Humugot ako ng isang malalim na hininga.
Hindi maari.
I should stop this unknown feelings.
"Marie, anong nangyari sa paglibot niyo ni Mikee?" Hindi ko inaasahan na itatanong iyon ni Mom pagkabalik ko.
This is the first time she asked me my whereabouts because since then she has been an easy-going mother. Okay lang lahat at wala ng tanong na susunod. Kaya ngayong nagtatanong siya, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. Ano ba ang pwedeng sabihin? "It was fun, Mom! There were lots of beautiful sceneries here. If it's okay we can—"
Tumayo siya at inayos ang earings niya in her left. "Good to hear but don't forget to be careful. " I was left behind not being able to speak with her. I couldn't respond again.
Bakit?
Ano bang pwedeng itugon sakanya na magugustuhan niya?
Sinubukan kong alisin sa isip ang sinabi ni Mom.
Naramdaman ko ang tingin ng mga maids saakin kaya para makaiwas ay umakyat ako sa kwarto at nagkulong.
I don't want to hear any words right now. I don't want to face them if they will just practically stab me at my back.
Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko sa araw na 'to.
There are times I wish that I can go to school already para hindi na ako mahirapang makisama sa mga tao sa bahay and also, times when I prayed that I won't go to school because, if I'll say the truth, I'm scared of being my classmates listed as the scariest person.
One day, they might do the same the way they did as the people I have knowwn before.
If they'll find the truth, hating me is the only choice. Staying away from me is the only option.
I do not want to be positive because if I do, difficulties will suck away all my delightness that is why it is too frightful to be carried away by our happiness because one day it will take everything away.
I tried imagining the scenarios in my new school.
If I'll act the way I am right now, surely, they will avoid me and find me weird. If that's the case, I'll do everything even though it means change. Even though it means concealing my identity. I would wear a mask over my face and try to get along with other people.
Kahit mahirapan ako ay ayos lang as long as they won't hate me. As long as I feel at home. As long as they believe in me. Kaya kong magpanggap kahit na mahirapan ako because being avoided is not an option for me. I would rather lie than, to tell the truth and make people disgusted at me.
And that would always be the sad truth in life. In seven billion people around us, surely, there are half of those people who are lying and concealing their faces in order to achieve a better place. In order to achieve better things. In order to find their hopes within their reach. I am scared of what would happen to me. If one day, they would find out.
And... here I am hoping that Mikee would never do something like they did because if he does, I might die in pain because he is the only person who I felt relieved to. He is the only I can touch without feeling scared. Sakanya ko lang naramdaman ang pagtanggap but one day,  if he knew about that incident... I wonder if I'll be able to handle it. If I'll be able to handle his judgmental stares and I hope that it won't ever come. That day should never come but... I wonder if that will ever happen because I know that life would always be against me. I wonder if life ever feels guilty for hurting me. I never once felt a long-term happiness in my life. I wish for it to happen.
The happiness with no drawbacks. The happiness without give and take. The happiness that I can keep for a very long time.
I tried so hard to find something that I would be entertained about pero kahit ata ikutin ko na 'tong buong lugar saamin ay wala akong makitang makakapagpapasaya saakin.
As much as how I long to find something interesting, I realized that time ran so fast as I go on with my that I am eventually here in front of our school. I haven't seen Mikee after our last meeting which is the jogging day.
I wonder if something happened?
From this day on, I will no longer be the weak and lame Marie that everyone has known.
I will become a better person they can admire.
"Oh! I'm sorry. Okay ka lang ba?"  The girl with a rougette hair bumped to me and immediately ask for an apology.
She looks innocent. Her eyes are too beautiful and pure but I wonder why I saw a glint of sadness in her. She smiled at me.
"Ah, mauna na ako. By the way, I am Braelynn or you can call me Brae. I'm in Section 1 if you need anything... you can go there and ask for help. Sige, mauuna na ako!"
I went to my classroom. Agad na tumigil ang kaingayan sa loob. Sa totoo lang, natakot ako dahil baka kaya sila tumahimik dahil sa presensya ko at sa kadahilanang hindi ako nararapat dito sa classroom na ito but instead of negativity, I tried hard to give them my brightest smile.  The brightest smile that I couldn't give to anyone after that happened but because of my plan, I did.
"Hi, I'm Marie Oceana. Nice to meet you!"
Huminga ako nang malalim at nagulat ako nang ngumiti ang iilan saakin and even said that 'nice to meet you too'. I prepared for the worse case scenario pero hindi ko inasahan na ganito ang magiging reaksyon nila saakin.
"Hi, I'm Jarich." Nagulat ako ng tumabi saakin ang isang lalaki.
Judging by his look, he is the typical kind classmate. The friendly one and the deadliest.
Hindi ba ang sabi nga kapag masyadong mabait ang lalaki, delikado siya dahil baka kung anong habol niya sa'yo.
Oh, I'm not the one to talk though. Since if he has any ill intentions, it is the same as me.
I am here to be accepted.
I am here to trick them.
"I am Marie." Muli kong pagpapakilala sakanya at nilahad ang kamay kong mabilis niya namang inabot.
When it is already break time, nagulat ako nang lumapit saakin ang iba kong kaklaseng babae.
"Hi, Marie. Gusto mo bang sumabay saaming kumain?"
Without any lies, I can say that I was so happy when she asked me.
"Okay lang ba?"
"Of course! Halika na?"
We went outside and went to the large cafeteria. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto ang kaibahan ng estado ng paaralan sa iba't-ibang parte ng mundo. This large cafeteria can be considered as a big school in the province.
While we were eating, hindi nakalagpas sa paningin ko si Mikee. I was about to call him when he looked at me slightly and averted his gaze immediately.
I was lost in time and space that I didn't know what to feel at that time. By the time I realized that I felt so much numbness in my heart, the girls are already finished. Kaya mabilis kong inubos ang pagkain ko.
Hindi maalis sa isipan ko ang nangyari kanina. That's why I've decided that after this school day, kakausapin ko siya at tatanungin kung may nagawa akong mali dahil itong eksena ang pinaka-ayaw ko.
The distance that was kept in silence. The distance without knowing the root cause.
After our last class, mabilis kong isinukbit ang bag ko sa aking likuran.
Nakita ko pa nga ang gulat sa mukha ng katabi kong si Jarich saakin. Nakita ko rin ang paggising ng isa ko pang katabi na si Shin dahil sa maari kong nagawang ingay.
"Are you in a hurry?" Nagtatakang tanong nito.
Hindi ako makapaniwala na naging maayos ang unang araw ko sa school. I thought that no one will talk to me and I am surprised to myself that I was able  to handle talking with boys.
"Ah, yes. Bye, see you  tomorrow!"
Lumabas ako ng classroom and hoped that Mikee will be waiting for me so that we can go home together... but I don't think that we will head the same way though because I do not know his house... I don't know where he'll go.
Sumilip ako ng dahan-dahan sa classroom nila but he is already nowhere to be found. Nakita ko pa ang pagsulyap saakin ng mga tao na natitira sa room nila and when I confirmed that he is not actually there,   nagmadali akong lumabas ng gate ng school namin.
For sure, he won't be in the school grounds dahil ano nga ba ang meron doon para mag-stay siya? Even if I do not want to confirm myself, I know that he is avoiding me and if he wants to, he won't stay in a place where I can immediatelt see him.
"Where did he go?" I whispered to myself.
Damn.
Of all the days!
I want to talk to him already because I want to tell him many things! I miss him so much dahil antagal na naming hindi nagkausap at nagkita and shit, I was avoided the whole time the first time we met again.
Pumasok ako sa iba't-ibang shops sa tapat ng eskwelehan namin but after thirty minutes, I gave up.
The sun is setting already. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hapon ang uwian namin when in province, we only have a half day for our first day.
As much as I want to find him, I do not want to see the sun going down in front of my eyes especially when I am alone outside the house.
"Hey!" Halos matapon ko ang binili kong shake, dahil sa pagkauhaw, nang may humawak sa bag ko.
"Jarich?"
"Kanina ka pa umalis diba? Bakit nandito ka pa rin?"
"Ah, I was finding someone but I couldn't. I'm going home actually."
"Oh, saan nga pala 'yong direksyon ng dadaanan mo pauwi?"
Itinuro ko naman ang daan na tatahakin ko papunta sa bahay. "Oh! Parehas pala tayo. Sabay na tayong umuwi?" Tumango ako.
Habang naglalakad ay patuloy pa rin ang pagiisip ko kung bakit hindi man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataon ni Mikee na makipagusap sakanya.
That night, I tried so hard to find my luck and called his number. The line ended after five seconds.
Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko.
I am not actually the pushy type person pero once I want to do something, hindi ko iyon titigilan hangga't hindi ko naaachieve 'yon.
Maaga akong gumising para maaga rin akong makarating sa school.
Maybe, Mikee is a morning person. Baka kapag maaga pa, may time pa kaming makapagusap.
That's what I thought pero wala siya doon.
Lumapit pa nga ang isa niyang kaklase saakin ng mapansin ako sa harap ng classroom nila.
"Uh, nakita kita kahapon. May hinihintay ka ba o hinahanap dito?"
I stared at the guy in front of me. He's tall and I saw his girl classmares gawking at  him. He fits the 'good looking guy' term.
"My name is Joaquin West. Baka matulungan kita?"
"Ah, my name is Marie. Uhm, si Mikee?"
Nakita ko ang pag-awang ng labi niya. Siguro ay nagulat. "Mikee, actually, late siyang pumapasok. Parang mga one minute before class siya napasok pero pwede ko namang sabihin sakanya na hinahanap mo siya." Tumango ako at nagpasalamat sakanya.
Pumasok ako sa classroom at nakita si Shin, na katabi ko, na natutulog sa desk niya. Marahan akong umupo sa gilid niya. Nilingon ko naman ang kabilang side ko at napagtantong wala pa si Jarich.
Yesterday, I arrived late kaya hindi ko alam kung sino-sino ang unang pumapasok o kung sino ang mga late.
Nagulat ako nang may umupong lalaki sa upuan sa harap ko. "Hi, I'm Yzaac. You're Marie, right?"
I nodded. "Marie, pwede ba tayong sabay kumain mamaya sa break?" I was almost shocked sa tinanong niya pero guys like this is a trash.
I won't fall for this guy's tactics. I know better.
"Hindi pwede eh."
"Bakit?"
"Ha? M-may kasabay na kasi ako."
"Really?"
"Oo nga."
"Kahit sandali lang or kahit sabay nalang ako sainyo?"
How can I shrug him off? Shit, nauubos ang pasensya ko riro. I smiled at him.
"Hindi pwede eh."
"Bakit naman?"
"Hey, dude. Sabi na nga ng babae na hindi pwede. It's still early. Magpatulog ka naman." I was shocked upon Shin's interruption. Nawalan ng kulay sa mukha ang kausap kong lalaki.
"U-uhm, sige, next time nalang."
Hell no, there won't be next time.
"T-thank you..." I said to Shin but he just waved his hands like telling me that it's already fine and he wants to sleep again.
I have decided! Once the end of the break arrived, hahabulin ko talaga 'yang si Mikee. I don't know what's wrong with me pero kakausapin ko talaga siya mamaya! I want to talk with him normally again. I want to stand by your side that's why aalamin ko kung anong meron at umiiwas ka saakin.