"Can I love you from a far without you knowing it?"
-Eullah
 
***
    LOVE IS a tricky thing.
    It occurs at an unexpected time in an incredible place with the random person you have ever met.
    And I guess that same goes for me…
    I bitterly smiled as I savored the morning breeze with a lot of things in mind. It's not just about my home works, school requirements, or even deadlines. But most of the time, my spacing out is taken over by him. I'm calm on the outside, but my head was running around with thoughts I couldn't control anymore.
    Have you ever tried to hide your feelings for someone for the reason that you might ruin something important?
  In my case, I've been doing the same thing. Before we met, I never thought that my best friend would be a part of my life. And then we became close in an instant for we got the same vibes and we just wholly jived.
    I walked silently in the pathway as I clutched the strap of my tote bag. The lady guard was not even smiling, but she let me pass the second gate, so I think that's alright. Some of the college students were occupying the wooden benches, probably waiting for their class to begin.
    Even the parking area was somehow spacious. I came to realize that I was so early for my morning class. With my earphones tucked in both of my ears, I inhaled some air sharply and lazily blew it out.
    I wonder if he is already on his way... I thought to myself. But maybe he’s still sleeping soundly like a baby because he did so much of their school works and activities yesterday.
    I heaved a sigh. We’re both in college already in our last years in a university. I am currently taking up fine arts and design while Tim was an architecture student. We are studying on the same campus, well, per Tim’s demand. It wasn’t as prestigious as those renowned universities in the Philippines, but it was enough to have its brand for quality education, or that’s what they want to prove to us.
    I’m still looking for my room around the campus as I scanned the picture of my schedule on my phone when I heard someone called me.
    “Besh!”
    A heavy metal song was currently playing on my phone, but the volume wasn’t that loud so that I could hear that familiar voice.
    There’s only one who calls me like that.
    I halted from my footsteps as soon as I heard him. And there I saw not so far away from where I stood was my best friend with a broad smile on his face. His hair was clean-cut and dyed in black to hide his white hair. Wearing his white polo shirt partnered with slick black pants, Tim had a fresh and light aura as I turned to him instantly.
    The friendliest guy that I had ever met and the one who got me whipped was waving at me. My heart skipped a bit as I felt conscious about myself.
    It looks like he woke up on the right side of the bed just by looking at his face. My lip couldn’t help but smile. And then my gaze went to his right side. That was when I finally just noticed who he was with.
    Nallie…
    She didn’t bother greeting me and just gave me a cold stare she always does whenever I’m around. That’s when the smile drawn on my face faded in an instant.
    Did they come together just now? Or did he fetched her first before going here?
    I suddenly felt the urge to pretend that I didn’t see them, but I know it was too late. The heaviness on my chest was seeping through me, and my pleasant mood began to go down. But I needed to hide it, for Tim might ask me questions about my sudden mood. And for sure, I would dodge all that and pretend that nothing’s wrong.
  He was the kind of man who would ask you anything and wouldn’t leave you not until you answered all that he was asking. That is why I usually hide my true feelings inside me, especially with his girlfriend.
    I stood in front of them even if what I wanted at that very moment was to run away. I want to turn my back. If only I’d pretended not to hear Tim.
This situation is one of the mornings I hated to see. Maybe because I could not afford to see them together, I couldn’t help but throw a glance on their side, and no matter how much I deny it, I am affected by what I am seeing.
    I sighed exasperatedly. Another episode of my pretension began as I returned my best friend’s smile and greeted him cheerfully. “Yow, Besh! What’s up? Is it just me, or you really are early today?” I even removed my right earphone to hear them clearly and to show some courtesy.
    I wanted to give myself applause when my voice did not quiver at all. I greeted Tim like it was a natural thing to do while seeing them standing side to side breaks my heart. A wide smile that never reached my eyes was etched on my lips as I tried to act normally.
    Tim walked towards me, perfectly flashing his smile that could melt my insides. I waited for them to come near me as we stood in the pathway. I live near the campus, so I just take a 15-minute walk through the second gate of the university.
    The smile I had on my lips wasn’t fading like how my heart ached unfadingly. If someone could ever know my feelings, for sure, I could have had a smack on my head for being such an actress for continuing the façade.
    And there he stood while clutching a strap of his backpack on his right arm. My gaze turned to the other bag that he was holding. I think I already know who it belongs to.
    “I thought your class would be around nine this morning, Are there any changes with your schedule?”
    I saw how Nallie’s on-fleek eyebrows arched up annoyingly. Wearing an above-the-knee pleated skirt and floral off-shoulder top, she really stood out, given her height.
    My eyes suddenly went down on what I’m wearing. It’s nothing fancy like hers, with high-heeled shoes and so on, but I guess I just wore my worn-out jeans too comfortably and a sweatshirt plus sneakers so I could move around freely. I told you, it’s far from being fancy at all. Or that maybe, I was just a random dresser who could wear anything that comes through my eyes that I could brand as “good” or “great.”
    With her long straight hair and a very nice build and physique, she’s good to look at. But let’s not talk about her attitude. I shook my head for that thought.
    Maybe Nallie is wondering how I know that or how did I even find that out. But well, whatever.
    Her eyebrows shot up even more, when Tim came to hug me, which made me sucked my breath.
    I just couldn’t react. If I’m going to push Tim, what would they say? This hug should mean nothing. I was silently praying, hoping that Nallie would think that this was just a plain embrace — more like a friendly hug — and pushed it in my mind, too. Right, this should be it… but I could not deny the fact that I like his embrace, strapping his arms around my body.
    Now I looked so pathetic.
    But I was shocked, alright. I didn’t expect that to happen. I mean, I know he is a clingy type of guy but did he lose some screws in the head? Is he even in his right mind?
    Gosh! This is so embarrassing!
    I quickly detached myself from him even if deep inside, I want to be in his arms longer than I expected. I should hold back, right? Nallie was clearly scrutinizing me with her eyes, and I think any moment from now, she would be ready to tweak my hair sharply.
And I don’t want that to happen even in my wildest dreams. I am still thinking of Nallie’s feelings, being Tim’s lover. And I know from the start that I should be the one to be put on a pedestal.
    After showing me his excellent set of white teeth, “Well, I have the same schedule... But Nallie got her first class at seven, so I had to wake up a little bit early.”
    I just hummed and could ask no more. I sighed when Tim did not give any attention to me abruptly, awkwardly pulling away from him, not because I didn’t want it but because I need to do so.
    So that makes sense. That was why Tim was here.
    “So, ahm, see you around—” I planned to bid them goodbye when I saw his girlfriend pulling Tim away from me quickly. But Tim was quicker to stop me mid-sentence.
    “How ’bout you, got your first class already?”
    What am I going to do with him? I think I have a headache. Sometimes, I would really like to hit him real hard for not reading the atmosphere at all. Doesn’t he see his girlfriend’s way of eyeing me? If looks could kill, I sure am a slice of dead meat already. And for Pete’s sake! I don’t want to see them anymore! I’m running away, and yet, why doesn’t he feel it?
    I am well aware of Nallie’s eyes squinting at me. Even before, she hates me so much, especially when she sees me with his boyfriend. I don’t know what I did to her because I know that I did nothing. But this woman would kill me if she saw me with my best friend. Quite fascinating, right? Note the sarcasm, please.
    The feeling is somehow mutual though I’m not like her, who always bears her fangs on me like she’s ready to bury her claws to my face. I respect her because she is Tim’s girlfriend. I still consider that. Also, what can I do if she is the one that Tim wanted all along? And now that they are together, should I just meddle with my best friend’s happiness to have my way with him? I am not stooping that low to have my own selfish wants.
    I really don’t stand a chance with that woman. But what I don’t like about her is her attitude towards me and how she wanted her boyfriend to cut ties with me.
    And I know my place, I’m just his best friend, and I don’t think I could change that.
    Never in this lifetime… What a bitter and painful truth.
    Somehow, seeing him be with someone he loves is enough for me to wake up in my delusions. Even if how much I wanted him so far, I am always holding it in because there's so much to lose. It's really an unrequited love. I thought it was okay, well, not until Nallie came. The time I spend with him became lesser and lesser, and sometimes, it aches me when I think about him, forgetting me. But what can I do, right? There is nothing. So whenever that I'm with him, I hide these feelings deep inside me. He has no idea at all. I decided it is for our own good, even if it would cause me so much pain. But if it's for him, then I'll endure.
    I don't know that liking someone would be this hard.
    I even respect their relationship even if sometimes, I would hear them fighting over their complicated relationship.
    I sighed exasperatedly. Nallie was fast to hide her angst on me when Tim threw a sideways glance at her.
    "Hmm, yeah. It's quite early that I need to go now," I answered back before Tim could have felt that I'm feeling uneasy here. Tim would eventually ask why I'm avoiding him. I need to think about how to get away from these two.
    "Sad for you. Did you sleep early? Wait, have you eaten your breakfast?"
    Argh! How can I get away with this man?
    I pursed my lips together firmly. This moment is one of the moments when I would think about how Tim feels towards me if there's any that I could assume. It is a bit confusing when he is like this, acting like he cares and all. So much for a damn thought.
    And my mind would give me a lot of reasons and false hopes. All that he would do would always have a meaning for my foolish heart. Crap! I hate myself for being like this! Why does Tim need to be so concerned to me when Nallie is just by his side?
    Of course, it didn't mean so much! He is just treating you like a goddamn best friend, Eullah! My conscience would always tell me to wake up from my stupid dream. The scenario would slap me the truth. This scenario is not Neverland! I'm in no fantasy world where everything has a chance of coming true.
    But I couldn’t blame myself, too. I just want us to be like what we were before.
    He has always been like that, ever since then. That’s why my heart is in danger. I’m too afraid to admit that this is beyond admiration. I don’t want it to grow, but I cultured it before I realized it. And now, I’m hurting.
    I composed myself.
    As much as I want to show how happy I was that Tim asked me, I remained unaffected on the outside. I respect her, and I don’t want to ruin something that could harm her heart, especially Tim. I would still think about it even if it hurts.
    I should act like a best friend and not someone who had a crush on Tim or someone close as Nallie, her girlfriend. I wouldn’t be like her…
    That sends a pang on my chest, so I couldn’t help but cleared my throat first as if something had stuck in it. “Y-Yes... Of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I lied so that I could end the conversation.
    As we took our time here, I’m becoming uncomfortable as Nallie gave me intent stares that I know mean something. Well, I tried before to be her friend, but we just couldn’t. That’s why we’re not close. I just know some details about her when Tim would talk about her in front of me.
 When I looked at him, he was eyeing me intently. It was like he was detecting and reading my mind if I did tell the truth or not.
    Please... Just this once, agree with me and don’t ask any more questions...
    “Are you sure about that?” He asked, and I think he believed what I said.
    I nodded. “Besh, of course —”
    “Aren’t you going to send me out to my room, babe? I’m going to be late!” Nallie exaggeratedly beamed, cutting his boyfriend off. She emphasized their endearment, and I knew that meant for me.
    Tim had taken a glance at his watch and looked at his girlfriend with the latter’s forehead creasing already in annoyance. Even I looked at my digital clock on my phone screen.
    “We still have 20 minutes before your class, babe—”
    “But I’m in a hurry! I’m busy, and I have so much on my plate with all the requirements coming all at once. And an idle chat is not helping,” Nallie exclaimed as a spoiled brat would act.
    She has been like that for I don’t know when. She constantly changes her mood to get what she wants, and Tim sometimes had a hard time understanding her.
    Tim looked at me apologetically. I really understood the situation that all I did was nod my head. “You two should go ahead. Nallie needs to be in her class now, Besh.” I said understandingly.
    Nallie just gave me her bitch look and wrapped around her arms possessively at Tim’s waist. I want to roll my eyes at that.
  “Where are you going to stay anyway?” Tim asked even if Nallie was pulling him away. “I can accompany you later—”
    “Babe! Let’s go!” It was Nallie with a high-pitched voice this time. “I’m going to be late already!”
    “Oh, you don’t need to! That’s inconvenient for you, Tim...” I quickly responded. Tim could no longer answer me rightly because Nallie was determined to push her way out.
    “Is it just alright? You can wait for me—” Tim shouted at me to be more audible despite being in the distance.
    “Babe! Come quickly!”
    At this point, I thought Tim almost couldn’t walk appropriately by himself as Nallie pulled him to go straight from the right-wing of the campus where her room was.
  “See you around, Besh!” He shouted at me even if his girlfriend was dragging Tim. I saw his apologetic face, and I nod entirely to let him know that I understand.
    Nallie isn’t Nallie if she isn’t like that.
    
    I just waved my hand, and until they were no longer in sight, that was when the smile that I used to put on a show vanished.
    Seeing them should be nothing because I saw them together countless times, but then, why am I feeling so down? I walked to an empty bench and immediately sat when I felt that my knees were giving up on me. I facepalmed and covered my face with it.
    And then I remember, Tim is my dearest friend. I started to like him as a friend. Not until I realized something was even more appealing to me, surfacing from the inner of my heart. The fascination that I came to know him grew until I couldn’t find the right words anymore.
    I could talk it out with him, but I just couldn’t. And all this time, I am choosing our friendship because I know we could stay longer that way than to a relationship where everything ends when all falls apart.
    Yes, I chose our friendship all this time. That is why my best friend doesn’t have any idea at all. And I guess keeping it that way is much better for him. I am sure Tim loves Nallie more than anyone. So, who am I right? I see the way that he looks at her every time.
    I don’t want to ruin anything — his relationship with Nallie and our bond. I already gave up my feelings for him. I am a loser even before I started this battle.
    But what I couldn’t do is to protect my heart. I always feel the pain. I’m just enduring it. In any case, this is shallow compared to the things that we stayed together as best of friends.
    So, these should be easy... Or so I thought.
    When another realization came to me, I want to turn back to the time when I’m still not into him. But how can I do that when I’m falling with that guy, and it was him — my best friend?
    There are so many guys out there, but why it should be him? When I know all too well that Tim couldn't love me back the way like I do?
###
-IOYK-