“ Family – a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.”
A family is a need we all have. We are all designed to have our own families. Or sometimes we desire to have a family. Whether we want to have a sibling because we want someone to hang out or play with, or a mom or a dad that will serve as a guiding support and give us love, we all have our needs that we expect to have by our own family. The family unit is very important to our lives. Families help us to start developing as an individual. They provide us with the support, guidance, and advice as we are heading to our distinct direction in life. Our parents should be the living examples of having commitment, love, hard work, patience, a sense of responsibility, the ones that should serve as our first role models. However turns out we are dealing with the issues that surrounds our family circle. I will set my self as an example. Join me as I share with you my relationship with my very own family, and I am wishing that you can learn something from it.
Growing up I was filled with the unconditional love given to me by my dear grandparents. My uncles and aunts are also there for me for support back then. And most of all a mother who is there for me always. My mom was my first teacher in everything. Taught me my abc’s, how to read, almost everything that a child needs to know while in a stage of growing up. I got no problem with my mom doing teaching me everything, but then I questioned myself why my mom was the only one doing the deed as a parent, why I don’t have a father figure in my life just like the other kids out their in our neighborhood. Of course a child is having the sense of curiosity, I thought that the solution to this was to ask my mom. I remember mom and I was having our playtime and during that time, I ask her this using my native language; “Ma, do I have a father? Where is he now?” My mom answered me this, “ Yes, you do have a father but your father left us since the time I was pregnant with you. He is out there sailing the different continents, he is a sailor.” I didn’t ask any further questions to her. For a child hearing these words from my mom, I knew back then that what she said wasn’t good. And by looking at her when she told me those words, pain is evident in her beautiful eyes. You know what is the other thing my mom told me when I knew of it, she told me not to hate my father because hating him will just bring me no good. That it is hard waking up each day having hatred deep inside you, and that it will bother you a lot no matter how you try to forget it. I know for most of you, you forgot about what happened during your childhood days. But in my case, I remember it all. Every happy moments I’ve spent with my family and every pain we’ve been through, I remember everything and every memory is still vivid in my mind. You know what, I didn’t mind that I’ll be growing up without the guidance of a father. For a child so young, it didn’t matter to me. Because I have my grandfather that for me is the best suitable one for the role of being a father. Tatay (papa), did all the work. Taught me a lot of things, a lot of lessons that will forever be remembered. My grandpa, was a very hardworking man. We are not from a well off family, there are times that we suffer financially but luckily my family will always find a way to be able to provide for our everyday needs. Tatay will wake up early in the morning, just drinking a cup of coffee to go to work at a bakery. Remembering those times when I saw him struggling working in order to have money, I pity him a lot. He will come back home at 6 in the evening bringing us food to eat. Then back at doing his routine again when the morning comes. It was extremely hard because my mom didn’t have a job at that time. My grandma will go to her sisters house to offer some of her services to that she can help in our household needs. But even though we afford to buy the stuffs we want, even though almost every day we have to deal with the different problems that emerged. We were happy. I remember those good times I’ve spent with my grandparents. When we watched children’s shows on the television together, laughed with their jokes, listened to their experiences, learn from every words of advice that came out of their mouths, every moment even the smallest ones, I held it all close to my heart and soul and will be with me always. My grandparents were one of the persons that have a great importance in my life. I even made promises with them, because for a child that is wishing for her grandparents to experience all the good things in life dreamed for magic to happen. I even prayed to God to give them a long life so that I can pay them back for all the goodness, for the love and happiness they brought to my life. But all those dreams I had was crushed when the first incident happened, the death of my grandpa. I was at the age of six, me and tatay were sitting together. I can still remember my grandfather’s smile as I talked to him, as we were eating an afternoon snack. When he told me that he is tired and he wanted to sleep, so I told him that he should sleep if he is tired. Tatay smiled at me then pat my head and proceeded to his room to sleep. Never knew that would be the last time. I went to the garden, to experiment with the plants and flowers out there. I am even excited for my grandfather to wake up so that we can play. Then I hear a cry from the inside, went immediately then saw my mom weeping badly. Looked at the inside of the room, there I saw my grandfather laying in the bed immobile. To tell you all honestly, that shocked me. My mind went blank, and I cannot process any thought. I was just looking for the workers of a funeral parlor taking my grandfather’s body away and in the corner my mother and grandmother were crying. Accompanied with our other family members who look lonesome. It went for a couple of days, and that day came when we will be sending our last goodbye to him. After the ceremony ended, we went home and that is when hit me. A thought that slapped me, a thought that my grandfather will never be around me anymore. That brought me into tears, a felt a pain in my chest as if I am running out of breath. And that is when I looked up towards the clouds, and my grandfather’s happy face appeared in my mind. That’s when I stopped crying, think that my tatay is in a better place now, free from all the suffering and agony that a person can go through in this world. Later that year, my grandmother’s health is slowly worsening. And during my uncle’s birthday, we were sitting in the living crying. The morning after that, my grandma talked with Yayay (her sister) and my uncle listening outside of the room was crying. I went there, heard my grandma’s statement. Then cried also, that was another heartbreak for me. The thought of appreciating my grandmother’s words, that at her last day of her life she was still thinking about me. That she told them to take good care of me, to tell my mother that she will never abandon me no matter what will happen. I was afraid to go inside, afraid to see the state of my grandmother. Called my mom to hurry going back since I knew she wouldn’t make it any longer. My mom arrived but it was late, my grandmother was laying in her bed; dead. Another pain that was unbearable to take for me. I even questioned God, why take both of them away from me. Later on, realized that the death of my grandparents served as one of the greatest lesson that helped me to become the person that I am today. I am not saying all of these, to try to gain your sympathy regarding what happened. I am sharing all of these, to give you a lesson. A lesson to never take life for granted. To appreciate and love your love ones while they are still alive. To do good things for them, to cherish every moments of life with them. Because you may never know when will they disappear completely out of your life. I don’t want you to experience any regrets because you didn’t do the things you wanted to do with them, or spend more time making lots of good memories with them. As long as there is life, that they are still alive. Focus on doing things that can make you happy and sharing your happiness with your loved ones. It is never too late to put your plan into action. I f you’re planning to have a picnic with your siblings, to do some shopping spree with your mom, do watch soccer with your dad, do it. Never contemplate about doing the good plan you have I mind. And lastly, tell them how much you love them, how much you treasure them, your words of gratitude. Tell them while you still have the chance before it will be too late for you in telling them all of these.
Let’s talk about our relationship with our parents. Someone may say their parents were the worst creatures they ever came across with, others may describe that they have a pretty good relationship with their parents. Some may feel blessed for having them, others wished that they were not their parent’s child. How we view our parents differ from one another. Each of us have our own experiences, some are good others are bad. Others grow from a good household, while others grow from a chaotic one. We are brought up differently by our very own parents. And by their ways of upbringing can affect a lot to their child’s growth and development. Growing up, and being able to observed the lives of people around me. I can say that others don’t really have the best experience being their parent’s son/daughter. I was always been attentive when my classmates share their own experiences, and one of it is all about their parents. One time this classmate of mine came to school looking exhausted, from the look on her face you can sense there is something wrong. During breaktime, we approached her since were worried. She then told us, how she was so feed up dealing with her father’s addiction problems. Her own father, abused them both physically and mentally. She told us she’s planning to leave, since she cannot stand and tolerate his father’s own doing. She pitied her younger siblings, since they have to deal to every harsh word that came out of her father’s mouth, and for every time he would do something to hurt his own children. Most of us stayed in silence, some were shocked by it. And with that I can conclude that people who are not accustomed by that kind of situation no matter how they might have the urge to say something consoling cannot totally relate to the given situation. In the same way, someone who grew with loving parents cannot relate to the experience of the other party who grew up with parents that are abusers (may be physically, mentally, sexually, or psychologically). For some they may view their parents as amazing ones, and they cannot impose that idea into a person whose view is different from them. The type of relationship with our parents differs in a lot of aspects. The fact that some parents are worthy, and some parents doesn’t fit the role of being a parent. And with that truth, it serve as one of the main keys that affect a child’s behavior and personality. And as a result, we are losing the idea of what family really means. Some have lived to abuse, neglect, or even parent’s splitting up. The experiences we have gone through with our parents, have give us many burdens. The pain is terrible for anybody to take on, especially to a child or a teenager. I have witnessed a lot of certain circumstances, knew a lot of stories of people who have terrible upbringings. But the amazing this is, is that they all find hope with the battles they are going through. As independent we want to be in our lives, as much how many times we shouted and screamed that our parents didn’t know how we feel, or they failed to understand us, that they hate us, and they just want to ruin our lives, we always end up needing a thing a good family is supposed to provide at one point or another. It is during those times when they are not there in our tough times that we are left having a painful and deep scar.
I know none of us want to live a life feeling hurt about what our parents and families have done to us. None of us cannot accept that we are being held back because of the pain our parents caused. We don’t want to live a life feeling oppressed. When our parents abused us it left a “scar” that we want to get rid of. The problem here is that it isn’t easy to remove the oppression of a bad family life. All of us need things that are certain, that a solid family is supposed to provide these things for us. In a perfect family, someone is always been accepted by their parents and their siblings no matter what they do, or how are they living their life. In a perfect family, we are being guided by our parents accordingly and being disciplined correctly. So that we know what is right and what is wrong, and we will know how to do and handle situations correctly. In a perfect family, a mom is a selfless and a caring mom that always shows her unconditional love for her child no matter what. While a father, is someone who do his best to take care of his family even it seems impossible. In a perfect family, we feel that we are valued and appreciated. And when all of these were experienced by someone, his/her family will be unreplaceable. But most of the families that we have aren’t perfect. It is important that families should have few of these qualities mentioned above. For some though the statements above sound foreign because most of us were born into a destructive and a broken version of a family. Because more and more people are born in broken families, more and more of us are searching and are turning to do other things in order to fill the gaps present in our lives that are families didn’t and still don’t fill. We are looking for anyone that may become our family, do things and engage ourselves into others that we think can heal and mend the scar caused of a broken family. We tend to look at some common qualities and characteristics into specific people and things. When we are missing good things that a good family provides, we looked for something to show our families how much they missed out on us, that we don’t need them, how much we don’t care about what they say, and how much we want to forget all of the bad experiences and be able to move on from what happened to us. There are three essential ways to remove the scar of pain. The first two are the things we usually attempt to do, but the third one is the true answer. What is totally scary are the facts that these two attempts can hurt as even more and deepen the scar rather than completely erasing it. Unfortunately, most people choose the first two. The first way we try to remove a scar is to completely go against anything our parents say and want us to do, in other words we REBEL. The whole point of our rebellion is to show them, how they screwed us over. We think that it is necessary to show them how their failures as parents have ruined us. And we show all of these possible ways. It can be simple as from the way we dress or as drastic involving physical action and violence by means of fighting, drugs, sex, wrist cutting, body piercings, and many others. Anything are parents do, we can find ways to go against it.
Rebellion can happen because of different causes. One of the big reason for rebellion against our parents is because of them verbally abusing us. Parents saying things like “You will never make it” or “You are too dumb to even try doing it” can drag us down. For those every hurtful words they say, they don’t know how much it affect our feelings. It may be those things that your parents do to you. For example, your mom acting like she doesn’t care about you when you tell her a lot of things that excites you. Or your dad not even trying to show that he cares for his child, not even checking if his child is having a hard time or not and is simply contented by the idea that his child is alive, breathing and doing his/her own thing. And sometimes I could even be into forms of physical abuse. We were hit and hurt by our parents, which caused us to be constantly defensive with other people. We can become extremely violent or be extremely scared of people or even life itself. Anger issues boil up because how mean our parents were and maybe they still are and all those mess they put us through, then all of a sudden that anger skyrocketed through every aspects of our daily life. One of the best way one think of doing to rebel against their parents is by using drugs and trying alcohol. Abusing the use of drugs and alcohol can came out because of the frustrations and anger we felt towards our parents’ lack of commitment and their abusive behavior. Just to teach our parents a valuable lesson on how their actions were wrong, we try to find substance that will either take away the pain that we are feeling, or get ourselves in trouble to show our parents how messed up they are. We get in the habit of drinking or smoking to achieve this rebellious look and to show how truly damaged we are because of what are parents have put us through. This is extremely widespread. As many as three million kids and teens are reported to be drinkers with a serious problem and about 23% of high school students smoke. These two forms of rebellion are said to increase the chances of doing cocaine, marijuana,, or becoming dependent on alcohol for the rest of their lives. The problem with rebellion is this; it is self-destructive, makes us feel an extreme rage that have the rage the possibility to continue forever, and takes us away from many amazing and awesome opportunities to experience in our lives. Rebellion can never be a reasonable answer to a dysfunctional family. It is totally obvious that rebellion made us to hold on to a lot of anger we have for our lives, towards our parents, and will follow us to the rest of our lives. From every joint we smoke, from every ounce of alcohol we drink, we can never truly recover or it may take our life down. Smoking and drinking damage our bodies and can cause problems with the authority. Fighting can hurt us physically and it can cause ourselves being in trouble. Always dwelling ourselves to every hurtful words our parents said or did to us, weighs us down everyday and can cause depression. I have seen people rebel and the outcome always result to this; rebellion ruins our lives and causes us to fall into the trap of damaged, unhealthy, and problematic lifestyle that will not be easy for someone to escape. And this is obviously not the answer that we are looking for.
But, what if we go the exact opposite way of rebellion? That is the second way of attempting to remove the scar left by our bad family situations. This second option comes from the idea that we need to accomplish and achieve greatness in life and that we become successful. This idea sounds so good but this one is also not the right answer, because of the need to show our mom/dad the what they missed out on and abandoned. We feel that if we can prove something for ourselves, our family, and to the society we live in. That we don’t become a terrible kid that our parents made us to be, then the scar of being in a bad family will fade away. These means a lot of things. Pushing ourselves to be perfect. To look perfect, think that we need to earn a huge amount of money, and do what it takes to become a better version compared to our dysfunctional parents . But dressing in a certain way, be in a certain group of people, and having high standards set for ourselves can still be temporary and a misleading cure can still hold us back. There are different extremes in trying to do this way. Some of us may want to get a certain award, or strive to become an excellent student in school to show our parents that we can achieve something great. Others can do it in a whole new level of extremeness. It may literally lead them to ideas like every grades they received counts, that one must go into the best college, date the prettiest girl or the hottest man on campus, wanting to have the biggest house or the fastest running car, and associate themselves to people who are considered to be prestigious. I am not disapproving to these variety of ideas, but let’s admit the fact that most people fall to the idea of trying to prove something. It is common. Many people are driven by their parents’ problems that sometimes they fall into a trap and thought that success will cure it all. The pursuit for success will never be a bad idea. But if it becomes a way for us to feel like we are lifted ourselves out of the problems our parents created for us. When we achieve these kind of things, but forgot to heal ourselves from the scars and traumas caused by our parents we still feel an emptiness deep within us. Then with that emptiness, we feel the urge to obtain more and more achievements. It will still feel like a never ending battle for someone. With this, the third way comes in. This is forgiveness. We must learn to forgive our families, our moms, our dads, our brothers or sisters, or whoever has hurt us. Forgiveness is the only plausible way to be able to move on. If we want any chance of ditching the oppression of the pain our families caused us, whether it’s abuse or neglect, we need to learn how to forgive them from what they’ve done. Forgiveness is the only real answer. But, unfortunately how we view forgiveness is skewed and imperfect. “Forgive and forget” is a common phrase and it defines how one views forgiveness. And this sounds great too, if we can brush it off all the pain that we experience from all the happenings then feel fine despite all that happened. Being able to forgive someone can be a hard thing to do. How can we forget the pain we felt during the time our parents split up? How can we forget the experience of being beaten up by our parents we even do nothing wrong? How can forget all the scars left on our body and mind that came from our family? The bottom line is we can’t. We could be ten years down the road from the day we heard our parents were getting a divorce and think that we already moved on and have forgotten about it. But all it could take is someone to mention the word “divorce” and then we could be crying and remembering what happened years ago.

Living in denial, or even pushing ourselves to forget to what had happened in the past, can cause us to become imprisoned from all the unresolved family problems in the future. We often try to convince ourselves that what happened wasn’t really that bad. The emotions and memories attached to our family problems are very strong. We may able to utter the words and even try to play it off as if we are okay, but it isn’t something that we can fully do easily. And it requires a lot of courage to be able to do it. It might take a lot of years, but somehow there is hope. That we may wake up to another great day, with the thought in our head that surprises us. The thought that we had forgiven them already that we are not free from the grudge that we have in our hearts.