I used to be surrounded by people when I was a kid, and I was inundated with compliments. I'm told I'm a gifted kid by everyone. I was overjoyed that everyone admires me since I'm intelligent, and I've always believed that I don’t have to climb my way to the top because success will find its way to me. Isn't it humorous? I can't help but laugh now that I've thought about it. I'm not a gifted child; I just tried too hard to outperform everyone else. To make them like me, I beat everyone. My family is impoverished, and all I have is my intellect. I'm intelligent, and it's because of my intelligence that I've managed to get into this shithole.
I'm not sure I'll be able to break free. To tell you the truth, I don't have a strategy in mind. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to survive another day here. Where will I go if I do manage to escape? That is a question to which "Go home" or "Tell the cops." is not the answer. I am a murderer. I was one of the individuals responsible for the murders of my classmates. I was a part of their death, even though I wasn't the one who shot or stabbed them. I don't have someplace to go right now, to tell you the truth. Wherever I go, my conscience will trail me. I don't think I can live with their screams forever echoing in my head. Is there, however, any other choice for me?
“This is not something you will decide on your own! We are her friends, who are you to dictate us what to do with her?”
Naririnig ko ang boses ni Bea sa hindi kalayuan. Pinilit kong tumayo at imulat ang mata ko at natagpuan ko ang sarili kong nakahiga sa kama ng kwarto namin ni Bea. Hinanap ko ang pinanggagalingan ng boses at sa may pintuan ay nakita kong nakatayo si Porsche, Bea at Ken it seems like they’re discussing something but Bea and Ken don’t approve to whatever they’re talking about.
“At least I was able to protect her, can you?” ani Porsche.
“Sobrang yabang mo talaga eh ano? Alam kong ikaw ‘yong nagligtas sakanya kanina, do you want me to thank you?” sagot naman ni Ken.
I got used to Ken being mean but how can he be so mad now that he’s got his palm into a fist?
“Oh, you don’t have to thank me, I didn’t do it for you.”
I have to interrupt. Nararamdaman kong any minute now ay magsusuntukan na silang dalawa. Ken might have a lot of patience but I guess that doesn’t apply today.
“Hi?”
They all looked at me. It was Ken who went to me as fast as he can even though he still can’t walk properly.
“How are you?” tanong niya.
“I’m okay, how are you? How’s your leg?”
“You don’t have to worry about me. You slept for two days, and that’s the first thing you were concerned about?” nararamdaman ko sa boses niya ang pag-aalala. Something that I haven’t heard for so long.
“I was asleep for two days?”
“Oo, I almost went crazy, I thought… I thought…” It was Bea, she can’t get the words out of her mouth.
“I’m fine, Bea. I’m stronger than ever.”
Nginitian ko siya to assure her. I glance at the door but the other person who was standing there earlier has already left.
“Ano bang pumasok sa isip mo at handa kang isakripisyo ‘yong sarili mo para sa iba?”
Ano nga bang pumasok sa isip ko no’ng mga oras na ‘yon? Hindi ko rin maintindihan. I'm not the type of person who will put herself in harm's way for the sake of others. But I wasn't thinking at the time; it's as if something inside me was controlling me. But I realized that I was the one in power, not anything else. I deliberately put myself in that situation, and I'm perfectly aware of it.
“Bakit nga ba? Maybe because ayaw ko nang may mamatay ulit on behalf of me?”
That was true. That day still haunt me to sleep. I know that’s not my entire fault pero ‘yong makita ‘yong iba na saluhin ‘yong kapalaran ko, it makes me want to kill myself knowing damn well that I can do something about it. That I can make a change.
“That was not your fault!” Ken shouted.
“Yeah, you can say that. Pero hindi kasi ikaw ‘yong nasa sitwasyon ko. Take a step into my shoes. It was dismal and traumatic at the same time. I have this one question in my mind every hour, every minute that I am here. "What if it was I who died at that time?" It's not something you can just forget about. It's something that I have to face eventually.”
They didn’t utter a word. God knows what’s going on in their head but they need to know that. They need to realize how everything is not as easy as it looks.
“I so much wanted to escape this prison. But if we do that, we’re just putting our family’s life in danger.” ani Bea.
“We need to fight until the end.”
That’s the only choice left for us.
“I’ll go get your food you must be hungry.”
Hindi ko dapat pinaalis si Bea. Now, I’m left alone with Ken and I don’t even know what to say to him.
“I have something to tell you.” He breaks the ice between us.
“Gusto mo na akong makausap ngayon?”
Hindi niya pinansin ang sinabi ko at bumuntong hininga na para bang inaasahan niya na kung anong sasabihin ko.
“I fucked up.” He admitted.
“Buti alam mo.”
“I needed to do that.”
“Do what?”
Of course, I know what he’s talking about, I just want him to admit every damn thing that he did. I want him to realize how much it makes no sense.
“Akala ko mapoprotektahan ko kayo kung lalayuan ko kayo.”
“Kaya nakipagkaibigan ka kay Daniel at Gueyo? Seriously?”
“Hindi ko sila kaibigan, okay?” irritation is evident in the tone of his voice.
“Whatever.”
“I needed their help to protect you, but to do that, I have to stay away from you.”
“Ken, sana nare-realize mo kung gaano kawalang sense ‘tong sinasabi mo saakin.”
So, he’s saying the reason why he purposely ignored me is because he wanted to protect me? Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa kukote niya para maisip na ‘yon ang solusyon sa problema.
“Gueyo and Ken approached me that day we were attacked, sabi nila kapag nakipagtulungan ako sakanila, tutulungan nila akong protektahan ka. And what’s the cost of it? If I want to protect you, then I have to take you away from danger. I don’t trust Gueyo and Daniel, if they really want to protect you, they wouldn’t have to approach me, clearly they are blackmailing me to join them and I can’t afford to take the risk.” He explained.
“Ganoon ka ba kaduwag at hindi mo ako kayang protektahan ng sarili mo lang?”
I knew Ken so well. He is selfless. We’re completely different from each other. Naniniwala ako sakanya, but he has to realize that he cannot be always selfless and dumb at the same time.