It is almost February of year 2022, but my heart still belongs to someone who's not even interested in me.
Several years of admiring just the same guy I met ever since childhood. I'm counting the years and to my surprise, I'm already in love with him for six years already. That was quite long, huh? But throughout the years, six years to be certain, I never tried confessing to him. I was always this scared.
I kept on admiring this guy in my life even though there's no assurance at all. There's no guarantee that this love for him will be reciprocated, or maybe it will remain as one-sided love forever. I created myself to be so blind like this. Because do you know what it meant when I said to the back of the stars that I want him to love me back? It's like hoping for an impossible thing to happen. Like I was telling myself a joke, but it's not even funny because the pain cuts different. Like I'm just hoping for nothing.
Funny! Go laugh all you want, people. I will not mind anyway. Go make fun of me for loving someone who is already into someone. I should find another guy like what my friends advised me to do. I should practice letting go of someone who is not even suppose to be mine. But where are my ears? I pretended to be deaf like I'm not really concerned about the advices. Pretending to be deaf all the time because I want to avoid entertaining the thought of letting him go.
I'm still stuck on him, yes I do. And I find it hard to let go. I find it difficult to unloved him like I was so obsessed with him. Because until now, no lies, I'm still into him. He became an inspiration that I don't want to lose. He suddenly became an important piece of a puzzle, like losing him will not be going to complete every part of me. Because if he's gonna be taken away from me, I might lose my brain.
Why do people chose to love, by the way? For me, it is unpredictable. I didn't expect myself to fall in love, too. It happened so quick, like a blink of an eye. But maybe the reason we decided to love is because of our intimate feelings toward a person. We are even willing to take all the risks because one moment in our life we fell in love.
That's the thing about love.
But how can I stop myself from falling? No one can cut the wings of love. No one can deny true feelings. If you want to stop loving a person because you realized it's not worth it any more then expect for a tragic outcome. What's next to love is pain. And sometimes pain leads to a million regrets. And that is what I'm scared about— to be hurt, to blame myself for loving. I can't imagine myself being at my worst. I can't imagine myself aching. That must be so scary, but I know that will be inevitable.
And the scariest is that, blaming me for loving him. I don't want this feeling to become a great regret in the future. I was happy being secretly in love with him, and that was my own personal choice. As long as I can, I want this feeling to be special, not to be a regret.
“I didn't know you're coming here,” I said in surprise. I didn't expect to see my friend, Shan, in front of our gate. Look how coincidence it was. I was just thinking of him a while ago, and he's already in my front.
He is looking more than good as usual. See that smile on his lips? That is something I can't resist. That is my weakness. I'm more than happy to see him here. What a pleasure indeed to see the guy you admire the most!
“Well, I guess you are now,” he chuckled. I can't stop myself but to smile. Seeing him in this time makes my morning complete. If his smile's the only thing that can complete my day, then I would love to have a glance on it every second of my life. Swear I won't get exhausted.
“By the way, what are you doing here?” I asked, blinking my eyes. Truth is, I really wanted him here. But I don't want him to sense it, do I?
“I'm here to give you a free ride.” He jerked his thumb on the car behind him. “Having a special someone seated on my side while I'm driving is a different sort of feeling,” he added.
“That was so sweet of you.” I can feel my cheeks turning into red tomatoes. Who wouldn't? Just look at Shan. He is everything a girl should dream. And to tell you the truth, he is also a dream to me. I wanted him to love me like the way I do. But I'm not in the position to force.
“So, shall we?” He motioned his hand inside the car as I cheerfully nodded my head. “Be careful, Ari.” He then opened the door and waited for me to be seated on the passenger's seat before he turned around into the driver's seat.
“Thanks.” I smiled. That was a gentleman gesture. Who wouldn't feel the need to say thank you, right?
The trip from our house to school took only a matter of six minutes, since it's not that far. Shan's also good at driving and there's no traffic as well.
“I'll go ahead. Bye, take care!” I waved my hands at him as I entered our classroom. As for him, he still had to pass three rooms before reaching their classroom.
“Bye!” He smiled.
This morning, when I rode on his car, is a very memorable moment in my life. I will never forget those corny jokes from him, the way how he made me inspired, his smiles. Engraved in my memory are the moments we had as friends. I hope a day would come for our ship to sail, my feelings being floated on the sea with his feelings too. Isn't that lovely?
Since my classmate, Shaine, who is also a close friend of mine is absent, I have to eat lunch with Shan at school. I'm not going to say that I have no choice, and I'm just forced at all. It is actually my happiness to share the table with him. But I'm not happy about Shaine being absent for a no good reason.
“Are you dating a girl already?” I asked, as my question appeared to be out of the blue. I can see it through his expression that he was a bit shocked upon hearing it from me. I'm sorry, just wanna ask.
Shan halted from scrolling on his newsfeed as he pay attention to me. “No.”
Is it safe for me to heave a sigh of relief? Well, as long as he's not dating any girls out there, I'm still free to love him. Falling in love will not be interrupted anymore if he remained single. I hope so. I'm not yet ready to see him being with someone else. That will pierce my heart.
“Really?” I acted as if I can't believe he's not yet dating a girl. But deep inside, I badly wished for him to be single until the day he realized my worth. He belongs to me, can we make that possible? Oh, what a nice word!
“Yeah. This is not yet the perfect time to entertain dating. Why would I? I'm contented of what I already have right now. I don't need any extra.”
That's good to hear, huh? Meaning, he is still free to be loved by me. If I'm not really the one for him, then I would still want it to be me. And it should be us in the ending. We may lose our paths in the middle, but how I wish he will be going to miss me the way I do. Destiny might be cruel to us, and it might try to tear us apart, I hope he would still find a way to get back to me.
And that will only be possible if I'm the one that he love, not someone else.
“Please let me know if there's already someone, Shan,” I muttered as I look on his eyes.
“Stop being so jealous, okay? I'm not going to replace my friend,” he chuckled as he messed my hair. That was sweet when he said he ain't gonna replace me. But that part where he said “friend” is a bit painful to the ears.
“You were the one who said that. I only asked you to let me know if there's already someone.”
“Well, girls are always right,” he jested.
“Not always," I argued.
Having conversations with him, admiring him... is great.