** move 004 **
< m i s a o >
‘Misao... Mom’s in the hospital. Dad is on a business trip so he won’t be here for a week. I hope you can come back here and visit mom. I hope to see you soon. We miss you brother.’
I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about mom, that's why I decided to go back home. I have to ditch school today but that’s not what matters now.
And so I thought…
I’m standing in front of mom’s room here in the hospital but I can’t bring myself to open the door.
Am I scared? Maybe.
I’m scared that all the memories and pain I tried to leave here will come rushing back. I’m scared that once I see mom’s face, I won’t be able to bring myself to leave again.
Still, I gathered my courage to reach for the door knob but worries and fears wash over me as I let it go.
“I-I’ll just send a chat to Miki…” I sighed. As I turned around to leave, a familiar voice spoke from a distance.
“Misao?” It was Miki. Her face showed confusion at the same time her eyes can’t hide her happiness. “You’re here!”
“Miki?! Uhm… don’t you have school today?”
“I was excused from class today. I want to take care of mom here.” As she walked closer to me, her lips curved into a big smile. “I’m so happy to see you!”
She wrapped her arms around my waist bringing me into a hug. I can feel her happiness to finally see me. She must have missed me so much. And I do too. I missed Miki and mom.
I patted her head. My heart aches seeing her like this.
“Let’s go see mommy!” She beamed as she released me from the hug.
“Okay.”
Miki gently pushed the door often, careful not to cause a noise. She went inside first and I heard her greet our mom.
“Mommy! Mommy! Guess who’s here to see you?”
“Hmmm? Who’s it… Miki…” Mom traced her words as her eyes flew toward me as I ambled towards her. “M-Misao?” Her eyes immediately welled up then, almost immediately, drops of tears fell from both her eyes, running down her obviously thinned cheeks.
I took a few steps towards her, crossing the short distance between us, then she invited me for a hug which I gladly accepted. She wept over my shoulder as she called my name over and over. She’s warm and her arms feel comfortable, just how I remember it.
“How are you feeling now?” I asked when she released me from the hug.
“The operation was successful. Sometimes the cut hurts but I’m okay. There's nothing to worry about. Besides, I'm happy that you came to see me. Wait… How did you know I’m here?”
“Miki sent me a message last night. She told me you’re here.”
Mom glanced at Miki then she smiled at her. “Thank you, Miki.”
“No need to thank me, mommy. I’m just disappointed with dad.” Miki crossed her arms in front of her. “He still left for that business trip even though he knows you’ll have an operation. But I guess that’s fine, at least we could see Misao now.”
“Don’t be like that Miki. That was an extremely important trip for your dad, that’s why he can’t cancel it.” Mom‘s smile, this time, was filled with sadness.
“He didn’t change even a tiny bit.” Words spit out my mouth as I think of our dad. “His reputation and position are still the most important for him.”
I tried to suppress my anger for mom and Miki. It’s been such a long time since we last saw each other and I want this to be a nice reunion, at the very least. But I can’t help it. Every time I remember the awful things my dad did, I can’t help but be filled with overwhelming anger.
I felt a hand take mine. I looked down and it was mom. “It’s fine, Misao. I’m fine. Besides, I’m happy because you’re here.”
That calmed me. Seeing my mom and sister smiling makes me feel okay.
It’s been 4 years since I left home. More like, since I ran away. My parent’s home never once felt home to begin with. Mom helped me leave. It was a sudden decision and mom knew at that time it wouldn't be good and safe for me to stay in that house any longer.
I was despised by my dad when he found out I was gay. He was furious and extremely disappointed he beat me to a pulp. I remember how my body became numb from the pain he inflicted on me, punches after punches until his own knuckles were bleeding. And he didn’t stop from there. He was about to hit me with a metal when my mom took the hit instead of me. I was lying on the floor, my face swollen, my eyes can barely see, and I can taste blood in my mouth.
The whole time he’s shouting how shameful, filthy and immoral I am. He’s furious that I may bring shame to our family’s reputation, to ‘his’ reputation.
Somehow, I didn’t care about what he said about me or how much he hurt me. But I can’t let him hurt and say awful things to Saki, my best friend and then lover, too.
When the beating ended, he made me stay in my room, he took my phone and computer, for I don’t remember how long. A week? Two? three? It might even be longer than I remember. He said I should learn and reflect on my filthiness. He said I should cure myself. That I should drill into my rotten brain that I am a son of a politician and I should not do things that will bring shame into his name. It was so sad. I was lonely but the thought of seeing Saki again gave me strength.
When I was finally allowed to go out, I found out that Saki was brought to the UK by his family. I had no other means of communication with him. I can no longer contact his number and his social media accounts were deactivated. But I still believed, and hoped, that I’ll hear from him again.
My mom was so scared that my dad might hurt me again, that's why she kept on reminding me that I should be careful not to do the things that will make him mad. He has his eyes on my every move. Even just talking with my male classmate can trigger his anger and he’ll end up beating me when he comes back home. So I just stopped talking to anyone.
That house had nothing but miserable memories and I never plan to step foot there once again.