I am leaning against the wall while waiting for her, patiently. She should be here but until now she is still not here. Will she be late? I closed my eyes because I don't want to open it. My anxiety is starting to kick in, so I unsubconsciously fixed my glasses.
      "Wala pa rin ba si Nefeltri?" I heard Miss de Leon asked one of her student.
Right at this moment, I know that my anxiety about the situation was causing me to be unable to think properly. She won't left me hanging, I know. Or I am just thinking that to lessen my anxiety, fear and nervousness that I feel right now. Damn that woman. Nanatiling nakapikit pa rin ako kahit ramdam ko na ang kaba sa dibdib ko. She's coming, I trust her.
       "It is very amusing to see you are still calm, Zeigler." I heard a female voice in front of me.
I opened my eyes to look at the person in front of me even though I already knew who was it. I put both my hands in my pants pocket. "I am always calm, Miss." I lied.
Maybe I've learned to hide my anxiety better, because she didn't even notice how nervous I am right now. This anxiety is slowly killing me, every second, every minute until it's been over an hour waiting for her presence.
I'm not really fond of showing myself in the crowd because from my childhood until now, I have not liked to socialized with people. I just don't want to attached at them because I'm scared to left behind again, like what my mother did to me when I was young. And because of that, my father's resentment against my mother was heaped on me.
      "Well, that's sounds like you." She grinned but then I can sense something on her, she's tensed. "But I hope she won't disappoint me."
      "She won't." She won't, will she?
      "I know, because if she didn't come I know she had a valid reason." Miss de Leon says. She really trusted her, and so am I. "If that happens, she will call or text me."
      "Maybe she was just late, Miss." I replied.
She tapped my shoulder and smiled a little. "Okay, be ready. Ikaw na ang susunod."
Tumango ako sa kanya pero nanatiling nakasandal sa pader. Ilang minuto nalang at matatapos na ang performance ng nauna sa amin. The nervousness still lingered in my chest. I clenched my fists tightly.
      "Scheherazade, where are you?" I whispered into the air hoping she would hear it.
Narinig ko na ang sigawan, hiyawan at palakpakan ng mga tao dahil alam kong tapos ng mag-perform ang mga kasama ko. Inaasahan kong makakaabot siya, but I don't see any Scheherazade here to accompany me in the stage. And once again, I unsubconscious fixed my glasses.
She disappointed me.
I can't think properly. Hindi ako sanay sa ganito. I don't know what to do. Should I run away? Fuck, I'm not a coward. I was still leaning against the wall and kept my eyes closed. Ramdam ko ang pawis sa noo ko and even in the palm of my hand.
This time, I have no choice but to perform in front of so many people alone. Hindi ako pwedeng umatras dahil lang iniwan ako sa ere ng ka-partner ko. I have still my pride and dignity in myself. I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and stood up straight. I also wiped the sweat off my forehead. And there was a woman wearing her stoic face walking towards me. She's in a bad mood right now and I already know why.
      "Miss.." I greeted her.
     "Still calm, I see." I could feel the cold in her voice. She's really upset. "I can't believe it! She left us hanging. Alam niyang inaasahan ko siya pero hindi siya dumating. She didn't even call or text me that she couldn't come, edi sana nakapag-isip ako ng plan B or another option."
I can feel the disappointment in Miss de Leon's voice. Hindi naman ito gawain ni Scheherazade so maybe something came up. Who knows?
      "Miss de Leon, should I--"
Before I could finish what I was going to say, someone cut me off. I already heard my name from the emcee and also Scheherazade's name. Maraming napahiyaw dahil narinig nila ang pangalan ni Scheherazade. I felt a cold hand grip my arm. Bumaling ang tingin ko kay Miss de Leon na na-t-tensed sa nangyayari. And then she looked at me with concern on her face.
      "We have no choice, Zeigler. You need to go there and perform. Just sing the song alone, and I know you can do it. Please, do it for me. I don’t want to ruin what we’ve worked so hard for a few weeks. I trust you."
After she said that, it is my cue to walk onto the stage. I was standing in front of a crowd and they were all staring at me. I could feel their gaze on me, watching my every move and seems to be waiting for me to make a mistake.
Damn it!
Can I do it without making a mistake? This is the first thing I have to do in front of a lot of people. Bakit ko nga ba ito ginagawa? I can just leave and not continue it, pero bakit ako nandito? To pleased these people in front of me?
Napalingon ako sa likuran ko nang may tumawag sa akin. Nakita ko ang isa sa mga kasamahan ko na may tinutulak na piano papunta sa akin. The nervousness I felt suddenly disappeared at the sight of the piano. When the piano was in front of me, I held it with so much care, afraid that I might scratch it. This is what I need, a peace of mind.
      "Goodluck, Zeigler." He said and I just nod as a response before he left in front of me.
Umupo ako, huminga ng malalim at nagsimulang tumipa. Mabagal pa ang ginawa ko para sa intro bago ko inumpisahan ang totoong piyesa ng kanta at kumanta.
Tell me somethin', girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Are you? Because I am not.
Or do you need more?
Can I say yes? Can I be greedy sometimes? Because I just need more time. Can the world give me what I want? Will the world can give me the time I ask for, so that I can be with the people I love for a long time?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?
I'm searching for something in myself because there seems to be something missing from me. Something that I longed for, but I don't even get it.
I'm fallin'
In all the good times I find myself longin' for change
And in the bad times, I fear myself
I closed my eyes, she should be the singer in this part. Pero ako ang gagawa dahil wala siya, hindi siya dumating. Why Scheherazade?
Bago pa bumaka ang bibig ko ay may narinig akong kumanta sa part na 'yun. Mabilis kong binuksan ang mga mata ko para makita ang taong naglakas loob na samahan ako rito. Pero hindi ko inaasahan na ang taong kinasusuklaman ko ang nasa harapan ko ngayon. She's saving me from the embarrassment that would happen to me. And I don’t know why she did it. Maybe she think that I can forgive and accept her.
Tell me something, boy
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keepin' it so hardcore?
As she said those words, she looked at me with sadness in her eyes and then, she looked away.
I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself longing... for change
And in the bad times, I fear myself
Hindi ko na siya tiningnan pa at sa piano ko nalang tinuon ang pansin ko. I don’t want to look at her, especially when I see a mixed emotions in her eyes that I don’t want to see from her.
I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now
Why does she seem to be hurting? I can feel her resentment, but to whom? I looked up and the two of us looked at each other. Now, I can see that she resents me. But why me? I did not do anything wrong. So she has no right to have a grudge against me, because I should feel that way towards her.
In the sha-ha-sha-ha-llow
In the sha-ha-sha-la-la-la-llow
In the sha-ha-sha-ha-llow
We're far from the shallow now
Sinabayan ko siya habang nakatingin kami sa isa't isa. Narinig ko pa ang mga tilian ng mga tao na nanonood sa amin ngayon. Napaismid naman ako sa isipan ko dahil doon.
Oh, ha-ah-ah
Ah, ha-ah-ah, oh, ah
Ha-ah-ah-ah
Mas lalong nag-ingay ang mga tao dahil tumaas ang boses niya. I admit that she have a beautiful voice. She really can sing.
I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now
Sumabay ulit ako sa kanya sa pinakadulo, but I didn't look at her anymore.
In the sha-ha-sha-ha-llow
In the sha-ha-sha-la-la-la-llow
In the sha-ha-sha-ha-llow
We're far from the shallow now
When the song ended, hindi ko na hinintay pang magsalita ang emcee because I stood up and hurried out of that room. Nasisikapan ako sa isang lugar na kasama ang taong iyon. I can't afford to be with her for long in the same place.
I went straight to the back of the university, where my haven sanctuary located. When I arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief. But I didn’t expect her to follow me.
      "Why are you following me? Don't you know that this is my private place, and you're invading it." I said coldly.
      "I know."
I turned around to looked at that person with my emotionless face.
     "You know? Then why are you still here, standing?" I asked her but she didn't even looked at me. "Do you know that I can expel you from this school?"
      "Alam ko," she replied, and raised her head to looked up at me. "Pero alam kong hindi mo gagawin ang bagay na iyon."
I scoffed. "Oh. You are very confident in yourself." I looked away from her. Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan dahil kamukhang-kamukha niya ang lalaking kinamumuhian ko ng sobra. And those eyes, those pair of gray eyes. I laughed bitterly. How ironic! The color of her eyes is the same as mine.
      "Marchan?"
I angrily faced her. "I told you, don't you ever called me in that name." I half-shouts at her.
She was a little bit shocked because of that. I think, I scared her, but I don't care.
      "Can we talk?"
I frowned angrily. "Talk? I don't want to talk to you or even look at you. Just leave."
      "Kuya.." Her voice broke because she was already crying.
I scoffed at her 'tear-drops'. "Kuya? When did we become a siblings? As far as I remember, you are a stranger to me."
She looked at me with sadness in her eyes and she wiped her tears. "Stranger ba talaga tingin mo sa akin? Ganyan ka ba kagalit sa akin? Sa kapatid mo? Why are you so mad at me? Dahil anak ako ni Mommy na Mommy mo rin?"
I looked at her coldly. "You already knew the answer about that so don't ask me."
She approached me but I did not move. Naiiyak na tumingin ito sa akin. "Bakit ganyan ka? B-Bakit ako ang sinisisi mo sa naging kasalanan ng parents ko? I didn't like what happened. Kung nandun ako nu'ng time na 'yun, sana hindi ko hinayaang mangyari ang bagay na 'yun because I don't want to be a home wrecker." She half yell at me.
I massage my temple in frustration. I crossed my arms and leaned back against the trunk of a tree. I looked at her, disgustingly.
       "You don’t know how I feel," I coldly told her. "You don't know how much I suffered when she left me for your father." I'd been furious when she mentioned something that triggered me. Your father was a home wrecker. "You. Don't. Know. Anything." I told her each word one by one so she knew I was angry, enough for her to leave.
       "You're so unfair," she's starting to cry again. "Ang unfair mo, alam mo ba 'yun? Ang unfair niyong dalawa ni Mommy," my forehead creased. "Hindi mo rin alam ang nararamdaman ko! Hindi mo alam ang pakiramdam na ako ang kasa-kasama ni Mommy sa bahay araw-araw pero ikaw ang bukam-bibig niya palagi. You don't know how I feel every time I'm with her but she's searching for you. Sobrang sakit, kuya. A-Ako k-kasi..." she cried. I could feel her suffering from the pain. "Ako, ako iyong palagi niyang kasama. Ako iyong nag-aalaga sa kanya sa tuwing nagkakasakit siya. Pero bakit ikaw pa rin. Kuya, I'm also her child, I'm her daughter." Bigla siyang natawa habang umiiyak. "Pakiramdam ko tuloy, ampon lang ako. Pakiramdam ko ay sabit lang ako, kami ni Daddy kay Mommy. Pero hindi ko kayang magtanim ng galit sa kanya, at alam mo ba kuya kung ano ang pinakamasakit?" She asked me but I don't know what to say or an answer to her question. Hindi ko alam na nasasaktan din pala siya. All along, I thought I was the more pitiful of the two of us. "Iyong ipinilit niya sa akin ang mga bagay na ayaw kong gawin. I don’t want to learn piano because I want to learn how to play a guitar, pero hindi niya ako pinayagan. Ang akala ko kaya niya gusto na mag-aral ako ng piano dahil iyon ang gusto niya para sa akin, pero hindi naman pala. She wants me to learn how to play a piano because she reminds me of you," she bow her head because she's crying. "Karma siguro tawag dito? Tingin mo rin noh? Because I think I deserve this, I deserve to be treated this way. Kasalanan ko naman kaya ka nasasaktan hanggang ngayon, diba?"
      "Marsha..." Bulong ko sa pangalan niya.
She looked up at me and in spite of her obvious pain, actually smiled bitterly. "I want to hate you. I want to be angry with you, pero bakit hindi ko magawa? Hindi ko magawang magalit sa 'yo kasi umaasa ako na makikita mo rin ako bilang isang nakakabata mong kapatid balang araw. Araw-araw akong umaasa na, sana maging maayos tayo. Mahal kasi kita kuya e, kahit galit ka sa akin o kinamumuhian mo ako dahil nag-exist ako sa mundong 'to. Sorry, sorry kasi inagaw ko ang pamilya na meron ka. Sorry kasi iniwan ka ni Mommy dahil kay Daddy. Sorry kasi, nawalan ka ng ina dahil sa akin. Pero huwag kang mag-aalala kuya, I feel the same way too. Hindi ko rin naman naramdaman ang pagiging ina ni Mommy sa akin. She never mentioned me to her friends. She did not attend my school when there was a meeting or kahit graduation ko pa. Kapag birthday ko naman, minsan nakakalimutan niya. Masyado siyang focus sa 'yo, kaya hindi niya alam na nasasaktan din ako sa ginagawa niya. Na ang akala niya ay isa lang ang anak na meron siya."
       "Are you telling me this to have mercy on you?" I asked without letting her know that I felt her pain.
She madly wiped her tears. Hindi niya yata nagustuhan ang tinanong ko. "No, I'm telling this to make you understand na hindi lang ikaw ang nasasaktan sa nangyari. Na hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan sa sitwasyon nating ito, kasi ako rin ay nasasaktan dahil sa nangyari noon. Sana ma-realised mong wala akong kasalanan." Turo niya sa akin.
She turned her back on me, and was about to leave but I grab her arm and pull her into a hug. Ikinabigla niya pa ang ginawa ko pero natauhan din bago siya gumanti ng yakap. She hug me so tight, it was as if her life depended on me. I heard her cry on my shoulder as if she had only just cried in her whole life. Ang lakas kasi umiyak.
      "I'm sorry, I didn't know that you were suffering too." I apologized to her while hugging her.
She just nodded and hug me tightly. She doesn't deserve the pain, and I was so blinded by my anger for them that I didn't notice that she was hurting as well. Am I too much? Am I that heartless person?
Nanatili kaming magkayakap, she needs a comfort right now. I'm really a bad person and a brother towards her. Only now do I realize that my younger sister is not to blame for what happened. Wala siyang alam pero nagalit pa rin ako sa kanya.
I was about to let go of her embrace when we heard a noise from behind me. Marsha let go of me, and we looked at that person who's currently surprised and shocked looking at us right now. And I can't believe that the woman who is in front of me right now is the woman who left me hanging earlier.
       "Scheherazade," I called her name but she's still in her shock face. What is she doing here?