Four weeks have passed since I had done the intimacy with my brother’s friend. I haven’t seen or heard from him, so I’m guessing he’s not going to get in touch with me. That’s fine. I just wanted a night of fun and then I can go back to my life.
I still need to work and study for my degree. I want a better life. I need a better job than waitressing, and the tips aren’t enough to pay my student loans.
“Caitlin, where are you going?” my brother asks me as I stand by the front door with my coat on.
“Out,” I reply as I head for the door.
“I thought we were hanging out today.”
I sigh, looking at him. “I’m sorry, but I have a doctor’s appointment.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I answer as I open the door. “It’s just a routine check-up.” That’s a lie. I went to the pharmacy and took three pregnancy tests. They all came out positive. I don’t know what I’m going to do. The only option I have is to go to the hospital and get a proper test, and if it’s positive, I’ll need to make a decision on whether I’m going to keep the baby or not.
“Cait, where did you go yesterday?” my brother asks as we eat lunch together. “You weren’t in your bed this morning.”
I stop eating, looking at him with wide eyes. I didn’t mean to go out and come home this late, but I was too busy thinking about what I should do. I didn’t even remember that I needed to come home.
“I went to a friend’s house. You know, a female friend.”
“Was it that blonde girl you were talking about the other day?”
I shake my head. “No. She had short dark hair.”
“Is she in the same class as you?”
I nod, thinking quickly. “She lives far away from campus and asked if I would spend the night at her house.” My brother is satisfied with my answer, but that’s a lie too. My brother and I are close. We tell each other everything, but right now, I just want to protect myself. I don’t want him to find out about my pregnancy until I have made up my mind.
“Oh, okay,” he replies. “That’s cool.”
I smile back, relieved that I didn’t have to tell him any more lies.
“So, what’s she like?”
“She’s pretty.”
“What’s her name?” he continues, taking a bite of his sandwich.
“Um...Sarah,” I say. That’s not true, but it’s the first name that pops into my head.
“Sarah,” he repeats. “Is she in your history class?”
I shake my head again, not wanting to tell him anything else that will reveal my lie. “No.”
He shrugs. “That’s okay. I know you have other classes.” I’m grateful that my brother knows I have other classes and drops the topic.
I’m lying in my bed when my brother knocks on my door. “Cait, dinner’s ready,” he says.
“I’m not hungry,” I reply, looking at the ceiling.
“What? Are you sick?”
I close my eyes, feeling guilty. My brother will always worry if I don’t eat dinner.
“Come on,” he coaxes. “You need to eat.”
“I’ll be down in a minute,” I say, trying to give him a reassuring tone. I turn on my side and cover myself with a blanket. I’m so tired. My mind keeps going back to what I should do with my pregnancy. I shouldn’t have gone through with it that night. I wasn’t prepared for the consequences. My hand goes to my flat stomach as I feel a little nausea. Maybe this is what I’m supposed to do.
“Cait,” my brother calls, sounding worried. I hear his footsteps get closer as he enters my room. I open my eyes as he sits down beside me.
“What’s wrong?”
I turn away, not wanting to look at him. I’m just so ashamed.
“Cait...” he says softly. “What’s wrong?” he repeats.
I sigh as tears stream down my face.
“What happened?”
“I...” I hesitate before continuing, “I’m pregnant.”
I feel my brother move beside me as he processes the information. I wait for him to yell at me, but instead, he’s quiet.
“I...I’m sorry,” I stammer. “I didn’t want to get pregnant.”
“It’s my fault.”
“No, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I made a mistake.” I cry harder, knowing I shouldn’t blame my brother.
“How did this happen?” he asks softly.
“I don’t know,” I sob. “He used protection, and I thought everything was fine, but...but he didn’t pull out, and I think that’s what happened. The condom broke or something.”
“Are you sure you don’t know who he is?” my brother asks.
I sniffle, wiping my eyes. “I told you. I can’t remember.”
"Damn,” my brother yells, standing up and walking away. I watch as he punches his fist against the wall. “What a bastard! If I could get my hands on him, I’d kill him.”
I sit up, looking at my brother with wide eyes. “No, it’s okay,” I say quickly.
“It’s not okay! He did this to you!” he roars.
“No! Don’t say anything else!”
My brother turns towards me, looking at me with anger. “No one should do this to you!”
“I know, but this isn’t his fault.”
“Yes it is!”
“NO!” I yell louder than him. “It was my choice. I wanted to do it with him. I just...I didn’t think about the consequences.” I start crying again. “Just leave me alone.” I turn away, covering myself with the blanket. My brother looks at me for a while, but then I hear his footsteps as he leaves my room.
I sob harder, feeling guiltier. I should tell him the truth, but my pride won’t let me.