// Minutes later - Geger Beach, Nusa Dua, Bali, Indonesia //
Jeffrey and I were lying on the white sand, allowing our skin absorb the glorious morning sunbeams and the rush of icy wind from the sightly Indian Ocean.
The beach sarong I bought in Jakarta perfectly matched my two-piece bikini, blue as the turquoise sea. At least, that was how Jeffrey complimented it.
“Hey!” Jeffrey nudged my arm the second he realized I was about to go deep in my thoughts. “Get up, we’ll visit the edge of the beach,” he shared excitedly, and we dragged ourselves there with a few of Swedish couples with us.
We were approaching this temple that is hidden away on the tip of a small hill. Pura Geger Temple, they call, which local people said is not known to many and not found in numerous tourist guides, either.
They said it is the perfect spot for healing and reflection, which I badly needed. Looking through the temple from afar and the visible waves breaking through the seashore, I suddenly felt the feeling of isolation. And those angry waves… they were the unsettled issues in my past crashing upon me right now.
It occurred to me now why Ethan left me. Like an island, I isolated myself from everyone. I chose to shut the door when people tried to enter. I chose not to open up when people tried to listen. Yet Ethan kept along and endured.
I wanted to blame myself for what I have become. About how I comprehend about relationships and family matters. And how I forgot what it was like to have a family.
It’s hard, to have a family I didn’t know any better than the first time I opened my senses as a child. Everyone has their own secrets to hide. Mom is always away. And dad… I once saw a young woman near the family house as though she was carrying a child with her. And if I do the counting now, that woman could only be a year older than Yvonne.
Some time in the past, I overheard the family lawyers doing whispers about my father’s will. Some agreement. Which happened on the day of father’s death.
Those confusing moments… I didn’t know if the right emotion was to grieve or get angry at everyone. Instead, I locked myself up in my room and cried and cried for centuries.
And Yvonne, she too, during those times, lay silently in bed. Disbelieving the reality of it all.
I knew Yvonne had known it too, about Dad’s love child, or children—who might have known? Because she was with me, playing in the court yard, when I saw the young woman’s shadows outside the house.
“Who’s that?” I asked Yvonne unknowingly, pointing to the woman at the high metallic gate. I could still remember the shock in Yvonne’s face. She was already eighteen at the time and I… I was entering the stage of puberty, starting to feel the changes in my body like switching from a training bra to a B-cup and having wider hips. That feeling like my body wasn’t me anymore.
Jeffrey’s excited voice woke me from my deep thoughts the minute we reached the new land. The sand was almost white. And the stones bigger. The old trees and lush vegetation that danced with the wind, they were enchanting. Amazingly green. A paradise only for the gods. And for a moment, I forgot how sadness felt like.
We entered the temple through the traditional Balinese gate and were blown away by the beauty and serenity of the place. There were delicate carvings on the sides of the temple and only a few people around.
Sensing the incense in the air, I pulled in a long breath and pressed my hands together, then began to connect with the Higher Power, clearing all negativities away.
In my composure, I prayed for my heart to be mended and the broken bridges I left at home. I prayed for Dad, wherever he may be. And for Mom, I wished she’d come home now for good and would never leave again. And for Yvonne, I always wish the best for her, and for her four-month-old engagement to Steve to be sure and lasting. Another woman in the family needed not to be damaged like me. I am enough.
I prayed for Jeffrey, too. That he may find peace and contentment in everything he does. That he may journey this life barren of regrets and shortcomings.
And for Ethan, I prayed he’ll be happy with whatever in store for him. I prayed for me to forgive him, and for the both of us to carry on, loving and kind.
We were not perfect lovers, but we gave everything that we knew was best at the time. We were happy, in our own little ways.