Iniisip ko kung ano ba ang nagawa kong mali?
A tear escaped in my eyes. Dali-dali ko itong pinunasan pero sinundan pa ito ng isa hanggang sa tuloy-tuloy na itong umagos.
Ako dapat ang mangsusupresa sa kaniya, e. And not the other way around.
Yes, I might not be the perfect girlfriend a man would have. Because you know, I admitted na nagagwapuhan din naman ako sa iba. Though, I knew my limitations. Afterall, it was just a crush and my love for Xander was far greater than those feelings.
Oo, alam kong hindi ako kagandahan. Walang wala ako kung ikukumpara mo sa mga babaeng nakasasalamuha ni Xander. Sa mga sosyalin at mayayamang babae na nagkakagusto sa kaniya.
Alam kong marami akong imperfections. Kaya ba . . . Nagawa niya akong lokohin?
Am I not enough? Am I boring? Ugly? Dahil ba pakipot ako?
"Tangina mong lalaki ka!" Alliah shouted which made me snap back to reality. The reality in which he chose to break my heart. He chose to end our relationship.
Nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang batuhin ni Alliah si Xander ng may katamtamang laki na air pump.
And before Xander could react, I immediately pressed the ground button. Pero bago pa tuluyang sumara ang pinto narinig ko ang pagmumura ni Xander at no'ng walang hiyang kabit niya.
That girl might be a college student like him.
Saglit ko lamang nakita ang babae pero alam kong mas maganda ang katawan niya sa akin. Mas mature, mas kaakit-akit. Mas maganda.
Dala nang matinding sakit at gulat, napaupo ako sa elevator. I'd just cry my eyes out. He's my first boyfriend! I did everything to make him happy! I thought he'll not hurt me. He promised that he'll not hurt me.
But what happened to his promise?
Naramdaman ko na umupo rin si Alliah sa aking tabi. She caressed my back, trying to calm me down.
"Tahan na, Renae, that asshole doesn't deserves you," she hushed but it wasn't enough to stop me from crying.
I knew she was not used to this, comforting me. Pero sobrang laki talaga ng pagpapasalamat ko at nandito siya.
"Everything's gonna be alright. You'll forget him soon. 'Pag nakita ko talaga 'yan ulit sa Everton, bugbog aabutin niya!" she added.
I didn't react on what she'd said and just continued crying. I'd hope so, Alliah.
Sana madali lang ibaon sa limot ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.
***
Hindi ko alam kung tanga ba ako o tanga talaga.
Ilang beses na akong pinigilan ni Alliah at sinabihan na huwag ko na siyang puntahan pa ulit. But I just need answers. I need an explanation.
Narito ako ngayon sa tapat ng unit ni Xander. I knew he's inside. Maaga raw kasi siyang umalis sa practice nila.
I gulped for I-don't-know-how-many times before I'd decided to press the doorbell. I crossed my fingers hoping that Xander will be the one who'll open the door and not some random girl.
But shit happens. It really does.
Bumukas ang pintuan ang bungad ang pamilyar na pigura. 'Yong babae kahapon.
Standing right in front of me was a tall morena girl. Now that I could see her clearly, I could really tell that she had a nice boobs. She had a messy long brunette hair at mukhang kakagising pa lamang. The smudged red lipstick was still evident on her lips. Making me shook in anger.
Nakasuot lang siya ng isang pamilyar na oversized t-shirt. Sobrang pamilyar dahil ako ang nagregalo no'n kay Xander noong second monthsary namin. Tangina. Ilang araw rin akong nagtipid no'n para lang makaipon ng pambili sa punyetang t-shirt na yan!
Lalong nag-init ang ulo ko.
"Uh, who are you?" she asked. I could hear the irritation in her voice.
Hindi ako sumagot. Ito na ba ang ipinalit sa akin ni Xander? Isang babaeng mukhang kaladkarin?
"Are you a housemaid?"
My lips parted on what she'd asked. Me? A housemaid? Kumulo lalo ang dugo ko. It felt like she triggered the out me.
Akmang sasabunutan ko na sana siya nang marinig ko ang boses ng taong sadya ko.
The voice I'd longing to hear.
"What's wrong—"
Naputol ang tanong niya nang dumako sa akin ang paningin niya.
I froze and so he did. We were just staring at each other for a second. Ang hirap na namang lumunok. Nangilid ang mga luha ko na siyang nagpabalik sa kaniya sa wisyo.
He cleared his throat, "Wait for me inside, Tanya."
The girl didn't protest and just followed Xander, but as she turned her back on me, she let an eye-roll first.
My gaze went back to Xander. I blinked twice, dahilan kung bakit tuluyang bumagsak ang aking luha. My lips were quivering. Gusto kong magsalita pero parang tinakasan ako ng boses ko.
"Why are you here?" I gaped at him. How could he?
"Xander, b-bakit?" iyon lamang ang lumabas sa aking bibig. Hangga't maaari pinipigilan ko ang aking sarili na huwag mag-break down. Wala si Alliah, walang magliligtas sa akin.
"Why I cheated on you?" he asked. There was no traced of guilt in his voice. My chest tightened.
He scoffed as he leaned on the doorframe, "Simple lang. It's because you're plain. Plain boring. Downright boring."
Muling nanikip ang aking dibdib dahil sa mga salitang binitiwan niya, para akong sinaksak nang paulit-ulit. "Masyado kang pa-demure. Hard to get. Obviously I got bored, I want a girl like Tanya. A wild one," dagdag pa niya.
I balled my fists and pressed my lips into a thin line, surpressing my anger towards him. Ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit marinig mismo sa bibig niya.
Dahil sa ilang beses akong tumanggi sa kaniya? Kaya naghanap siya ng iba?
"We're done, Nausicaa. You already heard my explanation. Leave me alone and don't bother me anymore," he said and slammed the door shut.