It’s 12:18 am and I’m still awake because of Jaero. It’s been four hours since I began to put him in a sleep, but until now he is still crying, it seems like he’s in pain but I don’t know what he is really feeling right now and I don’t know how can I mend it.
A tears falls down in my cheeks as my child cried more loudly, I felt a pang of pain in my chest seeing him like this, witnessing my child crying again and again and I can’t do anything because I can’t understand him, later on I hum a song and shake him a little while hoping and praying to God to make him feel better and make him fall asleep and he did. After maybe ten minutes of humming he finally fall asleep. So, I put him down in my bed and after that I walked to the bathroom while combing my hair using my fingers.
I open the faucet, washed my face and stares at myself at the big mirror at the upper part of the sink and again a pool of tears falls from my eyes. I’m crying but my face haves no emotions, my heart is in pain but why do I look like a heartless right now? I wiped my tears and reminisce my past, my childish decision and things that I did but I regret doing it. Why? Why did I ruin my life? Why did I choose that over my mom? How did this happen? I still can’t believe it. It happens so fast that it won’t sink in in my mind.
I thought I was perfect but I realized that there is no perfect person, but why did people judge each one? We sometimes think that our own perspective is right and we judge easily without realizing that we all have imperfections and flaws, but only God has the right to judge us because he is the only one that I know who can be the meaning of Perfection.
After a few minutes I decided to take a bath to freshen my mind and to prevent my anxiety. I took a warm bath and after I finish cleaning myself, I put a pajama’s and head to where my son is. I lay-down to the bed while facing the directions where my son’s sleeping. I caressed his fluffy redish cheeks and stares at him, admiring his extraordinary looks and charisma that he obviously inherited from his father. I held his little hands before closing my eyes so I could sleep too.
Moring came and I feel exhausted already without doing anything. It’s eight in the morning and my son is not here anymore, maybe mom took him earlier. Because I’m hungry I started to fix myself and go to the kitchen to cook my breakfast and there I saw my friend, Amira with my mom and my son.
They are both staring at me but with different intensity, my friend is staring me with worry while my mom is staring me with anger. I tilted my head in her direction and stare at he with asking look.
“What are you doing, Jane! Your son is sick and you’re not doing anything!” She spat angrily,
“How can I know that he is sick? This is my first time to have a child!” I answer with the same tone as her.
“Really, huh? You have the guts to make excuses when in the first place it’s you who made this mistake. It is you, Jane! Who choose this life of yours, and now that you have this, you’re ignore it and entertain your depression! And why are you depressed? Because of that useless man again!
“This is your mistake, Jane! Bare it! Deal with it! You should love and care for your son and don’t ever think about his f*king father! You should be a mom. Because you are already is, So act like one, Jane.” She is already panting while shouting to me that it’s all my fault.
“I’m doing my best, so don’t shout at me! I’m depress because of you, and if I can’t fulfill being a mother to my son it’s none of your business! My mistake is your mistake, too!”
“No! it’s only yours, Jane Don’t blame others because you f*cked up! Don’t blame it to us because in the very first place I already told you that his father was not healthy for you but you didn’t obey me, you ignore what I told you.”
“You forced me to be perfect! Everything that happened to me was also your fault. You shouldn’t have made me like a doll so I wouldn’t be ignorant to other things, but since all my life I only know is to follow what you want for me, all I know is to be perfect and not allowed to make a mistake. I forgot that life is not like that, that in life we can stumble and rise again, that we can make mistakes, repent and change!
“Don’t blame it all to me, Mom. Because we both know that it’s everyone’s fault. Everyone who is involved to this you called mistake has his own fault. I’m not perfect, Mom. So, don’t ever try to make me one.” I run to my room as my tears begun to pool my eyes to make it a blur, just like my life right now.