me, will it make a difference? Not all people are like you. Not all people have your heart." I chuckled as I opened my eyes. Between this wall I can still how warm he is. "That's why I learn to talk less. Okay na yung minsan silang napa hiya." He laugh and suddenly, I felt butterflies on my stomach.
He heave a deep sigh, "You two are really different in every aspect and I am more than thankful I got to know you more." I was left speechless. "Thank you, Serenity. Sweet dreams."