I was stiffly walking back and forth when he held my arm. I glanced at him and he automatically removed his touch.
"Anong meron? Why do you look scared?"
Instead of answering his question, I remained quiet.
I don't want to talk about it.
Besides he doesn't need to know it.
To trust people around me... is still hard because once you trust them with your everything they'll just leave you hanging and then you're there being afraid of what will happen next.
Are they going to hate me? Will they push me away? Are they angry at me? Do they despise me? Did I do anything wrong?
Things like that will go on and on like forever.
Afraid of being pushed away, afraid of trusting, and afraid of being yourself are the results of betraying.
But hey...
If you want to stay like that... it is your own choice. If you won't climb up with your own strength, nothing will happen. You will just stay the same. You will never be strong enough to fight those things back, oh but.
I'm not sure if I can say these... for someone who's afraid to try... this makes no sense.
"You can tell me if you're all ready. I'm not pushing you to say it right now but I want to know... and I'm going to know it after you've given me your trust."
They are raw words coming from him. I don't know what's wrong with me but after he smiled... it makes such a difference like I found someone who I can trust.
"Eh? Let's see that then."
Trusting someone means giving yourself to them. Not literally but mentally.
"Sure."
To be honest means telling what you want without thinking hard if someone will hate you, if someone will talk about you, and if someone will make rumors about you.
That's why people change... they don't change so that someone will like them... they change so that they won't be despised immorally by the people surrounding them.
Before, I was loved by everyone... I always get the attention of everyone... they always look for me and I felt happy about that but after those things happened... before I knew it I was already outcasted.
They won't talk to me anymore like I'm such a thing that's already useless. Garbage.
-
"Eh? Is that really true? She's disgusting!" Their eyes were looking at only one direction and I'm not wrong that they're looking at me. "I heard it from my Mom! Hey, we need to... Ah, she's looking here!"
They immediately looked away from me. I held my head up from being rested at my table. "Don't worry about it, Marie. Don't listen to them."
"But I'm not."
"You are."
"I'm not."
"You are."
We looked at each other and laughed together.
Where did Akan go? She told me she was only using the bathroom for a second but why hasn't she come back? I tried going to the bathroom and I wish I didn't because it feels so... difficult.
"Hey, Akan. Why do you keep hanging around with Marie? You know what happened right?" I heard a smirk and without a mistake I knew that Akan did it.
"Hey, alam niyo bang mayaman sila? And for sure if I hang out with her I'll get good things since her parents are very thankful that she has me as a friend. Geh, friend, huh? Why are you so concerned about it too?"
"Huh, that's the reason? I thought you're attached to her. Baka kasi madamay ka sa pagiging outcast. Good thing, you're one of our allies."
"Hmm."
"Hey." I felt the light pat Akan gave me. "Why?" I asked trying to pretend I didn't hear what they just talked about. I don't want to make things complicated. As long as there's someone beside me... then it's already okay.
"Want to go home together?"
"Sure."
-
After that day I told my parents that I don't want to go to school anymore because it's hard to interact with others after what happened.
Not only with the boys but also with the girls too. It's hard to approach them especially when I know that they're talking and spreading rumors about me.
Friends? Trust? Honesty?
How lame...
I kicked the swing and sighed all over again. I'm all bored here. I want to go to school but I do not want to.
The city is boring too, huh.
"Hey, Oceana."
"Tsk! Don't call me like that. My name is Marie." He rolled his eyes in front of me.
"Ang arte mo naman. May nakita akong magandang tambayan, it looks like a paradise. Pupunta ako roon ngayon. Wanna come?" I looked at him weirdly. Asking me out already?
"Uh, I guess it's fine dahil ang boring dito. But are you sure that's legit?"
Kinamot niya ang ulo niya. "Sure na sure ako! Ang kulit mo naman!" Hinila niya ang braso ko at hinila ko naman paalis. "Ah, I'm sorry. You don't want to be touched right?"
I touched the part where he held me. It was warm.
"Hindi pa kasi ako nagpapaalam eh. Baka magalit sila." He laughed and flashed a smile.
"You're living your life like that? How uncool!" Naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng aking mukha. Paano niya nasabi 'yon?
Uncool? Siya nga itong parang batang kumilos eh.
Hinila niya ako and I was very shocked after we finally reached our destination.
It's really a paradise. Little waterfalls, big rocks, and caves.
Paano mayroon nito rito?
So beautiful!
He suddenly held my hand that I wasn't able to react quickly. "Let's go?"
And before I knew it I was already in the water— smiling at him with all my heart.
His laugh's loud as ever. His smile never changes. Umaabot pa rin sa mga mata niya. Ngayon ko lang napansin that he has an attractive face.
"Hey, how did you found this place? I mean this is a city..." He scratched the back of his neck.
"Nakita... more on nadaanan ko noon. I accidentally saw this and was amazed how peaceful this place is. I like quiet places kahit madaming nagsasabing maingay ako at extrovert but I think we all have things that we don't want others to know."
Yeah, that's right. I eyed the whole place. Parang isang sikretong hideout. Parang isang sikreto sa pagitan lamang namin.
The air is fresh that's why I find it amusing knowing that this is a city. The city is full of pollution but this time... learning about this place parang hindi ganoon.
Napakasariwa ng hangin. Malakas ang paghampas ng hangin at tila hihina na para bang bumubulong sa'yo. Maririnig mo ang mga huni ng ibon sa paligid.
I hope that all things are peaceful. I hope that the world will never fall apart so it won't drag me down.
"Mahilig ako sa giniling na baboy, ikaw?"
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa utak niya. It feels like he's saying the first thing he came up with. He's not afraid to be thought of weirdly.
"Mahilig ako sa adobo."
"I like it too! Especially the sweet one."
"I prefer the spicy one, though."
"I like candies better than bubble gums."
"I like the bubble gums better. It's soft."
"I like playing video games."
"Ah, I haven't really played one before. I like drawing before I go to sleep."
"Really? Mahilig din akong mag-drawing. I want to be an architect in the future."
"Wow, you have a nice dream."
"It's not a dream though. It's a goal." He smirked at me.
"Hey, are you... an only child?" I asked.
"Huh?" Mukha siyang nagulat sa tinanong ko. It's like he never expected me to ask about him.
"Since you already know my parents... care to tell what your family is like?"
He looked afar na para bang ayaw niyang makita ko ang mukha niya habang nagsasalita.
"I have three siblings. I am the third child of my parents. My mom always go out of the country. My dad is a government servant. I'm the second youngest. Our youngest is Kienth."
Through talking like this I've gathered a lot of information that I think I wouldn't have known if I'll just stare at him for the whole day.
"You must be very happy." I whispered in the air. Hindi ko inaasahan na sa paglingon ko ay makikita ko siyang nakatingin saaking mga mata.
"If only..." I creased my forehead.
Ano raw? I didn't quite understand what he meant.
Napatingin ako sakanya nang humiga siya at tumingala sa langit. "You're so mysterious."
I pressed my lips because I don't want to argue with him on whatever he says.
"You know what ..." I looked ahead. I don't think I can see his face right now dahil baka mahulaan niya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. "You...are so precious that if I touch you ... you'll definitely break."
Is he actually praising me or bullying me? Which of the two?
"Something must've happened to you right?" I stiffened to his question. I don't know very well how to respond to these kind of things. "But I won't stick my nose because I'm still not allowed to. I'm sure that I'll be going to get your permission first."
"Thank you."
That's the only thing I could say.
A mere thank you.
Naramdaman ko na lang ang bigat ng hininga niya. I glanced at him to only find that he is sleeping already na parang bang matagal nang muli syang nakatulog nang mahimbing.
Dinaramdam ko lamang ang hangin. The sky is so blue and clear right now. Ngayon ko lang ito nakita na tila ba nagliliwanag ito para saakin at sakanya. Para kaming nabubuhay sa ibang lugar. Yung kami lang at wala ng makikialam but I doubt that.
The world is too wide to be simple like that. Sa isang araw, all good things may happen. At kapag matutulog na tayo, magigising tayo sa katotohanan na hindi pala mananatiling kasiyahan na lang ang nararamdaman. There are always consequences. Everything will turn down when it's on going well.
Laging may hihila saatin. Kapag may tumataas, may bababa. It's a domino effect. Walang gustong masisi sa mga nagaganap but we can't say sorry if we blame someone because we're enveloped by hatred.
And... if life were easy like that then those things won't happen to me. I don't think I deserve that kind of treatment.
There will be a lot of time na parang sinasakal ako at patuloy na nilulublob sa ilalim ng malawak na dagat. Sa dagat na asul na asul na tila ba may hiwaga sa ilalim nito ngunit kahit pa gaano kaganda, hinding-hindi mapapalitan ang sakit tuwing ang katawan ay pilit na itinatapon sa ilalim.
Wanting you to disappear in an instance.
An ocean is a good choice though dahil kapag naitapon ka ay malayong matatagpuan ka. Kung matatagpuan ka man, siguradong wala ng makakakilala sa'yo.
I've been there a lot of time; dadating sa point na hindi na ako nakikilala because my appearance changed or improved. They only know the small details, not the big one. The small detail is the physical things. The big one is how we act, who we really are inside. I don't think people have found a way to swim deeper into someone's thought.
They only know the facade.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na kaming nandito. When he woke up, the sky already turned to orange-pinkish.
Minadali niya ang pagtiklop sa tela na ginamit niya para makatulog nang matiwasay. He grabbed my hand and started walking off. Halos matapilok na ako sa paghila niya. He's urging me to walk fastly. Para siyang may hinahabol. Ayaw niyang magpahuli.
Nakita ko siyang tumingin sa araw na malapit ng magtago sa likod ng mga ulap na handa ng palitan ng buwan para sa bagong liwanag. Sa sobrang bilis ng kanyang paghakbang ay natalisod ako sa ugat ng mga puno. I heard him curse softly.
"Fuck, I'm sorry." Nakita ko ang pagpikit ng mg mata na tila ba ay frustrated dahil sa nakikita. Nilabas niya sa bag ang isang sa tingin ko ay first aid kit.
"I'm fine. Maliit na sugat lang 'yan." Pilit kong winawaksi ang kanyang kamay ngunit hindi ko na siya napigilan ng sinimulan niyang gamutin ang munti kong sugat.
"I'm sorry..." ulit niya pa.
"It's okay." Patuloy kaming naglakbay at parati pa rin siyang sumusulyap sa langit.
The orange-pinkish sky is no longer to be found at this moment. The only thing we can see is the pitch-black sky with the shining full moon.
"I'm sorry. Hindi ko talaga sinasadya. I was chasing for the time dahil sa tingin ko ay aabutin tayo nang matagal sa pagbalik. It is easier to get here than to go back where we came from."
Kaya pala siya palagiang nakatingin sa langit. He's checking if it is already night time.
"It's quite dangerous here. Lalo na pag gabi."
I shivered at the thought that something might happen dahil tuwing nandito ako ay laging may mangyayaring masama.
"Are you scared of the dark?" Hindi agad ako nakasagot.
"M-medyo? I'm more afraid of being judge though." Tinignan ko ang kanyang mata. Parang sinisisid niya ang kaibuturan ng aking pagkatao. I'm sure he wants to know something but just kept his mouth shut off. "Let's hurry back home before it gets late."
Hawak-hawak ang isang kamay ko ay nagpatuloy kaming naglakad. "Do you come here often?"
"Nope, this is my second time."
Napaisip ako bigla. Sino kaya ang kasama niya no'ng first time niya? Is it a girl? Is it someone important to him? Teka, why am I so curious about these things? I glanced at his face. He looks so good, I doubt that he is still single. No person would slip him off like that. I think na habulin siya ng mga babae. One look at him can surely make your heart beat so fast o saakin lang 'yon?
Sa tingin ko ay umabot na ng thirty minutes pero naglalakad pa rin kami. Nararamdaman ko na rin ang malamig na simoy ng hangin na nagpapalipad ng magaslaw sa mga hibla ng aking mahabang buhok. I suddenly chilled out.
Ngayon ko lamang ulit naramdaman ang ganitong lamig ever since we went here in Manila. Sa probinsya, the place where we are before we moved here, was definitely cold especially at night time and I didn't think that it will also be the same here.
-
"T-tulong! Help! Get me out of here!"
-
"Marie?" Parang biglang may kumalabit saakin at nagising ako sa katotohanan. He was looking at me with his worried face. "Are you okay?" Umiwas ako ng tingin because he will surely look into my eyes and will immediately know what I am feeling right now.
"Yes."
"Really? You stopped walking. Maybe, you're already tired?"
"No, I-I just remembered something." Hindi agad siya nakaimik like he's fighting an internal battle.
"Ah, I see." He held my hand tightly and look ahead. "Let's double up our pace from here on."