Rigel was like any other name written on that page, bearing the meaning of a star. It was all on a whim that I chose it, wondering now if it's really the right pick or not. But by the way his face beamed and his eyes shimmered, I was assured that I didn't mess anything up.
"So, do you like it?" I asked, pressing both of my hands on the ground as I kneeled in front of him, the notebook already tucked away before I soil it with dirt.
"Yeah." He was looking at the tips of my fingers, his voice a bit muffled by the wind.
I knew I came a little closer to him as I bended low from standing up, forgetting the usual lines from excitement. I knew that my hands were even closer, just enough to make me think that he'd move his, knobby and big but surprisingly gentle as I look at them, placing it over mine. But I didn't pay it any mind. I was already pinned on the spot as I'd feel like it's wrong if I retreated.
He then looks up—looks at me—maintaining that gaze till I once again lose and trade places staring at the ground, wondering why all of a sudden, the air felt denser and humid, heating me up till I find it hard to breathe. It was his features again, the kind that'll make any girl drool and continue watching, toying with me and fooling me when I know all too well what he's like.
Looks can be deceiving, there's no doubt about that now.
"What does Rigel mean by the way?" he asked, eager to know what's behind the name he'd be known as from now on. Assuming that he still doesn't recover his memories.
I reached for the notebook again, silently thankful that I could back away and free myself from the part of his magnetic field that has the strongest pull.
I turn to the page I last read, smiling at how accomplished I felt with just the sight of it. "It says here that it's the name of one of the stars in the Orion constellation," I read, loudly for him to hear. But still, he moved closer, closing the gap like it was never there. "It's one of the brightest stars." Like how he is, no matter how much I deny it to myself.
I looked at him again, and he was smiling, setting me off with his pearly white and perfectly lined teeth, not like mine which were a little crooked. His locks, now I saw, glistened through the fading sun and the faint moonlight, just starting to appear as the stars did.
I cleared my throat, relieved that he finally got the message as he flinches and settled down, his face turning away from me.
Handsome guys should be arrested for causing such infatuations. I would never want to end up with the whole high school teenage drama again.
On my freshmen year, I had this stupid crush on the boy behind me during algebra. Tall and tanned as the result of a past summer, he flaunted his face, smiling as often to reveal those dimples no one could possibly ignore. He was cute—no cuter than Rigel, but still cute.
I long for cute. And before I knew it I was talking to him. "Hey, how did you do on the test?" I asked like it was no biggy. A simple conversation between classmates, nothing special and nothing close enough to be called creepy.
"I did well, got a B plus," he answered rather proud, showing off his dimples again that it was the only thing I can see.
I thought I'd be gibberish if I spoke. In order to avoid that, I took on a more nerdy approach, hoping that it'll boost my confidence. And of course, I rambled.
"Great! I got an A minus but I figured I could've had a plus if I did one of the questions right. I was this close to figuring it out," I said, lifting my right hand to show what 'close' meant. "I got the wrong symbols by the end of the solution and that messed up the whole thing."
Tall and tan with dimples quirked his smile, giving me that awkward face while raising his right eyebrow. "Oh... Kay?"
I smiled back, thought it was a good okay, but turns out it was a bad one.
The next morning my locker was filled with death threats telling me I shouldn't brag much about being a nerd and accusing me of calling my ex-crush a dummy. I guess people eavesdropping to someone elses conversation causes a lot of a misunderstanding. Or maybe I just have zero luck on socializing and it was a bad idea to open my mouth in the first place. Considering the latter might be true, as I'm sure it is, I still didn't learn and continue to be awkward while never shutting up.
But seriously, I wouldn't want to experience that again. Though maybe summer would give a me a different result. A little summer love doesn't seem to be bad now that senior year is almost approaching, and of course, college.
Gathering myself and hugging my knees close to my chest, I chose to stargaze and count the little twinkling dots, acting like I can. It was the only way I knew to forget that I was almost drawn to commit the act on stepping on a land mine I vowed to never be caught up again.
Failing and making sense over myself that it is fairly stupid to count things never meant to be counted manually, causing my head to twirl and get lost in a dizzy spell, I found it sane to connect the dots itself instead.
Playing with the notebook, flipping it up and down like how you would with a swiss knife, only less dangerous and less solid, I breathed out a lot of air as a memory along with an uncomfortable chilling breeze went through me. Like a ghost showcased in movies, it only passed through, leaving me that hallow and empty feeling that was hard to fill up with anything. It was just there, void of any matter—anything that matters.
"It's been long since I stargazed." I looked down at the ground and saw a stone by the tip of my shoes. Picking it up with my other hand, as the other was still holding the notebook, I tossed it up and caught it, making it roll on my palm as I continue. "I usually lay on a mat under this very same sky back then, pointing out constellations."
Rigel didn't interrupt. For a guy losing his ability to fit in, he sure is perceptive.
"Over there, see those stars huddled up? If you look closely and pinpoint the ones that belonged in the group, you'd see that it's actually a dipper, as how it was called." I giggled and he nodded. "Then on that side is what they call Cassiopeia, named after the queen of Aethiopia in Greek mythology. It's really fancy, but I tend to call it 'w' as it technically is just the letter W."
I kept on with the pointing and the talking, telling him about the zodiacs and the change of constellations every season, till we got to talk about Orion, and he listened even more attentively, ears perked in a way that makes me want to laugh. But I held it in.
I continued, eager and more into it than before, having been able to get a person not getting bored with how my stories usually go. It's been a long time since I felt it, being listened to, and I'm not going to let go of it just yet.
"Orion's not really a top pick out of the constellations I like, but it's the first thing I can immediately see when I look up. It's the easiest constellation I could spy," I said, remembering those times when I was out our yard with only the lights of fireflies near. With this kind of town, it was easier to spot blinking stuff, not much street lights and all of that. Probably one of the reasons why I like it, despite hating it at all cost. "I think Rigel—the star—is right there by its leg. I haven't read about much on the subject so I'm not quite sure which one."
He lied down on the grass, exclaiming a breath as he stretched his body. "You really like them, don't you?"
"Huh?" I stared at him, confused. "Which one are you talking about?"
He nudged his head upwards as his gaze was directly pointed at me. "The stars of course. You barely stopped talking about them."
I rolled my eyes and snorted. "I never stop rambling even without the stars being brought up." I pulled my knees closer, only to find that there's no space left to get it even closer to my chest, thumping loudly enough for me to hear. "I thought you already know that? I was practically rambling all the time and you knew it!"
"True. But you weren't smiling as wide."
I froze and sunk in my head. Was I really showing that?
It has been long since I did talk about stars, or ramble about them anyway. Things have changed since I was ten. Looking at the sky was the least of my priorities, though I never gave up at glancing above when I had the chance, especially when I was alone on that rock. But every time I did, I would hear a crack from my insides, and it seems like I can hear it again.
"We should head back," I said, an attempt to stop myself from saying random and unnecessary stuff again. And maybe stop this fuzzy feeling altogether.
He agreed and so we walked down the cliff, steady and slow as the light from the lamp post wasn't enough to help us see through the street.
The dark was comforting, as it always is. The blackness and haziness of your view clouds the things you wouldn't want to notice; a red dyed ear, a tomato like face, the smile playing on my face as I threaded down, him beside me, never a faltering presence. It makes me less uneasy. Less conscious of a remark I wouldn't survive.
But above all this fluffy feelings is a reminder, a warning stamped on top of my head. I should keep in mind that he's not who he appears to be and having such thoughts in a first meeting seems wrong.
Perhaps looks really play a very important role in all of this. Like I don't already know that.
I hug myself and lowered my head, fastening my pace so that I'd reach home.
"Is it really this quiet around here?"
"Huh?" I was still locked up into my inner thoughts when he said that, so I didn't get what he meant. When he tipped his head to the side, motioning towards the street with his hands tucked in the pockets of his pants, I immediately understood. "You mean this town, specifically this part of town? Pretty much."
He nodded, but clearly he was amused. Perhaps I was right about him being a city boy. He didn't respond after what I said, only gazing beyond the road, keeping his mouth tight lipped.
I look over ahead as well. It is quiet. For so long, I have known that it is and I didn't like it. I complained about it regularly, either in my head and out loud. The town being perfectly silent, like a graveyard with only the dead hovering in its lands reminded me of how much I lost everything because of it.
But without the silence, the peace as how most people calls it, would I be able to take in a lost star by the edge of nowhere? That probably doesn't even make any sense. I still have to find out if taking him in is a good thing or not. I knew it is crazy, and I maybe out of my mind, but who knows right?
My life, as I can recall, is already messed up. Perhaps it doesn't matter if I ruin it using my own hands before moving on, changing Rebecca into a new version of herself, no more about her name.
I peeked at Rigel at the corner of my eye and wondered. When I felt like he was going to look at me too, I returned my gaze back on the road. And we continued to walk.