Seven hours, almost eight hours. I feel like this world is really no different from a mirage. Everything I see is really unbelievable. At the same time, I also feel like this is not me. I feel something strange and that is the reality. I am in a very empty zone. As if everything is dark. My eyes never focus on something more tempting. When I feel a little frustrated, suddenly something comes over me. It's like a ghost. I can't see it and I can only feel it. Even though everything is different. There are times when I think that maybe this is a fantasy. Everything really just passes by without any hope. I think for a moment then come back with feelings and thoughts that are whipping. The bitterness of the world continues to gnaw at my soul. Inside my head which until now has been completely out of control, I seem to be in a range that is indeed difficult for me to understand. Slowly all of that comes over me. I feel like this is like a magic prison. The spells that continue to be uttered from my mouth are sometimes full of doubt. The increasingly sharp intuition indicates that I am better than the previous days. It's just that there's a little strange thing that keeps making my head noisy. Something that's very difficult to explain. Slowly I feel like this zone is no longer for me. There's a kind of existence that often interferes. But in reality it never appears. It feels like I'm drowning in an abyss of lies. The thing I want is even worse than that. I feel my pulse getting weaker and weaker. Does everything have something to do with what I'm going through and it turns out to be true. When everything starts to appear, I can't speak anymore. Like my mouth is locked tightly. This thought is getting brighter. I seem to be dragged into an endless void. Even here, I can still hear the invisible voice. That night. I dreamed where I was in a room full of past decorations. I witnessed where the phenomenal painting of Ophelia looked very charming. Not only that, behind the beautiful wall I found a secret room. As soon as I opened the door and entered the room I saw a girl playing the piano gracefully. I never thought there was something like this in a closed room that I never even imagined. As I enjoyed the melody he played, I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. Slowly I felt nauseous and it was very difficult to explain. The melody of the song became louder and louder until I couldn't stand it.
“What’s wrong? What the heck? Wait, don’t joke around. What happened?” I said.
I once again saw something I didn't expect. I felt like this world was really strange. Back with my mind so messed up, I suddenly woke up from my sleep. It was a relief because it was just a dream. A piece of imagination that of course would not come true. It's just that I'm always in a very strange situation like this. Slowly I closed my eyes again because the time was still midnight. Until I woke up the next morning. The sunlight came in through my bedroom window and woke me up with its glare. I felt a little better.
"It's morning already," I said as I woke up.
Once I realized something really important, at that moment I felt that there was something wrong with all of this. Even though there was nothing wrong if everything always went well. I felt like my world was at the end. Until I myself did not know where to start all of this from. I was at a loss for thoughts anymore. When everything returned to a fairly good condition, I did not know whether this was really real or otherwise. I did not care about what had happened lately. It was just that I did not know what to do anymore. I could not avoid all of this even once in my life. It felt really unreasonable. At first I thought everything would be fine but in reality everything did not go as it should. I felt a little disappointed with that. But sometimes I also did not think that it was not something I should regret. At first everything was very good. Nothing crossed my mind that it would be extraordinary. But slowly I realized that there was nothing I had control over. At that moment all the doors of hope were tightly closed. I was at a loss for words. However, among all of that, there was only one thing that was quite touching. I was once in a place. Where there was only me. No one else was there. I felt like my world was going to collapse. My body wouldn't stop shaking. It just kept happening. At the same time, I also thought about one very important thing. I only had myself. In other words, no one could help me. At that time, I didn't know how to live this crazy life anymore. When I saw my helpless self, I immediately cried for myself. How could I not see myself who seemed fragile without any hope. I felt very tight. A feeling that could not be expressed no matter what, I felt like I was in the dark. I couldn't see the light, only the tightness I felt. Honestly, it was really torturous. I had only prayed a few times asking for it to stop, but there was still no answer. From there, I became frozen. Not feeling anything, just a blank stare that appeared every day. I was fed up with what was happening. Even to the point where I felt like my world was destroyed. Hope or whatever it was turned out to be just a manifestation of nothingness. Until now I never believed in such a thing at all. But I also benefited greatly from it.
“Why do I feel so sick? What should I do?” I muttered to myself.
My view this time felt so heavy. Where it only left scars that could not be healed. I even thought about many things because of this. But for a moment I tried to calm myself down, and indeed nothing changed. Not long after I walked around this neighborhood. The crowd of people who had seen the accident made me feel a little curious. One of them asked me to talk.
“You saw it, right? It was scary.”
“Ah, I just came out of the house so I didn't see the accident happen.”
“Oh my. So that’s it. Look at the crowd still crowded. Are they that curious? They shouldn’t be.”
Seeing people panicking made me a little aware that they were actually just curious. No one was really sincere, even just to help. I felt a strong urge to hit. The uncertain reality actually made me think more. The moments when a person experiences bad things there will also be clear. Who knows how they will behave, it all depends on their conscience. But all that could be just nonsense. I imagined everything at the same time the whistling of reality that enveloped everything was very cruel. Sinful souls were guided to the afterlife. I know it was really heartbreaking. Today I intend to clear my mind. Every moment I only feel uncertainty about myself which is indeed very strange. Sometimes I feel how this world and its humans are correlated. Only one of some people might be at the end of a very sparkling expanse. What an incomparable perfection. When I arrived right at a coffee shop. I received good treatment from the workers here, they were very friendly, but on the other hand I shouldn't be lulled by that. Sanity must persist. That's all that should be in every person. Without realizing it, the time for me to vent my annoyance finally arrived. Not long after that, my old friend Estelle came to see me at this place.
“Amora. Wow, it’s been a long time. How are you?” Estelle, who was always friendly to me, said.
“Yeah. It hasn’t been good lately. A lot of things have happened. How about you? Are you okay?”
“Ah, of course there is no problem with me, everything is fine. But why do you have a problem? What happened?”
“I don’t know. I feel like it’s not like it used to be.”
“What is it? Tell me. I will listen.”
“Honestly there are a lot of problems with me I don’t feel good in my condition. Maybe it’s just fatigue or something. I think that’s what happened.”
“Then how about going to a recreation area? Maybe you need to clear your head.”
"That's what I'm doing now. The reason I wanted to meet wasn't just to talk."
“Ah, so that’s how it is. I see. By the way, lately I’ve been wondering why everyone feels so strange. Do they forget that easily? If that’s the case, it’s a bit cruel.”
“It depends on the person. Not everyone forgets easily. There is a possibility that they are busier than before or there is something more important than that.”
“But this is a little strange.”
“Strange how?”
“They don’t seem to want to respond to me. What’s wrong with me?”
“I don’t know. I don’t see anything wrong with you, Estelle. I guess it’s just your guess.”
Without me realizing something started to approach. The prejudice that kept being thrown made my heart hurt a little. I felt a strong emotion that made me unable to hold it back. Even so I had to stay calm and pretend everything was very good. Now after meeting an old friend I had something worth maintaining. I couldn't avoid the conflict where there was only me there. The turmoil was too great that it pushed the suffering to continue to grow. That night it was like usual. The ticking of the clock continued to decorate my house indicating life. I have felt lonely for a long time. There is no such thing as family. They are just in a place very far from here.