Jaymee’s Point Of View...
I must be dreaming, aren’t I?
Yung utak ko kanina na maluwag at walang iniisip, biglang napuno ng mga random thoughts ngayon.
My body froze again for the second time. But this time, mas malala na. I almost couln’t feel my hands dahil sa sobrang lamig. Nanlambot din ang buong katawan ko at feeling ko anytime ay babagsak ako, pero pinipigilan ko. Biglang may kung anong sakit ang naramdaman ko sa dibdib ko.
Suddenly, breathing became harder. Pakiramdam ko ay nag s-skip ng beat ang puso ko.
Kung nagulat ako, siya rin.
He suddenly stopped in the middle of his walk towards us. Bakas sa mukha niya ang gulat. He must be surprised. He should be.
Biglang nagtama ang mga mata namin, and for some reasons, hindi ko maalis ang tingin ko sa kaniya at ganoon rin naman siya.
Why?
Of all places, why here?
Sa dinami dami ng pagkakataon, bakit ngayon pa?
Pero pinilit ko ang sarili ko na tanggalin na ang tingin ko sa kaniya at kumain na lang ng barbecue.
He continued to walk toward us. I can still feel him staring at me.
“Ang tagal mo naman.” sabi ni Hyze sa kaniya.
“Magpapalit lang dapat ako ng damit. But i accidentally spilled a juice sa damit ko kaya I took a quick shower”
“By the way, babe, meet the smartest among us all, Raize Julian, Raju for short.”
At dahil doon ay mas lalo pa niya akong tinitigan. Gusto kong umiyak, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Bigla ko na lang naramdaman na parang may mga kutsilyong tumusok sa dibdib ko. Ang bigat bigat sa pakiramdam.
Umupo na kaming lahat around the rectangular table. Umupo siya sa mismong harapan ko, sa pagitan ni Jam at Li. Hindi man lang siya nag effort na umupo sa lugar na medyo hindi ko siya makikita. Sa mismong harapan ko pa talaga.
“Hi.” he said in a serious tone, and with a serious face. I can feel that Hyze is waiting for my response sa ‘Hi’ niya kaya sumagot ako.
“Hello.” seryoso kong saad. Ramdam ko rin na tinitignan kami ni Jam.
“Aren’t your introduction to me too much? Your...” then he had a quick glance at me, “your girlfriend is smart too, isn’t she?”
Nagpalipat lipat ang titig ni Hyze sa aming dalawa ni Raju. He looks so much amazed dahil sa sinabi ng kaibigan niya.
“How did you know that? Magkakilala ba kayo?”
“No/Hindi.” Nagkasabay pa kami ng sagot. Why is he doing this to me, hmm? What the hell did I do so wrong to experience this now? I mean, ngayon pa talaga ah?
“Hindi, hindi ko siya kilala. I think, this is my first time seeing him, babe.” I somehow managed to keep my voice stable. Habang tumatagal, parang gusto ko na rin umalis. Pero hindi pwede. I just can’t leave.
“Yeah, she’s right. Ngayon ko lang din siya nakilala.”
“Oh, I see.” Then Hyze just nodded. After that, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
“Everyone, this is Jaymee. The only one for me.” And then he looked at me with so much happiness in his eyes. I smiled back as he continued to stare at me.
“So, if you both don’t mind, gaano na kayo katagal?” tanong ni Charlie.
Hyze looked at me as if sinasabi niya na kung okay lang na sabihin na namin ay ako na lang ang magsabi.
“Six months.” matipid kong sagot.
“Whoa, six months mo ng tinatago sa amin ‘to Hyze?” napatampal ng bibig si Jwi.
“Bro, we only kept it lowkey, hindi secret.”
“How was it?” Bigla kaming napatingin kay Raize ng bigla siyang nagsalita.
“What do you mean by ‘how was it?’ bro?” tanong ni Hyze kay Raize.
“I mean, keeping your relationship lowkey...”
“It was fun.” I said in a normal tone as if I am talking to a friend. “Hindi naman namin kailangan ipangalandakan sa lahat na we are in a relationship, di ba?”
Tumango tango lang siya. I feel na medyo mean yung tono ng pagsasalita ko kanina kaya natahimik ang paligid.
This feels like a torture.
Kumain na lang ako ng tahimik. Lahat ng iniaabot na barbecue sa akin ni Martin ay kinakain ko na lang. The food is good and I don’t want to ruin that fact just because he is sitting right in front of me. Bakit ba ayaw niyang mag alis ng tingin sa akin? Kung pwede lang na sipain ko na yung paa niya below this table ay ginawa ko na. Kalma Jaymee, you are stronger than this.
Inabutan naman ako ng can of softdrink ni Hyze.
“Here babe, eat slowly. Just tell me if you need something, hmm?”
“Thanks.” I said with a smile on my face.
“Hoy Martin, siguraduhin mo na luto yung mga barbecue na inaabot mo kay Jaymee.”
“Hyze, pag yung barbecue hindi naluto ng maayos, si Jam yung sisihin mo. Siya yung nagluto.”
“Huwag kang mag alala Hyze, luto yan hanggang sa kaloob looban.” depensa naman ni Jam or Jax rather. Why do I have to call him Jam in the first place e hindi naman nila ako ka-tropa. But nevermind, I’ll just call him Jam too. Sounds cute naman.
The atmosphere is still awkward for me. Kanina hindi. Pero nung dumating si Jam at Raize, pakiramdam ko ay hindi na ako makagalaw ng maayos.
“By the way, before everything else, i would like to give you this, Jaymee.” Li said while wearing his wide baby-like smile as he handed a key to me na naka attach sa keychain na may pangalan ko. “Dahil girlfriend ka ni Hyze at ipinakilala ka na niya sa amin, it means na welcome ka na sa villa and you can do everything you want to do here anytime.”
Bigla akong napatingin kay Hyze, tapos sa susi, tapos kay Charlie. Hyze gave me a ‘take it, it’s okay’ look.
“But, isn’t this too much?”
“Nope. Not at all. It is a welcome gift. Ibig sabihin, you have us too now. Kung girlfriend ka ni Hyze na kaibigan namin, ibig sabihin kaibigan ka na rin namin. Welcome to the group!” sabi pa ni Charlie.
“Tama si Li. Kaya kapag inaaway ka ni Hyze, sabihan mo kami, okay? Para matadyakan namin siya.” dagdag pa ni Jwi sa sinabi ni Li.
I just laughed, ignoring the fact that I am a bit uncomfortable. “Mukhang hindi niyo yata siya matatadyakan. For all I know, this guy is the sweetest...”
Nakita ko si Raize na napatingin sa akin.
“And the best guy that I’ve met in my life.” I added.
It made Raize look to me even more.
“Welcome to the group Jaymee!!” Jen said.
“O kayong dalawa, tutulala lang kayo? Wala kayong sasabihin? Kahit welcome man lang ganun.. Baka isipin na niyan ni Jaymee na hindi kayo approachable.” bulalas ni Li kina Raize at Jam. Napansin niya kasi na wala silang kibo at tahimik lang.
“Hmm, welcome.. Jaymee..” sabi ni Jam.
“Yeah, right. Welcome.”
No, I can’t do this anymore. Pakiramdam ko ay sasabog na ako anytime. I definitely need to go somewhere first to let my emotions out dahil sobrang bigat na ng nararamdaman ko. This is so much for me to handle.
I stood up, and that made everyone look at me.
“Is something wrong, babe?”
Something is definitely wrong.
“No, nothing. I just need to go to the bathroom, can I ask for directions?”
Hyze somehow looked like he was worried about me but I gave him a reassuring look that I am okay.
“Oh, pagkapasok mo diyan sa pinto, walk straight at pagkatapos noon kapag umabot ka na sa end, go right, tapos left, and then you will see it na.” Tumayo siya. “You want me to lead you the way babe, hmm?”
“No, no babe. You guys continue the fun, babalik rin ako kaagad.”
Tumango naman si Hyze. Noong una ay normal lang ang bilis ng bawat hakbang na ginagawa ko, pero noong di na nila ako nakikita, binilisan ko ang paglakad.
Pakiramdam ko, anytime, babagsak na talaga ang mga luha sa mata ko na kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Kanina pa masama ang pakiramdam ko. There is something heavy inside me. Alam ko kung bakit at kung ano ang pinanggagalingan nito, pero ayokong aminin sa sarili ko na iyon talaga ang dahilan.
The moment na nakita ko ang bathroom/powder room, kaagad akong pumasok at isinarado ko kaagad ang pinto. Tears started to flow at tila ba ayaw akong tigilan dahil kahit anong pigil ko ay hindi gumagana. Why does it has to be now? Hmm? Just... why?
All the years that I promised myself that I won’t cry again because of him feels like a joke right now to me. All the days that I almost couldn’t get up because of him is now flashing in my memory again.
I managed to get inside the powder room nang hindi tumutulo ang luha ko dahil baka may CCTV ang villa na ‘to at makita pa nila pati ang wala sa lugar kong pag iyak. The moment na ako nalang mag isa at wala nang iba pang nakakakita, lahat ng sakit na akala kong nakalimutan ko na ay bumalik na naman isa isa.
This is the aftermath of having a good memory. Pati yung mga bagay na pinipilit mong kalimutan ay kusa mong maaalala kahit na ayaw mo. They will come back on their own, even on the most unexpected time.
“Jay, pagod na’ko. Itigil na natin ‘to.”
How foolish I am...