Truth
My mind was continuously clouded by that thought. Lalo na nang maisip ko lahat ng mga nangyayari sa relasyon namin sa mga nagdaang mga linggo. With him being cold with me, then suddenly a familiar voice of a woman answered his phone, how can I calm down?
Now I can't just say that I am overthinking. Now my mind and soul are filled with raging anger, wanting to know answers as soon as possible. Kasi kung hanggang ngayon ay wala akong makukuhang sagot, talagang mababaliw na yata ako.
We've never been in this kind of fight before. All past arguments were just simply because of our insecurities with other people, pero hindi naman umaabot sa point na pinag-aawayan talaga namin nang malala ang mga gan’on.
We always talk about it immediately, not wanting to let one think ill of the latter. We always find way to settle down and communicate. Pero ngayon, ilang araw na ang lumilipas at wala talaga siyang paramdam sa 'kin.
He used to be so sensitive about how I feel. He is always the first one to know about my emotions, at sinusuyo niya ako kaagad kapag nararamdamang nagtatampo ako. Pero ngayon...
My hands are trembling as I contacted his phone again. I need to confront him, even when it's not going to be in person. Kahit na anong oras na ng gabi, wala na akong pakialam. Tuluyan na nga siguro akong mababaliw kapag pinaabot ko pa bukas itong pinag-iisip ko.
I need his words to calm me down. Pero, Cianna, what if his words will just break the hell out of you again? Mababaliw ka rin kung gan’on.
But I have no other choice now. My mind is thirsty for answers. Be it a good or bad thing, wala na din akong pakialam. Kung mawawasak man ako ng katotohanan, hahayaan ko na lang itong wasakin nga ako. My mind's already made up. I want to know what is happening, and I just couldn't care less about anything anymore.
Halos mapatalon ako nang sagutin na nga niya ang tawag ko. I admit that I was actually nervous on who was holding it. Baka 'yong babae naman pala kanina.
"Cianna..."
I don't know if I should be relieved when I heard Kian's voice. He sounds like he's also panicking on the other line. Mas lalong kumabog ang dibdib ko.
Kahit na tila ayaw gumalaw ng mga labi ko, pinilit ko ang sarili kong magsalita. I have a feeling that he won't just tell me answers right away now, unlike what he always does. Ngayon kailangan ko pa yatang tanungin talaga siya para magsalita siya, kaya kailangan kong paganahin ang bibig ko.
"K-kian…" my voice was also trembling.
Ilang beses ko pang kinagat ang labi ko habang hinila-hila pa ang ibabang parte ng sandong suot ko. My words are tangled up at the back of my tongue, but I really have to force myself to speak up to find answers.
"S-sino 'yong babae kanina? M-may kasama kang iba d'yan?"
I bit my lip even harder when I realized how much I stutter. I must've sounded so nervous, instead of being angry. He must've felt relieved on the other line that I didn't shouted at him. And he might be taking this easily now.
"Ci…" I heard him sigh. "Wala akong kasama dito sa pwesto ko ngayon. At... nasa ospital ako. I'm still on duty."
Kumunot ang noo ko. That didn't answer my question.
"Eh sino 'yong tumawag sa 'kin kanina? At base pa sa narinig ko, parang may aksidente daw siya na napindot sa cellphone mo. And it was a woman's voice. So you now let your phone be in another person's hand?" my voice is now starting to get higher, my raging anger making its grand entrance through my now ridiculously chapped lips.
He sighed again. This time, halatang pabagsak na iyon at tila pagod na pagod pa.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
Umawang ang labi ko sa sinabi niya. Did he just motherfucking denied what happened? Para ano? Para makatakas? Hell, no!
I have been craving for his answers the moment I heard that stupid bitch answer his goddamn phone. Tapos ngayon, idedeny niya? Ha! I knew him! He's more than this! What the hell is happening with him right now?!
His denial just fueled my anger. Now my shoulders move up and down because of my heavy breathing. Hindi ko malaman kung saan ko ibubuntong ang galit ko. I don't want to shout at him, pero hindi ko rin alam kung anong idadagdag ko sa sinabi ko kanina para mapaamin siya sa kung ano talaga ang nangyayari.
Should I curse at him and force him to tell the truth? Or take this easy and just like my fight with my Mom moments ago, take this as a calmargument?
My mind screams the first choice as an answer, pero pinigilan ko pa rin ang sarili ko. Hindi pa kami nakakapag-away ng ganito kalala, at ayokong maging dahilan lang nito ay ang mga pagdududa ko sa kanya.
But then another voice in my head screamed that I really should be taking this the right way. And that is to really fight with him about this, to make this a complicated argument with him. Gusto ko siyang mapaamin sa nangyari kanina, because I'm really not convinced with what he answered a while ago. Hindi maaaring wala siyang alam sa sinasabi ko. It was his phone and I also heard his voice on the other line.
"What do you mean you don't know? Kian, it was your phone! And someone that was using it accidentally called my number and she panicked! And I also heard your voice on the other line! You asked her what did she do, and you also sound that you're panicking! And now, you dare try to deny it?! Are you hiding something from me?!"
I can feel him getting frustrated on the other line, also getting tensed with my aggression.
"Cianna, calm down…"
"How can you just tell me to calm down, huh, Kian? You're with another woman in that motherfucking hospital! I can feel it and I know it! And you expect me not to take this seriously?!" my voice boomed in my entire room.
Wala na akong pakialam ngayon kung marinig man ako sa kabilang kwarto. Talagang nangangaliati ako sagalit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.
"I am not with another woman, Cianna! Will you calm the fuck down, please?! Jesus!"
I took a deep breath. "I can't calm the fuck down, Kian! I can feel you're hiding something from me! Just motherfucking spill it!"
"Wala nga akong tinatago sa 'yo. Shit!" he paused for a second. "You're just overreacting, Cianna. Calm the fuck down! Now! We'll talk about this tomorrow. For now, you listen to me..."
I am still breathing heavily as I wait for him to continue what he's saying. Nanahimik muna ako habang naghihintay sa kanya. Pero kung hindi ko na naman magustuhan ang sasabihin niya, magwawala at magwawala na naman ako.
"Take a rest. I'm sure you had a long day at work. Sorry kung hindi kita nasundo kanina, I really got busy with the patients. You just take a nice long rest for now, at bukas na tayo mag-uusap tngkol dito. Make sure you have cooled down already when you meet me tomorrow at the parking of the law firm you're in. I don't want to have a fight with you, Cianna. Not like this. Gusto kong mag-usap tayo kapag kalmado na tayong dalawa-"
"I don't think I'll ever be calm without your answers, Kian! Lalo lang akong mababaliw kakaisip kung may tinatago ka ba talaga lalo na't tinanggi mo pa kanina ang nangyari!"
"I said calm down now, Cianna! Please! Magpahinga ka na at 'wag mo munang isipin ang nangyari-"
"Hindi ko nga kayang gawin 'yon! Sa tingin mo makakatulog ako kakaisip na may ibang babae kang kasama diyan-"
"Wala nga akong ibang kasama, Cianna. Please, bukas na 'to. Pakalmahin mo muna ang sarili mo.-" his voice was already marked with finality, pero hindi ko pa talaga gustong tumigil.
"Hindi ko nga kayang pakalmahin ang sarili ko! Kung gusto mo akong kumalma, sagutin mo ang mga katanungan sa utak ko! Sino 'yong babae na may gamit sa cellphone mo kanina? Babae mo? Nasa ospital ka ba talaga ngayon, o nagpapainit ka kasama 'yang babae mo?" I said bitterly.
Natahimik siya ng ilang sandali. And right there, my mind literally had gone crazy.
Just imagining him thinking, and deeply contemplating for another excuse because I probably hit the bull's eye, makes my anger for him turn into madness. Ngayon ay tila nagbabaga na ang apoy sa loob ko, at umuusok na ang kaluluwa ko sa galit.
"Ci, please..." he sounded so frustrated, probably because he had no other excuse to think of. "Bukas na lang tayo mag-usap. Magpahinga ka na lang muna-"
Hindi ko na nakayanan ang paulit-ulit niyang mga salita kaya pinatay ko na lang agad ang tawag. Hindi pa din ako nakalma. May kung ano pa ring parang punyal na tumutusok sa dibdib ko at hindi ko na mapigilang maiyak sa sakit.
I never imagined this time will come. Hindi ko 'to inaasahan. Na aabot kami sa puntong magkakamalaboan na nga kami. I was aware that when I entered this relationship with him, we will definitely encounter hardships and bumps on our journey. Pero hindi ko inaasahan na aabot sa ganito kalala ang problema.
I can't just think about it as a first time in this relationship. Hindi ito iyong kadalasang nangyayari sa ibang mga magka-relasyon na unang malalang pag-aaway. We do fight sometimes, at may mga pagkakataon na rin na nagkakasigawan kami, pero wala pang nangyayaring ganito.
Hindi pa kami umaabot sa pagkakataon na ganito na ang pinag-aawayan namin. I never imagined infidelity entering the scene in our relationship. I never expected that this time will happen, that I will start to doubt him because I already have proof, even when it's still not that strong, that he may be just fooling me. That maybe... he's actually with someone else and... never was serious about us.
Mas lalo akong humagulgol sa pinag-iisip ko. Now this isn't just my overthinking. I can clearly sense something scary going on with our relationship. It's something... I don't think I can handle.
Hinilamos ko ang mga palad ko sa aking mukha, at patuloy na iniyak na lang lahat ng pagdududa at sakit na nararamdaman ko. Pumunta ako sa kama ko at doon pinagpatuloy ang pag-iyak, hindi na inalintana pa na magpatuloy sa pagbihis dahil gabi na at malamig. Now I just couldn't give a fuck about anything else besides my emotions. And I just let it all flow.
Habang nakahiga na sa kama at pilit pinapakalma ang sarili sa pag-iyak, hindi pa rin natigil ang mga boses sa isip ko.
It was just when I opened my eyes and my gaze landed on a sharp thing at the corner of my bed, that another series of voices shouted at my head.
My eyes sparkled with unexplainable amusement as I continue to stare at the shiny cutter that I haven't used in such a very long time already.
Before my relationship with Kian, I was actually so lost in my life that I can always feel just emptiness inside me. Halos buwan-buwan akong naglalaslas, at talagang hindi ko na maintindihan kung gaano kabuhol-buhol ang buhay ko.
I was happy when we met again and we finally committed to each other, pero hindi ko alam na magkakaganito na naman. I thought it would be just happiness all the way, and I was never prepared for yet another heartbreak because of him.
With a blank mind, I started to go near that certain part of my bed to reach that shiny object that has been amusing my eyes for a while now. And when I finally was able to grasp it again, I unconsciously let out a smirk.
It's been a long while since you were constantly writing on my skin, my friend.
And just like what I've always been doing before, I spend the night writing scars on my skin. I knew my limits, though. I am still hoping for answers from him tomorrow, which means I still can't directly stab myself now. I just wanted to let myself bleed again. And although I wasn't even satisfied on what I've done, it somehow calmed down the emotions I was feeling with rage just minutes ago.
Ilang minuto lang yata ang naging tulog ko. Alas otso ang start ng trabaho ko sa law firm at alas siyete y medya na ako nagising, kaya hindi ko na lang inabala ang sarili pang kumain. Chineck ko lang kung nandito na ba ang caregiver nina Daddy, bago umalis nang walang laman ang tiyan.
Pati yata utak at ang buong pagkatao ay blanko lang habang bumabyahe papunta sa law firm. Dinala ko na lang ang lumang van namin at baka maging hindi maganda ang kahihinatnan ng usapan namin mamaya ni Kian. Kung hindi ko man magustuhan ang mangyari, tatakas nalang ako kaagad. Bahala na siya kung susundan niya ako o hindi.
Buong araw nga akong naging lutang sa trabaho, at pasalamat na lang ako at hindi ako nasita ng mga nakakapansin sa nangyayari sa 'kin.
I still wasn't friendly even with my colleagues here, and I don't think they mind it. Siguro ay dahil na rin sa apelyido ko, medyo may hinuha na sila sa background ko, kaya ayaw na ring ipilit na makipag-kaibigan sa 'kin.
Nang dumating na ang alas singko ay abot langit na lang ang kaba ko. Ang buong araw kong pagka-blanko sa isip ay biglang nabawi sa oras ngayon. Lalo na nang makita kong nakaparking na nga ang sasakyan ni Kian sa labas. Wala naman siya sa sa labas nito, kaya inaasahan ko na sa loob lang yata kami ng sasakyan niya mag-uusap. At mas lalo lang yata akong kinabahan d'on.
Ilang beses akong nagpakawala ng malalakas na hininga bago tuluyang humakbang palapit sa sasakyan niya. The old van I brought was just a few slots away from his. I gulped a few times before finally entering his car.
As soon as I was seated, I can already feel the tension between us. And it wasn't because of the silence, it was more because of the secrets hidden in it.
I heard him exhale a long breath before finally looking at me, his eyes now turn into an aura I have never seen in him for a long while now.
His eyes looked like something I never expected them to look. They look secretive, like hiding so many emotions and now shows a mere façade to really hide all of his secrets. Gaya noon.
With his seemingly panicked smile, I looked at him with utter disgust.
"So, how's your day?" he tried to sound friendly.
Hindi ako sumagot kaya napabuntonghininga siya. Pinaandar na niya ang sasakyan kaya medyo nanlakia ng mga mata ko, nag-panic nang kaonti. Pa'no 'yong van ko?!
"Uhh, I brought my van." I informed him. Napalingon naman siya sa 'kin sandali bago mahinang bumuntonghinga na naman.
"I want us to talk somewhere else."
Hindi ko na lang siya sinagot. Bahala na lang kung anong mangyari mamaya. Tahimik lang kami habang bumabyahe sa abalang daan ng siyudad ng Dumaguete.
We drove past the busy streets, and down into a quieter area of the city. Pero akala ko lang pala 'yon. I think he's purposely touring us around to still have time to think about something. Sa condo niya pa rin ang bagsak namin.
Mas lalo lang yata akong kinabahan nang pinark na niya ang sasakyan niya sa parking lot ng condominium. At habang paakyat naman kami patungo sa unit niya, mas lalo pa ngang kumabog ang dibdib ko.
I have been to his condo a few times before. Pero para lang 'yon kamustahin siya o para sa mga simpleng dinner dates namin na nagvo-volunteer siyang magluto.
Hindi pa kami napag-iisa d'on lalo na kapag nag-aaway kami. We always talk somewhere near the beach or kahit saan na payapa. Hindi ko ine-expect ngayon na sa condo niya kami aabot para sa isang napakalalang away namin.
At nang makapasok na nga kami, ramdam ko agad ang tensyon sa pagitan namin. Hindi pa nga nakakaabot ng ilang hakbang galing sa pinto ay hinarap ko na siya.
"Bakit dito?"
His brows furrowed as he faced me. Agad siyang natigilan sa paglalakad para harapin din ako. Umawang angdin labi niya, tila hindi alam kung pa'no ako sasagutin.
"Bakit din hindi dito? Cianna, this is a serious matter. We will need a very private place."
Hindi ko na lang siya sinagot at nagpatianod na lang nang marahan niya akong giniya ako sa kwarto niya. Kumunot ulit ang noo ko. Sa kwarto talaga?
Mas lalo lang akong kinabahan. Lalo na nang pagkapasok na pagkapasok pa lang namin ay naghubad kaagad siya ng polo sa harap ko mismo. He doesn't seem to mind my nervousness.
Talagang nagbihis siya ng tshirt sa harap ko, at tinanggal pa ang sinturon niya! Meanwhile, I was frozen on my spot, not knowing how to react. Hindi ko alam kung magsisimula na ba ako sa pagwawala tungkol sa nangyari kagabi, o mananatili lang sa posisyon ko at hayaan ang sariling lamunin ng temptasyon.
He exhaled sexily when he turned to me again. I bit my lip hard and looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes.
"So... where shall we start?" he asked as he sat down his bed.
I gulped. "'Yong kagabi. Who was that girl?"
He exhaled another long breath. "I really don't know what you're talking about. There was no one checking my phone. At mas lalong walang babae. I actually didn't know why you suddenly freaked out-"
"Hindi ako basta-bastang nagalit, Kian! And don't you dare try to deny it! May babae ngang sumagot sa cellphone mo kagabi!"
"Wala ngang babae! Wala akong babae!" tumaas na rin ang boses niya.
"Quit denying it, please, Kian! Ano pala 'yong narinig ko kagabi? Guni-guni ko lang? Panaginip? No! I heard everything so clearly! And that girl's voice was familiar! Si Reign ba 'yon?"
Nakita kong umigting ang panga niya, nagagalit na din sa pang-aakusa ko.
"Will you also stop accusing me? At bakit mo dinadamay si Reign dito? Matagal na 'yong bumalik sa kanila."
"Eh sino 'yong babae kagabi?"
He let out a frustrated sigh. Bahagya na niya ring hinilot ang sentido niya. He also looks tired, siguro kasi galing pa nga siya sa ospital tapos nagyon... inaaway ko pa siya.
I started to feel guilty for a second. Pero tumigil din ako nang maisip na para sa 'min din naman 'to. We have to talk about this matter because it already talks about some doubts in our relationship.
"Ideny mo ulit at masasampal na talaga kita," banta ko sa kanya.
"Ci, please... believe me. Wala akong alam sa sinasabi mo. All I knew was that I saw one of the nurses checking my phone and she told me that her reason was chine-check niya lang daw kung natanggap ko ba 'yong message niya sa 'kin na ayaw niya pa pala i-send. That's all."
"Then you should've just told me that last night! Or is this just one of your made-up excuses?!"
"I didn't tell you because I really don't know what you're talking about. You instantly freaked out about a girl, immediately doubting my answers. How do you think will I react? Malamang aalamin ko muna kung anong pinagsasabi mo kagabi."
"Eh bakit natahimik ka no’ng sinabi ko na baka wala ka sa ospital? Na baka nagpapainit-"
"Walang gan’on, Cianna! Pwede ba? You're just overthinking!"
Iniwas ko ang tigin ko sa kanya saka napabuntonghininga. Siguro napansin niya ang pagkadismaya ko sa pagtaas niya ng boses sa 'kin kaya agad niya akong dinaluhan.
Pinagkrus ko ang mga braso ko sa harap at nagsimulang maglakad palayo sa kanya, pinapahiwatig ang pagtatampo ko. Agad niya naman ako hinarangan nang makaabot na ako malapit sa pintuan. He gently caressed my arms, warming my cold soul.
"Sorry..." he whispered as he leaned closer to my face. Iniwas ko ang mukha ko.
"Hindi mo alam kung gaano ako nabaliw kagabi, Kian. I thought you were..."
"Shhh," he gently kissed my forehead.
Nang makita niya ding may namumuo nang mga butil ng luha sa mga mata ko, agad niya na naman akong hinalikan. He kissed my lips like he's telling me to calm down, convincing me that he really didn't do anything wrong. I kissed him back, too. Telling him that I'm still not fully convinced but is willing to try to work things out.
Hinatid na niya ako nang umabot na ang alas nuebe. Madilim na nga sa labas kaya nagmadali siyang i-drive ako pabalik sa law firm para kunin ang van ko. Hindi niya na rin naman ako pinilit na sa condo niya na lang matulog.
Sa mahigit isang taon na naming pagsasama, hindi pa namin nagagawang matulog sa iisang kwarto. Naramdaman niya siguro na hindi ako kumportable. At isa pa, hindi rin naman siguro siya ganoong klaseng lalaki para pilitin ako sa gano’ng mga bagay.
"Susundan pa rin kita." sambit niya nang pababa na ako sa sasakyan niya para puunta sa akin.
Tipid ko lang siyang nginitian at tumango bago sinara na ang pinto.
He really did follow me on my way home. Nakabuntot lang siya sa sasakyan ko habang tinatahak ko ang daan pauwi sa bahay. At nang makaabot na nga ako, deretso lang akong pumasok sa loob at hindi na pinansin pa kung umalis na din ba siya o ano.
Our conversation on his condo was just enough to assure me that he really isn't cheating. Wala nang naging sigawan pagkatapos nung nangyari sa kwarto niya. We only shared that few minute kiss and we're back to the kitchen to have dinner. Kaswal na ang lahat pagkatapos no’n.
And I think that small talk was effective. I slept peacefully that night at pagkatapos pa ng ilang araw, bumalik naman sa normal ang relasyon namin.
He never noticed the fresh scars on my hand, and I was relieved that he didn't. Baka mag-away na naman kami at ako na ang magiging dahilan. That fight was already one of our worst ones, for it really made me doubt Kian even just for a moment. Kung sa susunod man na mangyari ulti 'yon, hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari. Hahayaan ko na lang mangyari kung anong tadhana ang nakatapat sa amin.
But as of now, we're back to our healthy relationship. Wala nang naging malalang alitan sa pagitan namin pagkatapos n'on.
Now I'm in a night out with my friends. Simpleng inuman lang naman at malapit na din ang kasal nina Mia at Ronald. We we're just having a peaceful alcohol session, mostly just talking about our busy lives.
Medyo nakahinga naman na ako ngayon na medyo nakakaangat na rin ako sa buhay. Sa ilang buwan ko sa law firm, malaki ang nabawas ko sa pasanin sa bahay. Para lang namang wala 'yon kay Mommy, pero alam kong medyo natutuwa na siya na professional na ako ngayon.
Evon is still not with us right now. Pati no’ng pumunta kamisa Siquijor ay hindi siya sumama. My friends were silent about it pero alam kong alam naman siguro nila ang dahilan niya. And I understand him, too. I still text him at times, to just check on him in a friendly way. Pero may isang beses pa rin talaga na nag-away kami ni Kian dahil dito.
"Why are you still texting that guy?" he asked one time as we were driving past the busy streets of Dumaguete.
I turned to him only to see a very jealous Kian Caballero beside me. I smiled.
"Selos ka naman?"
My smile grew wider when he furrowed his brows more.
"Hindi mo na dapat tine-text 'yan. Baka umasa na naman." he angrily stated as his eyes are still on the road. Natawa lang ako.
"I was just checking on him!"
"Ano ka? Doktor? Pasyente mo 'yan?"
"Well, he did check on me no’ng hindi ka pa bumabalik. I'm just returning the favor," I explained.
"Return the fa-pucha. 'Wag ka nang mag-ganyan! Aasa naman 'yan tapos babalik sa 'yo!"
I just laughed at him. "Eh ano naman? I'd still reject him, Kian. I'm already committed to you." I said as I locked our hands while he's still driving.
Naramdaman ko ang pagkabalisa niya at nakita ko ding bahagya siyang namula. Lumawak ang ngiti ko.
He pouted. "Dapat lang. Akin ka na, eh."
He then kissed the back of my hand. Hindi ko namalayang para na rin pala akong baliw na nakangiti sa harap ng mga kaibigan ko. Now they're looking at me weirdly.
Nakangiti ng maloko sina Ronald at Mia sa 'kin. Gan’on din si Cha. Evana's the only one smiling at me with hidden disappointment in her eyes. Alam ko naman ang rason niya. Hindi ko na lang iyon pinuna at nagsimula na lang ulit na makisali sa mga usapan nila.
"Kamusta sa law firm, Ci? Okay lang ba sa 'yo si Atty. Langin?" tanong ni Mia sa 'kin. Ngumiti ako bago siya tinanguan.
"Ayos lang naman." I chuckled awkwardly.
"S'an ba boyfriend mo ngayon, Ci? Duty?" tanong ni Ron.
I smiled at her, "Oo, eh."
"How's it going? I mean, the two of you... you still don't have plans for marriage? You're already of age, Cianna." si Cha.
Binaba ko sa lamesa ang baso ng alak na hawak ko kanina.
"Hmm, wala pa! Saka, alam niyo naman 'yung tungkol sa pamilya namin. Hanggang ngayon ayaw ng Mommy sa kaniya."
Ronald chuckled, "And that's fine. Ayos lang naman kung hindi pa kayo ready. Just don't let anyone ruin your relationship. You actually look like a really great couple!"
"I agree!" si Mia.
"Ako rin!" sigaw din ni Cha saka tumawa. "Bitter pa rin naman ako pero sana magkaroon din ako ng relasyon ng kagaya sa inyo someday. I still believe in love!"
She then pouted. "I mean, depende. Kung hindi gwapo ang mag-aaproach, 'edi..."
Nagtawanan kaming lahat sa sinabi niya. Of course, Cha is known to be an innocent girl before who’s already contented on simple crushes. Pero bigla 'yong nagbago nang nagmahal tapos nasaktan siya. In her sorrow, she turned back into her old self, just admiring everyone else but with bits of bitterness in her personality. She never confronted me about it, and so are to my other friends, pero may alam naman kami sa nangyari. She's just with this bubbly person but I know that she's also in pain inside.
I already started to appreciate my friends more during the past year. I don't know if it's Kian's feedback of them that made me realized that they are people that I should really treasure, o baka dahil... unti-unti na ding nahihilom ang mga sugat sa pagkatao ko na, natutunan ko na ngang pahalagahan lahat ng binibigay sa 'kin ng buhay.
Nasa isang resto bar na naman kami ngayon. Hindi na d'on sa madalas namig puntahan sa siyudad. Medyo bago pa itong lugar na ito kaya naisipan naming i-try.
It was Evana's idea na dito kami magkita. Since she always has a great taste on everything, everyone agreed without a second thought.
We were halfway in finishing our drinks and food when I decided to go to the restroom. Bago ako nagpaalam sa kanila ay chineck ko muna ang cellphone ko kung may mga message ba ako galing kay Kian. I found none so I directly proceeded to where I am bound to go.
Nagpaalam na ako kanina kay Kian na gagala ako pagkatapos ng trabaho. He just replied a simple okay and haven't send any messages after that. Hindi naman na ako nagduda. He had always been like that. He's a guy who’s not that fond of long text messages, kaya hindi ko na pinuna ang ginawa niya. Besides, I only wanted to inform him about my whereabouts. And he's always busy with work, so...
I did my thing in the restroom. It didn't take long when I was again on the sink to wash my hands then proceeded to check on my face. Konting re-touch lang ang ginawa ko bago binitbit ulit ang purse at maglalakad na sana palabas nang matigilan ako.
Pipihitin ko na sana ang doorknob nang may una nang pumihit dito mula sa labas. Hinintay ko na lang na makapasok siya para makalabas na rin ako.
I was actually surprised when I saw that it was Reign who entered the restroom. Nakita kong medyo nagulat din siya. Her doe-eyed features drifted away from me for a while, seemingly panicking with my presence. Nang ibalik niya naman sa 'kin ang tingin niya ay nginitian niya ako. Although it seems fake, I still smiled back.
Hindi ko na siya kinausap pa bago lumabas doon. But then, I was surprised yet again when I saw Kian standing outside the restroom. He was on his phone, that's why he didn't notice me at first. I wasn't glaring at him, though. I'm just looking at him with utter curiousity. Bakit siya nandito?
May katawagan yata siya sa cellphone kaya nakatalikod siya sa 'kin. He is also a few meters away from me but I already memorized his figure. With those broad shoulders and lean body, I am really sure it was him. Pero ang tanong, bakit siya nandito?
He didn't tell me kung nas'an siya n’ong huli niyang message sa 'kin. But I assumed na busy siya sa ospital. Tapos ngayon, nandito pala siya. What can bring him to this place? Masyadong malayo ang ospital dito.
Nakita kong humakbang pa siya palayo sa 'kin, hindi pa rin yata tapos sa tawag niya. I just shook my head. Baka may ka-meet pala siya dito na ibang doktor.
Do doctors meet each other outside the hospital premises? And on purpose? I don't think so. Lalo na at residente pa siya. Kakailanganin pa siya palagi sa ospital.
But I have no time to doubt him now. Maybe I should just let him do what he is doing. Ayoko nang pagdudahan na naman siya.
I was about to really throw those doubts out of my head. But when I was approaching my friends, I heard them gossiping something. At dahil hindi naman masyadong kalakihan ang lugar at wala pa rin naman masyadong tao, I can still really hear them even when I'm still a few meters away.
I slowed down on my tracks. Unti-unti at dahan-dahan akong humakbang patungo sa kung nas'an sila.
"Mia, this is what friends do. Helping their other friends! We are just helping Cianna! There's no need to be guilty." I heard Ronald say that to Mia. Inakbayan niya pa ito.
My brow shot up with the sudden mention of my name. Mas lalo ko lang binagalan ang paglalakad ko nang ma-realize na ako nga ang pinag-uusapan nila.
"Ron's right, Mia. Kasi, kung hindi natin ginawa 'yon, if we didn't approach Kian to help Cici out, malamang hanggang ngayon lugmok pa rin 'yon sa kalungkutan. She'll forever be depressed! And can we stand seeing our friend struggling like that?" si Cha.
Umawang ang bibig ko sa narinig. What the hell are they talking about?
"Pero kasi... what if Cici finds out? Na... ganito pala? Na inutusan lang pala natin si Kian noon? Yes, we saved her from being drowned in sadness by forcing someone to enter her life again, just to make her happy. And now, nakita ko din namang nagiging masaya na siya. But what if the time comes na, malaman niya ang totoo? Cha, the truth might break her again. Ano na lang gagawin natin kapag nangyari nga 'yon?"
Mas lalong akong naging atentibo sa pinag-uusapan nila. I can't believe I'm really hearing these from them. I am currently dealing with yet another series of unexplainable emotions. I can't believe them. I can't believe my friends! Kailan pa?!
"Then we will just make a way for her to understand it. That we just actually did that for her own good. That we were just trying to help her out. And besides, I was once opposed to this plan of yours. Pero naisip kong ayoko nga rin talagang makita siyang sobra-sobra na ang paghihirap sa buhay. That's why I agreed. And I think it's a big effort that all of us cooperated on this. In making our friend happy. Maybe we should just tell her that we really exerted a lot of effort in this. Maybe she'll understand."
Unti-unting namuo ang mga butil ng luha sa mga mata ko. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa mga nalaman ko.
I can't believe it! My friends were just motherfucking playing with me all this time! I can't believe their words. Hindi ako makapaniwalang napaka-kalmado lang nila habang pinag-uusapan ang katarantaduhang ginawa nila sa buhay ko. How could they do this to me?
At ngayon pa talaga kung kailan nagsisimula na akong pahalagahan sila ng totoo. They knew great timings, huh?
Nakita ko ang pagtango ni Ron, "Yup. That's what we'll tell her. Don't worry too much, Mia. I know she'll understand it. Besides, I don't think we'll get busted early. We still have a lot of time to think on how to handle her if she finally knew about this."
With my heavy breathing, I tried to absorb all the things I just heard from my beloved friends. Oh, these idiots. Now that I finally knew what they've been up to all this time, I started to think on how they will react if they finally noticed that I'm actually just behind them, listening.
I imagined it for a while, and I laughed at my head for all the silly outcomes that I made. But before I can even stop myself, I blurted out words that made them turn their heads instantly at my direction.
"Oh no, you don't."