Hurt
Nakakapanghina ang mariing titig niya sa akin. Para akong binabasa hanggang sa kaibuturan ko na siyang lalong nakakapanghina sa akin. His stares is so deep that I just want to disappear, right now.
"Dan, I'm tired. Can we just go to my room? I want to sleep now." with matching hikab para maniwala siya.
Pero napalala ko lang ata ang lahat. Imbes na ayain na niya ako sa kwarto mas lalo siyang sumiksik sa akin sanhi para maipit na ako ng katawan niya at ng pintuan.
I put my hands on his chest to stop him from coming more. The space between us has now gone. Skin to skin, I feel like suffocating.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay kong nakalapat sa dibdib niya. My hands looks so small with his broad chest. Ngunit agad niyang pinihit ang baba ko pataas at para makasalubong ko muli ang titig niyang mabagsik.
"What are you doing to me, Zan?" he growl with a low voice that makes me shivers down my spine. His breath blows right through my face and I can smell the mixed of liquor and mint.
I didn't notice he was drunk. He looks fine though, maybe he only drink a few shots.
"I-I'm not...ahh...I didn't d-do anything..." I almost poked my head with my struggle to speak. I looked away again, but his hands force me to look at him.
"Look at me when you're speaking and when I'm talking with you. Look. Only. At. Me!" he said emphasizing the word only and me.
Why is he so possessive all of the sudden? I got irritated and push him away from me.
The sudden irritation makes me strong that his grip was removed from me.
"And what are you doing? Why are you doing and telling me all of this?" I spat. But the sudden irritation fades away when he come back to me and hold me tightly. The fear of his sudden movement comes back at me.
"And why would I not do this with my wife, huh?" he said as if I was just a property of his intended to be used and played with.
Nanikip ang dibdib ko, "Wife only at papers. Married only at papers." hindi ko alam kung kanino ko iyon sinasabi but looks like I'm convincing myself rather than him. Like I'm making myself realize what's our actual situation is. That I'm only his wife at paper. Only in paper.
And his looks became more furious than ever before, "Then? Does that give you the right to flirt with other guy? Does it ever give you to provoke me as your husband?" his words are marked with doubtful judgment. I only got to behave for a moment for his accusations of me.
Why did he think of me like that? Did I look like one of them? That makes me furious.
"I'm not flirting with other guy, you freak! He is my friend, goodness! He even was invited on our wedding. Wait... Wait... Are you? Are you jeolous, boy?" I suddenly realize his actions, and deep inside me hope it was true. Because why would he be mad with someone I'm with? Of course, he's acting like this because he's jealous! D*mn it!
"I'm not...not jealous. I'm just worried...worried others may know we're married then you'll be cope with something so scandalous! Stop with that delusional thoughts, babae!" he spat straight away.
Then, my world stop for a second. My world stop spinning for a while to let me live with a pain that's now piercing right through my veins. Ang sakit ng bawat karayom na tumutusok sa akin ang siyang nagpahinto sa akin para maproseso ang ibang bagay.
'He only worried about himself, Zan. Stop hoping, stop assuming.' the back of my head point out what's the truth. And really, truth hurts.
It makes me come to my world and answer him, finally.
"Don't worry your ego there, I'm not a flirty b*tch who will stain her name for just a flirtatious belief of your. Don't worry, wala akong gagawing ikaka eskandalo mo sa hinaharap." my final mark before I take off his grip and march my way towards my room.
Akala ko pipigilan niya ako and that he will explain something when he grab my wrist.
But only to let go of it.
Kaya naman pagdating ko sa kwarto ko hindi ko na ini-lock ang pintuan pero sinara ko ito. Agad agad din akong pumasok sa banyo ko at nagtanggal agad ng damit. In-on ko ang shower at agad tumapat dito.
Then it all hit me.
I'm hurting. I'm hurting because I thought he somehow jealous about the thought of me having a date with someone but he's only worried for himself. Am I too much for exaggerating things? Am I too much for concluding things?
Tears constantly flow from my eyes when I realized something.
I'm in love with him. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong mahulog tulad ng inaasahan ko. At ang masakit pa dito'y nahulog ako sa taong hindi masusuklian ang nararamdaman ko.