Napatigil ako.
"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" I asked.
"The one I was doing with your mom."
"Pa?”
Bumigat bigla ang simoy ng hangin.
“Our dream—”
“Pa, 'wag mo na ituloy, ayaw ko muna pag-usapan siya sa ngayon,” putol ko sa kaniya.
“No, naisip ko lang, what if malaman ng mom mo na natapos ko na iyong proposed experiment niya? Don’t you think matutuwa siya?” He smiled.
“Of course, she will, pero ‘di ba nag-usap na tayo tungkol diyan?”
“I know, but wouldn’t it give justice to her if ma-accomplish ko ang experiment behind her death?”
Napansin ko ang pamumuo ng luha niya.
"Pero nahuli na ang nag-sabotage, matagal na. Isn't it the justice you're looking for?”
"Hindi mo nakukuha ang point,” sagot niya sa akin.
"Of course, I do."
"You absolutely not. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin but I'm sure this isn't the right time to. You'll know soon enough."
"Namatay si mom nang pabalik tayo mula sa Libya. We went there dahil may rare chemical na gusto niyo makuha. You believed, that will help you with that experiment. Turned out, that'll be our last moment. Fantastic," I said and smiled bitterly. "Namatay sila ni Candice dahil sa experiment niyong iyan and now you are telling me na hindi kita naiintindihan?”
Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. I don’t usually talk to papa like this pero kapag nababanggit ang death ni mom at Candice, hindi ko napipigilan.
"The following year, iyong friends mong scientists na nagpunta rin sa Libya, what have they found out? Wala, nasayang lang din ang pagpunta nila,” dagdag ko pa.
Napansin ko ang panginginig ni Papa at pagpigil niya ng luha.
"S-sorry.” His voice cracked.
Lumakad ako papalapit sa kaniya at hinawakan siya sa balikat.
"It’s fine, Pa. At some point naiintindihan kong gusto mo lang na hindi masayang ang buhay nila mom at Candice for nothing. Saka propesyon mo iyan, siguro pagod lang din ako kaya—"
"I'll stop doing this then,” he halted me. “From now on, I'll stop looking for the cure—” bigla siyang tumigil saka sandaling nag-isip.
"Cure? That’s what you've been trying to make? Cure for what?" sunod-sunod na tanong ko.
"Nothing, don’t mind it."
"Cure ng ano, Pa?"
"You'll know soon enough."
"Fine, but what exactly is the reason why you are dying for that cure?"
"Why ask a question you already know the answer?"
I smiled weakly as tears involuntarily escaped my eyes.
"Si mom." My tears fell straight to the ground.
"She's always the reason behind everything I do.”
Napatigil ako. Parang may mas lalong kumurot sa puso ko. I looked at papa. He wasn't crying but he’s obviously hurt.
"Before she died, pinilit niya ako na mabuhay. We knew we were both dying. With her last words, nakipag-talo pa ako. I wanted to die with her but she insisted na kailangan ko mabuhay, para sa'yo.”
My heart skipped a beat. Nanikip ang dibdib ko.
"I could've died with her. That was what I wanted, actually. I mean, what is the point of living if the reason why you do it has gone and left you behind?"
I cleared my throat.
"B-but her memories linger on," I said trying to calm him.
He chuckled but I saw tears were forming in his eyes.
"A misbelief from fairytales and stories. Sabi nila, okay lang na mamatay ang taong mahal mo kasi iyong memories maiiwan. Damn! That is the fvcking point!"
Nagulat ako sa mga sinabi ni papa. Nagsimula na ring tumulo ang mga luha niya.
"If the person left and the memories stay, don't be happy. Those memories will be the one to stab you emotionally. Iyon ang papatay sa'yo. Kaya ‘yong mga natutuwa dahil sa naiwang memories, they're the foolish ones," dagdag pa niya.
That made sense.
Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng mga tuhod ko.
"Those memories will cause you to long more. So if a person die, I really do wish I just forget everything about her. With that, I'll just get hurt once."
I wasn't moving. I was just looking at him and he looks dreadful. So stressed out. Kita sa mga mata niya ang sakit.
"You want to know why I was paralyzed right?"
Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig dahil sa narinig ko. After all this time, ngayon niya lang sasabihin kung bakit.
"Soon enough?" I said and I wiped my tears as I forced a smile.
"I think this is the right time though.” He smiled weakly.
Tumingin siya direkta sa mga mata ko and the next words I heard left my jaw dropped.
"Bipartite souls’ case."
"Bipartite souls’ case." His face was in blank reaction so I did not know how to react.
"Uh—a-ano, Pa?" I asked literally covered by confusion.
Mahinang tumawa siya.
"Knew it. You won't believe."
"No. Of course, I believe you. It's just that—"
"It's just that?" tanong niya.
"I never knew it exists.” He smiled and nodded slowly. "But I heard of that," said I.
"And you didn't believe, of course. Who would actually believe that thing?"
"Uh, Pa, w-what exactly bipartite souls’ case is?"
"What do you mean?"
"Minsan ko nang narinig iyon pero hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga iyon.”
He sighed.
"A silver string is believed to connect two persons with their hearts beating simultaneously," panimula niya.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ngunit biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.
"When a person is born, he'll start breathing but his heart won't start beating yet. His heart will just start beating when his soul bipartite was born. From that moment on, their hearts will start beating simultaneously. Since then, a silver string will start connecting them, invisibly. Doesn't matter how far you were from each other. Time will come they'll meet and with the moon watching them above, a nocturnal bird, dhoosarpouli by name, drops a feather between them. They'll look at each other's eyes, inch their gap and the moment their lips touch one another, the silver string shows up. And they'll know they were made for each other."
Beat. Pakiramdam ko'y hindi ako kumukurap at hindi ko na napansing bumagsak ang panga ko.
"That... is the story behind bipartite souls’ case," sambit ni papa at halatang muling nagiging emosyonal.
I cleared my throat.
"Uh, hindi ko parin maintindihan."
"Hmm?"
"I mean, anong mayroon at humahanap ka ng cure?"
"This only works for certain people. A one in a million case."
"A-and?" I asked anticipating his answer.
"When your bipartite dies, there'll be two things. It's either your heart stops beating or—"
"Die?“ nag-aalangang sabi ko.
"No," he said and I felt relief. "You'll get paralyzed." His tears finally fell to the ground once more.
Hindi agad ako nakagalaw at nanginginig ang buong katawan ko.
So this explains why papa is paralyzed. He just got paralyzed when mom died. What took me so long to realize that? Naalala ko pa kung paano umiyak si dad gabi-gabi. Hindi naging madali ang pagkawala ni mom. Halos mawala siya sa sarili niya. He won't talk to anyone even with a psychiatrist.
It took him two years to recover, but of course, he didn't heal. He'll never actually heal.
That is why he's dying to have the cure. He wants to end all his longing.
Isang patak pa ng luha ang kumawala sa mata ko bago tuluyang pumikit. Inabot na ako ng halos alas singko ng umaga bago nakatulog. Ilang oras din ang inubos ko sa pag-iyak. Hindi na rin ako nakapagbihis at hanggang sa makatulog ay naka-uniform ako.
Kinabukasan, halos mag-umikot ako na parang trumpo sa pagmamadali. Isang oras na akong late pero pinilit kong humabol. Sabi nga, mabuti nang late kaysa absent.
Halos salpukin ko na lahat ng nakakasalubong ko. Wala na akong pakialam kung mukha na akong galling giyera na may isang dosenang anak sa sobrang gulo ng hitsura ko. Pagpasok ko pa lang ng hospital ay hindi na muna ako nag time in at diretso na agad sa elevator. Tamang naghihintay ako na magbukas ang elevator nang lumapit si kuyang guard at sinabing hindi nag-ooperate mula kanina pa. Ibinuntong hininga ko na lang lahat ng inis ko at naglakad papuntang hagdan.
Kumakamot pa ako ng ulo at parang nagdadabog nang biglang may matanaw akong paparating. Isang bugso ng tao ang nakita kong pasalubong sa akin.
"Clear the path!" sigaw ng isang babaeng nurse.
"Ihanda ang ER!" sigaw pa ng doktor na isa. Sumunod naman iyong mga staff na nakarinig.
"Tabi!" sigaw pa ng isang babae.
Hindi ako nakagalaw. Gulat ang bumalot sa akin at nanlumo sa nakita kong pasyente. Halos masira ang kinalalagyang hospital bed sa sobrang lakas ng panginginig niya. Nakapanlulumo ang mga bulang walang patid na lumalabas sa bibig ng lalakeng nakahiga. Hindi rin mailarawan ang tindi ng emosyong nadarama ng mga taong kasabay na tumatakbo. Halos hindi na makahinga ang isang matandang babae na nakasuot ng maluwag na damit at magkaibang tsinelas, halatang siya ang ina nito. Kasama pa nito ang ilang batang hindi na rin maawat sa pag iyak.
Sa tindi ng emosyon at pagkabigla ay wala na akong nagawa at pinanood na lamang sila. Nabalik lamang ako sa aking katinuan nang masagi ako ng doktor na halos mataranta na rin sa mga nagaganap. Bumagsak ako sa sahig at naiwang nakakalat ang gamit. Ilang minuto rin ang lumipas bago ko napulot lahat ng papel na sumabog.
Naglalakad ako pataas ng hagdan at dala ang lahat ng gamit ko nang may magsalita sa likuran ko.
"I'll talk to you later. I'll just deal with the epileptic patient."
Nang lingunin ko ito ay nakita ko si Sir Lester. Sa mga tingin at tono ng boses niya ay makikitang galit ito.
Hindi na ako nakapagsalita nang dali-dali siyang umakyat. Hindi ko na maintindihan kung ano ba dapat kong maramdaman. Naghalo-halo na lahat sa sistema ko.