Habang dumaraan ang mga araw mas lalo siyang naiinis. Malapit na silang mag tapos. Ilang buwan nalang at college students na sila. Pag parada ng isang sasakyan sa harap niya ay pumasok na ito.
"Hey babe. Fasten my seatbelt please." I said sweetly
"Tsk too childish"
"But you love this child does to you." sabi ko sabay turo sa sarili. Habang siya naman ay inaayos ang seatbelt ko.
"Of course I love you so much babe." he said at ginulo niya ang buhok ko
"You ruined my hair again." I said as I pout.
"Its fine I'll fix that before you go out of my car." he laugh.
"Kaasar!"
Nag babangayan kami sa loob ng sasakyan hangang sa makarating kami sa parking lot ng paaralan ay nag aaway parin kami.
"Fix this hair of mine you ruined it." I shout at him
"Come here I'll braid it"
Agad naman akong tumalima at lumapit sakanya. He cares my hair and comb it by his hand and start braiding it. After a second tinali na niya iyon and held my hand and pulled me closer to him and we walk.
How sweet he is.
"I love you." Iwhisper on him.
"Why are you like this? May sakit ka ba?" He ask me
"Wala naman. Aalis kasi ako mamaya hanggang 11 lang kasi ang pasok ko ngayong araw so I'll go home early pwede ba?" I ask him.
"Mag isa ka ulit sa bahay? Every Thursday lagi kang umuuwi ng maaga. Why?" takang tanong niya.
"Wala akong pasok eh." I answered simply.
"Is that it?" He ask again.
"Yes. I'll go now malelate na ako. I love you." I said and walk away. Hindi ko na hinintay ang sagot niya.
Tulala akong nakaupo sa aking upuan habang hinihintay matapos ang subject namin. Matapos mag turo ay agad akong nag order ng lunch ni Marcus at dinala ito sakanya.
"What brings you here little Suarez?" bungad sakin ni Leigh
"Tsk don't call me that. Nandyan ba si Marcus?" I ask him
"Marcus may dalaw ka. Nandito si little Suarez." he shout at Marcus who turns his head to see me and smile before he stand up and walk towards me.
"Hey babe. Bakit ka nandito?" He asked me. Ngumiti ako sa kaniya bago ipinakita ang hawak ko.
"Parang hindi sanay. Here. Lunch mo." sabi ko at inabot and tupperware sakanya.
"Thanks for this"
"Uuwi na ako"
"Ingat ka"
"Yeah I'll be. I love you. Take care okay keep safe babe bye" I said while waving at him at walk.
I love you my seconds to remember.
But that was the last time na inuna niya ako.
Akala ko perpekto na ang lahat.
Akala ko kaya ko ng mag isa.
Akala ko ayos na ang mga nangyayari
Akala ko Hindi na mangyayari ulit ang nakaraan.
Akala ko lang pala.
Because now. The history repeat it self again. And that's to me again.
Halos dalawang oras akong nag hinintay kay Marcus sa tapat ng gate ng school namin pero wala siya. Sinipat ko ulit ang relo ko at tinignan ang oras. Alas singko na ng hapon. Nag hintay ulit ako ng ilang oras pero walang Marcus ang dumating. I called a taxi at nag pahatid sa bahay. Bandang alas dyies na ng makauwi ako. I waited him for almost 7 hours pero ni anino niya ay walang dumating. I felt a single tear escape from my eyes.
It hurts that it is happening again. But I need to be strong.
I let that day passed. I never call him, even text I never send one.
Nag hintay ulit ako sa labas ng gate ng bahay namin alas sais palang ng umaga but its already seven in the morning walang Marcus ang sumundo sakin. I take a cab at nag pahatid sa school. Muntikan pa akong malate sa first subject ko dahil wala siya.
Nasanay akong sinusundo niya at hinahatid. Nasanay akong nakaalalay siya sakin. Nasanay akong lagi siyang nariyan para sakin.
But now I need to stand alone. Hindi lahat ng oras ay nandyan siya sa tabi ko.
When the lunch break came. No signals from him again. I order a food for two at tinahak ko na ang classroom niya. Baka nakalimutan niya lang siguro.
When I'm about to step on the door and greet him an afternoon I heard him laugh over a joke that a woman beside him threw up.
He is eating his lunch with another woman. While I'm sitting in my chair waiting for his presence. Huminga ako ng malalim bago nag lakad papalapit sa kanila.
"Good afternoon. Here's your lunch" I said with a smile habang siya naman ay gulat na nakatingin sakin.
"Hi!" a woman waved at me then she stand up and smile
"Hello." I replied coldly.
"Ako nga pala si Alyana. But you can call me ally or yana or what ever you want to call me. But they are calling me ally. I'm Marcus first love." she said and smile.
Parang nilagnat ako sa narinig. Yeah who am I compared to his first love. I'm nothing compared to her
"First best friend. First dance. First kiss. First hug. First girlfriend. First heart break. And you are?" she continued
"I'm Elicia. His girlfriend. The present and probably his future." I said and smile. We made a hand shake before she sat down. Tinignan naman ako ni Marcus na para bang pinag aaralan ako.
"Sorry I never know that your the girlfriend. I should never said those words. I'm sorry." she apologized but I know it wasn't meant to be.
"Its fine. I'll gonna go. Hinatid ko lang ang lunch ng boyfriend ko. Malalate na ako sa next subject ko. Bye nice meeting you. Take care babe." I told him bago hinalikan ang noo niya and I walk away.
Pero habang nasa daan ay hindi ko napigilang mapaluha. Love sucks. It hurts damn much.
Buong mag hapon ay tulala ako. Walang pumasok sa isip ko kahit anong kaalaman. Wala nga akong natandaan kahit isa sa mga lesson na tinuro kanina.
"Babe." bigla namang nabuhayan ang biyernes santo kong mukha ng isang matamis na ngiti.
"Hi babe. Kamusta yung mag hapon mo. Kinain mo ba ang lunch na binigay ko?" I ask him while hugging my boyfriend.
"Of course galing sayo syempre kakainin ko."
"Uuwi na ba tayo?" I ask him again
"Ihahatid ko muna si Ally okay. Wait for me here. I'll be back" sabi niya at hinalikan ang noo ko
"Faster. Can you please come faster."
"Of  course. I'll go now okay. Magagalit kasi si Tita eh"
"Bye babe. Take care okay"
I watch  him walked away from me. And then here's my tears again. Like a fountain that never stop on falling.
Ilang oras na akong nag hihintay pero wala parin siya.
"Best bakit ka nandyan?" my best friend Micah asked me.
"Hinihintay si Marcus."
"Oh! Nga pala papakilala kita kay Ally"
"Nakilala ko na siya."
"Really. So how is she mabait diba."
"Yeah. I want to be friend with her" I said and smile at her. Kahit na ayaw ko ay dapat akong makibagay.
"Pero may sakit sa puso yun eh. Kaya nga ingat na ingat ang mga magulang niya sakanya." she said
I stop for a second before my system work again. May sakit siya kaya ingat na ingat ang lahat sakanya. Wala pala akong laban eh.
"Ah ganun ba. I hope she'll survive."
"Yeah me too. She's strong she can pass that."
"May pupuntahan ka ba?" I ask her changing our topic
"Ay oo nga pala. Aalis na ako best. Ingat ka okay"
"Ingat best. I love you best" I said and give her a flying kiss. she wave to me before catching the kiss.
Huminga ako ng malalim bago tumingin ulit sa kawalan. Maya-maya lang ay darating na sina France dito. Alas sais sila lalabas ngayong araw.
Halos isang oras ulit akong umupo sa bench at hinihintay siya pero wala paring bumabalik.
Nakarinig naman ako ng ingay mula sa mga estudyante na papalabas ng gate.
"Hey little Suarez. Hindi ka pa ba uuwi?" Ashton ask me
"Hinihintay ko pa si Marcus"
"Umuwi ka na mag gagabi na. Uulan pa naman." sabi ni France
"Ayos lang ako France. Nga pala kamusta yung report mo Abby" I ask her
"Thanks for that. Nakapasa ako sa taste ni sir terror" she said in relief.
Lahat kami tumawa sa sinabi ni Abby. Sa grupo namin. Si Abby ang pinaka tamad mag aral. Ewan ko ba. Masipag naman sina France, Ara at Micah. Even Ashton, Leigh, Evren, Marcus at Josh matalino rin. Tamad lang talaga si Abby mag aral.
"Tinamad ka na naman kasing baliw ka" sigaw sakanya ni Evren.
"Aba't sinisigawan mo na ako. Gago ka" narinig na lamang namin na sumisigaw na si Evren dahil napingot na naman siya ni Abby.
"Tama na. Ayaw ko na hindi na kita sisigawan!" sabi ni Evren na animoy bata
"Aba dapat lang. Ibibitin na kita sa susunod"
"Little Suarez Hindi ka pa uuwi?" Ashton ask me.
"No. Mauna na kayo. Ingat"
"Mag gagabi na." singit naman ni josh habang tinatangal ang earphones niya.
"I'm fine here." I assure them.
"You sure?" Ara ask me
"Of course. Go. Ingat okay" I said and wave at them.
"Bago umulan umuwi ka na hah. Takot ka pa naman sa kulog at kidlat. Para kang bata." Josh said before they vanish on my sight.
I waited another 2 hours but there's no sign of Marcus hanggang sa mag simula ng pumatak ang ulan.
Bakit ba kasi ako umasa na darating siya.
Dahil alam ko saming dalawa ng first love niya. Si ally and uunahin niya kesa sakin.
Si ally ang pupuntahan niya kesa sakin.
Si ally ang papatahanin niya at hindi ako.
This battle was against me her girlfriend and his first love.
I'm against of his first. His life. His everything.
I'm nothing.
I'm just a girlfriend.
That's it. My eyes starts to become teary at bumagsak na nga ang luha ko. Kasabay ng pag bagsak ng ulan ay ang pag agos ng pinipigilang luha.
I'm nothing compared to his first love. I'm only his girlfriend not his life. Not his rule. Not his air. Not his world. I'm not his priority. I'm just second on his attention now. I'm not his  first.
With the broad light coming from the moon and street light I walk and walk and walk under the rain. Hindi ko ininda ang lamig. Hindi ko ininda ang pagod. Hindi ko ininda ang sakit. I only want is to walk until I feel numb. Until the feeling of my gooddamn heart be normal again.
I don't want to feel hurt. To left behind or to be the last priority. I want to be the first in line. I want to be their  world even just a single time.
I want to be their world to.
To get there attention.
To feel the love I want to feel.
The love I want to gain.
The time I ask to have.
And the feeling I want to feel.
Umuwi ako sa condo ko ng basang basa. Hindi parin ako natigil sa pag iyak. Isang oras akong nakasalampak sa sahig bago ako tumayo para mag bihis ng damit. Hindi parin ako tumitigil sa pag iyak. Hindi napapagod ang mata ko sa pag buhos ng luha. Hindi ata ako napapagod.
Hindi ako mapapagod