CHAPTER 6
"So, your second girlfriend is your first love?"
"Yeah. You could say that." Kibit balikat niyang sambit.
"Paano kung magkita ulit kayo? Anong gagawin mo?"
"I-I don't know...Hindi ko naisip iyan."
"Kung ganoon ay isipin mo na ngayon din."
Curious kasi talaga ako kung anong gagawin niya. Kung sakali mana na magkita sila ay, baka magkabalikan sila?
Sana naman hindi.
Ba't naman hindi?
Wala na nababaliw na talaga ako.
Kinakausap ko na sariling konsensya ko.
"Hindi ko talaga alam. Siguro kung magkikita man kami ay doon na natin makikita anong gagawin ko." Aniya. Pagkatapos 'kuno' niya mag-isip.
Nang hindi ako sumagot ay nagsalita ulit siya.
"What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?" Nakataas ang kilay na tanong niya.
"Nah. Wala." iling-iling kong sabi. "Bata pa ako. Atsaka wala pa sa isip ko ang magkaroon."
"Why? How old are you now?"
"19. Bakit?"
"You're not that young. Teenagers nowadays have been in a relationship and currently in a relationship. Mga ka'edad mo."
"Yeah. I know. Pero kasi wala pa 'yan sa isip ko. Hindi iyan pumasok sa isip ko. Marami pa akong gagawin kesa pumasok sa isang relasyon." Litanya ko.
"You've never been in a relationship either?"
"No. Hindi pa." Nakunot ang noo kong sagot.
"Ba't ba big deal sa mga tao ngayon ang mga walang jowa? Ang mga wala pang jowa? Kailangan ba talaga magjowa?"
Kailangan ba talaga iyon? Hindi ba pwedeng wala lang sa mood magjowa?
Hindi siya sumagot at nagkibit-balikat lang.
Tumingin siya sa kalangitan na ngayon ay papalubog na ang araw.
Nakikita ko ang side ng mukha niya.
Marahang tumatama ang sikat ng papalubog na araw sa kanyang mukha na lalong nagpatingkad sa kagwapohan niya.
His long-pointed nose, red lips, and strong jaw, the side of his neck and his Adams apple bobbled up and down when he swallowed came into my view as I shifted my eyes to take a glance at him.
"Have you ever been in love?"
Tanong niya pagkaraan ng ilang sandaling pananahimik. He threw a glance at me and went back again to the orange and yellowish sky, the sun setting.
"N-No. I haven't." Nagulat ako sa tanong niya pero hindi ko ipinahalata. Hindi ko inaasahan na tatanongin niya ako ng ganoon biglaan.
"What does being in love feel like? I've never been close to being in love with anyone, so I truly don't know what it feels like."
"Falling in love is like giving a person a loaded gun and let them point it in your heart, but you're trusting them not to pull the trigger." He said.
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. Umusog pa ako ng kaunti papalayo sa kanya.
"That's scary." I whispered. Humawak sa dibdib, para protektahan ang puso ko.
"No, it's not." Natawa pa siya sa  reaksyon ko.
"Falling in love is like falling in a big pool of warm chocolate. It's exciting, warm and engulfing." Patuloy niya pa.
"Falling in love...is one of the most beautiful feeling…you will feel in your entire life. Falling in love is the best thing that can emotionally happen to a human being. It's a wonderful feeling." He said.
"There really isn't anything better –emotionally– than  falling in love." He stared at me and continued. "It's even better than falling in a big pool of warm chocolate, until you drown in it."
"You should try that." Dagdag niya pa.
"I don't have time for that. Besides, I only want love from my parents, my family. I don't want nor need a love from anyone except if it's from my family, of course. I don't need love from a certain man." I said.
It's true. I need the love from my family. Not from anyone else but from them. I want their love. I crave for it.
I don't need someone who will love me just to experience that kind of feeling. My family's love for me is enough to make me feel that, to make me feel the 'most beautiful feeling' he quote. I will feel that kind of feeling if only my family will love me. Will love me, the way I wanted to be loved. The love that I am craving for so long...the love that I want and need my whole life.
And I can only experience the 'most beautiful' feeling if my family can love me that way. Then, that's when I can finally say...I have felt the 'most beautiful' feeling in my entire life.
For now, I don't need someone's love. I just need my family's. But I am sure I will want and need that love from a certain man. Just not now...maybe soon.
But I think I know what does falling in love feels like...just by listening to him and to what he said. I think I know what it feels like, just by watching romance movie, k-dramas and reading romance novels. Though I haven't really fallen in love.
For me, falling in love is safe and scary at the same time.
It feels safe because we have  one person by our side all the time.
It feels like we have found our world.
It also feels like  someone else also found their own world in us.
Falling in love makes us feel valued
And desired.
It feels like we are high on cocaine. Just that in this case, it's not cocaine but life itself.
Life becomes more colorful, vibrant and bright.
BUT
Falling in love also feels scary.
We invest so much –sometimes all– of our emotions in one single person.
It is like investing all your money in one stock.
Falling in love is scary because you don't know what can happen.
And you’re going to be scared of losing them because when you’re in love, you care about that person more than anything in the world and you love them.
So much to the point where you might end up hurting yourself.
Falling in love is scary because there is a chance that love is not returned.
Unrequited love.
Its scary.
You'll feel like shit and you'll blame yourself because their feelings aren't pointing towards you.
Falling in love with someone is a risk.
YET
Falling in love is the most beautiful thing of all.
Even with all of this scary stuff. Love is still an a amazing thing. Love is beautiful. Love is an indescribable feeling. Once you're in love, you're living.
Texas is right, indeed love is the most beautiful feeling. Whether it's from someone or from my family.
Tumitig siya ng matagal sa akin. Pero hindi nagsalita. He didn't ask me or anything regarding my answer to him.
Instead, he asked, "Do you have a crush on someone right now?"
I think I have.
"How do you know you have a crush on someone?" Instead of answering his question, I answered his question another question.
Yes, I think I know what it feel to fall in love but I don't know what it feel like to have a crush on someone.
Am I even making sense?
I don't know anymore.
"What? Are you saying...you've never have a crush?!" He exclaimed.
"I d-don't know, okay! That's why I'm asking you! What if I really have a crush on someone but I didn't know?” I exclaimed, too.
"What the fuck?" Malutong niyang mura.
"Minumura mo ba ako?" Nakataas ang kilay at masama ang tingin na tanong ko sakanya.
"W-What no..no! Of c-course not. No!" Natatarantang aniya.
"Siguraduhin mo lang." Masama ang tingin ko sa kanyang sabi.
Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. Kitang-kita ko ang palihim niya paglunok.
Natakot ko ata.
"So, ano nga?!" Nawawalan ng pasensiyang tanong ko.
"How to know if you have a crush on someone? This is just my opinion, okay?" He sighed.
"Kung crush mo ang isang tao, maaring attracted ka lang sa kanyang pisikal na characteristics kahit hindi mo pa siya gaanong kilala." He answered my question. "Para sa akin lang iyan, ah." Dagdag na aniya.
"Hmm. Kung ganoon...marami akong crush? Pwede ba iyon?" Nagugulat kong sambit.
"What do you mean marami kang crush?" I swear I saw his eyes darkened and his jaw clenched when he heard what I said.
"E, sabi mo crush mo na iyong taong maaaring attracted ka...kung ganoon nga ay andami kong crush." I exclaimed.
"Oh em gee!" I gasped.
I dramatically held my cheeks with my both hands, my jaw dropped because of the realization.
"I am attracted to...like every man in..." I added.
"Every man in what? Who are you attracted to, huh, Italia?" Mariin niyang tanong sa akin. His eyes darkened and jaw clenching. I can even hear his teeth clenching.
"Does this mean I have a crush on them? Like all of them?" I asked him, no, more like to myself.
"Them? Who are those men that you have a crush on, Italia?!" His voiced thundered. I can see that he is getting impatient.
"Is it normal, though? To have a crush on them?" Instead I asked him. Not answering his question.
"Who's them, Italia Rhay?!" He impatiently asked. Nasulyapan ko siya ng saglit.
Nakakunot ang noo. Madilim ang mga matang mariin ang tingin sa akin. Matiim ang mga labi. At umiigting na panga, halatang nagpipigil ng galit.
Mas lalo siyang gumwapo 'pag galit siya.
"Hollywood stars and k-pop idols, of course!" I finally answered his question.
Medyo natakot ako nang makita ang galit niyang mukha kaya naman sinagot ko na ang tanong niya.
"W-What?"
"Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba may nakita akong attractive dito? Siyempre wala!" Ngumuso ako.
Wala naman akong nakitang gwapo dito sa amin. Well, meron naman pero hindi ako naattract sa kanila para maging crush ko sila maliban lang sa kanya.
"Oh! I think may crush na ata ko na taga dito."
Does this mean...
"Sino?"
"Sino pa ba edi ikaw! Gwapo ka naman. Matangkad. Mabango. Matalino. Tsaka aaminin ko naattract ako sa iyo. Unang kita ko palang sayo." I said with honesty.
"Pwedeng ikaw nalang crush ko?"