"Let me be your reason then..."
Inis kong sinabunutan ang sarili nang paulit-ulit ang mga salitang 'yung maglaro sa aking isipan. Ilang araw na ang nakaraan at hindi ko pa rin iyon matanggal sa aking sistema. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa tuwing binabalikan ko ang araw na sinabi niya ang mga katagang hindi ko inaasahan na manggagaling sa kanya ay parang may biglang hahaplos sa aking damdamin.
Senserong mga salita. 'Yun ang hindi ko naranasan mula sa ibang mga nagtatrabaho rito sa loob at labas ng mansion. They only saw me as their money source. And in order to have it, they need to served me. Yes, they served me but not as genuine as how my new butler treated me.
But I should not let my guard down. Just like how I did when my first ever butler showed me some kindness. She's really sweet, really cares for me. She showed me how sincere she is with her actions towards me. She is always there, standing on her own for me and she always get a fights for me to be protected by the people who always laugh at me.
I'm almost near the light but at the end of the day, I saw myself still bending in the dark.
She betrayed me. She only need some time to get me around her fingers and she did succeed in her plan. Ilang milyon ang nanakaw niyang pera mula sa akin. It was a shame because I was partly at fault of it. I gave her the access of my bank account that I should not have done. And aside from the money, halos lahat ng mga iniingatang alahas ni mommy ay nawala rin, kinuha niya.
After that incident, I built the barrier to my feelings even thicker. I became wiser. Mas lalo akong naging mapag-obserba sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. Hindi na ako madaling naniniwala sa mga mabulaklak nilang mga salita. I can't just give my trust to the people I barely know again, like how I trust my first butler before.
I hate betrayal. That's the worst feeling I've ever experienced since I came into this state. I never thought that I would experience being betrayed by the people around me. I never thought I would be used by their bad intentions. But good thing, as time passed by, I am now used to it already. I can't feel any pain anymore.
I guess that's how life works. People will show you kindness, and when you're already too attached to them, caring for them as a treasure family, they'll still betray you in the end.
Life really sucks.
Gusto kong matawa sa sarili habang inaalala ang panahong 'yon. Kung noon ay nakakaramdam ako ng kirot sa dibdib 'pag bigla na lang 'yung sasagi sa aking alaala, ngayon naman ay natatawa na lang ako.
Kung pwede lang sanang ibalik ang mga luha kong nasayang dahil lang sa manggagamit na taong 'yun, baka noon ko pa ginawa. Sayang lang ang mga luha ko, ginto pa naman ang mga 'yon!
Tahimik lang akong nakatitig sa family picture namin. It was a picture of me, my mom, and dad. The picture was taken before the accident happened. Dad was wearing his usual suit with a small smile on his face, while mom was wearing a flowy white dress with a beautiful smile as she is already.
My free hand was slowly stroking their faces through the frame until it stopped to the image of a teenager standing at the centre of her parents. She was standing gracefully, wearing a Swan Lake tutu dress, with her proud, sweet smile that always plastered on her face and the smile that always captured everyone's heart around her.
She looks so good. She looks so peaceful. She looks so happy. She looks so innocent. Innocent of what will happen next after her performance... Her last performance...
Wala sa sariling ibinalik ko ang litrato sa aking bedside table kung saan ito nakalagay palagi. I stared at the wall blankly. If ever... If ever my parents let me die with them. Will it still be difficult for me to live like this? Of course not, right? Maybe I am with them now, peacefully sleeping in our own coffins.
I let out a heavy, relieved sigh as the night sky covered my whole eyesight. This is what I've been waiting for for the whole boring day. The night... The darkness to come and eat the light that was given by the sun.
The darkness is the only thing that can give me calmness. The darkness is the only thing that can assure me my safety. It was the only thing that gave me comfort. Pathetic it may be, but I'd rather walk alone in the middle of the dark than walk with someone else under the bright light from the sun.
Every time I was trying to bring my own self to the light, I felt like I was burning. It felt like everytime its touches my skin, I've got bruises from it. I felt like we could not get along with each other. It's as if I have an allergy to the light at ito rin sa akin.
Mariin akong napapikit nang bigla na lang bumukas ang buong ilaw ng aking kwarto. Dali-dali kong tinabon sa aking buong katawan ang makapal kong kumot. Para akong may lahing bampira na 'pag nasisinagan ng iba't-ibang klase ng liwanag ay masusunog ako at maging dahilan ng pagkitil ng sarili kong buhay.
Ilang minuto akong nasa ganoong posisyon, hindi na binigyang pansin ang lapastangan na basta na lang pumasok sa kwarto ko. And what's worse? The fr*ak really had the guts to turn on the lights!
"Dinner is ready," I heard the baritone voice from my butler. I only answered him with an annoyed whimper.
Nang hindi pa rin ako lumalabas sa pagkaka-talukbong sa sariling kumot, bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang paghila niya sa aking paa palabas sa makapal na tela. But before he could successfully grab my whole body out of the fabric, I kicked his thing down there without even thinking twice.
It might hurt so much because I heard his whimpered and silent curses. I can't stop myself from laughing silently but when I realised na tumawa ako ng lingid sa aking kaalaman, I cleared my throat as loud as I could.
"You deserve that," Mataray kong sabi.
"A-ano?" He snapped, still with his aching voice, "P-Paano kapag hindi na ako magkaanak nito?"
"Good for the kid. Hindi ka niya magiging ama,"
"Sh*t!" He shouted, "Gusto ko pang ipamana ang kakisigan ko," nasasaktan pa rin niyang reklamo, ngunit ngayon may kasama ng bagyo.
I rolled my eyes even though I know he can't see me from doing it, "It was your fault for being pathetic. And let me remind you, you're not that handsome as you see your own self,"
"Ha!" I heard him scoffed, "Hindi mo lang kayang tanggapin na mas gwapo pa ako sa mga lalaking nakasayaw mo na sa stage noon," ayaw niya talagang magpatalo.
I pouted because of annoyance, "Gumising ka na aking alipin, gabi na at baka bangungotin ka pa dahil sa mukha mong mukhang kulangot ng aso,"
"Ohemge, you're so baboy," Maarte niyang asik, ginagaya pa ang boses ng isang babae.
Hindi ko na mapigilan ang tumawa ng malakas sa ilalim ng kumot. I even wiped my fakes tears as my laughter became louder. I didn't know he has this kind of side, funny and witty.
"You laugh," Narinig ko ang namamanghang boses ni Levitticos sa labas ng aking kumot. Napatigil ako bigla.
Gusto kong sampalin ang sariling katangahan. No way! No way! No way! This can't be happening, right? Tell me I didn't laugh. Tell me I didn't laugh!
Why? Why do I let my guard down? Bakit ako nagpadala sa kanya? Hindi ito pwede. Ayaw ko na. I don't want to be attached again by someone I didn't related.
Alam kong sanay na ako. Hindi na ako nakakaramdam ng sakit kahit pa ilang beses akong gawing tanga. Kahit pa ilang beses akong gamitin. Kahit pa ilang beses paglaroan ang aking damdamin. Pero kahit ganun ay nakakapagod din pala. Hindi na ako nasasaktan pero napapagod din ako.
"Zynelle," Mahinang tawag niya sa pangalan ko. I didn't answer him.
Ang gusto ko lang na gawin niya ngayon ay umalis na sa kwarto ko. Na iwan na akong mag-isa rito. Na pabayaan na lang akong magmukmok sa apat na sulok ng malungkot na kwartong ito.
"I'm sorry," Nabigla ako sa susunod niyang sinabi.
Bakit siya humihingi ng tawad? May nagawa ba siyang mali? May gagawin pa?
Unless, all of this is part of his act. Siguro ngayon pa lang ay humihingi na siya ng kapatawaran sa akin para sa susunod niyang maging hakbang. Hindi ko kailangan ng sorry niya. Wala akong kailangan mula sa kanya.
If he really planning something, I don't really care. Baka nga suportahan ko pa siya sa gagawin niya.
"Zynelle, I'm sorry. Nataponan ko ng tubig ang kama mo," Naputol ako sa pag-iisip sa biglaan niyang pag-amin. Natutop ako sa aking pagkakahiga. What did he just say?!
"Y-You!" Nanggagalaiti kong sigaw sa lalaking nasa labas ng aking kumot. "Get out!"
"Z-Zynelle, hindi ko naman s-sinasadya," Hindi ko alam kung natatawa ba siya o ano.
But I don't care. How dare he spill water on my lovely bed!
"Umalis ka sa pamamahay ko at 'wag ka nang bumalik pa rito!" Ramdam na ramdam ko ang sariling galit para sa tangang lalaking kasama ko dito sa aking kwarto.
"Ito naman. Maliit lang naman ang pagkakabasa, Zynelle."
"Wala akong pakialam. You're fired!"
"Kain ka muna, Zynelle. Gutom lang 'yan," He was teasing me!
"I don't wanna," Umiling pa ako na para bang nakikita niya ako ngayon. "Just get out of my room. Bring the food with you. And don't forget to turn off the switch." Parang batang pagmamaktol ko habang sinasabi ang mga salitang 'yun.
I thought he will going to obey me but I was wrong. Clearly wrong. Rinig na rinig ko ang bawat yabag ng mga paa niya. I don't have the idea what he was going outside of this thick fabric.
Wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang pakiramdam ang bawat ingay ng mga paa niya. I'm now readying myself for his next move. Baka maramdaman ko na lang sa sariling nag-aapoy dahil sinusunog na niya pala ako!
Magsasalita na sana ulit ako para palayasin siya sa mansion ng maramdaman ko na lang ang pagsampa niya sa aking kama. Kahit nanghihina ang katawan, wala sa sariling napaupo ako, nakatabon pa rin sa akin ang kumot.
"Umalis ka nga!" I tried pushing him away from my bed but his reflexes are way too fast than mine.
Mahigpit ngunit hindi masakit ang pagkakahawak niya sa dalawa kong kamay. Sinubukan ko itong bawiin sa kanyang ngunit hamak na mas malakas siya sa akin.
"Let go of my hands, fr*ak!" I shouted in frustration.
But he didn't listen, instead, he pushed himself inside of my blanket, facing me with his serious face. Nakatagilid ang aking katawan habang nakaharap ang mukha ko sa kanya.
That stopped me from my tantrum.
I stopped not because I am afraid of his seriousness. I stopped because of shocked. Our faces was only an inch away from one another. Kapag may isang magkamaling gumalaw sa amin ay panigurado na magdidikit ang mga labi namin sa isa't-isa.
Because of our position right now, I can clearly examine his face more closely. His dark, monolid eyes. His thick eyebrows. His pointed nose. His attractive chiselled jawline... My eyes suddenly stopped at his natural reddish lips. I wonder if his lips are as soft as my pillow?
Agad kong pinagalitan ang sarili gamit ang panloob kong boses. Oh my God, Malia. For pete's sake. Pull yourself together!
Ilang minuto rin kaming nagkakatitigan dalawa. I saw how his own eyes travelled all over my face. I unconsciously wiped my lips, checking if I still have saliva that has not been removed. Upon realizing my embarrassing move, ako na mismo ang umiwas ng tingin sa kanya.
Marahas kong tinulak ang mukha niya palayo sa akin. Pero imbis na mainis siya sa ginawa ko ay narinig ko pa ang mahina niyang tawa, inaasar ako! Bumaling ulit ako sa kanya at binigyan siya ng isang masamang tingin. How dare he laugh at me!
"I'll feed you," Bigla ay sabi niya.
Biglang kumunot ang aking noo sa tonong ginamit niya. From the tone of his voice, parang wala na akong pagpipilian kung hindi ang hayaan siyang gawin ang gusto niya. I hissed at him.
"There's no way in h*ll I'll let you," Asik ko agad sa kanya.
"Well, wala ka nang ibang pagpipilian since magkasama na tayong dalawa sa iisang kumot." Ang kaninang nakakainis niyang ngisi ay mas lumawak pa.
"Don't you dare!" May pagbabanta kong sagot sa kanyang sinabi.
Pero imbis na patulan pa ako ay bigla siyang gumalaw at tinalikuran ako. Wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang pagmasdan siya sa susunod niyang galaw. Bahagya niyang itinaas ang tela ng kumot na ngayon ay nasa kanyang harapan.
And using his right hand, kinuha niya mula sa labas ang isang bed tray table na naglalaman ng aking hapunan. When he finally got the bed tray table, he faced me again dahilan kung bakit nahulog muli ang telang kanina ay nakaangat dahil sa kanya.
"Kain ka na," Ang kaninang nakakaasar na ngiti ay hindi ko na nakikita sa kanya ngayon. Instead of his annoying smirk, a light smile was plastered on his face.
I remained my mouth shut, not planning on opening it again.
But this guy in front of me is so persistent, "Come on, Zynelle. Open your mouth already. Alam kong gutom ka na."
Wala na rin akong nagawa pa. Bahagya kong binukas ang aking bibig, tama lang na magkakasya ang kutsara. He gently put the spoon full of food in my mouth. His smile never leave on his face as he was watching me chewing my food.
"You should eat also," I suddenly said.
Halos mabitawan niya ang kutsarang hawak dahil sa aking sinabi. Tila isang nakakagulat na balita ang aking sinabi. Mas lalong nangunot ang aking noo ng unti-unting mamula ang kanyang tenga patungo sa kanyang mukha pababa sa kanyang leeg.
I don't know what he was thinking about for his face to become as red as a tomato. Is he thinking something lewd? Impossible! Our position didn't even looked like we did something like x-rated.
"You looked like a tomato. Are you sick?" I emotionlessly asked.
"A-Ah," Peke siyang natawa, marahang hinihimas ang kanyang batok. "K-Kumain ka na lang, Zynelle." Pag-iiba niya ng usapan.
"Saluhan mo ako, Levitticos. Hindi ko naman mauubos lahat ng iyan," My emotionless voice remains.
"Wala akong extrang kutsara na dala,"
"You can used the same spoon you used to feed me,"
"H-Ha?" Mas lalo siyang namula, "Alam mo bang kapag ginamit ko 'to parang... ano... parang..." Hindi niya matapos-tapos ang sasabihin.
"Just eat,"
Wala na rin siyang nagawa kung hindi pakainin ang sarili gamit ang nag-iisang kutsarang dala.
For the past four years after my parents d*ath. It's was the first time I ate with someone else beside me. Kahit si tita Mara at Manong Raol na siyang tanging nakakausap sa akin ng maayos ay hindi ko man lang nagawang imbitahan na samahan akong kumain.
I don't know what's gotten into me that I was the one who even invited him to eat with me. There's something that Levitticos possessed that everyone who works under this household didn't have. I may sometimes feel a strong feeling of dislike towards him, but I can't really fully hate him.
Naputol lang ako sa aking pag-iisip nang marinig ko ang mahina niyang boses.
"Don't play with my feelings like this, Zynelle."
***