The weather is really supportive now. I feel a strong hot pressure when I am among the people passing by. At the same time I also feel that this world is really crazy. There is nothing interesting that keeps coming to me. From here I only see a perspective that really opens my eyes. I didn't think I would be in such an uncertain atmosphere like this. I feel very uncomfortable. However, when I am faced with many things that are really crazy, I honestly feel quite grateful. There is nothing worse than what I can't explain right now. There are no problems that come even when they change. When I was so desperate about it, I felt my heart pounding a little. I feel that this world really doesn't make sense. To the extent that I am under the noon wind, I can't imagine anything in here. There is only myself who I never expected even until now. I feel that this is really contradictory to anything. I only bring myself to many things that are really annoying. Until I feel a little annoyed. When I expect myself, I don't think it's really too much. This time it was the same, nothing changed. When I was not focused on what was in front of me, I only complained about a few things. Not to something so complicated. My head was throbbing again. When I opened my eyes, it turned out that I had been in this place for 2 hours. Seeing other things right in front of my eyes, it felt like being in prison. I just found myself in a state that was quite strange. Not only did my eyes see this world quite badly, I also just felt that all of this was really annoying. When all the things I didn't understand happened, honestly it was like being in hell. There was nothing more disgusting than that. If only I didn't feel this kind of thing, I would just hope for this problem that kept popping up. There was nothing I could do. It was always useless. There were so many strange things that had happened lately, I always hoped that this was just a dream. I swear that it wasn't really sincere. I could feel it myself from my pulse. Honestly, I don't know what to do about this kind of thing anymore. The moment when I felt something really fun. I hope to myself that nothing will change. Even as time goes by.
“Damn it. Why does it always end like this?”
I can't feel anything else that is really unwanted. This time I really feel sick. Nothing can get rid of this kind of thing in me. I even dare to swear that all of it is useless. I just see my world that is slowly starting to look strange. I don't know how to deal with this kind of situation now. But on the one hand this really doesn't make sense. I can't say anything my mouth seems to be silenced. Honestly I don't want to continue living like this.
'The world has never been kind to people like me.'
When I drowned myself in the bathtub, my head felt calm. This time it was really different from usual. I never felt this sorry for myself. Strangely now I'm experiencing it. Not only that, time keeps spinning. Slowly I sink into an endless void. I feel so suffocated that it feels like my life will disappear. This time it's the same. Not knowing what happened to me, I feel like this world is almost not on my side at all. The chaos that continues to happen has never even been imagined to be this terrible. I can only rely on myself. Even though I feel a really deep void, there is no way to get out of there. I'm so frustrated that I don't even know what to do anymore. This time my world is almost dark. I just imagine how everything will continue to go well for a long time. But it turns out that all of that is just an illusion. I can't even say anything anymore. This time it's the same. At that time I couldn't look at myself again. My head is now starting to stop throbbing. I just imagine how it feels like all of this just passes by. No matter what happens as long as everything is okay I am really okay. But if I look back this is just a lie. There is no such thing as that. I feel like my world is really too much. There is no reason for me to continue being in this damn environment. I have to leave soon anyway. That's what often comes to my mind. I still have a lot of difficulties. There is nothing I can do for now. I feel like this is really bad. When in my mind I just want to run away, it turns out that I actually don't want to live like this. I am very tormented by the limitations that are always in front of my eyes. Slowly I apply face cream and continue to look at myself who seems to be dead.
'Damn. What is the meaning of this?' I muttered to myself.
There is nothing else I can do for now. I am just on the verge of sanity that I don't know whether I should maintain it or not. At the same time, I also feel that this world is never fair. As the ancient Greek philosophers said. My soul that is indeed out of control is truly unfortunate. My fate must be at stake. How can all this end soon. Sometimes I dream whether I will feel happy or continue like this. That question keeps popping up in my head and is never controlled properly again. Slowly I pick up the phone call that has been noisy.
"Hello?"
“Where are you now? Why don’t you come to the usual place? There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“What? Ah, I guess I can. Wait, I’ll be there later. By the way, why do you look worried? What happened?”
“Come here. I’ll tell you more about it later.”
“Okay. See you later then.”
"Yes."
My feeling suddenly became uneasy. Was this a sign or the opposite. For a moment my mind was haunted by various things that were indeed very disturbing. I felt very dark. This was the first time I felt a little uneasy just facing something.
“What is this? Why are my hands shaking?” I muttered to myself.
This is not the first time I feel uncomfortable. When I look at my hands that are starting to shake, I can only hope that this will end soon. Without realizing it, it makes me feel uneasy. Honestly, this is very annoying. I can't imagine what will happen to me if this continues. At one point I feel that I am not okay. But on the other hand I also feel the same way. To the point where I think that this world only has me. Not someone who is much better, but strange things that keep appearing. I feel like all of this just makes me feel lost. There is nothing interesting that I can do and only leave something that seems very awkward. I feel helpless with what I feel now. At what point should I start something good or vice versa. There is nothing I can do even just for myself. I feel stuck and like there is no way out. I'm sure this is only temporary but it doesn't always feel so torturous either. I feel like I want to get out of this very torturous situation by any means. As if I can't stand it anymore.
“I think it’s time for me to take another step,” I muttered to myself, still thinking.
It was a very dark night. I couldn't imagine what else would come after all this happened. On the other hand, I felt like I had come too far to stop walking on the path I wanted. Ambition continued to envelop me, even until now I still really wanted what I wanted. There was no word to stop. I felt like this world was completely mine. To where I stood in line with the hopes that I had always held. When I decided to do something, that's when someone supported me.
“What? Are you sure about your choice?” said my friend with a look that seemed to doubt what I had said.
“Yes. Of course. Why are you so surprised? Don’t you trust me?”
“No. That’s not what I meant. It’s just that you told me you were going to do something like that so suddenly. What were you thinking?”
“Honestly, I just want to do what I want. I can’t just keep doing nothing like this. I think it would be great if I could achieve my dream. What do you think?”
“Ah, you’re right. That would be really fun. I agree with what you said. But, you also need to be careful. Don’t make a wrong move.”
I actually understand why this person gave me such frank advice. I was also lucky enough to get support even though it was only a little. Right now I am back with making plans for the future. I felt a little dizzy after continuing to write in the journal. I imagined what if it didn't always go according to what I expected. That thought would then kill me slowly. Not long after that I decided not to think negatively and just focus on trusting everything to myself. I just need to do what I have to do. It doesn't matter about such things.
“Wow, it’s already halfway. But I’m so sleepy,” I said.