I guess, I grew up not being the expressive type of person. I always bottle things up and then, burst in silence later. I thought it was a bad thing for me, and thought that it might affect the people around me later.
I told Matthew about it, but his responds flatter me. "You are brave," he said that night. "Alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi mo kailangan kumpirmahin sa iba ang nararamdaman mo, or feel like you are responsible to tell everyone what you feel. You just feel it and keep it in a bottle like a secret message only for yourself— probably to reflect on it and learn for it later."
I never understand myself, until I heard him said those words to me. Nalaman kong hindi pala puro negatibo ang dala no'n sa akin, keeping everything to myself is like avoiding to fell on a rabbit hole and as well as avoiding to hurt anyone.
"But, of course," he proceeded. "Hindi sa lahat ng oras kailangan mong itago ang lahat." That, I know. Pero mahirap para sa 'kin mag-set ng boundaries especially for expressing what I feel. "Sometimes, the way to take care of your heart is to tell the people around you of what you really feel, lalo na kung deserve nila na marinig kung ano man ang nararamdaman mo sa kanila." That hit me hard. Maybe, because I relate to it. I never told Dad and Lolo about what I feel. I always hold back to say how much they both mean to me.
Bakit ba lahat ng nakikilala ko, napaka-fluent when it comes on words of wisdoms? Eh ako, halos mabulol sa pagbati pa lang.
But as we continue to talk, marami pa kaming nalaman sa isa't-isa. Untold stories between us begun to be told. His problem was about his friends.
"What about them?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
I heard him sighed on the line. "Hindi ko alam kung kaibigan ko ba talaga sila. I was always there for them; treating them fair and just, but when it's me who lost track— alam mo 'yon—" he stopped midway and took a deep breath.
"You don't get the same treatment?"
Silence fell on the line. It must be hard for him to think about this.
"Siguro masiyado lang akong nag-iisip. Lahat naman tayo ay may kaniya-kaniyang buhay. And it doesn't just revolve around the friendship," he said under his breath. This is gaslighting. Iniisip niya na siya ang problema dahil sumasagi sa isip niya ang hindi patas na pagtrato sa kaniya.
"I was once like that. Pushover," usal ko pa.
"Nag-su-supply ka ng shabu?"
Natawa ako. "Oo," biro ko pabalik.
"Biro lang. Proceed."
"Iniisip ko na ako 'yung problema. That I was thinking too much and it affects my relationship with my friends. But later on, I realized it wasn't just me. Mga kaibigan ko rin," I continued. "I understand if they were no where to be found most of the time, pero pag ako na 'yung nangangailangan ng space, I couldn't save myself because they needed me. I'm not asking for them to help, I just need space to breathe."
Nanatili itong tahimik.
"You see, it wasn't your fault that you are thinking about how unfair they were when it comes to you, sometimes, the problem is them," dagdag ko.
His smile made a soft sound. "Marami kang alam pagdating sa relasyon sa mga tao." I wasn't sure if he was impressed. "Have you been in a relationship before? I mean, hindi lang sa friends, like romantic one?"
Hindi agad ako nakatugon. I was hesitant. I never open up to someone about my past relationship. "OK lang ba na sabihin ko sa 'yo ang tungkol do'n?"
"Oo naman," matulin niyang tugon.
"I was asking myself," natatawang tugon ko. "Well, we're friends naman. I think, it's alright."
"Yup, friends."
"Uhm, where do I start?"
"From the beginning, kung kailan kayo unang nagkakilala." Tumawa ito. I thought he was mocking me, but I realized it was a nervous laugh. Bakit naman siya ninenerbyos? "Joke lang. Kahit sa'n mo gusto."
"Well, we met during our senior year in high school. He's the reason why I have trust issues." I stood up from bed and went to the kitchen to eat ice cream.
He was surprised. "Ano naman ginawa niya?"
"I thought we were in a fairytale, everything's in line; it was perfect. Until I found out from one of his friends that I was part of the game. They made a bet, transferee kasi ako."
"Parang wattpad," komento niya.
Nang maubos ko ang ice cream, I went on the terrace and glance at the orange hue of sky. Sun is about to set down. "Sana nga pang-wattpad talaga. You know, with happy endings. Pero, hindi ako 'yung tipo ng tao na nagbibigay ng second chance. I left him and end things pretty fast." If there's one thing I learned from my past relationship, lies can be disguise as butterflies and daffodils. Sa sobrang ganda, hindi mo mapapansin na peke pala, unless you try to see it upclose. Glad I didn't give him all, or else I'd hate myself.
"Nakapag-usap ba kayo, or you just disappear like a ghost? Alam niya bang alam mo na 'yung patungkol sa paglalaro niya?" sunod-sunod na tanong ni Matt. I chuckled as I went to sit on my study table. "Pasensya na, na-curious ako bigla. Kung ayaw mong sagutin, it's fine."
Thinking about it now after three years, I think, I missed that part. "Hindi na. We attended separate schools after graduation, which I thought was a good thing. I don't have to deal with him in person," kwento ko. "I just disappear. Naisip ko na alam naman na niya siguro kung bakit ko 'yon ginawa."
"So, you have unfinished business with him?"
Sinandal ko ang sarili sa upuan. I threw my head back and rest it on the seat, glancing up to the ceiling. Nangunot ang noo ko. "Hindi ko naisip na ganu'n pala ang tawag do'n?" Marahan akong natawa.
"Oo," he answered firmly. "What if—"
"Tigilan na natin 'tong topic na 'to," pagpigil ko sa kaniya.
He chuckled. "Wait, hear me out. What if it wasn't really a game? What if he didn't approach you for that bet, and approached you because he really liked you?"
I bit my lower lip and scoffed secretly. After ending things from my past, things like that never crossed my head, until now. Baka kasi laro nga talaga ang lahat. Sigh. No worries, though. I left everything in the past including those kind of what ifs. It's too dangerous.
"I was once in a relationship, two years ago. Pero may closure kami," an'ya, hindi na hinintay ang tugon ko sa kaniyang tanong. "Hindi na nag-work dahil sa kakulangan sa communication. Hindi na namin naintindihan ang isa't-isa at nauwi na sa pagtatapos lahat," his voice became melancholic. Kahit isang buwan pa lang ang aming pag-uusap, masasabi kong madaling mabasa si Matthew. You can tell right away if he's sad, happy, fluttered, or shy. Even his voice couldn't hide his emotions.
"Tama lang siguro 'yung nangyari sa'tin. We're still young. May mahahanap pa tayong perfectly fit for our hearts." I laughed awkwardly, biglang nahiya sa sinabi ko. But I mean it. I was a fool to start a relationship in my early age. Who would even be serious at that time? Probably a fool; me.
Natawa rin ito ngunit bigla na lang natahimik. "Nahanap ko na ata 'yung sa 'kin." I didn't respond to that. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ba ang dapat maging tugon do'n. I was amazed of his confidence. Gusto kong siyang tanungin kung paano niya iyon nasabi, but before I could, what he said made my tongue tied. "Your ex lose an amazing person." I began to feel my cheeks heat up.
Today, Wednesday, all of us gathered at the quadrangle. May anunsyo patungkol sa foundation day ang dean at head teacher. My phone buzzed, it was for sure no one but Matthew with his good morning greetings. Simula nang malalim na gabing iyon, he never stop messaging me with good mornings and good nights.
"Mamimigay na rin pala ng t-shirts ngayon," sambit pa ni Clover mula sa 'king tabi. Ibinulsa ko ang aking phone at hinarap ito. The end of her hair was curled. Kasalukuyan na kaming nakapila sa quadrangle. Nakadungaw ito mula sa bench kung saan naro'n ang mga student council na inaayos ang ipamimigay nilang t-shirts for this years' foundation day. "Kailangan natin bilisang pumunta do'n mamaya, baka oversized shirt na naman makuha natin." Pinag-krus niya ang kaniyang mga braso. She's wearing a blue hair pin on the both side of her upper hair and a blue ID lace.
"Baka pagkamalan ka na namang nanguha ng t-shirt sa cabinet ni Tito," biro ko at natawa ng malakas.
Sinamaan ako nito ng tingin. "Porket bagay sa'yo 'yung oversized shirt!" pagmamaktol na aniya.
Tinapik ko siya sa balikat.
Maya-maya ay nag-anunsyo na ang head teacher. "Alam niyo namang malapit na ang foundation day, isang buwan na lang." She sounded like she's about to scold all of us. Mabuti at hindi. Gano'n lang talaga ang kaniyang boses. "Have you prepare all your materials for the competition? Lalo na para sa mga ABM students d'yan."
"Woooh!" Clover and Julianna shouted in joy beside me. Tinaas pa nila sa ere ang kanilang mga kamay. "Pahingi puhunan!" sigaw pa ni Clover dahilan para pagtawanan siya ng ilang kapwa namin estudyante na nakarinig.
A month ago, nabigyan na kami ni Mr. Pio ng heads-up para sa kompetisyon. He is our professor in Business Marketing. He gave us the critics on the competition, which I find a little bit hard. Gagawa lang naman kami ng booth, mag-iisip ng sariling theme. Noong una akala ko ay 'yun lang ang aming gagawin. But aside from the fact that we are the one to design our booths, kailangan namin ng mataas na sales at maraming customers upang makapasok sa top 5, and then, if we maintain our sales, maari pa kaming manalo.
The announcement continued, the dean told us that there will be supplies of foods for our lunch sa loob ng isang linggo. Ang mga mahahalagang bagay na magagamit namin for constructing our booth, ay mahahanap na rin sa school hall, but when to start will be his call. Tatawagan niya na lang ang mga seksyon na pakukuhain na niya ng materials upang iwas gulo. He also announced that there will be outsiders, professionals who will judge the competition on the foundation day. Nakaramdam lalo ako ng kaba.
"Lalim ata ng iniisip mo?" Pag-angat ko ng tingin, bumungad sa akin ang poste. Ngunit bago pa man ako sumalpok do'n, Clover grab my uniform from behind. I continue to pick up my pace, but this time, on a clear path.
I nodded, aminado. It wasn't easy, lalo na para sa section namin na wala pang plano sa darating na kompetisyon. I wanted to ask them about it pero, ayoko namang magmarunong gayong wala naman akong ma-i-aambag na ideya para sa magiging booth namin. Lahat ata may ideya na sa gagawin nila. "What theme of booth do you think everyone will like---" My tongue automatically froze when I turn my head to someone I thought was Clover.
He plastered a soft smile. "I think what you think will be perfect," aniya pa. "Umurong ka rito, maraming dumadaanan." He grab my sleeves using his forefinger and thumb, and pull me near him. Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa kaniyang labi. "You look startled. Na-starstruck ka ba sa 'kin?" Sinabi niya iyon habang panay iwas sa aking paningin. His soft smile turned smug. He's wearing a grey sweater. Nakasuklay pagilid ang  kaniyang buhok na tila nilagyan pa ng wax. His manly perfume went through my nose up to my head as if I obliged myself to memorize it.
"Yabang ah!" is all I can say, and then smirked at him. "Porket maayos buhok mo ngayon. Nilagyan mo ba 'yan ng baby oil?" Natawa ako, ngunit agad ring sumeryoso.
"Baliw, mantika ng pinaglutuan kong chicken 'yan." Natawa muli ako, but I don't think I can held my laughter like I did just seconds ago. Hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili na matawa. "Ang mahalaga napansin mo." He winked. "I'll see you around," he wave and smiled. Tinalikuran ako nito at nagsimulang maglakad palayo. I stared at his broad back still grinning. Napailing na lamang ako ng ulo.
Paglingon ko muli upang hanapin sana si Clover, I found her from the distance looking at me already. Pinagkrus niya ang kaniyang mga braso at naniningkit ang mga mata. I laughed as I approach her.
We sat in front of the table facing each other. Nakabili na ito ng aming pagkain. "For our lunch, mayro'n tayong adobo. But before we start, sino ang kausap mo kanina, who's that tall guy?" Tinignan ako nito ng deretso sa mata, tagos ang tingin sa loob ng pupils ko.
I giggled because of her facial expression. "No one, just a new friend." Iinom sana ako ng tubig nang hawakan nito ang kamay ko. I glare at her. "Can we eat?"
"A NEW FRIEND?" she exclaimed, causing some eyes to point at our direction. Nakaramdam siya ng hiya sa kaniyang ginawa at binulong na lamang ang sumunod na salitang lumabas sa kaniyang bibig. "When and how did you meet?" 
"Is this an interrogation?" Hindi ito natigil at tumitig lang sa akin. I know Clover and she won't stop unless she get the answer she wants to know. "Three weeks ago."
Her eyes and nostril bulged at the same time. "You!" Dinuro nito ang mukha ko. Agad ko iyong ibinaba. "I never saw you smile and laugh that comfortable to someone. Kahit nga mga kaklase natin na ilang buwan na nating kasama eh, hindi mo nangingitian ng gano'n. This is unusual."
I wonder if Clover's just being exaggerated. Yet, looking at her this serious and surprised, I think she's not exaggerating. I always set boundaries to everything and everyone, including my best friend, Clover. I smile when I feel like I need to, and I smile if I don't find a word to respond to anyone if they talk to me. And foremost, I distance myself to people to avoid them to figure out anything about me, or else, they'll use it against me. Ang gusto ko lang maalala nila mula sa akin ay ang ngiti ko. Because it's not a threat, well, not if I wear it as I kill someone.
But for the first time, I never felt any judgement from Matthew. Unlike the people I met before. Gaya ni Clover, dahilan kung bakit ko siya naging kaibigan, his eyes are so pure that it feels like he's looking at you like he's only trying to figure out how good you are as a person, and not trying to seek for any threats that he'll use against you. Additional to that, his gestures, it's like a natural movement of his body; gentle and careful.
"Iba na 'yan, Mavis! Omg, marami kang dapat na i-kwento sa akin." Nginitian ko lamang si Clover. Ngunit dahil sa pangungulit nito, I started to tell her some things that she wanted to know, which seems to be a long list of questions.