To be honest, I am not sure what I'm doing now. Because who am I? And what made me decide to meet Yovanes and force him to be allowed to come to his house? Is it too late to admit that I need someone to confide in? It wasn't even 10 hours past when I said I didn't need friends. Too many secrets. Well, if indeed I can randomly call people I know and tell them about Bram's behavior, my older brother. They will start asking about my background. Then they would ask about my parents, they would ask about my other activities, they would ask about the sources of money for my college. Then... There are only two sequels. They will hate me. Or they will pity me.
I hate being pitied. At least, that's how I judge myself. I avoided the topic of family. I avoid talking about personal things like I avoid talking about boyfriends and feelings. Because I know myself. I'm a person who cries easily. I cried while watching advertisements on the internet. I cried while watching a short video on Enstagram. I cried when I saw stray dogs digging trash. I cry for anything, especially when I can't do anything.
So I called Yovanes. He always acts normal. Tend to be cool and simple. He doesn't look down on me. Especially when I know he is the son of a rich man in the city of Purasab who never gets attention from his parents. So that it was as if his misfortune and mine made our position the same. Also, our way of forgetting those facts.
Yovanes paid just because he used my services. He rented me and did not own me completely. That's why he treats me well. He wasn't rude and he talked to me. I've never had a client like that.
Actually, I have another choice. Maya. The girl I just met. She became the choice precisely because we just met. And I don't think she has any bad interest in me. Unlike my classmates whose hobbies are tripping each other and licking each other's soles of the lecturer's feet.
Unfortunately, I forgot to contact her since I should have. Two weeks passed, and we never contacted each other. How could I suddenly call her and ask her out? The last time we met, I almost snapped at her. I brushed it off shortly after she treated me to iced milk tea.
Yovanes offered me a can of beer when I reached his room by the outside stairs. We sat on the couch in his room. After a few minutes of silence, the man stopped looking at me. He set his beer can down on the table and calmly asked, "Free, huh?"
I shrugged. "Are you offended?" I asked half-jokingly.
"Appropriate." Yovanes crossed his arms over his chest. "What's the matter exactly? Are you pregnant?"
I was a little surprised to hear his words. However, I decided to put aside thoughts about how cool our life would be if I were really pregnant with his child.
"Are you sure this is your child?" I asked.
"Depends. If she's pretty, she must be your daughter. And if he's good-looking, he'll be mine."
I laugh at his bullshit. "I'm not pregnant. Not even your child. I don't want it even then. I still have to graduate from college. I won't depend on anyone else."
Yovanes made a disappointed look. "Too bad."
"Do you want to marry a prostitute?" This question arose because I was curious.
"Not a problem. My parents are quite happy with grandchildren. And only I can give them grandchildren. I guess," Yovanes muttered. He took his beer and gulped it down.
"You are an only child?" I narrowed my eyes.
The man scratched his chin and shook his head. "No."
I'm breathing fast. "So, what's the problem?"
"There is no fertilization process."
"No kidding."
"My sister is a lesbian," He whispered. He waited for about 2 seconds to see my expression. Then he stood up. He walked towards the refrigerator. "Want another beer?"
"Of course." I looked down while repeating Yovanes' sentence just now in my head.
"Any problem with that?"
I sucked my lower lip. Shake my head. I accepted the beer Yovanes offered. Then plunge back into the daydream.
I know the man is looking at me. I could feel his gaze as if searching for an entrance into my ocean of thoughts too.
"You think being a lesbian is wrong, don't you?" Yovanes seemed to accuse.
"No comment," I whispered. I can't judge other people right? I also can't suddenly spit my brother's problems on him. After what I said to Bram. Now my talk with Yovanes is like a natural scenario that I can't avoid. So I chose to play another question. "Since when did you know your sister was a lesbian?"
"How come you call her a lesbian as if it's a title or a profession?" Yovanes seemed not to accept. But his face looks normal. He didn't look angry or offended at all.
"Sorry..." I felt so bad. "Since when did you notice that?"
"Well, actually I don't think of it as a discovery to be aware of or observe. It's a choice for her, like us. But, it seems like she's happy with what she's living. So, yeah... As long as she's happy. That's a good thing. " Yovanes rubbed his lips with the back of his hand. "What do you think? Do you have siblings?"
I opened my mouth. But no sound came out.
"If you don't want to talk, I don't mind." Yovanes smiled.
I shook off the uneasiness wafting in the air. "It's okay. I have a brother. I just found out this afternoon that he's gay."
Yovanes took one more look at me. "You hate it?"
"Is it wrong?" I asked.
"What's bothering you? Are they harassing you? Do they want you to make love to them?"
I shook my head. No. They didn't abuse me. They didn't touch me at all.
"Did they make you uncomfortable?"
Besides, because they didn't close the door? Everyone would feel uncomfortable if someone made love in front of them. Homosexual or not. I shook my head again.
"So what's your problem?"
"That's a sin," I say slowly. I knew that soon Yovanes would attack me back.
However, instead of arguing out loud. He even laughed. "Isn't it fun to have sin, huh?" The man grinned playfully. "Everyone does it and understands it. Something feels better when it's illegal."
"But being homosexual is legal in this city." I disagree. But I just sipped my beer without replying.
"You know what the first sin is?"
"When women eat the forbidden fruit?"
Now Yovanes shook his head. "When Eve stole the fruit."
"But the snake told him to," I retorted.
"The owner of the tree is not the snake. It just told the woman to eat. The snake doesn't even have hands to pick the fruit for her."
I'm speechless. "So the first sin is stealing. How about killing?"
"Killing is stealing. Stealing other people's lives. Robbing. Hahaha," Yovanes laughed out loud. "But that's not the point."
"Nonetheless..."
"Indeed, who has never committed a sin? And who determines which sin is higher than the other sins?" He raised his eyebrows. "Is loving someone else wrong?"
"Oh, that excuse again." I rolled my eyes.
"Fornication and love. Which would you choose then?"
"Not that one. It's not a good choice." I'd disagree.
Yovanes nodded. "You commit adultery, you steal the sanctity of marriage."
"I'm not a thief."
"So that makes you better from the sinful act you're avoiding?"
"Shit," I sighed. "That's none of your business! It's my life!" I half screamed. His words left me hurt and humiliated.
Yovanes leaned back as he sipped his beer. After being relieved he spoke again, "Well, you understand what I mean."
No. I don't want to understand. I managed to sit on his lap. I will stop him from talking now.