Am I hurt? Yes!
Am I in deep pain? Of course!
It was hard to process everything on my mind. Those words from Shan last night lingered on my head like an unwanted tattoo. That moment he said to me that he's still into her. Like he said, he's looking forward to talk to her again. That moment he said if you love the person, you ain't gonna look on her bad side.
I can't blame him, and I'm not really blaming him, do I? He was in love. It is natural for him to miss her.
You're such a hypocrite, Ari. Truth is, we are only on the same boat. I was also loving him even when I know there are no chances for him to love me back. Anyone can laugh on how fool I am. Because it's easy to find another guy out there but still, I chose to love someone who is already in love with another girl.
We can't blame ourselves if we chose to stay and numb the pain rather than letting go. That's the power of love. You became blind of the pain. Pin that word on your head, Ari. Don't blame Shan for loving Marga because you yourself are wearing the same shoe that he have. The both of you are crazy in love. The only difference is that there is assurance that Marga will reciprocate the same love to him. But me? I'm sure that Shan can't love me back.
Well, maybe I have to face all the consequences of this love. Since it's my choice at the very beginning. It's my choice to be hurt.
“And so what, you're just going to let him do that?” Shaine asked, chewing a gum on his teeth.
“Do what?"
“Talking to Marga again.” She rolled her eyes. “She is a bitch, duh. I can't believe he's still into that girl. If I were Shan, I will make her feel the same pain she has given to me before.”
“You can't blame him.” I looked down on the floor.
“C'mon, Ari! Don't tell me you're just going to let this happen? Your parents didn't raise you to be a loser, so why are you gonna let yourself defeated on the game?”
I heaved a deep sigh. “Loving Shan is not a game nor a competition. It is only a matter of whom. And between the two of us, I know it's not me. So, just let it be. If he loves Marga then good for the two of them.”
“Seems like you have already accepted your fate. But no, Ari. You have to get what is rightfully yours,” Shaine argued, shaking her head.
“Rightfully mine?” I scoffed. “You know that Shan's never been mine.”
“Not yours because you're just allowing things to happen. If you just have the guts to confess to him but no. You always wait for him to do the first move, but he hasn't.”
That's true. I'm not going to deny that.
I never confess to Shan about my real feelings. Many times have I tried, but my attempts always fell into failures. My courage is not yet enough to confess.
We are good friends, and I was always there in his side. I'm just afraid that if I confess my feelings to him, it might going to affect our friendship. We've been through many things, and we created many memories already. I don't want him to think that I'm taking advantage of our closeness. I'm scared to see his reaction once I started revealing everything to him.
“I'm not the type who does the first move. I'm gold, aren't I?”
“Gold but not yet sold,” Shaine commented, chuckling.
“Who cares.” I rolled my eyes as we both laughed by the way how it rounds.
I'm thankful that Shaine's here. Somehow, there's someone who can make me smile despite the pain I'm battling in my chest. She never gets tired of reminding me that I deserve a better man. And for that, I'm thankful. Her advices and comfort are very much appreciated, but I insist on sticking around.
“Ari, would you like to invite Shan for dinner? Maybe next Saturday again or Sunday, it's up to you,” mom said one time when we are inside the car.
“Oh, Shan!” I exclaimed. I shouldn't make it any obvious that I don't want him to be the topic right now.
“So, what is your plan?” mom asked as she turned left.
We are heading to the nearest coffee shop here in our place to get the signature of the owner and to order our favorite coffee as well. I don't know anything about that, but I'm sure it has something to do with business.
“Maybe next time, mom.”

She nodded her head. “Just say it to us if you want to bond with your friend.”
Correction: If you want to bond with your crush, not just friend.
“Sure. I'll let you know, mom.”
After mom got the business owner's signature and ordered the coffee, she immediately headed back to our house as I stayed for a while. I actually insisted on coming with her just to take a look if Shan's being true to his word. He said that he wants to have a talk with Marga. This is the first place that they should go, if I'm not wrong.
How did I know about it and how sure I am? Well, Marga said yes to Shan right inside this coffee shop. They spent their first coffee date here and this is also the place when Marga broke his heart, telling him that maybe it's better if they'll just part their ways. Shan is the type of person who treasured memories and wherever that memory was created he will always remember the place. He even visited the shop a day after Marga broke up with him, hoping she'd come back.
Shan texted me last night that he is planning to talk to her before the day ends. And today is that day. It's still four in the afternoon, so I presume to see the both of them here.
Look how stupid I am. I should have locked myself in the room or watch movies rather than going to a place that will surely give me pain. But where am I right now? I'm inside the coffee shop where the guy that I admire the most planned to meet the most important girl in his heart. I'm allowing myself to be hurt, and that's pretty insane of me.
I waited for more than a half hour before they finally arrived. As usual, Shan came first as he waited for Marga. He actually doesn't want to make someone wait, that's why he always makes sure of it to come early. Maybe twelve to eighteen minutes after he arrived, Marga came next.
I can see the awkwardness written on their faces when he approached her. Possibly Shan thought of kissing her forehead, but he realized they're not as the same as before, that's why he only showed a smile. He then motioned his hand to the vacant table where he was seated earlier while he was still waiting for Marga to arrive.
I swallowed hard as I can see Shan seating face to face with the girl before him. What could possibly be the feeling, being in front of someone who recently broke your heart? That must be so awkward. They will easily run out of words to say because this set up isn't alike about two friends who greatly miss each other. It is more about two lovers who didn't see each other for a long time because of a break-up.
Of course, their talk will not be complete if the table is empty. After Marga browsed on the menu to choose what she is going to order, Shan called for a waiter and enumerated their orders.
Our distance is not that close, that's why I couldn't hear anything that they're talking about. I can only see Shan's mouth moving, talking calm like he was trying not to raise his voice for it might shake her. Then I can slowly see from here that Marga's hands started to move like she was trying to explain something with right gestures.
Painful feeling. I don't even know why I'm here. At first, my intention was only to confirm if Shan's being true to his word but I didn't expect myself to stay. I want to leave right now at this moment, but something is kinda holding me back, and I don't know what was that.
“Ouch!”
I lifted my gaze when suddenly a guy stood in front of my table, blocking the dramatic scene I'm watching from a distance.
“Are you okay?” At first, I thought he was hurt or something, that's why I ask him. But when I look at him, I got to realized that he was actually joking me.
“You get what I mean, don't you?” He acted holding his chest as he shot a quick glance at his back. “Seeing the guy you love the most being with another girl.” He turned his gaze on me as he chuckled.
Weirdo. I don't even know this guy here, and now he's acting as if he knows me so well.
“I don't know what you're talking about.” I ran away from my table, making my best not to be seen by Shan. When I'm already outside the coffee shop, I look on the glass wall before me as I saw the weird guy waving his hands, smiling.