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Halos murahin ko na ang buong mundo nang nagawa ko pang imulat ang mga mata ko.
Fuck! Why the hell am I still here?!
That was already my most brutal attempt, yet here I am, still breathing and again have to face this life's bullshits.
But this time, mas malala pa yata ang galit na nararamdaman ko kesa sa galit ko sa mga naunang nangyari. Ngayon ay hindi lang ako galit dahil sa mga nangyaring pagtatraydor sa 'kin ng mga taong akal ko ay hindi ako magagawang gawan ng masama, nagagalit na rin ako dahil hinayaan pa talaga ako ni Satanas na manatili dito.
But I think this is all God's fault. Baka kinaawaan niya pa talaga ako. But heck, I never asked for His mercy! I never asked for His pity! I never fucking believed in Him all along! Kaya bakit pilit niya pa rin akong niligtas?
I never wanted Him to have mercy in me! I never wanted Him to pity me! All I wanted all along was to end all the sufferings I've been! At alam kong hindi Siya ang makakatupad n'on!
I have known Him for creating nonsense miracles and shitty blessings, not stopping heartaches and problems. Kaya alam kong dapat si Satanas ang kampihan ko. Kasi siya lang yata ang makakapagbigay sa 'kin sa gusto ko. Ang katapusan.
I have never been a believer of God and His miracles. Yes, when I was young, I used to. But because I never found anything in this life to let me continue my faith in Him anymore, talagang nawalan ako ng ganang magtiwala sa kanya.
I've always believed that it was Satan all along that was trying to approach me, but I always refuse to go dangerously near him because I was still always motherfucking hoping that the love of my life will come back to me, and maybe I'll regret it when I finally chose Satan over my hope in meeting him again someday.
But my love just gave me a strong reason to finally approach Satan in a very dangerous manner. He didn't give me enough hope anymore to keep me believing that there can still be good things in life. Instead, he left me hanging when I needed his love to keep me going.
I never spoke to anyone for the whole year. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na lang namalayan na kung ano-ano na naman ang mga napag-desisyunan ko.
I left the hospital that day, after I found out that I am still alive and that brutal attempt still didn't work. Mabilis ang mga hakbang ko habang lumilinga-linga sa paligid para tignan kung may nakapansin ba sa 'kin.
Thankfully, no one noticed my absence in my room for a few hours, at nagkaroon pa talaga ako ng tiyempo na makatakbo papunta sa pinakamalapit na sakayan ng jeep at magtungo sa estasyon ng bus.
My mind was still blank, still not sane, and definitely needs a recharge, but my decision of getting out of this place was constant. Habang lutang sa byahe, 'yon lang ang tanging pumapasok sa isip ko. Ang umalis.
The thoughts of leaving everything about this place feels so relieving to me. Hindi ko na inalintana pa ang mga responsibilidad ko. Pati ang mga magulang ko ay hindi na pumasok sa isip ko.
Pumunta ba sila sa ospital? Wala na akong paki. Ano na lang kaya ang mangyayari sa kanila kapag wala na ako para tustusan ang pamumuhay nila? Mas lalong hindi na 'yon pumasok sa isip ko.
Ang tanging nasa isip ko lang ay ang umalis. Ang magpakalayo-layo. Ang mamuhay ng panibagong buhay. Ang tuparin ang pangarap ko sa sarili ko noon na aalis ako at magsisimulang muli. Na mamuhay ng naayon sa kung ano lang ang gusto ko. Ang mamuhay ng mayapa.
But this place is anything but peaceful. Every place that will remind me of my cruel past will remain a dangerous place for me. Every breath of air that comes from this place will only suffocate me until I can't see my dream destination anymore. Every single second I spend in this place, clearly reminds me of how I used to suffer.
So I went far, without any amount of money at all. Hindi naging madali, pero hindi ko na rin naman ininda ang kahit ano dahil sa pagiging lutang ko sa buong pangyayari.
All I remember was finding a dirty black cap in the middle of the busy streets of an unknown place, and used it everywhere that I've went to. Sa panlilimos at sa paghahanap ng tira-tirang pagkain sa kalsada at sa mga basurahan, iyon lang ang nagsilbing disguise ko para hindi masyadong mahalata ng mga tao.
Because I knew one look at my face and they'll definitely figure out that I was that once fortunate Esquivel heiress. Kahit na nawala na ang pag-asa ko sa mga taong iniwan ko sa Dumaguete, may kung ano pa rin sa isip ko na nagsasabi na baka hinahanap na ako. And I definitely don't want to be found.
The details on how I overcome that certain part of my life was incredibly so blur to me. I can't clearly remember every small detail after I've gone through that struggle. All I remember was that, I went from jobs to jobs, constantly being kicked out because I don't have the right papers with me, but a humble yet old man found me.
He's probably in his late forties, but what makes me comfortable with him was that he had an assuring smile. Pinangako niya sa 'king ipag-papaaral niya ako at bibigyan ng mga panibagong papeles para matupad 'yon. And even when I was in my lowest times in where I can't seem to find any light in my dark world, he somehow gave me hope... for a while.
For now, I don't want to mention his name again. It will just bring back another set of bad memories. That man was just trying to play innocent all along. And just like all the times when I saw light in my darkest times, I became desperate that I didn't even noticed his also dark motives.
"And that's the story of how I almost got rape twice. With more than just one man, with a weak heart and helpless soul, without any help from any other people. Not even the ones I've been with my whole life. Not even the people I trusted. It was just me, all along, who saved myself." I proudly said in front of the people in front of me.
This is what it meant when you say surreal. With all these people watching me, listening to me with proud smiles but with teary eyes, I feel so proud of myself.
It had been a very long and tough journey, but here I am being so open to everyone who's listening to me on how I overcame it. There's still lots of secrets hidden in me, but all I wanted to do for now, is to somehow inspire others with my journey. And with the look on their faces, I knew, I did it well.
I turned my head sideways when I saw someone raise their hand. I nodded as a signal for them to speak, and I saw them cough for a second before finally handling the mic that was handed to him by one of the staff of this show.
"If you don't mind, how? I mean, you were alone all those times, right? How can you say you really were saved? And, when can you say that you already overcame such a heavy problem you’ve been carrying your whole life?"
I took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, then held my mic even tighter before speaking up.
"Well, it took me a while to finally accept my fate, that I can only be my one and only savior. It was a hard challenge. I was like a lonely deer in a dark road, only guided to acceptance by the streetlights. It was indeed hard, without any means of motivation from other people, and the only thing that kept me going was my promise to my younger self, that I will give her the life I've always wanted. The life with no big responsibilities to other people except for myself. I finally felt that I was saved when I started to always hope for even the smallest things in life, and when I finally was able to gamble in other matters without the fear of being back to my miserable self again. When I began to accept that, maybe I will still encounter more hardships, and when I was able to accept that everything is not just rainbows and unicorns, but also not just black and white. When I began to cherish every moment without worrying about the past or the future, that's when I found that I was indeed saved from the worries, but still not from the unknown attacks future might throw at me again."
The show went on, and more questions from the audience was answered by my true experiences in life. After years of being in the dark, alone, and miserable, here I am standing in front of a crowd of people, motivating them through my words and experiences. It was a tough journey, but I was more than happy that I can now freely tell to people how life struck me with bad luck, and how I overcame all the bumpy roads.
Now, at 27, I am officially a lawyer and a motivational speaker. It took a while to stand back up and rise from depression and poverty, but I made it.
It still overwhelms me until this day, that I've come this far. It was indeed something I've always dreamed of, but never imagined being put into reality.
Nang matapos ako ay yumuko ako sa mga tao para ipakitang ako ay magpapaalam na. They clapped and stood up, and even cheered for me. While some were just silently watching me with awe, I still tried to smile back to everyone my eyes meet.
The staffs congratulated me in the backstage, at pinuri na naman nila ang speech ko kanina. Even the way I answered all those questions from the audience, hindi nila pinalampas.
I just said a few thanks to them, before finally addressing my exit from the place. Sabi pa nga ay may pakain pa raw sila sa malapit na restaurant, pero inilingan ko lang sila.
These are nice people, and they were just a few from all the people I've met in this new journey of mine. Kahit na gusto ko nang sumali sa kanila pagkatapos nito, I still have a lot to do in the law firm. Hapon na at, kailangan kong tapusin agad ang mga papeles na kaya kong tapusin para bukas sa Sabado, talagang masusulit ko ang minsanan ko lang na day-off.
Dahil malapit lang naman ang law firm sa building na pinagdausan ko kanina ng speech, hindi na ako nag-abala pang mag-taxi. I walked the busy road of the Yokohama as I clutch my purse in one hand, and held my umbrella in the other.
Hindi naman masyadong malakas ang ulan. Tama lang para pagdalhin ka talaga ng payong para maging mas kaakit-akit tignan ang siyudad. Madalas kasi na kapag umuulan dito, mas madami talaga akong nakikitang mga taong pini-picturan ang lugar. Maybe they want a perfect capture of how a rainy day in Japan really looks like. And I can't deny it's beauty, too. Talagang maganda nga tignan na nakapayong ang lahat ng nakikita ko.
I finished my law degree here in Japan. But how did I got here after struggling with poverty? Well, it's a very long story. Basta, umabot lang talaga sa punto na may napagkatiwalaan na talaga akong tao, at sadyang hindi niya ako binigo. Even when now she's on a much better paradise, I still thank her for lifting me up from the sufferings and got me to where I am right now.
Sakura was a nice girl and was just five years older than me. Nakita ko lang siya sa isang kanto sa Manila noon, pagkatapos ako muntikang gahasain no’ng lalaking unang kumupkop sa 'kin. I was then still afraid of trusting a stranger again, but she never let me down.
She helped me enter a nice-paying job. At kahit wala iyong kinalaman sa kursong kinuha ko, madali naman akong naka-adjust dahil sa tulong niya. That's when I saved up money for my future plans. She lives frugal life, too. Kaya ang ganda ng impluwensya niya sa 'kin. Talagang hindi ako nakaramdam ng pagkaligalig sa mga masasamang bagay. Puro mabubuting impluwensya ang nabigay niya sa 'kin.
She had always been there with me since she came to my life. She's been a great friend to me, and I returned her what she also deserves from me. But then, I still have a background of being unfortunate with the people I've came to cherish.
It's been a year now since she passed away in her sleep. Nasaktan na naman ako sa nangyari pero... I still tried to continue. Because that's the best thing that I have learned from her, to continue despite the heartaches.
It was already ten in the evening when I finally decided to call it a day. May ilang papeles pa rin akong hindi nagagalaw, pero na-check ko naman na ang mga 'yon. Most of it will only need my signature now. Kaya ayos lang na sa Linggo o sa Lunes ko na lang 'yon pansinin.
My apartment is a bit far from the firm, kaya naghintay pa talaga ako sa labas ng ilang minuto para sumakay ng taxi. Pasalamat ako at may mga iilan pa ngang dumadaan, kaya ilang sandali lang din ay nasa harap na ako ng tahanan ko.
It was also a dream come true to finally have my own home. Because I am already financially stable, I can already afford to pay the rent of this 500 square meter two-story house as long as I want to. Although I'm already living alone here, mabait din naman ang mga kapitbahay ko kaya hindi ko na ulit naramdaman na talagang mag-isa na naman ako.
That's also one of the things that I started to be really thankful for. Kasi sa mga nagdaang mga taon sa buhay ko na ang daming taong nawala sa 'kin, I found a lot more people who are more deserving of my trust.
I spent the first hours of my Saturday morning getting ready to have a peaceful date with myself. Yeah, I have met lots of friends here in Japan. But still, nothing beats my own company. The feeling of just doing things with only myself. Maganda nga na may kaibigan kang makakasama sa mga bagay-bagay, mas lalo na sa pamamsyal, pero sa ngayon, gusto ko lang na makasama ulitang sarili ko lang... but still with a friend. Just not in a human form.
The roads were still not that busy when I went out. I'm wearing a vintage tee with a cardigan. Wide jeans paired with leather boots. I also brought a tote bag with me, at sa kaliwang kamay ko naman ay hawak ko ang leash ng aso ko.
Winter is softly smiling at me as I comb my hair with my fingertips backwards. Her tongue is out, and she was sitting in a very cute way that I can finally declare it was already a very nice day because of her.
We went for a silent walk to the more peaceful street of the next village. May mga ibang aso ding nandoon kaya hinayaan ko muna si Winter na maglaro kasama sila. I talked a while with the other owners of the dogs Winter was busy playing with, before finally deciding that maybe I need to go to the city to maybe shop and spoil myself for a while.
I bid my farewell to them, and they also waved back at me. I greeted them once again in Japanese, before finally walking away.
I've only been here in Japan for a few years, but I already studied their language back in the Philippines, and I also met lots of friendly people back in law school, so it wasn't that hard anymore to communicate with the people here. Besides the fact that there are also lots of citizens that were fluent in speaking English, they also are so friendly that it wasn't that hard to fit in in every places.
Napunta na naman ako sa payapa ngunit mataong lugar ng Yokohama. This have been my hometown for the past five years. And somehow, it really made me feel the vibe of being so happily contented with life. It makes me always feel like home, even when this is not even my birthplace.
I rented a bike on a nearby stall, at sinakay si Winter sa maliit na basket nito sa harap. Inikot ko ang buong siyudad, at paminsan-minsang tumitigil para bumili ng gustong kainin o bilhin. It was indeed a peaceful day with myself, and Winter, of course.
Papalapit na ang hapon at nasa isang ice cream parlor lang ako, nasa hita ko si Winter at nilalapa din ang ice cream na binili ko para sa kanya. I'm eating my own ice cream with my other hand, staring innocently at the road in front of me.
I started to be lost in my own world again, just like what I always do whenever I'm alone and not working on anything. And I am now entirely grateful that the state of my mind was never the same as it was before.
Sakura helped me with my battle with depression, too. She was consistent in finding me a great doctor to cure me, at hindi na lang ako pumalag sa kagusthuhan niya. And now, I'm benefiting her determination in saving me from sadness.
Umabot pa talaga ako ng ilan pang oras na nakatulala lang d'on sa harap ng ice cream parlor, at nakailang ulit din ako ng order ng panibago pang ice cream at ibang desert para sa 'min ni Winter.
I was still lost in my own world, when I heard the entrance door chimed, signaling the arrival of a new costumer.
Nabusy ako sa kinakain na fries, at pati na sa pagsubo din kay Winter ng kung ano din ang kinakain ko, kaya hindi ko na lang pinansin ang kung sino mang bagong dumating.
Just like most of the stalls in this part of the city, the ice cream parlor I'm in is small, probably just extending up to a hundred square meters. Malaki ang pwesto ng cashier at ng kusina nila, kaya nasa limang tables lang ang pwedeng okupahan ng mga costumers.
I am at the far left side of the place, at nakatalikod ang upuan ko sa mismong entrance ng lugar. Kaya nang may biglang kumalabit sa 'kin, nabigla ako at agad na hinarap ang kung sino mang nasa likod ko.
Nalaglag ang panga ko nang makita kung sino 'yon. With a smug look on his face, Kian looked more mature now. Talagang nawala ako sa wisyo ko na pati ang purihin man lang siya sa utak ko ay hindi ko nagawa. I am so shocked to see him in front of me again.
I clearly wasn't expecting this. And neither have I ever imagined our paths crossing each other again.
My jaw's still on the floor and my eyes still wide as my body was positioned in a twisted manner while facing him.
Nang makita niya siguro kung gaano ako katanga tignan sa posisyon ko ngayon, mas lumawak ang ngisi niya sa labi. Ewan, pero imbes na kabahan, parang kinilig pa yata ako.
Heck, Cianna! What the hell is wrong with you?
"Hi," he casually said. "Long time no see, Esquivel."
His deep voice sent shivers down my spine. Napalunok ako at nang maramdaman ang pagkapagod ng likod ko dahil sa posisyon ko kanina, hinarap ko siya nang maayos, nakaupo pa rin.
I'm just dreaming, right? Yeah, Cianna. You're just motherfucking dreaming again.
But why does the features in his face look so real? Why are the sparkles in his eyes so evident and realistic compared to the pair of eyes I imagined him looking at me in my actual dreams?
It's been a while since this word came to my mind, pero... porkchop nga naman.
This can't be true!
"Finally, I found you."
He said that as a whisper, but it still reached my ears even with the distance of his mouth and my ears. Because I am sitting and his tall figure is towering over me, it would be seemingly impossible for me to still hear that. Pero dahil tahimik naman ang lugar, talagang nakaabot sa tenga ko ang sinabi niya at nanindig na naman ang mga balahibo ko.
Porkchop na talaga.
"W-why are you h-here?" I stutter in my question.
He angled his face sideways, looking at me with a now teasing face before finally settling down in the sit beside me. Nanlaki na naman ang mga mata ko. Now what? We're going to talk... casually?
I am aware that I became selfish when I left my hometown that day. I never cared about anything else besides myself. I was consumed by my anger and determination to leave, not even a single thought of all the people I will leave behind crossed my mind.
Iyon ba ang pinunta niya dito? Ang punain ang mga ginawa ko noon? But why will he still mind that? It's been years, and I'm sure he's already over it. Besides, he's the main reason why I left that place. I gave him the biggest slices of my trust yet he disappointed me.
He let out a mocking laugh, the proceeded to turn to my white Pomeranian who's sitting on the table in front of us.
He gently grabbed her, at medyo kinabahan ako sa gagawin niya. Who knows what he's up to. Bigla-bigla lang siyang susulpot para ano? Hindi ko alam. Baka mamaya pinagti-tripan lang pala ako ng mga Hapon dito. Pero nang titigan ko naman nang mabuti ang mukha niya, mukha naming hindi 'to Hapon. Kian na Kian talaga ang mukha, eh.
"So, what's your plans for now, huh?" he asked me casually, now playing with my dog.
Napakunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. Even the way he talks to me is so...questionable. Am I seeing him right?
He shot a brow up when he heard no response from me, at inangat muli ang tingin niya sa 'kin habang nilalaro pa din ang puting balahibo ni Winter.
"Nothing, eh?"
I remained silent. Nakatingin pa rin ako sa kanya at gan’on din siya sa 'kin, pero parang may kung ano sa loob ko na parang hindi na kakayanin pa ang isa pang minutong pakikipag-titigan sa kanya ng walang nagsasalita.
Ewan, but because this is our first time meeting each other again for years, looking in his eyes tell me that... baka may naiwan pala akong kasalanan sa kanya.
His eyes were again like the last time I met them, secretive and is seemingly hiding in a façade. I can't picture his true emotions now, but I can sense in the air surrounding us that... there are still a lot that is left in him... deep inside. Something, I don't think I would want to think about now.
He then smirked, and with yet another series of surprised emotions from me, he gently held my hand.
"How about you go home, huh? Uwi ka na sa 'kin."