It's still 5:32 am in the morning and here I am, fighting the urge not to make a commotion.
I was silently watching my self proclaimed butler as he was doing something — clearly, it's nonsense like his existence — freely in my room. And as I watched him longer and longer I could not help but open my mouth para punain siya.
"It's ugly," I commented, pertaining to his work.
"Good morning, Zynelle." Maligalig niyang bati sa akin na ikinakunot ng aking noo.
"What's good in the morning if the first thing my eyes saw was your face?" I asked humorlessly.
"Grabe ka naman sa mukha ko, Zynelle. Kung makapuna ka parang mukha itong basahan."
"Mukha ka naman talagang basahan. Tanga na lang ang tatawag sayong gwapo ka,"
Narinig ko ang kanyang malakas na pagtawa habang nakatalikod pa rin sa akin at inaasikaso ang maliit na tent na itinatayo niya malapit sa aking bintana.
"Kung mukha akong basahan, ikaw naman mukhang paa." Balik bato niya na sa akin.
"Y-You!" I shouted in frustration.
"Oh, easy lang madame. Ikaw itong nauna ikaw pa itong galit. Asar talo ka talaga,"
For the past three months staying here, being my personal butler, taking care of me, alam ko na lahat ng pasikot-sikot sa bituka ni Levitticos. The first expression that I thought of him, — being serious, humourless, and a solemn being — all of it is not true. But the truth is, my first expression to him was the opposite of his attitude. He was bubbly, a playful one, and a light-hearted person. It was like he was the light of his own. A light that can bring you along with him away from the dark.
The light that can make your life colourful again. A light that can make your fake smile into a genuine grin. And a light that can show you what's the real meaning of life.
Pero hindi ko pa rin nakikita ang sariling maglakad sa ilalim ng nakakasilaw na liwanag. Na kahit ilang beses na ako nitong pilit hinihila kasama niya ay hindi ko pa rin magawang ihakbang ang sariling mga paa.
Unlike Levitticos, I am the darkness on my own.
Light and darkness were enemies with each other. They're like dogs and cats, they can't get along together. If the two of them were to collide, they could burn and hurt each other. It was like the two parties were bound to be opponents at the very beginning.
Every human being has the right to know what path they're going to choose. It's either the path that has the presence of light, or the pathway that there's nothing you could see and feel but the absence of the light.
And I am one of those human beings who choose to walk the gloomy way without anyone at my side but I myself. I choose this path not because I want other people's pity. Not because I want their unauthentic concern. But because I don't want to drag everyone in my own mess, in my own misery.
But Levitticos — the sun of his own — kept on dragging me to his own world that's full of life. He kept on pulling me to his own light. Nakakasilaw, para ako nitong nasusunog. We didn't match. That's all I could ever say.
"Your work is so pangit," I commented while looking at the small tent that was neatly standing in front of my wide window.
"You're so demanding, madame. Before you puna-puna my work make sure you tulong-tulong me." May pang-aasar ang tuno ng kanyang boses, napalabi ako.
"You're the worker here and I'm your boss. I have the right to be demanding especially when I don't like your works." Mataray ko siyang inirapan nang tumingin siya sa akin. Narinig ko ang nakakaasar niyang tawa kaya bumaling ulit ako sa kanya na may kasamang nakakamatay na tingin.
"Noon, kahit ilang beses pa kitang asarin hindi mo man lang ako kayang bigyan ng masamang tingin. Habang ngayon, kung nakakamatay lang ang tingin, siguro nakabulagta na ang matipuno kong katawan sa sahig simula noong pumasok ako dito bilang tagapangalaga mo." Naiiling niyang sabi na para bang isa ito sa nakasanayan naming dalawa.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita sa narinig mula sa kanya. What does he mean about before? Bakit parang kilalang-kilala na niya ako noon pa? Do we know each other? Did I met him before? Kaya ba parang pamilyar sa akin ang mga mata niya?
But the shape of his eyes isn't really that rare. I already encountered some people with the same eye shape as him. At isa pa, baka pinagloloko lang ako nito. Mukha pa naman siyang clown sa sarili niya.
Pero hindi ko rin pwedeng ipagkaila na para bang pamilyar din sa akin ang kanyang presensya. Na para bang naramdaman ko na ito noon pa. His presence is somehow familiar yet unfamiliar...
"May problema ba?" agad akong nakaahon sa 'di kalalimang pag-iisip nang biglang magsalita si Levitticos. Hindi ko siya sinagot, bagkos ay tinaasan ko lamang ito ng kilay.
"I want to go to the bathroom," agad kong ani nang akma siyang tatalikod sa akin para tuluyang tapusin ang ginagawa.
"H-Ha?" Hindi ko alam kung saan ang nakakagulat sa sinabi ko para matigalgal siya sa kanyang pagkakatayo.
"Kalikasan is now calling for me," I added in an obvious tone.
Halos umikot na ang aking mga mata ng bigla siyang tumalikod sa akin at sinapo ang namumulang mukha. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanya ngayon pero wala akong pakialam! I need to go to the bathroom, and that's all! I don't care about his d*mn mind if he had one.
"What now, Levitticos?!" Naiinip na talaga ako. Gusto na niyang lumabas!
Bumaling ulit ito sa akin at mas lalong namula ang kanyang mukha. "T-Tatawag muna ako ng isang k-katulong," Kandautal niyang sagot sa akin.
Mas lalong nangunot ang aking noo, "What? Are you seriously saying that? Can't you feel that I need to go to the bathroom as soon as possible?!"
"Z-Zynelle, hindi pa ako handa sa ganito," Sagot niya na para bang doon nakadepende ang kanyang buhay.
"Ha?" Nalilito kong tanong. "What the hell are you talking about?!" I shouted in frustration.
He was about to open his mouth to spit some nonsense again but I didn't let him. Sawang-sawa na ako sa mga kalokohan niya. Kaya napapaisip na lang ako minsan kung bakit siya ang kinuha ng old lady na iyon! Pareha silang iniinis lang ako!
"Fine! I'll do it myself!" I shouted my lungs out out of too much frustration.
But before I could let my weak body touched the floor of my room, a strong arm lifted me in a bridal style. Hindi na ako umalma at nagpatianod na lang sa pagkakabuhat niya. Nang tuluyan niya na akong maipasok sa loob ay nakahinga na ako ng maluwag. Finally!
Akmang ibababa ko na sana ang suot na short ng bigla na lang akong napatigil dahil hindi man lang gumalaw si Levitticos sa kanyang pagkakatayo. Nandoon siya sa parte ng bathroom hindi kalayuan sa akin.
"What are you still doing here?" Nakakunot noo kong tanong sa kanya.
"Ha? Hindi ba't ako ang maglilinis sayo pagkatapos mong ilabas lahat?" Nagtataka niyang baling sa akin, mas lalong namula ang kanyang mukha.
Hindi agad ako nakasagot sa kanyang sinabi dahil sa pagkalito. But when it finally hit me, ramdam ko ang biglaang pamumula ng aking sariling mukha.
"W-What the h*ll are you talking a-about?"
"Hindi ba ganun naman talaga ang ginagawa ng mga katulad ko sa amo nila? 'Wag kang mag-alala, Zynelle, hindi naman ako maarte." Sabi niya sabay thumbs up pa. "Though, I'm not yet ready for this kind of work."
Yes, this is his first time sending me here inside the bathroom. Kasi sa tuwing tinatawag ako ng kalikasan noon ay mas pinipili ko ang mga babaeng katulong namin. But this time, I can't hold it any longer just to wait for the lady maid. At isa pa, nandito na siya mismo sa loob ng kwarto ko, hindi na kailangan pang magtawag ng iba. What's the used of him being my personal butler if I can't command him?
Umingos ako sa narinig, "Who in their right mind lets other people watch them poop?"
"Sa mga pelikula?" Patanong niyang sagot sa aking tanong.
"Goodness! Don't you ever compare fiction to reality, Levitticos! Are you crazy?!" Naiinis na talaga ako. "Get out you, fr*ak. I can clean myself on my own!"
Walang lingon-likod siyang lumabas dito sa loob ng banyo ng maramdaman ang nagbabaga kong mga mata dahil sa inis. Halos mapaigtag pa ako sa pagkakaupo sa toilet bowl ng malakas niyang naisara ang pintuan ng banyo. This guy!
"Hindi mo ba talaga kailan ng tulong ko, Zynelle?" He asked again, for I don't know how many times now. He keeps on asking the same question the moment he steps his feet outside in this small room. And the longer I heard that question and his annoying voice, my irritation towards him got deeper and deeper.
I know it's not his intention to pissed the h*ll out of me but I can't hold my feelings. Every move he made was like an eyesore to me.
"You can open the door now. I'm done cleaning myself," Walang emosyong ipinaalam ko sa kanya. "And please bring me my sanitizer."
"Aye aye captain!" Malakas niyang sigaw mula sa labas. At hindi pa man nagdaan ang isang minuto ay binuksan na niya ang pintuan ng banyo at pumasok dala ang sanitizer na ipinag-uutos ko.
I was still sitting at the toilet bowl when he entered the small room. I opened my palm in front of him, telling him to put some sanitizer in it and he did. He gently pumped the sanitizer bottle pump in front of my hands.
After a minute sanitising my own bare hands, I raised my arms, telling him again to lift me. Nakuha niya naman agad ang ibig kong sabihin. He gently put me in his arms and lifted me in a bridal style again. I immediately hugged my two arms in his neck, supporting myself not to fall on the ground.
Hindi ko mapigilang pasekreto siyang amoyin dahil sa sobrang lapit ng mukha ko sa leeg niya. He smells was so good that I can't stop myself sniffing him more. His smell was like an expensive model of an expensive brands; addicting.
"Baka maubos amoy ko nyan, Zynelle." Natatawang sabi ni Levitticos dahilan para bumalik ako sa reyalidad.
I stiffened at his arms because of embarrassment. Kahit hindi ko nakikita ang sariling mukha, alam kong namumula ito dahil sa hiyang nararamdaman. I can't believe he just captured me sniffing on his scent! If I can just go back time, maybe I can stopped myself doing it. This is so embarrassing!
"W-What are you t-talking about, d*mmy?!" Pagalit kong asik, tinatago ang hiya sa likod ng kunwaring galit na emosyon.
"Sige lang, Zynelle 'wag kang mahiya. Amoyin mo lang ako. Alam ko naman kung ano ang nararamdaman mo. Sa gwapo ko bang 'to." Walang silbi niyang sagot sa akin.
Mas lalo akong namula sa narinig. "Who's sniffing who?" I asked again, acting like I did not something worth embarrassing.
Narinig ko ang malakas niyang tawa na pumuno sa tahimik kong silid. Mas lalo akong napasimangot dahil doon. He was teasing me for good. He likes teasing me and it really made my blood boiled in too much irritation.
I don't how much guts this guy had na kaya ako nitong kausaping parang hindi siya nagtatrabaho para sa akin. Na para bang magtropa lang kami sa kanto at sabay na nag-aabang ng taong hahamonin naming dalawa ng suntukan.
Levitticos was the only domestic worker in this household that can literally talk to me like I'm not the one who provides his sweldo. I always criticise him because I don’t like the way he talks to me but it seems like he never heard a single word from me. His face was just as hard as a cement!
And I hate myself for feeling comfortable at his presence sometimes. It was like I was slowly coming back from the light were I am before. Like he was the way for me to come back from my own world that I choose to left behind. And it frustrates me really hard that even though I'm trying so hard to build up my wall to be thicker than before, he really has the power to make it thin and make his way to my gloomy life.
Pero alam kung kahit na anong gawin niyang paraan para mahila ako sa ilalim ng liwanag kasama siya, hindi niya pa rin ako madadala. I already chose this path without even feeling any regret. I choose this path with my own will and I'll live my life with it without feeling even a little shame.
This is my life now. This is me now; a girl who'll always choose to stay in darkness and wait for her right time to come...
"Masarap ba? Ako nagluto nyan," Tanong sa akin ni Levitticos nang manguya ang pagkaing inihain niya para sa akin. I just nodded my head after swallowing the food I am chewing.
Gabi na at oras na para sa hapunan. Nandito kami ngayong dalawa ni Levitticos sa loob ng maliit na tent na itinayo niya kaninang umaga. Nasa bawat gilid kami nakaupo habang nasa gitna naman namin ang bed tray table na puno ng pagkain. He was sitting with his foot crossing with one another, while me, I was sitting with my feet straight in front of me, lots of pillow at my back as my support.
Hindi ko mapigilang tingalain ang bubong ng maliit na tent na 'to. I'm still amazed how he made the small glowing in the dark ballerina figures into a small chandelier.
I still remember how our conversation went earlier.
"What is this for?" I asked him, pertaining to the tent as he settled me down inside it.
"This is for you," He answered and gave me a soft smile.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked again, not contented with his previous answer.
"Sa tatlong buwan kong pagtatrabaho para sayo, Zynelle, I already figured out what you like and don't." He looked at me in the eyes, "You hate the light that was given by the things that can possibly light up, especially from the daylight." he gave my nose a little pinched. "And only love the light that was given by the night sky."
I was speechless for a second or two. I was about to open my mouth to say something but he didn't let me.
"Kaya naisipan kong itayo itong maliit na tent na ito rito malapit sa bintana ng kwarto mo, nang sa ganun ay mas mapagmasdan mo ng mabuti ang liwanag na hatid ng gabi." Pagkasabi niya no'n ay tumayo siyang muli. Hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa at pinagmasdan na lamang siyang tumayo at umalis sa aking harapan para patayin ang switch ng ilaw sa aking kwarto.
For the second time, I was speechless again. I can't imagine him being this attentive in paying too much attention to me. I can't imagine how he gave too much effort just to study the things that I liked and disliked. Sa lahat ng nagdaang mga butler sa aking kamay, he was the first and the only person who tried to understand my habit.
I hate to admit it, but it really melts me. I can feel a warmth touching my heart. I hated the feeling of it and at the same time I loved it.
Katahimikan ang bumalot sa madilim na apat ng silid ng aking kwarto. Kanina pa kami natapos sa aming hapunan ngunit imbis na magpahinga na ay mas pinili naming pagmasdan ang madilim ngunit maliwanag na kalangitan. The light that was given by the moon itself was serve as our light.
"Do you want to have a walk outside?" Agad napabaling ang aking atensyon sa katabi. His question really caught me off guard.
Am I that obvious that he can effortlessly read what I'm thinking?
Agad akong umiling bilang sagot sa tanong niya. As much as I want to go outside, I can't... No, I don't want to... I don't want him to walk the same path I am walking with. I am fine to be alone.
"Zynelle, look at me," He softly whispered when I didn't say a word. Ginawa ko ang gusto niya para lang salubungin ng maganda niyang mga mata. "Kahit isang beses lang..." He smiled gently. "...tahakin mong muli ang daan patungo sa sarili mong liwanag na noon ay iniwan mo... Sasamahan kita."
***