After a week full of activities, I was able to relax at home during the weekends. Nakapagsulat ako at nakaramdam ng saya. Something that I haven't felt for so long. Glad that I discover writing and it felt like a new start. Like I was reborn.
"Are you that happy? Kanina ka pa nakangiti!" Clover nudged me on my elbow. Nilabas nito ang tupperware sa lunch box niya na nilalaman ng tuna sandwich. Ako naman ay may dalang isang box ng Hawaiian pizza at bottle ng cola. Bumili rin ako ng ice-cream, siya naman ay may dala pang fries at chicken salad. 
"Ang healthy naman ng kakainin natin," natatawang sambit ko pa. 
She shrugged her shoulder. "Kailan ba tayo kumain ng healthy? Never." Nagkatinginan kami at natawa.
I looked at the distance and watch the sunset slowly fade away onto the sky while Clover is busy styling the food. For sure ay kukuhanan niya ito ng litrato bago kami makakain. The hue of green and blue are starting to fade from the sky which is the reason why we are here, to watch the sunset. I took out my phone and capture the sky. I also took of stolen shots of Clover.
We're currently at the Montena River, sitting at the trimmed grass and waiting for the day to end. May iba pa kaming mga kasama rito na naisipang gamitin ang kanilang araw upang manatili sa river side. Some were doing yoga, riding a bicycle, reading books, and just sitting there wondering about life or what tomorrow will be. Everyone's having the time of their lives. Kaunti lang ang gumagamit ng gadget, most are students who are probably doing their homework. Kids are running around freely and cheerfully. Even cats and dogs are having the time of their lives.
"Nakikita mo ba ang sarili mo in the future, Clover?" I asked out of the blue that made her forehead furrowed. Natawa ito, ngunit nang mapagtanto na seryoso ako, sumeryoso rin siya. "Malabo pa sa 'kin ang lahat." Nu'ng una, akala ko thinking about the future is pathetic. Worrying over something that we aren't sure of is ridiculous. Making predictions are unnecessary because we're not even sure of what will really happen. Thinking of the future can be like standing on the edge of a cliff, where the possibilities are endless but the fear of falling is real.
Pero ngayon nakikita ko na kung bakit nag-aalala ang iba sa hinaharap...
They feel less of themselves and its never pathetic and never ridiculous. Dahil hindi naman predictable ang pangyayari, it made everyone worried of what might happen and what might they become. That's because future is a blank canvas. It's blank for a reason, as it awaits for us to paint our dreams and aspirations upon it.
The happiness I felt just minutes ago sank under my breathe as I let go a long, deep sigh.
"Loka!" Napalakas ang pagsiko ni Clover sa 'kin. Muntik ko na itong bawian but her answer halted me. "May gumugulo lang sa isipan mo kaya nasasabi mong malabo pa ang lahat sa 'yo. You're still living in your past."
That hit me like a heavy storm.
Every time I try to think of the peace I want to have in my future, the ghosts of my past grief still haunts me, whispering painful memories that bring chaos to my mind and turmoil to my soul. I don't know how to run away with it. As of now, I'm trying to set it aside in order to make myself happy. Am I happy?
Nevertheless, my best friend is right. Kahit pa nagmumukha siyang ignorante sa maraming bagay, her words will always comes out right and on point. Totoong may gumugulo sa isip ko, hindi nga lang isa, kundi limpak-limpak. Which is the reason I don't see myself in any years from now.
I scoffed. "What?" She looked away. "I'm not sure of my future as well. Pero gaya nga ng lagi mong ibinubuntong sa akin; today matters, not yesterday, nor tomorrow," she recited in her usual soft voice and warmly smiled at me.
Nagtama ang paningin namin at natawa sa isa't-isa. She always remember what I say.
"Kain na nga tayo!" We watch the sunset and eat our food at the same time. Pinagmamasdan din namin ang mga tao sa paligid. I often watch the kids as they play on the grass. The envy I felt and the wishful thinking of going back to being a kid where genuine happiness can be found.
Mag-a-alas sinco na nang umalis kami ni Clover sa Montena River. We were laughing as we recall of memories from our high school days as we walk home. Hindi nga namin namalayan na nasa tapat na pala kami ng bahay.
"Ayoko pa umuwi!" usal ko pa, parang batang nagre-reklamo.
Pareho kaming natigil nang may marinig na sigaw mula sa loob ng bahay. Suddenly, the excitement wear off.
"Nag-aaway na naman ba sila?" Clover asked, may pag-aalala sa kaniyang mga mata habang nakatingin sa akin. Alam niyang kapag may away na nagaganap sa bahay, kahit maliit pa ay ikinababahala ko na.
I shook my head. "They're probably just having a normal talk. Umuwi ka na, I'll see you tomorrow." Left with no choice, I push Clover and with worry, she walks away after giving me a goodbye-wave. Pinanood ko itong maglakad palayo hanggang sa lumiko ito ng daan at tuluyang nawala sa aking paningin. I took a deep breath before entering the house. It's like leaving the happiness out the door and face the cruel reality of my life.
"AH! Akala mo siguro ok ang lahat noong nagpadala ka ng pera?!" I stood frozen in front of the door after I closed it. Hindi nila ako napansin at patuloy pa rin sa bangayan ang mga ito. I focused on an empty space in the air between them. "Pera lang naman ang laman ng utak mo, you always think that money can buy anything!"
"Kasalanan ko bang nagsumikap akong magtrabaho at nakalikom ng pera sa pagpapagod? Is it my fault that I am now successful and you're not? You needed help and so as father, kung kaya nagpadala ako ng tulong," mahinahon lamang ang boses ni Mama, nagpipigil rin humagulgol. It's obvious that this conversation it too painful for her. I don't know why she's still talking with her. Her tears stream down her face, while, both of my aunt's eyes were firing. "I wasn't there because I was trying to save myself---"
"Ah! Kaya pala hinayaan mong mamatay ang tatay dahil sa makasarili mong desisyon!" My aunt's voice is terribly loud, cracked and raw. Even in a natural state the sound is the same. Her tone of voice always conveys that order could prevail over chaos. She thinks she's always right when all she did is to complain meaningless gibberish. Kung kaya bata pa lang ako ay may takot na akong nararamdaman sa tuwing nakakausap siya. I don't even remember the time I initiate a conversation with her because I was so scared. Hindi naman na ako takot ngayon, but I feel irate whenever I hear her speak. "Pinili mo ang ganitong buhay. Hindi na nakapagtataka na nagdurusa ka ngayon. Gan'yan ka naman. D'yan ka magaling, ang maging makasarili! Kaya pati ang asawa mo ay namatay dahil makasarili ka!"
My aunt turn her head at me, eyes narrowed, she got a vertical wrinkle between her brow. She did't even like my presence. I stared brazenly into her eyes as pain sheeted through me with a terrible intensity. 
I almost believe that I was getting better. However, the home that I once knew as the happiest place, is now making me stand at the edge of the cliff again where the only option is to jump. I was wordless with rage after she mentioned about Dad.
"Mavis," my mother has a little girl voice that stopped just short of lisping. Right at the moment, she let her self burst out of tears and it was contagious that my eyes immediately became clouded. I look down and began picking up my pace. Nagtungo ako sa hagdan at nagmadaling umakyat. I locked the door behind me and jump off the bed.
I can still hear them shouting at each other, pero mabuti at hindi na malinaw ang pinag-uusapan nila. I'm not trying to act like a brat or a disrespectful child here. I am hurt. I always am whenever they try to talk about Grandpa and Dad like it wasn't painful enough that they were gone and they still continue to fight over them.
When I was thirteen, my grandfather died, I was the only one in this house by that time. Nasaksihan ko ang paghihirap ni Lolo na siyang tumatak sa akin hanggang ngayon. I never met lola, but lolo and I had the best relationship, he was my first best friend which is why I am really broken-hearted. Wala si Mama no'n sapagkat nasa states ito, si Aunt Zhyn, she was there ngunit huli na nang makarating siya. She was busy impressing her friends that she came too late to even said goodbye to her own father.
I kept calling both of them that day, hoping they'd come or at least one of them would help me help Lolo. But they never arrived. If they had arrived, we could have saved Lolo.
My father experienced the same thing. My father requires medication, but my mother ignored his words as if having the illness was no big deal. He thought father was joking and that telling her lies to get her to return home was a ruse. Alam kong hindi siya uuwi kahit pa sa mga kaarawan namin, but ignoring my father's need of her company and help, is the worst of it all. Marami itong dahilan, na kahit ang kinabukasan namin ay naging excuse niya para hindi umuwi. She said it will be good for her to stay and save money.
She never attended my father's funeral. I was alone here with other of our relatives that I'm not close with. Sila pa itong umalalay kay Papa hanggang sa huling araw nito.
I first experienced sadness and loneliness at that time. I've been grieving for five years now, and the pain I felt when Lolo left me—which got worse when my father passed away, too—remains the same.
I blame my mother for everything that happened. She doesn't care until all of our loved ones have died. Kailangan pang humantong ang lahat sa gano'ng sitwasyon bago niya tuluyang mapagtanto ang kahalagahan ng mga ito.
Simula no'n, just like magic, she began to care about me. Perhaps, she just get a grip of herself.
I glance up the ceiling and wonder how my life would be if they are still here. They would probably not allow me to feel sad. Mayro'n sigurong pupunas ng luha ko at papatahanin ako sa pamamagitan ng mahigpit na yakap. It's frustrating how the world can sometimes be unfair. When you try to feel better, you'll still end up in an empty room locked and left crying your heart out, knowing no one can help you.
My phone chimed, natigil ako sa pag-iyak. I didn't bother to check, it's just probably nobody. Probably, Clover asking about how I am after she heard my mom and aunt scowling earlier. I wipe my tears and close my eyes, ready to sleep. Ngunit bago pa ako tuluyang makatulog ay tumunog muli ang cellphone ko. Ilang beses itong tumunog kung kaya ay napilitan akong silipin kung ano o sino man iyon.
A name popped up on my notification. Someone added me a friend request on Facebook. My brows drew together.
Matthew Algona. Sino naman 'to?
I stalked the profile, but there were no photos available. When I tried to look at his cover photo, a slew of old photos of three kids flashed across my screen. One caught my attention.I immediately recognized who it was. Julianna's friend, the tall guy with buzz-cut hair, was the one who kept calling her Juli.
Wow. My brows furrowed when I remembered the guy's face from a week ago without even trying. I rarely remember people I only met once, but I reckon he is an exception. It's crazy that I recall exactly how he looked the first time I saw him.
I threw my phone down beside me and closed my eyes.
Ngunit hindi nagtagal ay idinilat ko ito ulit. Bumangon ako at nagtungo sa mesa ng aking study table habang hawak ang aking cellphone. I scroll off my news feed and just the same old set-up, puro memes ang lumalabas at ang mga pages ng international bands na sinusubaybayan ko.
I tried to watch some music videos upang mapagaan ang nagbibigat kong pakiramdam, I felt at ease as I sang along to their songs. Nothing on my phone helped me to distract myself from my sadness, so I stopped and just leaned back in my chair.
Maya-maya ay tumunog na naman ang aking phone. Another notification. This time it wasn't from Facebook, galing na sa Messenger. I thought it was Clover dahil naka-hide ang message at name mula sa aking notification, but when I entered the app, I was surprised to see someone else. Sa Matthew na iyon nagmula ang mensahe.
"Matalino ka ba?" usal nito mula sa mensahe.I tapped my finger against the table. It's the same question he kept asking me since the first time I met him. What is the point of this? Is he making fun of me?
"Hindi," I replied. Agad niya itong nakita, ilang segundo at typing na agad siya. I raised a brow.
"Hindi nga?"
"Hindi nga!" I can't even hide my emotion even on chat.
"Pero nakakuha ka ng mataas na score sa accounting, mahirap 'yon ah."
My eyes narrowed on his respond. Ikinwento ba sa kaniya ni Julianna iyon? He wasn't there when Julianna mentioned that to me.
"T'yamba lang 'yon."
"Hindi ako naniniwala sa gan'yan, kahit kailan hindi ako naka-t'yamba sa math. Fake news 'yan!"
I scoffed. May saltik ba 'tong taong 'to?
"Baka malas ka lang talaga! HAHAHAHA!" I replied and laughed. Mocking him in return.
"Teka, bakit ang daldal ko, sabi ko chill lang ako eh! Take two!" This time, totoo na ang naging tawa ko. He's interesting.
"Ay grabe siya. Pero matalino ka talaga eh," usal ulit nito. When will he stop?
"Hindi nga, mukha lang."
My day didn't end gloomy this time like how it almost did. Nanatili kaming magka-usap hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan ang oras. I was surprised how funny Matthew is. He's effortless joke made me giggle like a child who was tickled. As night gets deeper, his character became more interesting.
If it wasn't for him, baka magdamag akong down. It wasn't bad to receive an uninvited guest after all.