The month ended well for me. It's quite difficult specially every time that we are having an actual cooking. Minsan ay madilim na ako nakakauwi ng bahay.
Like today, kanina pa ako nakatayo sa harap ng gate ng school pero wala pa rin si Kuya Jude. Malapit nang mag alas sais ng gabi. Dapat talaga ay sumabay na lang ako kay Ryken o kaya kay Xavier kanina nung inaya nila ako. Malay ko ba naman kasi na ngayon pa masisira yung kotse na ginagamit para sunduin ako.
I wave my hand around my face when mosquitoes are all over it. This is so annoying. I dialed Kuya Jude's number but it was unattended now.
Gosh
“May Ann?”
I look into my side when I heard someone called my name. I bit my lip when I saw Ranzell just a meter away from me. He is wearing a shirt and a jersey shorts. He walked closer to me. I looked away from him.
“Wala ka pang sundo?” he asked.
I nodded my head without looking at him.
“Yeah, pinapaayos pa yung sasakyan.”
Silence envelop the atmosphere. He remain standing on my side and I am still not looking at him.
Inis kong kinamot ang braso ko ng may kumagat na lamok doon.
“Pwede pahiram muna nito?” tanong niya habang nakaturo sa portfolio na hawak ko.
Tumaas ang kilay ko at nagtatakang tumingin sa kaniya.
“Why?” I asked.
Instead of answering me he took my portfolio out of my hold then started fanning it. My lips parted while looking at him. He chuckled when he noticed my reaction.
“Para hindi ka masyadong lamukin” he explained.
I slowly nod my head and averted my gaze.
“Matagal pa ba yung sundo mo?” he asked.
I looked at him and bit my lip. Maybe I am being a burden to him. Baka may pupuntahan pa siya.
“It's fine..” I said as I took my portfolio out of his hand. “You can leave. I can wait-”
“Ihahatid na lang kita pauwi” he said.
“Y-you don't have to. Pwede ka naman nang umuwi or whatever. I'm okay here.”
“Tapos iiwan kita dito?” he asked with a slightly annoyed tone.
“Gabi na, baka kung ano pa ang mangyari sayo dito.” he added.
I just looked away and didn't speak. Why is he so concern all of a sudden?
“Ihahatid na lang kita pauwi. Tara na?” he said then extend his hand to me.
I looked at him before looking down into his hand. Parang may sariling buhay ang mga kamay ko at inabot ang kamay niya. I keep my head down. I don't think I can look at him right now. For some reason my heart is beating out loud.
I bit my lip when I felt that he tightened his grip on my hand.
“Tumingin ka sa dinadaanan mo. Baka madapa ka dyan. Ang lampa mo pa naman.” natatawang sabi niya.
Kunot ang noo na nag angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. I pinch him on his side using my other hand. He flinch then glared at me.
“Masakit yun ah” he said.
I rolled my eyes at him.
“You deserve it” I muttered.
Naglakad kami papunta sa paradahan ng tricycle. He is holding my hand and pulling me while I am just following his way.
“What strand did you took again?” Dad asked while we are having dinner.
I drink my water first before answering.
“TVL-Home Economics po” I said then smiled.
“Home Economics? So HRM or food tech in college?” he asked.
I nodded my head at him. He smiled at me.
“I see” he said.
“Aren't you going to take a business course?”
I was a bit surprised when Mom spoke. Tahimik lang kasi siya kanina pa.
I bit my lip before answering.
“I...don't think so Mom. I mean...I want to pursue my cooking..-”
“Useless” she coldly said.
Natigilan ako at parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa narinig.
Useless?
“Allison...stop it. Let her be. She can take any track she wants.” Dad said.
“But it would be better if she will go on the same track as where the family belongs, Kevin. She should practice business so she can take over.” Mom argued.
Nanatili lang akong nakayuko ng tumulo na ang mga luha ko.
“I'm sure that if March is alive she will take business. Since she knows that Perez do belong in that track. Well, that because she's a real Perez, unlike her. Why am I so surprise?.”
“Allison, stop it” nananaway na sabi ni Dad.
Bago pa kumawala ang mga hikbi ko at pinili kong tumayo atsaka tumakbo papasok ng kwarto ko. Tears are streaming down my face as I bit my lip hard to prevent my loud cries.
Narinig ko pa ang pagtawag sa akin ni Dad but I didn't dare to look back at him. I even heard him arguing with Mom.
Ate March is dead and I am the one who live. I want to tell Mom that I am not Ate March but it was my fault why we lost her. It was my fault why she lost her daughter, her real daughter.
Nanghihina akong naupo at itinaas ang dalawang binti sa kama. Isinubsub ko ang aking mukha sa aking mga tuhod. Patuloy pa rin ang pag agos ng mga luha sa mata ko.
I miss you Ate. If only your here, this won't happen. Kung nandito ka lang sana baka mahal pa rin ako ni Mom. Kung buhay ka lang sana baka hindi ko kailangan maramdaman ang lahat ng ito.
Kung ako na lang sana ang nawala baka naging masaya pa kayo. Baka buo kayo, tutal kayo naman talaga ang pamilya. Kung hindi lang naman dahil sayo ay hindi ko pa mararanasan na magkaroon ng kapatid, kaibigan, at pamilya.
I lost you, Ate. And it hurts so badly that I also lost a mother. If only I can turn back time, I will change everything. Hahayaan ko na lang sana masagasaan ang laruan ko na iyon. Hindi na lang sana ako tumawid. Hindi ka na sana nawala.
I'm sorry Ate. Kung pwede ko lang gawin yun, gagawin ko. Kung pwede lang sanang ako na lang. Sana ako na lang, Ate March.
Sana ako na lang yung namatay.
As the end of July approaches, I feel more gloomy as days pass by. Ate March death anniversary is coming.
I am sitting at the back of the lib, just staring at nowhere. I came here because I want to be alone. France and the others are spending our vacant hours in the classroom and they are loud and noisy.
I want to have my piece of mind though my mind won't stop thinking about a lot of things. I sigh and just open my cookery book to read our upcoming lesson. I am reading it but I don't really understand it.
Nag angat ako ng tingin ng may biglang umupo sa harapan ko. Agad na sumama ang mukha ko nang makita kung sino siya.
“What do you want?” I asked.
He smile at me before shaking his head. My lips parted a bit before looking away when I felt my face hit up. Why does he keeps smiling?
“Anong binabasa mo?” tanong niya.
“My cookery book. Why?”
“Wala naman. Mahilig ka palang mag luto noh?”
I looked at him and nodded.
“Yeah, I used to cook with Nanay and Ate March before.”
His brows slightly furrowed.
“Ate March? May ate ka?”
“Yeah” I said in a dissmissive tone.
When the bell rang I immediately stood up and get my things. He helped me get my things and hand it to me.
“Thanks” I muttered before turning my back at him.
I instantly pulled my hand back when I felt a spark like feeling when his skin touches mine. My lips parted and I look up to him.
His brows were furrowed and he has this hurt expression on his face. I bit my lip and averted my gaze.
“Sorry” I muttered.
He sigh then look away. Hinawakan niya ang hikaw sa tenga atsaka tumango.
“Una na ako” he said before walking past me.
Nakagat ko ang labi at sinundan siya ng tingin habang naglalakad palayo. I shut my eyes tight and inhale a large amount of air.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I am walking with Carlo while going to the canteen. We are talking about the dish were gonna prepare at the end of this week. We happened to get paired up by Mam Elena for the activity.
“Sinong bibili ng ingredients?” he asked.
“Hindi ko kabisado ang palengke.” nakangiwing sabi ko.
Natawa naman siya atsaka pinisil ang pisngi ko. Naiinis kong tinabig ang kamay niya.
“Oo nga pala, rich kid nga pala ang Madam” he said teasingly.
Sinimangutan ko siya at sinamaan ng tingin.
“Don't call me that. Ikaw na lang ang bumili ng ingredients.” sabi ko.
“Ano pa nga ba?” naiiling na sabi niya.
We stop on our track when Ranzell block our way. Kinabahan ako sa paraan ng pag tingin niya sa akin. It's like I did something wrong.
“Pwede ba tayong mag usap?” he said while staring intently at me.
Napalunok ako at bahagyang sinulyapan si Carlo. Tumango siya atsaka nauna nang naglakad paalis.
Agad akong napaatras ng lumakad si Ranzell papalapit sa akin. Tumaas ang kilay niya ng mapansin ang ginawa ko pero hindi siya tumigil sa paghakbang. Wala rin akong tigil sa pag atras hanggang mapasandal ako sa dingding.
Nakatayo siya sa harapan ko at bahagyang nakayuko. Ako naman ay hindi makatingin sa diretso sa mga mata niya. Pilit kong pinapakalma ang puso kong kanina pa nagwawala.
Ano bang nangyayari?
Napasinghap ako ng mas lumapit siya. Agad na gumalaw ang kamay ko para itulak siya palayo. Kita ko ang gulat sa mga mata niya.
“Don't come near me” malakas na sabi ko dahilan para mapalingon sa amin ang ilang dumadaan.
When I turned to him, his face is emotionless. He staring at me with no emotion at all. Lalo akong kinabahan.
He took a step backwards, still looking at me. I bit my lip hard. He give me one last glance before walking away.
The moment he left I clutch my chest to calm myself down. What the hell is happening to me? Ano bang ginagawa niya sa akin? Nakakainis talaga siya.
When the weekend came I can't leave my room. Today is Ate March death anniversary. I am sure that Mom is in her room, drinking. Ganoon naman palagi ang ginagawa niya kapag dumadating ang araw na ito.
Kami lang ni Dad ang pumupunta sa puntod ni Ate pero hindi namin yun magagawa ngayon dahil may conference siya sa Japan ngayon.
I took out the guitar Ate March gave me. She's the one who taught me how to play. We used to sing together everytime. I lone tear fell from my eyes when I remember the old days.
I started strumming the guitar and close my eyes as the memories came rushing back into my mind.
I was once this lonely kid in an orphanage that Ate March family used to support. Sa tuwing pupunta sila roon ay naglalaro kami. Nagi kaming mag kaibigan, at parang naging magkapatid. Siya rin ang nagsabi kina Mom at Dad na gusto niya akong maging parte ng pamilya nila, na gusto niya akong maging kapatid.
Hindi masukat ng kahit na ano ang kasiyahan ko ng mga panahon na iyon. Natupad ang isa sa mga pangarap ko ng dahil kay Ate March. Sobrang saya namin noon. Sobrang bait nina Mom at Dad sa akin. Itinuring nila akong parang totoong anak.
Kaso lahat ng yun ay parang bula na naglaho ng mawala siya. Sa isang iglap naging ako ang pinakamumuhian na tao ni Mom. Nagbago ang lahat. Kasalanan ko, alam ko iyon.
Ako dapat ang masasagasaan, pero niligtas niya ako. Ako sana ang mamamatay at hindi siya. Ako dapat yun.
Sunod sunod na ang pag agos ng mga luha sa aking mukha. Hindi na rin mapigil ang mga hikbi kong pilit na kumakawala.
I am sorry Ate. Patawarin mo ako.
When the evening came, I went down to eat. I ate alone, it's suffocating.
“Nanay, kumain na po ba si Mama?” I asked.
Maliit siyang ngumiti sa akin atsaka umiling.
“Hindi pa, hahatiran ko na lang ng pagkain”
“Ako na lang po” prisenta ko.
“Sigurado ka ba?” tanong niya.
Ngumiti ako atsaka tumango.
“Opo, ikukuha ko lang po siya ng pagkain.”
Ipinaghanda ko ng pagkain ni Mama. Inilagay ko iyon sa isang tray atsaka ko iyon dinala sa itaas. Mahina akong kumatok sa pinto ng kwarto niya.
“Mom?” pagtawag ko.
Nang wala akong makuhang sagot ay dahan dahan kong binuksan ang pinto. Pumasok ako at nakita ko siyang nakatayo sa may veranda at umiinom.
“What are you doing here?” tanong niya at ininom ang alak sa baso.
“M-mom, you should eat first” sabi ko atsaka inilagay ang tray sa bed side table.
Naglakad ako papalapit sa kaniya.
“Mom, please eat first.” sabi ko.
“Get out” she coldly said.
Napalunok ako ng mangilid ang aking mga luha.
“M-mom” naiiyak na sabi ko atsaka yumakap sa kaniya.
“Don't touch me” sigaw niya atsaka ako tinulak dahilan para mapaupo ako sa sahig.
“You killed my daugther. You killed her” naghihisterical na sabi niya.
Her every words was like a dagger pierce into my heart for a couple of times.
“Get out. You killed my precious daughter” sigaw niyang muli.
Narinig ko ang pagpasok ni Nanay sa loob ng kwarto atsaka lumapit sa gawi ni Mom.
“Allison, tama na yan” Nanay said.
“Get her out Manang, she killed my daughter.” sigaw niyang muli.
Bago ko pa tuluyang ikamatay ang mga masasakit na salitang naririnig ko mula sa kaniya at tumakbo na ako palabas ng kwarto. Narinig kong tinawag pa ni Nanay ang pangalan ko pero hindi na ako lumingon.
Nanlalabo na ang mga mata ko pero patuloy lang ako sa pagbaba ng hagdan. Tumatakbo akong lumabas ng bahay atsaka tumakbo ng tumakbo palayo sa bahay na iyon.
My tears where blocking my eyesight so I can't see properly. Ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko at hindi na ako makahinga ng maayos. Pinilit kong patahanin ang sarili.
Pinunas ako ang mga luha sa pisngi at tinungo ang daan palabas ng subdivision namin. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Hindi ko naman pwedeng puntahan si Ricca ngayon dahil wala siya sa bahay nila. Si France naman ay masyadong malayo ang bahay sa amin. Hindi ko naman dala ang wallet at cellphone ko.
Maglalakad lakad muna ako tutal pamilyar naman ako sa lugar namin. Habang naglalakad ay may nadaanan akong isang covered court. Maraming tao doon, mukhang may naglalaro ng basketball.
Nakagat ko ang labi bago ako naglakad papalapit roon. Mga kabataan ang nandoon. I don't know anyone of them though. I made my way in between the people to see the game clearly.
It was really loud in here. People keep on cheering. I pursed my lips then looked around.
“RD!”
Napatingin ako sa court nang marinig ang isang pamilyar na pangalan. Nagulat ako ng makita si Ranzell na nakatayo sa loob ng court. His wearing a red jersey and a black shoes. Pinunas niya ang pawis na tumulo sa mukha niya. Basang basa na rin ng pawis ang buhok niya.
Pinasa sa kaniya nung isang lalaki ang bola. He was aiming for a three point when he suddenly looked my way. Nakita ko ang gulat sa mata niya ng magtama ang tingin namin.
Saglit siyang natigilan bago nag iwas ng tingin at tinira ang bola. He shook his head when it went out. His brows were furrowed when he looked at my way again.
I pursed my lips. It wasn't my fault.
I watched him as he walk over to the bench. Tapos na yung laro at natalo yata sila. Maraming pumaligid sa kanila, lalo na ang mga babae. I didn't know that he has a lot of friends. Mukha namang hindi sila galing ng Holy Heart.
“Olats pre, bat di pumasok yung bola?” tanong nung isang player kanina.
Umiling siya habang pinupunas ng tuwalya ang buhok. I just keep standing over there.
“Tumingin ka lang sa dun sa chicks na nakatayo sa gilid kanina, bigla ka nang sumablay.”
I pursed my lips. I have a feeling that he is talking about me.
“Nasaan?”
“Ayun oh”
I looked over their way to see the guy pointing his finger at me. When he saw me looking, he waved his hands at me.
I smiled at him before looking away. When I looked at Ranzell he has this annoyed expression.
“Kilala mo ba siya RD?” tanong nung isang babae.
I bit my lip and looked at him again. He stared at me then a smirk slowly made it's way to his lips.
“Hindi, sino ba iyan?” he said.
Natigilan ako at bahagyang umawang ang labi. Hindi, sino ba iyan? I don't know why but I felt a pang in my chest. He denied me. Such a liar.
I lower my head when a lone tear fell from my eyes. Tumalikod ako sa gawi nila atsaka naglakad paalis. Narinig ko pa ang ilang bulong bulungan nila pero nanatili akong nakayuko habang naglalakad palabas ng court.
He's such an annoying asshole.
Ipagpapatuloy...........