Akiro's POV
I still see some lights coming from the sun before it sets. Malabo ang mundo ko at tanging itim at puti lamang ang nasa paligid ko. I’m not colorblind but my life is.
Huling tingin ko sa oras kanina mga alas-tres na ng pasado. Maybe I still wait a bit, wait for it to rain.
Gusto kong umulan na ngayon. For the last time, I want it to rain, if it's raining I feel like I'm not alone. Baka may dumamay rin sa akin pero kailangan ko ba nun? Baka kasi hindi lang ako ang nakakaramdam ng ganitong bigat. Parang nakikisabay ang langit sa pighati ko – sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na lungkot at sakit ngayon na nagpapahirap sa akin. Matagal-tagal na rin at hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ako nakaramdam ng saya.
I just want this to end. At kung magpapatuloy pa 'to, lalo lang lala ang sitwasyon. I already started to feel nothing and I couldn't see any reason for me to continue.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
This is how it ends.
I'm going to set myself free from everything... from everyone.
I can see the world up here. I can feel the wind touch my skin; it can pass through my clothes and make me shiver for a while. Even in a second, the wind doesn't stop blowing and it spontaneously blows like it's never tired.
No. It's never because it doesn't have feelings like us. That is how it functions. It is just doing its job to give us air... for us to suck in air and live. But it suffocates me. It makes it even more difficult to breathe.
Hindi na 'yon sapat para buhayin ako. Everytime na humihinga ako ay mas lalo akong nahihirapang harapin ang bukas.
Ano bang silbi ko dito? Ang magdusa ba?
I looked up again at the sky. It was beautiful yet frustrates me. Mukhang hindi na ata uulan. But it's hard to deny that it's indeed beautiful and peaceful. Before, every time I looked to behold the beauty of the sky, it always gave me calmness and peace of mind. However, up to this moment, I feel nothing... just empty.
Normal bang makaramdam ng ganito? Normal bang wala kang maramdaman na kahit ano?
May makakapagsabi ba kung anong kahulugan ng salitang buhay? Anong pakiramdam ng mabuhay?
I frustratingly sigh. Unti-unting lumiliwanag ang kalangitan na tila nagbubukas ito para sa akin. Its welcoming me. Funny, right?
Totoo nga ata 'yong sinasabi nila na gigising ka na lang isang araw na biglang iba na ang nararamdaman mo. Mukhang ganoon nga ang nangyari sa'kin. Paggising ko nawala lahat ng nararamdaman ko.
I just want to disappear. That's what I wanted now.
Namanhid na ako. Naubusan na ako ng pag-asa.
No one can ever understand me; no one. I thought they could or even at least try to understand me but they didn't. Now, I'm going to do what I want. Is it really what I wanted?
I smiled like I am losing my sanity. I am definitely sure that they didn't even understand why I do this even just a bit. How lucky of me. Wala namang nagtatanong ngayong buhay pa ako paano pa kaya kung wala na ako.
I am a mere human.
A dirty creature.
I always keep my mouth shut because I thought that it makes me at peace but again, I was wrong. It became worse. I remained sedate and did not do anything bad despite shits happening in my life. But the worse became worst and I become a murderer of myself... this time.
I slowly killing myself from continuing hurting myself and thinking that I could still fight to this life of mine which is really impossible for survival. Akala ko kahit makatakas lang pero dahil doon mas lalo ko lang binigo ang sarili ko.
And this heart of mine...
"Huh!" malakas kong buntong-hininga.
I put my earphone on and listen to the piano music I always love listening to. Kaya kong makinig doon ng paulit-ulit.
I smiled when it started to play.
This place became my escape when I always tried to separate myself from others. Luckily, the guard became my friend and finally decided to let me in whenever I want. He made one condition, I shouldn't ever do something stupid. But today, I am going to break that one condition and I started to pity him because he might be going to lose his job because of me. But it didn't affect my urge to vanish like vapor and I am finally freeing myself from this fucking world.
I got curious about what's going to happen after I do this? Naisip ko ito para sa sarili ko hindi sa ibang tao. Aside from being dead; how other people think doesn't concern me anymore. Nasa isip ko lang ngayon na kapag nawala na ako, matatapos na rin ang problema ko. But there's one person that came to my mind and it breaks my heart as I imagine his face.
My younger brother... I hope you're fine without me. But I promise to guide you wherever I am after this. Hindi ko siya iiwan at ako ang magiging gabay niya para hindi matulad sa akin.
I took a step closer and held the railings tightly. I can't help but smile as the tears flow in my eyes. Heaven might be going to punish me because of this. They might not open the gate for me or even glimpse it; I am straight down to hell. But isn't this life of mine already hell? Of course, it is. That's why I'm turning my back and leaving everything behind.
I'm freaking sick of everything.
Fvck life! I laughed for the last time but the tears keeps on pouring – it wouldn't stop from falling. Ang hinihiling ko ay ang umulan hindi ang tumulo ang luha ko. I'm insane. Umiiyak ako pero wala akong maramdaman. Kahit sa huling sandali ko hindi man lang ako mapagbigyan.
Even though the sun is up and covered by some clouds, and the whole place is a bit bright, still, I couldn't see any light that can save me from this hell.
Tila hindi na uulan pa at hindi ko na rin kayang maghintay pa.
Umapak ako sa isang box na nakatambak dito sabay tungtong sa may harang na bato na walang railings. Tulad ko, nakatambak madaming mga bagay na hindi na ginagamit dito kasi wala na itong pakinabang. Kaya bagay talaga ako sa lugar na 'to. This place is an old warehouse where they store useless things. Where I belong.
I stood there until dawn came. The darkness rises as the light slowly diminishes. Perfect timing for me, the scenery that I wanted to see. I faced the world but it's different today; I slowly turned my back and readied myself to fall.
Then...
I wore a smile on my face before I decided to fall.
Just a quick glimpse, my eyes widened as I saw someone floating, looking at me with a disappointing face. Like he was saying without a word that I made a wrong decision... or does he pity me? Is that person here to save me?
Hindi. Kung balak niya ako iligtas dapat kanina dahil mukhang kanina pa din niya ako pinapanood.
What the heck is that person floating?! Pero hindi ko na dapat isipin pa 'yon. Si Kamatayan na ata 'yon.
I closed my eyes and I put a smile on my face for the last time of my life.
Please don't save me.
Save me...
"Akiro!!!"
Someone yelled my name. I am sure that it wasn't from above or from someone I saw earlier. That unfamiliar voice came from somewhere below, maybe an angel calling for my name, trying to save me as I guess. But that was the lamest I've ever thought of.
Pinanatili ko lang ang pagpikit ng mata ko. Wala na rin naman akong lakas para imulat ito. Nanatili ang ngiti sa labi ko at biglang naalala ang buhay na meron ako.
Maybe I was seeing things earlier and hearing someone calling my name because I am very near to death. I just keep smiling as my eyes closed. It was too late for that; I don't need that anymore.
Because I was already at a dead-end...