- MAXENE -
"So I heard that you and your boyfriend finally broke up." My mother is drinking her tea as always. We're in the mansion and I'm glad that she's not here yesterday, baka mas bungangaan niya lang ako kung nagkataon.
I sighed, "Well, you got what you wanted Mom." I couldn't help to speak without a little sarcasm in my voice as she meets my eyes. Since she found out that I'm going out with a guy who is less fortunate than me, kaagad naman niya itong kinontra umpisa pa lang. Kesho raw in the long run pera lang ang habol sa akin ng boyfriend ko, o para mabilis na umangat ang social status niya kaya niya ginawang girlfriend ang isang katulad ko. I don't know what else she has to say, but she got what she wanted. Kenzo left me for good.
"I didn't want this to happen to you Maxene," mom answered as refined as she could be, "I just told you what you need to know. Boys like that are just up for your pretty face, money, and pride. I just let you explore for a while, since you wanted a little freedom of your own, right?" a thin line forms at her lips as she wipes it with a napkin, "What was that you told me," she pauses, "Ah, that you're not a child anymore." I look away from her cold stare, "But then look at you, broken from that boy who gives you nothing." hindi totoo iyon. Mahal ako ni Kenzo, pinatunayan niya iyon sa akin. The three years we have, it was real. "Kulang na lang ibuhos mo ang lahat sa kanya, but then where did it got you?" parang sampal sa akin ang mga salitang binibitawan ni mommy, napakalamig niyang magsalita, "You once told me that his intentions were true, but why did he choose to leave you?" malamig niyang tanong sa akin na dahilan kung bakit mas pinili ko na lang kagatin ang ibabang labi ko para hindi makapagbitaw ng hindi kaaya ayang mga salita, "Maxene, the world isn't a fairytale. He's not some commoner who could wish for a genie to marry a princess."
"He loves me, Mom," my voice almost broke, "He promised me..."
"But then he broke it, right?" she planted a kiss on my forehead, "Dear daughter, if you think I'm overbearing, that's just because I'm protecting you." hindi ko alam kung paano tutugunan ang mga sinasabi sa akin ni mommy. Dahil miski ako hindi pa rin ako naniniwala na basta basta na lang akong iiwan ni Kenzo ng ganoon. May dahilan siya. Lagi namang ganoon. I know him.
Maybe I'll use this second chance of my life to look for acceptable answers to why he chose to leave me.
"Now, will you now accept my plans for you, Anak?" mom asks, pulling me back to my reality.
"Can I still say no?" I asked her and immediately a small smile formed on her face.
"Have you thought about considering it?" she asked again, I think what she wants to hear from me is the word 'yes Mom' tulad ng nakagawian, "Why even doubt, I perfectly find some few good men for you."
"You mean, bugaw Mom." again, hindi ko mapigilan maging sarcastic at matipid siyang natawa sa nasabi ko.
"If this is called bugaw Maxene, you wouldn't be here," Mom started, "Like you, I also have dreams of my own, but I was engaged at a very young age." I hate this story. "You weren't planned, but you're here. You're alive," mom added, "Kung hindi dahil sa'yo anak, malamang I'm a successful model or actress." napapikit na lang ako sa sentimiyento ni mommy, bakit ba hindi pa ako nasanay? She's pouring all her frustrations at me. At dahil hindi naman talaga ako planado mabuo noon, lahat ng pangarap niya bago magkaanak, naudlot. All because of me and my damn existence.
"Do I really have to shoulder this Mom?" I asked her, almost pleading with her that she won't push me to do this.
But her answer still remains the same, "You have to Maxene, you're a Campbell, you take pride in your family's name. You're an heiress and as my eldest daughter, soon you'll take over our family's business. Be a role model for Maxwell and Beatrix." Business na lang lagi, bakit kasi hindi na lang kami malugi? She called Joanne; her right hand and ordered her to give her the files she needed to show me, "In these envelopes are potential prospects for your future fiance, I let Joanne do all the research. They all came from wealthy and respectable families in the country," I see five folders on top of the table, "You can choose one Maxene." inilahad ni mommy ang kamay niya na para akong namimili ng damit na babagay sa akin.
"Actually I don't really care who you'll pick," I said, almost hiding my disrespectful tone, I just don't care anymore.
"Okay then, what about prospect number one?" Mom takes one envelope but before she opens it; natalisod si Natasha pagkalapit niya kay mom. Ngayon ko lang ata nakitang pumalpak si Natasha sa harapan ni mommy.
"I'm very sorry Madam." ani Natasha at halos lahat ng files na nasa table ay nabasa, "Let me get that for you."
Mom raises her hand, that only means stop. "Leave Natasha." mariin at iritableng ani mommy na dahilan kung bakit agad na rin umalis si Natasha.
*****
DAYS PASSED BY and I'm following the usual routine that my Mom plans for me. Mula pagkagising ng umaga hanggang sa pagtulog, lahat naka-schedule. Kulang na lang pati paghinga ko, pag-ihi ko, pagdumi ko, may bilang. OA kung OA, but I'm sick and tired of this routine.
Maybe I'm no longer that goody good girl anymore. That Maxene was gone for good, dahil pati siya, napagod nang makisama sa akin. What the hell happened to me?
I tried dating other guys from Mom's prospects in search of my fiance, but none of them worked for me. Maybe because I just know guys who'll just use me as their trophy girlfriend or just a pass-time girlfriend. Kahit na I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm still being picky. Ibubugaw na nga lang ako, kung sino-sino pa ang pipiliin ko? Funny! I'm not into speed dating, but hey, this situation fits.
Based on Mom's requirements, the guy must be single. The guy must come from a wealthy family. The guy must be smart. The guy must be graduating or currently studying in a prestigious school and the guy must be open-minded enough to be my fiance. I will always be my mother's doll, that fact alone is what cages me. Ano pa mang klaseng fiance ang mapunta sa akin, they will surely answer to Mom. Bakit hindi na lang siya ang makipag-engage kung ganoon lang? Again, funny!
However there's this one moment when I went out a date with a different guy and I saw Kenzo across the street. Para lang mapuntahan siya, kinailangan ko pang magsinugaling sa ka-date ko telling him na kailangan ko ng umuwi, na masama ang pakiramdam ko; any lie will do. Basta kailangan ko lang makausap si Kenzo.
Sinundan ko siya kung saan siya pupunta, but what surprises me is when I see my dear Mother having a talk with him. From then, I knew that my suspicions were right. Nilapitan ko sila at nakita ko kung paano nasorpresa si Kenzo na makita ako ulit matapos niyang makipaghiwalay sa akin. "Mom, what's the meaning of this?" I asked mom first. Mamaya kami mag-uusap ni Kenzo. Unfortunately, Mom didn't answer me as if she's guilty of what I'm thinking about this set-up. I'm sure behind those cold eyes was the truth that she's keeping Kenzo away from me. Since hindi naman ako sinasagot ni Mom, bumaling ang atensyon ko kay Kenzo, "Can we please talk?"
"I'm busy," he says submissively. His reason is getting on my nerves dahil paulit-ulit niya itong idinadahilan sa akin para lang iwasan ako.
"So when aren't you busy?" muli kong tanong sa kanya, "Mamaya? Bukas? Sa isang araw? Kailan? Maghihintay ako." I'm always waiting for you Ken. I'm always willing to wait for you. Kita sa mga mata niya ang matinding lungkot, pait at sakit.
"I can't see you anymore Max. I'm sorry," he said, almost holding back his feelings for me.
"Why, because Mom is here?" I looked at Mom but the only thing she does is sigh as if she's not involved, "Mom, please tell me I'm wrong." I pleaded, at least I should give her the benefit of the doubt. She won't go this far, right? Mom only looks at me and in her eyes, I see that cruel version of her that will do anything to keep things in order.
"Kapag sumama ka sa kanya ngayon, hindi magiging madali ang buhay mo Maxene." her words serve as an ultimatum. I looked at Kenzo and I saw that his heart was torn apart. He is suffering like me. He still loves me.
"Ken." I hold his hand and immediately his eyes look at mine, please tell me to go with you, I'll go with you. I know that he can see through me, I know he's-
"I'm sorry Maxene, but your mother is right,"mapait na nginitian niya ako at pumikit siya na parang kinikimkim ang emosyon niya mula sa akin, "I can't give you anything."
"Napag-usapan na natin ito Kenzo, I don't-" bago pa man ako nakapagsalita binitawan na naman niya ako. This time, sa harapan ni Mommy.
"Hindi kita kaya ipaglaban Maxene." umiling siya, "I'm sorry." pang-ilang beses na niya dinudurog ang puso ko? Bakit ba hindi na lang ako makuntento sa unang beses na binitawan niya ako?
"But at least tell me why?" muling tanong ko, kahit na alam ko naman ang sagot.
"Napapagod na ako Max," tiningnan niya ako at nginitian ng may pait sa kanyang mukha. "Pagod na ako mahalin ka." Again I died.
"I love you Kenzo." muling sambit ko sa kanya at kinuha ang kamay niya, "Please, don't let go." Hanggang kailan ba ako masasaktan?
"If you can't let go Max," muli siyang bumitaw sa akin, "Ako na lang ang bibitaw para sa atin." My heart just fucking died. How many times does my heart have to die like this? Why is this so unfair? Pagod na siya? Edi ako ang lalaban para sa amin, huwag lang siya bumitaw. Nang naglakad na siya palayo sa akin, hindi ko alam kung bakit wala akong lakas parahabulin pa siya ulit. Ang sakit sakit lang. Ang sakit dahil mahal ko pa siya. Hanggang kailan kita mamahalin Kenzo? Hanggang kailan ako mapapagod mahalin ka?
Mom didn't talk when we arrived at the mansion. I wanted her to, but she didn't talk. Is this really how she's going to disregard my feelings? "Take a rest Max, we'll have a long day tomorrow." paalala niya sa akin.
Bago pa man niya ako tinalikuran tinanong ko na siya, "Mom," I started, "Can we please talk about it?" I know I can't let this pass.
"What?"
"Why do you keep doing this?" I asked, I couldn't hide my frustrations anymore, "I did what you asked me to do. I dated your prospects, ano pa po ba ang kulang Mom?" Just set me free.
"You dated. It's true, but you didn't select any from them." she reasoned, "I know what you're thinking Maxene, but believe it or not, I'm not involved in what happened between you and Kenzo. He decided that on his own."
"I don't believe you Mom." I couldn't contain my anger anymore, "Hindi niya po ako iiwan ng ganoon ganoon lang kung wala ka pong ginawa o sinabi sa kanya." I still want to respect my Mom, but there are times that she overdo things. Especially if something is not according to the result she wants to obtain.
Mom looks back at me, "Let's just say, I am involved with what you accused me of," she paused as she approached me with sophistication, "Would you even consider thinking why?" I can't really judge her based on her questions. Sa totoo lang, wala akong idea kung may kinalaman ba talaga siya sa biglang pagbabago sa akin ni Kenzo. I barely even know my mom now. But one thing is for sure, she'll do anything to do things in her favor.
I can't fight this argument, not until I have enough proof that she's behind this. I have to turn things around, "Let's say may napili na akong lalaki sa prospects ninyo Mom," I tried to mimic how she speaks and noticed how she raised an eyebrow. I took a deep sigh. "What would it give me?" Lagi naman may kapalit ang lahat ng bagay hindi ba?
My mom smiled a bit, "You can get your own condo." she negotiates.
"Not enough Mom."
"You can have a trip anywhere around the globe."
Umiling ako, "Not enough Mom."
"You can have your own room for your little games." she's probably referring to my gaming habits.
"Not enough Mom."
"I'll allow you to do that childish cosplay-thing."
"Not good enough."
Kumunot na ang ulo ni mom, I think she's almost out of ideas, "You can get your own car."
"Still not enough Mom." Those were just material things. I don't need them. In fact, I can afford them. She knows that and aside from the money I receive from dad, my allowance from modeling is what I use to buy whatever I want. I saved a lot of money and I'm proud of that.
She scoffs while shaking her head with disbelief, "This isn't a request Maxene." her voice starts to be cold as ice.
"I'm not requesting Mom," suhestyon ko, "This is me negotiating with you," I added and saw how she observes me from the expression on my face. I'm dead serious.
"If given a chance that you would be able to pick one guy from my prospects, I won't be in your way anymore, Maxene." I didn't expect that my mom would play her cards like this, "As planned you'll be engaged with him before you turn eighteen. You will be wed to him and of course business as follows." mom steps back still assessing my reaction, "You don't have to love the guy Maxene, you just have to make it look real," mom speaks with honesty, "And when the time comes that you do-" the last words that I heard from her were the words that I've been waiting for so long, "I'll give you your freedom." This serves as my new goal, yet I'm still against her plan. Yet one thing is for sure, I won't marry this guy. I'll just have to make it look real. I just have to make my Mom believe that I will obey her.
"Tomorrow we have a meeting with one," Joanne hands her a folder, must be another prospect and then Mom handed the folder to me, "I'm coming with you since you tend to make a lot of excuses from the guys that you dated for the past few weeks." napansin niya iyon? "Of course, they told me." and again, she read my reaction based on the look on my face, "I want to be on your best behavior Maxene." mom reminded me as she started to walk towards her room. Upon entering my room, I opened the folder and looked at the 'guy' that my mom is arranging with me this time. By just seeing his profile, I wanted to regret that I ditched my last date.
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