Everything was so messy. Everything that was visible seemed to be crumbling into ashes. I felt like this was the worst point where everything became so chaotic. So different from what it should have been. But even so, I myself couldn't just beat everything like that. This was cruel. There was nothing I could do but just watch. I felt like my world was slowly starting to fall apart because it was so unreasonable. There were times when all of this made me unable to think about it. Not long after that I decided to just do my hobby. I saw something a little different I tried to be sure that this was good enough. Besides the many things that had happened, sometimes it just got more complicated. I used to think about becoming an artist. It's just that I never realized that dream. I felt like something didn't fit me. That's why I ignored it. However, when I think back it feels really unfortunate. So is it now. I feel really confused whether I should take it or not. The thoughts that kept whipping made me feel a little frustrated. But not that bad. Indeed, reality always looks easy even though it's not at all. This time I went out of the house for a while and saw the view of this city. The last time I came to a place just to calm myself down. I felt my world was filled with emptiness. Until I also did not understand the situation. The world I wanted was indeed very complex. Where not only was there myself but there were many things that I dreamed of. I felt that was what should be there. But over time I also felt that it was really impossible. There was no progress at all. It felt really unreasonable. I also couldn't understand it. Honestly, it was just an imagination in my mind and it shouldn't have been there forever. The thoughts that were now chaotic for a moment began to calm down when I found something that I found interesting. Something that seemed very important. Today I witnessed where everyone was waiting to get one of the signatures from a famous author. I was curious why they gathered like that, it turned out to be just for the signature of the person they wanted. I felt this was not a problem and slowly I also followed them as if this curiosity had to be continued. Not long after that, sure enough I also got what they had. Namely the signature of the famous book author.
“Wow, I find it hard to believe,” I muttered, still feeling unsure.
This is not just a coincidence. I feel very lucky today. When I got back home, I thought this was my lucky day. Unexpectedly, the person who wrote the book is very famous. Even though I myself do not really know about his work. I think this time I have to be very grateful for the luck that keeps coming to me. It is indeed very difficult if you deliberately want the author's autograph. However, this is beyond my expectations, I can get it quite easily, I just have to queue like other fans right in front of the bookstore that is holding an event.
"Interesting. "Quite interesting," I said with excitement.
Day by day goes by. I feel like everything feels so short now. Nothing is more interesting. I keep feeling like my world is not as good as the one in my head. I often find things that are uncontrollable. There are also many that are troublesome. Until I don't know what to do in dealing with a terrible situation like this. Once I'm done with what I do. I can't understand why it's so complicated. It even tends to be unreasonable. The world that only exists in my head can probably only be depicted in a work like the author of the book. Honestly, this is burdening me. I've never faced anything strange. I didn't think that everything was so taboo. No one is able to accept all the realities including myself. Sometimes I feel like this is like a prison that continues to lock me up very cruelly. Besides, I really can't escape. I let out my slightly hoarse breath. For a moment I thought again about how to do many things that are very beneficial to me. Every day feels so boring. Sometimes I swear to myself that I have to get out of this very annoying situation. But somehow I can't move well. If I keep complaining about this, the longer I continue to be depressed. My head often throbs indicating the worst possibility could happen. I just keep praying that I don't become helpless. Honestly, I've felt signs that I might really fall. But all that doesn't have to happen. I always swear on my own name not to let all bad things happen to me. This time I got up from where I was sitting. Previously I was sitting on the living room sofa. I took a drink of water from the refrigerator. Indeed, at least I have to cool my head. Not always beautiful things just come. If that's what I want I have to achieve it.
“Why does it feel so hard,” I muttered to myself.
There was nothing I could regret even for a second. Strangely enough, I couldn't do anything. I felt like my world was starting to shake. Just like my stance. I felt like it was really bad if I kept getting involved in things that weren't right. But slowly I found an idea of what if I also looked for references to just please myself. It turned out that it wasn't easy either. I couldn't stop thinking about myself. When I was done, not long after that I picked up my cellphone which had been ringing. Apparently someone was calling me. I quickly answered it.
"Hello?"
“Amora. Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine. Why are you asking that all of a sudden?”
“Thank goodness. I just heard that there was an accident right near your settlement.”
"What?"
“You really don't know that?”
“Ah, that’s right. I was inside the house. I went out for a moment but I didn’t know there was an accident. Who had the accident?”
“Oh my. I see. Good thing you’re okay at least. Don’t know who it is. There was just news that there was an accident there. Of course I immediately thought about you being in the area.”
“Oh, I see. Thanks for letting me know. Honestly, if you hadn’t called like this, I don’t think I would have known anything.”
I felt a little bit of a change. I never realized that it would be this hard. At first I just kept hoping and hoping. Even though all of that was almost meaningless. Plus many things are different. Until now where there are only habits that I always do and that's what often happens. There are so many things out there that are amazing. I never thought this world would go differently than I imagined. Only a few things that I think are similar. Not comparable to what it should look like. Besides, I'm always under the shadow of something that is so troublesome and indeed very unimportant. The moments when I managed to find myself, I feel like that's when I only think about many things that happen. Without me realizing that all of that goes wrong. Until where I was in the warmth of the sun, it crossed my mind that this is a real life. Nothing is so meaningful except in this case. It's strange that I feel increasingly burdened by this. I didn't expect it would also apply to myself which I myself feel like I don't believe. The beginning was indeed terrible, even to the point where I felt like my world had just disappeared, but I wasn't that upset. The dream that I wanted more and more, was just for the pulse that I wanted to feel. Couldn't this world side with me even just once, that's what was often in my head. Without further ado, I saw several sentences in the author's book. I was amazed by the words that opened my heart. I felt this was truly extraordinary. But I was also curious about the reason behind the creation of this book. I didn't understand why it felt so familiar even though I only read it briefly. It was incomprehensible that that was what now seemed to be in my mind. I felt like I should have found out what really happened. At this very moment, I reread the book and it was true that there were many things engraved in it. As if that was what the author wanted to show the readers. I certainly felt that this was indeed very appropriate. It's just that I never knew why I had to do something like that. From the longer it was whipped in my head, it turned out that I had just questioned something that really shouldn't have been. I was really upset with all of this. I realized I was getting really upset when I shouldn't have done that and the longer it went on, the more I didn't know what to do. It just didn't make sense.
“The writing is so good. I feel the waves of emotion,” I said as I continued to look at the pages.
One word that keeps coming to my mind right now is because of miracles. I can't believe that word keeps appearing on every page of this book. As if it just reminded me that all things that are very impossible are not always impossible. There are times when miracles become reality. Without further ado, I closed the book and then looked at the clock which turned out to be 5 pm. It was time for me to do other activities. But my body still felt lazy even just to stand up.