Uuwi
Tumigil ang buong paligid nang sinabi niya 'yon. Pakiramdam ko ay nabuhusan ako ng napakalamig na tubig.
"What did you just say?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko kay Kian.
Hinarap ko na nga siya, habang nasa kandungan niya pa rin at nakakunot ang noo. He didn't got affected with my heated stare at him, and even managed to have a small smile on his lips.
"It was your Mom who called me." Walang pagaalinlangan na sagot niya sa 'kin.
It's been a really long while since my parents crossed my mind. At kapag umaabot nga sila sa isip ko, I always make sure that they won't last long. Because the longer I keep them lingering in my thoughts, the more I felt guilty.
So I've always just comforted myself by the thought that maybe I deserve to not worry about them from now on. Kasi buong buhay ko naman, wala naman talaga silang ginawang kahit kaonting aruga man lang sa akin bilang anak nila.
All the sacrifices I made after we were hit by that tragedy was nowhere near the things they've done to me in my early life. Although it might have been close to what they've been doing when they were still in politics, it was never even a centimeter close to the care, love and struggles I've offered just for them to still have a normal life. Their efforts to maintain their lavish lifestyle when we were still fortunate, did not matched the amount of sacrifices they've done for me as their child.
So why would I still care about them? I don't know. Pero dahil may mga saglit pa din talagang bumabalik sila sa isipan ko, alam kong hindi lang nila ako binabangungot. Talagang may natitira pa rin yatang kakaunting pag-aalala sa kanila. Even when I so badly want to shook those feeling off my head, and most importantly, to not reach my heart.
But what can I do? They are still my parents. And I... left them... without a word.
"Anong sabi niya?" I slowly asked him, even if I have many other questions that I want to ask.
Why did she call him? Does it something to do with their ugly past with the Caballeros?
"Hmm? She just checked on me."
Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko sa tono ng boses niya. He sounded like it's not something odd that my Mom is checking on him. What is with their connection now?
"You must be confused now, huh?"
Hindi ko siya sinagot at pinagpatuloy lang ang nagtatanong ko pa ding titig sa kanya.
"Both your parents now live under my care, baby. Hindi mo na kailangang alalahanin pa kung anong nangyari sa kanila sa mga taong wala ka na para alagaan sila. Because I, already took that responsibility off your shoulders,"
Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya, hindi nga makapaniwala. At mas lalong, ayaw paniwalaan ang sinabi niya.
He didn't just say that, did he? Kahit na hindi ko pa alam ang lantad na katotohanan sa pagitan ng mga pamilya namin, I know that my parents always have a cold war with the Caballeros. Especially my Mom. Kaya kung totoo nga ang sinasabi ni Kian, ayokong maniwala.
Masyadong imposible. Mom hated them so much. And she also caused lots of brutal tragedies to them. Kaya, talagang ayaw ko pang maniwala sa sinabi lang ni Kian. Talagang imposible.
"Ano?" tanong ko ulit.
He sighed. "I know. Alam kong naguguluhan ka. But to make it simpler, yes, your parents have been with me for all these years."
I continue to be out of words. I am left speechless again. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagutin ang sinabi niya. I don't even know how to properly react. Talagang hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. Or if I have yet to accept his words.
"H-how?" I stuttered still with disbelief. "I mean-"
"I know what you want to know, Cianna. How can I accept your parents from all the things they caused to my life? Hindi ko alam. I just did."
Talagang hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. I slowly leaned my head sideways, still with the same wrinkled brows, showing him how confused I'm getting from all his unconvincing words. I mean, he does sound convincing. Talagang ako lang 'tong ayaw maniwala.
He let out a long sigh. "Malamang, galit pa rin ako. Hindi lang dahil sa ginawa nila sa pamilya ko pero dahil na rin sa ginawa nila sa 'yo. I know they've never been good parents to you, even when you always tried to be a good daughter. And that's what fueled my anger for them. Lalo na noong malaman kang tinakasan mo nga ako. I assumed maybe it wasn't just our problem that you were thinking in that time. I assumed you also wanted to get away because you are already so tired with your whole life, and all the responsibilities must've been the reason to put you on the edge."
He gently played with my fingers, as I continue to be lost on disbelief while inhaling his manly scent.
"Kaya no’ng sinimulan na kitang hanapin, binaliwala ko na ang lahat ng galit ko sa pamilya mo. Gusto ko, kapag nahanap na kita, you won't feel guilty anymore for leaving your parents behind. I want you to feel that you never have anything to worry of for the past years that you're gone because I've already taken care of it. Now, I'm only waiting for your approval to come home."
He kissed the back of my hand so gently, like handling a fragile glass, scared to break me in another incautious and careless motion.
"Ayos na ang lahat d'on, Cianna. Inayos ko na lahat. All it needs is the lost Esquivel heiress to return home to finally have the taste of freedom and peace in her own home. To finally have a taste of her dreams, in the premises where she was once held captive. Nakahanda na ang lahat, Cianna. Ikaw na lang ang kulang."
Yumuko ako, unti-unti nang kinokunsumo ng mga luha ng mga luha ang mata ko. I am still out of words on what he just said. I feel overwhelmed, and at the same time scared.
I know he didn't mean to sound like he's pressuring me, pero hindi ko mapigilang maramdaman iyon. I can't believe it. I can't believe myself, too. Upon thinking that I've left a man who could do so much effort just for me, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman.
Yes, guilt has been with me for all those years. It's just now, it slapped with me hard with facts. I've been carrying this guilt because I've always been chained to my past, even I used so many keys to get out of it.
Because that's how life works. Kapag hindi ka pa tapos sa nakaraan, talagang hindi ka makakausad. I've been a prisoner of my pasts, with all those tragedies and miseries that lead me to the imprisoned version of myself today.
And so, I stayed silent for another minute, considering more and more options, trying my best to contemplate properly on my decisions. I know I still can't guarantee Kian a definite answer for now. But I do hope that I can give him something that can calm his worries about me.
"T-thank you for your efforts Kian. Pero-"
"I know. I know. I already said it to you, right? I'm not pressuring you to decide immediately." He kissed the top of my head one more time. "You have all the time to think properly, baby. Hindi naman ako atat sa desisyon mo."
I sighed before bowing my head, letting the forming tears finally escape my eyes.
"Thank you," I whispered my gratitude, not being able to say it out loud because of the knot on my throat.
He then gently cupped my face, to let me face him again, then started to kiss my tears away, like kissing a statue. I was not literally frozen in my spot, though. Nagsimula na din akong humikbi dahil sa mga nararamdaman ko. Hindi naman na gaya noon na masyado ngang malaki ang pagdududa ko sa mga kilos ni Kian, ngayon, may mga duda pa din ako sa loob ko pero hindi na kasing bigat n'ong dati.
I can say that this is his great talent, making me convinced just by his words in such a short moment of time. Even when I'm still not sure about my future decisions, his kisses on my face made me feel reassured, and I feel like whatever decision I'll make, he would still accept me for who I am. Like how he accepts our pasts.
Sa mga dumaan pang mga araw ay palagi na ngang nakabuntot si Kian sa 'kin. Hindi naman sa buong araw, dahil alam kong may iba rin naman siguro siyang pinagkakaabalahan dito. Pero kapag maaga kong tinatapos ang araw ko, palagi talaga siyang nakasunod sa 'kin. Daig pa si Winter sa pagiging aso.
He visits me everyday, hinahatid-sundo niya pa ako, at kadalasan ay magkasama nga kaming kumain ng lunch at dinner. Minsan ay kahit nasa kabilang siyudad ako ay hinahatid pa rin niya ako, at pinabaunan niya pa ako ng samo't saring mga snacks, na sabi niya ay gawa niya mismo.
Parang biglang nagbalik sa lahat ang routine namin. Parang walang nangyaring isang makasariling desisyon mula sa 'kin na naging dahilan ng pagkawalay ko sa kanya. Parang wala akong nagawang kasalanan sa kanya. Sa isang iglap, nang nahanap na niya ulit ako, tinuring niya ang panahong kasama niya ako na parang walang nangyaring masama sa nakaraan namin. And deep inside, I felt relived and somehow grateful for having him.
I think about our situation every single night, contemplating properly to come out with the best options to choose from. I now accept that I'm the one whose greatly at fault, for assuming things quickly, and for leaving Kian behind before I can even hear his side of the story. I blame myself for that. Kaya sa ngayon, talagang pag-iisipan ko pa nang mabuti ang magiging desisyon ko.
What will happen if I'll accept him again? Hindi ko alam. There are tons of possible outcomes. At kung sakaling matagalan man ako sa pagdedesisyon at mabagot siya, ano rin ang mangyayari sa 'kin? Ito ang madalas kong kinababaliwan kapag nag-iisip.
Kaharap ko na naman ngayon iyong kliyente kong matandang dalaga. Still with her usual elegant attire, hindi ko mapigilang maisip ang Mommy. Umiling na lang ako para makapag-seryoso na sa ginagawa ko.
"Do you have her death certificate now?" I asked the old lady.
Inabot niya sa 'kin ang isang folder na may lamang mga dokumento. Binuksan ko iyon at tinignan isa-isa ang mga laman niyon. And when my hands stopped on a certain paper in that pile, parang isang kalabit na lang sa 'kin ay talagang mahuhulog at magkakalat ako sa café kung nas'an kami ngayon.
"I-is this h-her?" nangingig kong tanong sa kliyenteng katapat ko.
Because I am still a practicing lawyer, I don't want to look arrogant kaya halos lahat ng request ng client ay sinusunod ko. Kung saan nila kami gustong magkita, talagang dapat doon ako sumipot. And this lady has always liked to meet me in this small café in the city, kaya nandito na nga kami ngayon.
I didn't bring Briann kasi may iba akong pinaggawa sa kanya sa firm, so there's no one that could somehow escort me back there in case na mamutla nga ako masyado dito.
The picture was a bright photo of Sakura, at hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko sa oras na 'yon. Para akong nabuhusan ng napakalamig na tubig, at ngayo'y nanginginig ako habang nakaestatwa at nakaupo sa tapat ng matandang dalaga.
"Yes, that's my beautiful niece," she smiled as she took the photo away from my grasp.
"She looks so innocent, doesn't she?"
Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa kanya at nakitang malungkot siyang nakangiti habang tinitignan ang litrato. Unti-unting umawang ang labi ko sa unti-unti ring pagbagal ng hininga ko.
"But those idiots have always been against her. I don't even know what was something that made them hate her this much. She's such a nice girl. I had always offered her a good life in the West, but she always refused. If only she agreed to all my offers, she won't fall on the cruel hands of our own family members."
Mas lalo lang lumala ang pagtataka ko. I let out a sigh before composing myself again, sitting straight and directly fixated my eyes on the old lady.
"What makes you think that she was really killed by... your relatives?"
She sighed, too. "I always had a feeling that those idiots we're so fond of her, but not in a good way. And when I left her here before I return to the States to engage in my investments there, she stubbornly refused my offer to bring her. But what caught my attention was that, it seems like she had been forced to do so. Like, I have a strong feeling back then that there's something strong that's holding her back from accepting my offers. And now that she's already gone, I began to blame myself for not convincing her too much. Maybe if I did take her away from here, she will still be alive until now."
Hindi ako kumibo. Nanatili lang akong namamanghang nakatanaw sa kanya. I still can't connect the dots for now, but I sure am willing to do this work.
"It was said that she died in her sleep, right?"
Suminghap siya, "Yes, that's what they said."
"But you think, there's actually someone who's behind her death?"
"Yes, Attorney."
Napayuko ako at nag-isip. Here you go, Attorney Esquivel. Sa wakas, may kaso ka na ding ganito kaganda. But beautiful won't be the most accurate term for this case. It involves the death of my friend, that u have yet to open up about my client. I can say this is mysteriously fascinating rather than just beautiful.
Nasabi na sa 'kin noon nitong matandang 'to ang pangalan ng kamag-anak niya, but it wasn't Sakura. Kaya ngayon mas lalo lang akong nagtataka at nalilito, pero sa loob ko, hindi rin naman yata ako nagdududa.
Bumalik ako sa firm na mabigat ang pakiramdam. Briann checked on me, though, pero pati yata sa pagsabi kong ayos lang ako ay ang parang ang tamlay ko pa din. Hindi niya naman na iyon pinuna pa, kaya napagpatuloy ko ang araw ko nang walang masyadong abala, pero masyadong lutang...na naman.
I still have a few documents that needs my attention, pero talagang lumilipad ang isip ko, at umaabot sa kaso n'ong matandang babae, iyong kaso ni Sakura.
Napabuntonghininga na naman ako bago tumayo para sana kumuha man lang ng maiinom. Ayos na ang kape. Palagi namang maayos ang kape.
Kaya 'yon ang kinuha ko. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng paglalakad pabalik sa opisina dala-dala ang isang cup ng kape nang may makasalubong ko si Briann na atat yatang makalabas sa firm. Hindi naman siya tumatakbo, pero napakabilis ng paglalakad niya na para bang may hinahabol nga siya. Hindi na nga niya din siguro ako napansin dahil dere-deretso ang mga hakbang niya.
Medyo malayo ang opisina ko sa kung saan ako kumuha ng kape, dahil tamad akong bumili pa talaga ng sariling coffee maker para lang sa opisina ko. At kung hindi ako nagkakamali, galing yata sa mismong opisina ko si Briann.
Kumunot ang noo ko sa pagtataka, pero mabilis ko lang din naman 'yong pinaalis sa utak ko. I still have so many things to do.
I then confirmed that this is one of my unnormal days when I found that the documents of the case of Sakura was nowhere in my office! Ano na naman ba 'to? This day is getting even worse at the clock ticks.
I scanned each pile of documents I have stored here, but to no luck. I frustratingly grabbed a handful of my hair as I sat back down in my swivel chair, feeling drained.
My mind was all ready to overthink again when my office door flew open. Inangat ko ang tingin ko, at tama nga ang hula ko. Si Kian iyon.
"Oh? Anyare sa 'yo, Attorney?" patukso niyang tanong.
Ayoko naman siyang pagbuntungan ng inis ko sa araw na 'to kaya napabuntonghininga muna ako bago pabiro din siyang inirapan.
"I just had a bad day," nakangiti kong saad para naman 'wag na niya akong gambalain pa ng ibang tanong.
I saw him pout as he made his way in front of me. Agad siyang naupo sa katapat kong silya, sa harap ng lamesa kong tambak na ng mga papeles.
"Hmm? Baka may magawa ako diyan?" tinukon niya ang mga siko niya sa lamesa, at bahagyang diniin ang katawan niya sa gilid ng lamesa ko.
I rolled my eyes again, "Wala. Pero baka gusto mong sabihin kung bakit ka na naman nandito? Alas tres pa, ah? Mamaya pa ako uuwi."
"Eh kasi," kinamot niya ang batok niya. "May sasabihin sana ako kaso, baka mamaya na lang. Kakasabi mo lang na masama araw mo, eh."
Kumunot ang noo ko, naintriga. "H-hindi mo naman kasalanan 'yon. At saka, hindi naman talaga siya masama. Masyado lang siyang... mysterious," kwento ko habang nakatingin sa kawalan.
"Ha? Ano na namang mysterious 'yan?"
"Basta. Kaya 'wag mo nang dagdagan ang pagkaka-mysterious ng araw ko. Spill what you want me to know."
I sipped on my now cold coffee. Nakita ko namang pinagkuskos niya pa ang dalawang palad niya bago bumuga ng hininga.
"It's about your parents, Ci."
Muntik na akong mabulunan sa iniinom ko. He hadn't mentioned anything about that topic again for the past week that he's been with me. I know he knows that bringing that topic up will only make me feel uncomfortable. Kaya bakit ngayon, bigla siyang nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na magsalita sa 'kin tungkol d'on.
I swallowed hard. "W-what about them?"
I swear I really tried to sound civil, but the way I stuttered betrayed my supposed to be formal self. Napakagat ako sa labi ko.
"They..." he purposely trailed off. "They called me yesterday, Cianna. And they asked me a favor. I mean, I don't think they are really asking it from me."
I became more attentive on what he's saying, so I never drifted my eyes off him.
"I told you I'm not pressuring you, right? Pero Cianna, your parents just asked me to bring you home, as soon as possible."
His eyes told me that he's also not that comfortable in saying that to me. Alam kong alam niya na hindi pa nga ako handa na harapin ang mga taong iniwan ko noon.
So what am I left to do now? Maybe I still need to find a valid reason for their request. Bakit naman basta-basta na lang nila akong gustong makita?
"Are they dying... already?" my eyes were on the table when I asked him that.
The air suddenly became hotter than a usual summer day. Kahit na naka-airconditioned naman ang kwarto ko, ramdam ko na naman ang namumuong tensyon sa pagitan namin, at nagsimula na naman tumulo ang pawis sa noo ko.
"Cianna..." he called my name, but I didn't even want to look at him for now.
"Yes, t-that could be the reason. Your Dad, he's..."
"Getting closer to the end, huh?"
Hindi siya kumibo.
I laughed. "Good for him. Sana lahat."
"Cianna," now he sounds like he's not tolerating the tone of my voice. Doon na ako napatingin sa kanya.
"Don't you also have some kept anger for him? He's the one behind of your brother's death, and so as the greatest tragedy of your family! Siya ang naging rason kung bakit napatay ng Mommy ang Mama mo, because he can't keep his loyalty to just one woman. Hindi ka ba nagagalit sa kanya?" unti-unting tumataas ang boses ko.
He sighed heavily. "Noon, Cianna. Ilang beses ko ng naamin sa 'yo ang galit ko sa mga magulang mo. I have tons of reasons, I have all the rights to bring my hate for them to the grave. Ang laki ng naging dulot ng mga kasalanan nila sa pamilya ko. Pero Ci, they're still your parents. Your family. And that's what keeps my respect for them. They're still a part of you. And of course, I'll respect them because of that."
Binaba ko na ang walang laman na cup ng kape na halos makupos na sa kamay ko. I inhaled and exhaled slowly for a few times, only to come up with still no words to reply to him. Patuloy na lang akong tumingin sa bandamg kaliwa na pader ng kwarto, at ayaw na naman yatang harapin ang mga mata ni Kian.
"I understand it if you would want to decline their request. It's still your choice, Cianna. Ang akin lang naman, maybe you can consider it. Pero kung talagang hindi ka pa handa, then I won't be convincing you too much anymore."
Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. Naramdaman kong tumindig siya galing sa kinauupuan. Binalingan ko na lang siya nang mapansing aalis na rin yata siya.
"Madami ka pa yatang aasikasuhin. Pasensya na sa abala. Medyo nabigla na lang din kasi ako sa tawag ng mga magulang mo. But don't worry, I'll inform them of your decision right away. I'm sure they'll understand."
I lowered my gaze again on the table. Now sitting straight, I exhaled heavily while my fingers scan the mess of documents in front of me, now trying to look like an antagonist in a drama.
"At 'wag ka ring mag-aalala. Mamaya ihahatid pa din naman kita,"
"Kailan ba tayo uuwi?" malumanay kong tanong.
"Kung kailan ka matatapos dito-"
"Kailan ba tayo uuwi ng Pinas?"