Kiss
Pagkalabas ko ng banyo, parang walang nangyari. Parang hindi ako umiyak. I acted normal and as much as possible I hide the sadness in my eyes.
Talagang nagpalipas muna ako sa banyo para hindi mahalata na umiyak ang mga mata ko.
Nakita kong bakante ang higaan ko at walang ibang gumalaw. At ito na naman akong umaasang pumasok siya sa kwarto para silipin ako ng tignan ko ang pintuan nakasarado.
Maybe I should stop assuming and hoping things that will only lead me to misery.
Nagbihis na ako at agad nahiga. Not minding kung dito ba siya matutulog basta inisip ko nalang ang lahat lahat ng gagawin ko maiwasan ko lang ang mas lalo pang pagkahulog sa kaniya.
Dahil sa totoo lang, hindi ko kayang makaramdam ng ganitong sakit. I don't want to be in the same situation when I was a kid and have this heart failure.
Ayoko na ulit bumalik sa hospital at puro pagpapagaling ang iniisip. I want to live my life as freely as I can and possible. And I don't want to live in pain.
Not anymore.
Kinabukasan, nag-aga akong magising at magluto ng sarili ko. The side of my bed looks empty and neat. But I don't mind it at all. It's okay.
Alam ko namang hindi mo mapipilit ang isang tao para suklian ang nararamdaman mo. At nasa sa iyo na iyon kung ipipilit mo ang nararamdaman mo sa kaniya. But in my case, I won't ever force someone to love me just because I love them. I won't tell them that I love them just to love me back.
If they do really love me, then show me. Make me feel that they love me. I think that's important for many boys. They must persuade girls and women by their love. They must show it in very sincerest way they can and prove their intentions.
Enough with that thought!
Kasalukuyan na ako ngayong nasa isang coffee shop. It's actually not so early but I just passed by to grab me some coffee. Kailangan ko kasi para magising na ako sa katotohanan, char!
"One Café macchiato please, take out!" I said and lend my money. Umalis din naman ako agad doon pagkatanggap ko ng order ko.
Nakalabas na ako ng may biglang humigit sa akin.
"Omg! How dare you to—" my sentence stopped when I saw who grab me.
It was him, Dan.
"Tang*na, ang tagal kitang hinahanap sa condo tapos andito ka lang pala ulit. Bakit makikipagkita ka ba ulit doon?" his hair disheveled by his sudden grip of it but they look stylish for me. Or maybe because every style suit for him. Or maybe it was just my eyes.
"Bakit mo pa kasi ako hinanap? Atsaka, excuse me! Really? Ganyan ba talaga kalandi tingin mo sa akin?" I asked him sarcastically. Grabe ang sama naman ng tingin niya sa akin.
Do I look like someone who will be a great b*tch of the town?
Binawi ko ang kamay ko mula sa hawak niya. Na starstruck ata siya sa sinabi ko at hindi nagtagal ay nabawi ko ang kamay ko. Ngunit agad din naman niya akong hinigit pabalik sa pwesto ko kanina.
"Sumabay kana sa akin." he said like he's out of his mind.
Agad naman akong tumawa, "Are you kidding me? Our deal, remember?"
"Uh... Yeah. Take care then..." he was about to turn when he stops, "wait, uh did you...uhmm..." nauutal pa siya at ako namang si tanga inaantay rin pa ang sasabihin niya.
"what?"
"Uh, I just want to inform you that I go out last night..." he finally said.
"Oh, okay then. What more?" kinda shocked by what he said but I don't want to show it. Atleast not to him.
"Ah yeah, nothing more. You can go now. Ahh, baka malate ka." I can feel that there's something more but I don't want to meddle anymore.
Tumango na lamang ako sa kaniya at nag-umpisa na muling maglakad. Nag commute ulit ako papuntang school habang iniinom ang kape ko. Nagsisimula na ulit akong alalahanin ang sinabi niya.
He go out last night.
Where did he go, though? Did he had fun? Anong oras na siya umuwi? May kasama kaya siya?
Then my mind fly away with this thoughts. How did he judge me makes me judge him too. But then, I don't want to hurt myself anymore.
I don't want to become martyr. So what if he go out with someone else? Just make sure that he won't make scandal, just what he was worried from.
Pagkarating kong school, madami na agad ang nagkukumpulan. And based from what I'm seeing, Dan is already at school together with his friends. Nakaupo sila ngayon sa isang puno nakaharap sa gate kaya naman pagkapasok ko, sila agad nakita ko.
Nagkukumpulan din ang mga babae sa gilid nila pero halos walang makalapit bukod doon sa isang matangkad na babaeng naglalakad ngayon palapit sa kanila.
I watch how she walks towards them. She confidently shows off her Louis Vuitton bag and Valentino heels. Halatang yayamanin na lalong bumagay sa mala porselana niyang kutis. Though, she looks skinny for me but I notice how Dan looks at her. Nagtagal pa ito at ikinagulat ko ng makalapit na ang babae sa kaniya at bigla siyang halikan sa pisngi. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ng babae pero wala naman siyang ginawa para pigilan ito.
"See ya again later!" malapit na ako sa kinaroroonan nila when I heard what the girl says.
I stopped immediately on my track, my eyes were glued at them.
Nagtawanan ang mga barkada ni Dan while some of the girls here at my side chuckling with each other while others throwing some hate towards the girl. Though, the girl don't bother looking at the other way and walk herself out of the crowd.
His friends are cheering for him, saying how he's so lucky to have that kind of chick. He was smiling too that he rarely used with me. At ng tumingin siya sa banda ko agad nagtama ang mga mata namin.
Doon lang ako natauhan at agad akong naglakad palabas ng school namin.
The scene was so romantic that it plays over and over on my head. I heard someone calling my name. But I'm too preoccupied of the thought me leaving and ditching my classes.
My walks are too fast na inunahan ko na ang isang babae at sumakay ako bigla sa taxing nakaparada. Agad ko ring isinara ang pintuan.
"Kuya, ano pang hinihintay mo? Magdrive kana, please!"
"Pero Ma'am kasi..." naputol ang sasabihin pa ni Kuya ng nag-umpisa ng magsipatakan ang mga luha ko. Mukhang naawa ata sa akin si Kuya at agad ng pinaandar ang sasakyan at umalis.
Inabutan niya din ako ng tissue na siyang kinuha ko agad. I forced myself not to cry anymore and wiped all the tears on my face.
'Nakakahiya ka, Zan!' I told myself on my mind. Nang medyo kumalma na ako, kinuha ko ang cellphone ko.
Nagulat ako ng makitang madami na ditong missed calls and messages. Pinunasan ko pa ulit ang mga mata ko to properly see who was it.
Only to find out that it was really, Dan.
Dan calling...
He's calling again. Siya ba iyong tumatawag sa akin kanina? He did really saw me?
Napasandal ako sa upuan at napatapik sa noo ko.
'Ano ngayon ang iisipin niya Zan. Nakita ka niyang parang tanga tumakbo palabas ng school, goodness!'
Nabalik lamang ako sa sarili ng muling magsalita ang driver, "Miss saan kita ibababa?"
Sinagot ko naman siya at sinabi ang address ni Zach. It's so sudden but he's the only person in my mind I know will help me.
Nakarating ako sa bahay nila Zach at swertehang andoon siya. He is at their house busy studying. At andito ako para guluhin siya.
"Zach..." tawag ko sa kaniya sa mababang boses. He immediately look at me and scan my from head to toe and suddenly stops when he see my eyes.
I don't know what I look like right now, but maybe I'm a mess.
"Who did it?" he angrily said. I don't know what's gotten into him but upon being with him makes me in tears again.
Nagiging emotional ako kapag andyan siya. I don't need to hide anything from him. That's how comfortable I am with him.
Agad agad siyang lumapit sa akin at niyakap ako.
We just stood there and he let me cry on his shoulders. He just hug me so tight feeling like I'm not alone in this world. Na may kasama ako, na may partner ako.
Hindi pa rin ako makalma at ewan ko ba kung bakit. The scene just play on my mind whenever I open my eyes nor I close my eyes.
"Sa taas na tayo, baka maabutan tayo dito nila Papa." bulong niya sa akin. Agad naman akong tumango tango pero nanatili pa rin ang mukha ko sa kaniya. Nakayakap ang isang kamay sa akin, inakay niya ako papunta sa kwarto niya.
Narinig ko pa siyang nagpaakyat ng pagkain pero hindi ko na ito naintindihan pa ng unti unting mahilo ako at magdilim bigla ang paningin ko.
"Zan...Zan omg, Zan..." vague voice of Zach was what I heard before finally everything comes to black.