Before, I really couldn't see the darkness itself. I never appreciated the night sky above. I was able to lay my eyes on it but the alluring beauty of the moon and stars above me was nothing but a normal view for me.
All of my life, since the day I was born, the light from my parents was the first thing that embraced me. It was warm, sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam. That's why, back then, I couldn't even see the value of the warmth given by the darkness.
Simula ng namulat ako rito sa mundong ibabaw, ay hindi lang mismong sarili kong liwanag ang tanging nakapalibot lang sa akin, kung hindi pati na rin liwanag ng mga taong nakapalibot sa akin. Everytime I performed in front of the crowd, they never hesitate to share their lights with me that I always accepted willingly. Their cheerful claps, their loud cheers, and their proud smiles — those are the definition of the light for me.
It was wonderful, it was amazing. Those memories were full of colourful lights... Full of life.
But everything changed in an instant when one tragic night happened. The night when my parents choose to protect my life using theirs. The night when I can't no longer embrace the two people who always guided me to my own path. The night when my life full of multicoloured light turned upside down.
After that night, I can no longer embrace the glowing light that's once I had. I can no longer look at it na hindi nasisilaw ang sariling mga mata. It was when I already decided to leave the life I once had and embrace the new life I didn't know will come.
And it's the darkness. The darkness that other people were afraid of. The darkness that others think was bad. The darkness that made other people shiver because of its coldness.
But darkness is not that bad like what others think it is. It can also give you comfort. It can also calm your senses. It also has the power to give you warmth when you feel like you're freezing to cold.
Apat na taon ang nakaraan na wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang magtago sa madilim na kwartong 'to. Wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang umiyak na walang ibang kasama kung hindi ang kadiliman. I decided to embrace it and its willingly accepted me together with my misery.
It didn't laugh at me. It didn't judge me. The warm darkness was just there, sinasamahan akong magmukmok at umiyak. For the past four years, it became my comfort, my solace...
"Let's go," I blinked my eyes multiple times as the soothing voice echoed around the corner.
Wala sa sariling napatingala ako kay Levitticos na ngayon ay nakatayo na pala sa aking harapan. Ang isa niyang kamay ay nakalahad na rin sa aking harapan. Ilang minuto rin akong nakatitig doon bago ko ito tinanggap ng wala sa sarili.
He smiled at me before slowly guiding me to stand my weak feet up. Agad akong napakapit sa kanyang mga braso ng akma akong maduduwal sa pagkakatayo. My expectation of him guiding me to walk suddenly fade when he slowly lift up my body into a bridal style.
Nang makuntento ay agad na siyang lumakad patungo sa aking wheelchair. Dahan-dahan niya akong pinaupo sa upuang may gulong. And when he successfully put me down on the wheel chair, he make his way on my back and push the wheelchair lightly.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang kabahan ng tuluyan na kaming nakalabas sa aking kwarto. Agad na bumungad sa aking paningin ang madilim na hallway ng second floor. Tahimik lang naming tinahak ang daan patungo sa elevator na nasa dulong bahagi ng hallway. Tanging mga yapak lang mula sa mga paa ni Levitticos ang maingay sa buong paligid. Kahit nasa loob na kami ng elevator ay kahit niisa sa aming dalawa ay wala pa ring gustong gumawa ng ingay.
Nang tuluyang bumukas ang elevator, agad na bumungad sa amin ang hindi kadilimang first floor. The wide sala was not that bright nor dark. It has a dim light that was given by the big lampshade.
Katahimikan. 'Yan lang ang natatanging naghari sa buong paligid hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming nakalabas ng mansion. And when we finally reached outside the mansion, I can't help but exclaim in amusement.
For the past four years, ito ang kauna-unahang pagkakataon na muli akong tumapak sa labas ng mansion. Ito ang kauna-unahang pagkakataon na nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob na lumabas at damhin ang simoy ng hangin ng gabi. I love darkness but it is my first time stepping out of the mansion in the middle of the night.
I can't help myself to feel the excitement. I can even feel my cheeks turned flushed as I stared at the sky above. It was beautiful. It was lovely especially when you looked at it knowing that you're with someone else.
Agad akong dinala ni Levitticos sa parte ng mansion kung nasaan ang malawak na hardin. Ang kaninang paghangang nararamdaman ay mas lalong nadagdagan ng bumungad sa amin ang maraming maliliit na ilaw. The fireflies freely flying in the wide garden together with their little bulb. I looked at them with too much amusement.
Tonight, I felt like I was a lost child. A lost child who finally found the right way away from being lost.
"Thank you," Madamdamin kong pasasalamat sa taong nasa aking tabi.
Levitticos looked at me intently. He was smiling softly as he slowly cupped my face with his big yet soft palm.
"Anything," He whispered softly.
I can't help but to repay his warm smile. Sa gitna ng malamig na simoy ng hangin at madilim na kalangitan ay mas namutawi ang masarap at mainit na pakiramdam na unti-unting bumabalot sa aking damdamin.
Kahit ngayong gabi lang, I want to at least freed myself from my unfortunate memory. I want to at least let myself happy without worrying what will happen next. Kahit ngayon lang. Kahit ngayong gabi lang. Hahayaan ko muna ang sariling maging malaya sa nakaraang pilit akong binabalik-balikan.
Pwede naman 'yon hindi ba? Wala namang masama kung hahayaan ko muna ang sariling damhin ang masayang pakiramdam na ito? Hindi naman siguro masamang talikuran ko muna ang nakaraan kahit saglit lang?
"Levitticos," Mahina kong tawag sa pangalan ng lalaking ngayon ay nakatayo sa aking tabi.
Ang kanyang paningin mula sa nagliliwanag na mga alitaptap ay biglang bumaling sa akin dahilan para magtama ang aming mga paningin. Nakayuko na siya sa akin ngayon habang ako naman ay nakatingala sa kanya.
"Hmm..." He hummed gently.
I let out a heavy sigh first before opening my mouth. "I don't know if it's too much to ask, but..." A small smile plastered on my lips, "Can you please guide me to stand up?" my voice came out almost like begging.
He didn't say a word but he silently offered his right hand for me. Wala na akong sinayang na oras at tinanggap na ang kamay na nakalahad sa aking harapan. Nang mahawakan, ay maingat niya namang pinulupot sa aking bewang ang isang malaya niyang kamay.
Agad kong naramdaman ang kakaibang pakiramdam sa aking tiyan dahil sa kanyang ginawa. Pero imbis na pansinin ang bagong pakiramdam sa akin, agad ko itong iniwaksi at nagpanggap na parang walang nangyari. I don't know what's that feeling was all about but only one thing that was cross in my mind. I don't liked it and I don't know if I will even like it.
"Thank you," I silently said to thank him.
I closed my eyes as I felt the cold wind yet it gives me a warm feeling inside. I can even feel my long night gown and my long straight hair dancing together with the night wind. A warm smile suddenly appeared on my lips.
Ilang minuto rin ang lumipas na nasa ganon kaming posisyon. Levitticos who suddenly become my other feet for me to stand up and me who silently letting this night be memorable.
This night might have appeared as a normal night to others but for me this is much beyond normal. It may sound overreacting but this night was extraordinary, a phenomenal one.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na kaming nananatili rito sa hardin. But all I know is that I felt at ease. Na para bang wala akong masamang alaala na paulit-ulit akong binabalik-balikan. Na para bang isa ako sa mga taong normal na walang ibang iniisip kung hindi ang susunod na mangyayari kinabukasan.
I want to capture everything. From the little lights that were given by the carefree little fireflies, to the night sky above that was lit by the half moon together with the stars, and to the first person who always offered me his sincerity.
I want to remember every little details about these night. I want to bury this memory into the deepest of my mind that whatever circumstances might come, I will never forget about this night.
I may sound pathetic but these night was one of the most memorable night I ever had. Wala man kaming ibang ginawa kung hindi ang tahimik lang na titigan ang maliwanag na kalangitan at mga malayang nagliliwanag na mga alitaptap na patuloy sa paglipad sa aming harapan, ngunit hindi ko maitatanggi ang sobrang sayang nararamdaman.
Four years ago, I never did anything for the happiness to envelope me. I did nothing but stay myself hidden in the middle of darkness. But I never felt sorry for myself nor regret every decision I made before.
Keeping myself hidden away from the people, it somehow taught me some lessons. I learnt every little detail about people's personality. I learned how to differentiate the pure and impure, the genuine and mockery, and the real and unreal.
It also teaches me that you don't need a partner to be able to live your life in this world. You, yourself are already enough to breathe properly.
Pero 'yun ang akala ko. Akala koy mas pipiliin kong malagutan ng hininga ng walang kahit niisa sa aking tabi. Akala ko'y ayos lang sa aking walang kasama sa pang-araw-araw kong buhay.
But when my path cross with this man bedside me, everything suddenly changed. Ang kagustuhan kong mawala ng maaga sa mundong ito ay biglang naglaho. Hindi ko alam kung paano nangyari 'yon, basta ang alam ko lang ay parang biglang nagbago ang lahat ng pananaw ko sa buhay.
I want to breathe more. I want to enjoy my life more...
"I never thought a moment like this will ever come," I suddenly uttered, breaking the silent na siyang naghahari sa buong paligid kanina pa.
When I didn't hear even a single word from Levitticos, it was my indicator to continue speaking.
"I never thought I still have the courage to let myself step outside from that huge mansion," Huminga ako ng malalim, patuloy pa ring dinadama ang sariwang hangin mula sa malamig na gabi, "Akala ko'y tuluyan na akong malulugmok sa madilim na kwartong 'yon na hindi man lang nakakaapak muli sa lupa..." I continued, "I still prefer my first choice, though." tumawa ako ng mahina, trying to pushed away my shaking voice.
Halos maduwal ako sa aking pagkakaupo nang biglang nabalot ng mainit na bagay ang aking malamig na kamay. Agad bumalot sa maliit kong kamay ang malaki at mainit na palad ni Levitticos. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sariling tingalain siya habang nakadunkwang naman siya sa akin ng bahagya.
"Zynelle..." Mahina niyang banggit sa aking pangalan, "Free yourself,"
"How?"
"I know I don't have the right to say these words, but..." Huminga muna siya ng malalim bago marahan na ngumiti sa akin, "I know its hard for you to forget about that night. That's is why, don't forget about the past, instead make it your lesson. Make it your inspiration to move forward even more. And make it your guide to face the tomorrow, the next day, even in the future." He pressed my hand softly.
"Alam kong wala ako sa tamang lugar para sabihin ito sa'yo, pero gusto kong tanawin ang 'yong likuran habang hinahakbang mo ang daan sa kasalukyan. Paghakbang na walang ibang nararamdaman kung hindi kaginhawaan. Paghakbang na walang ibang baon kung hindi masayang ngiti sa mga labi."
As he was saying those words, I can't control my heart beats anymore. My heart was beating as fast as the kangaroo running for her life. It was beating so fast yet I didn't feel like suffocating.
"I want to witness you moving forward without feeling any burden, Zynelle." He continued as he let go of my hand, the reason for me to feel a little frustrated. Pero sandali ko lang 'yong naramdaman when he gently cupped my face with his warm hands. "I want to walk with you..."
***