"Sasamahan kita."
And huli niyang sinabi ay siyang mas tumatak sa aking isipan. Na kahit anong pilit ko itong alisin sa aking utak ay hindi pa rin ito mawala. Para bang isa itong memoryang hindi makakalimutan dahil hindi mo gustong kalimutan.
It was tempting. I was slowly tempted with his words and I am trying so hard to push myself away from the temptation.
Kung sakaling gusto ko mang bumalik sa nakakasilaw na liwanag na matagal ko nang iniwan apat na taon na ang nakaraan, I want no one else to depend on other than myself. Just the thought of depending other people for your growth makes me belittle my own self. And one more thing, it's so hard to depend your life in this world when everything will not last forever but temporary.
At the end of the day, the people you've met now will leave you, not now but soon enough. Everyone will leave you behind with an aching heart, even when you liked it or may not. They may stay by your side for a long time but they'll never last long permanently.
That's how our life works. You've met different people and leave you eventually when their role in your life finally comes to an end.
People come and go.
I let out a heavy sigh of turbulent feelings. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili kung bakit naaabala ako sa ideyang iiwan din ako ni Levitticos balang araw. I should not feel bothered about it since I'm already used of being left behind all by myself, pero hindi ko mapigilang malito. Hindi ko mapigilang mangamba.
"May problema ba?" Bigla akong nakaahon mula sa malalim na pag-iisip nang may biglang nagsalita sa aking gilid. Agad akong napabaling sa nag-aalalang si Levitticos na nakatayo sa aking tabi na may dala-dalang isang baso ng gatas. I stared at him for a moment before shaking my head.
"Wala naman," I tried my very best to ignore his concerned look for me.
"If something was bothering you, Zynelle, you can count on me." He sincerely said.
For the nth time, no words came out from my mouth because of him, because of his genuine words. His words were comforting while his voice was like therapy. It's as if it has the power to heal your wounded heart and can calm down your insane senses.
After four years trying to pushed the people away from me, this is the first time I felt this way. Sa tuwing nagbibitaw siya ng senserong mga salita, bigla na lang akong nawawala sa pag-iisip. Na para bang hinihila ako nito sa mundong kulay kalawakan lang ang iyong makikita kung iyong titingnan.
Masarap sa pakiramdam. 'Yan ang lagi kong nararamdaman sa tuwing pinaparamdam niya sa akin ang tunay na pag-aalala. Walang halong biro. Walang halong kaplastikan. Puro pagpapakatotoo lamang.
For the past three months of him being my personal butler, I can clearly say that he is really a genuine person. He never fakes his actions towards me nor lies every word he speaks. He was true, a genuine person, I gave him that.
I was panting so hard to collect my steady breathing. Another night to deal with my past again. Sa mga nagdaang gabi na lang ako nito dinadalaw. My parents' lifeless body keeps on playing in my head like it was the only scenario that happened in my past that my mind has remembered.
Walang gabing nakakatulog ako ng mahimbing katulad ng lagi kong hinihiling. I want to sleep long at least once but I still ended up breathing heavily every night. I shouted in frustration as I throw away the sleeping pills that was placed above my head. Kahit alam kong wala na itong silbi sa akin ay gumagamit pa rin ako nito sa pagbabakasakaling matutulungan ako nitong makatulog ng mahimbing.
Hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari sa paligid ko. Basta bigla na lang akong bumalik sa reyalidad mula sa pagwawala ng may isang malaking braso ang yumakap sa nanghihina kong katawan. Because of the warm embrace from someone, ang nagwawala kong kalamnan ay unti-unting kumalma.
"Shh... It's okay, Zynelle. I'm here..." Levitticos continuously uttered those words as he gently rubbed my back, calming me down.
Habang tumatagal ang mga yakap niya sa akin ay unti-unti kong namamalayan ang sariling tinutugon ang mainit niyang mga yakap. I hugged him back using the same amount of tightness like his warmth embrace he was giving me. I closed my eyes as I rested my head over his chest.
His warmth is so comforting. I can't help but feel comfortable in his warm embrace. His presence was like a great solace to my lifeless life.
Hindi ko namalayan kung ilang oras kaming magkayakap sa isa't-isa. Basta ang naalala ko lang ay unti-unti akong hinihila ng antok dahil sa kanyang mga yakap. Mga yakap na walang ibang hatid kung hindi ay masarap at mainit sa pakiramdam.
Dahan-dahan kong inimulat ang aking mga mata mula sa mahimbing na pagkakapikit. Agad na bumungad sa akin ang masayang si Levitticos habang inilipat sa bed tray table ang mga agahan. Sobrang aliwalas ng kanyang mukha na para bang sobrang sarap ng kanyang tulog.
"You looked happy," My sleepy voice echoed.
Dahil sa biglaan kong pagsasalita ay agad kong nakuha ang kanyang buong atensyon. My face crumbled as he faced me with his bright smile. I can't help but to roll my eyes at the sight of his beaming face.
"Good morning, Zynelle," He greeted with enthusiasm.
Mas lalong sumama ang mukha ko sa paraan niya ng pagbati sa akin. What's up with him?
"What's gotten into you? Did you perhaps hit your head somewhere or something?" My eyebrows rose up, still confused at his bright mood.
"Wala naman," He answered cheekily, which made me frown even more.
"Can you stop smiling like that? You looked creepy,"
"Ha? Ano ba 'yang sinasabi mo, Zynelle? Ikaw, ah pinagtutuunan mo ako masyado ng pansin,"
Hindi ko mapigilang taasan siya ng kilay at mataray siyang tinapunan ng tingin dahil sa kanyang sinabi. What nonsense is he talking about this time? How much confidence this guy has?
Pero imbis na pansinin ang sinabi niya ay nagtanong ako muli, "Is the girl you were courting already gave her sweet yes to you?" I asked mindlessly, pinagdiinan pa ang salitang 'yes'.
"Ha? Nililigawan? Masyado pa akong bata para sa lovelife-lovelife na 'yan, madam." Mas lalong tumaas ang aking kilay sa narinig.
"What are you? A teenager who always makes the study first as an excuse when someone asks him out?" I raised a brow on him, hinahamon siya. "When in fact, may karelasyon naman talaga?" I continued.
He made a face because of what he heard from me. My blood boiled.
"What am I? A teenager who was thirsty for a relationship?" He mimicked my voice.
And this time, I am the one who was making a face like he did just a while ago.
"Whatever," Baliwala kong sagot sa kanya na nagpatawa sa kanya ng malakas.
"Asar talo ka talaga, Zynelle." Naiiling niyang sabi, tumatawa pa rin. "Kung meron mang contest para sa mga asar talo, Zynelle. Tayo na mismo ang dadayo at ikaw na agad ang mananalo." Proud na proud niyang pagpapatuloy, nakahawak pa sa kanyang dibdib na para bang may silbi ang sinasabi niya.
Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sariling batuhin siya ng unan na agad niya namang nasalo. Mas lalong lumakas ang nakakaasar niyang tawa dahil sa naging reaksyon ko. Nanggigigil ko siyang tiningnan sa kanyang mga mata. I even showed him how I gritted my teeth in annoyance because of his teasing. He's really a good teaser!
"Can you stop spitting your nonsense? I'm already hungry!" I shouted.
Bigla siyang tumigil sa pagtawa at naaalarmang kinuha ang bed tray table na ngayon ay puno na ng agahan. He carefully put the tray on my side. I was about to grab the utensils but he didn't let me.
"Let me feed you," He sweetly said dahilan para magtaasan ang mga balahibo ko sa aking batok.
In the past three months taking care of me. He never let me feed myself with my own hands, instead he will only let his hands feed me. It was like feeding me was already part of his daily routine.
At first, I really felt uncomfortable at his gesture. It was my first time being treated like a baby by someone I barely knew. But as time passes by, I'm already used to it. And instead to further oppose his actions, I just let him do whatever he wants, but of course, the limitations were still there.
Agad kong iniwaksi ang kakaibang nararamdaman ko na sanhi ng kung paano niya ako tingnan. He was smiling softly while looking at me intently. I silently cleared my throat to pushed away its dryness. I repay his stares for a moment before nodding my head, telling him to do what he wants.
Agad niya namang nakuha ang ibig kong sabihin. Wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang pagmasdan ang bawat galaw niya. When he successfully spoon a spoonful food, dahan-dahan niyang inilalapit sa aking bibig ang kutsara na ngayon ay puno ng pagkain. Nang tuluyan nang makuha ng aking bibig ang pagkain ay marahan akong ngumuya.
Katahimikan ang agad na naghari sa loob ng aking kwarto. Akmang bubuksan ko na sana ulit ang sariling bibig para sana salubungin ang pagkaing isusubo niya sa akin, nang bigla na lang siyang tumigil, dahilan para maiwan sa ere ang kutsarang may pagkain. Nakakunot-noong tinapunan ko ng tingin ang lalaking nasa aking tabi para lang salubungin ng nakakakilabot niyang mga ngiti.
Levitticos was staring at me with his creepy yet sweet smile. He was smiling from ear to ear, it was as if he had a thrilling memory that suddenly came across to his mind. And for the nth time, I got goosebumps for an unknown reason.
"Can you just stop? You looked like crazy," Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sariling punain na naman ang kanyang ngiti.
"Ha?" Lutang niyang sagot pero hindi pa rin mawala-wala ang ngiti sa kanyang mga labi.
"Your smile. It's creepy," I pointed out.
He cleared his own throat bago umupo ng maayos sa aking kama. "Wala ka bang naalala, Zynelle?" Mahina niyang tanong na para bang isa 'yong sikreto na kaming dalawa lang dapat ang nakakaalam.
"I don't really had any clues of what's happening to you today. But please, 'wag mo naman akong idamay sa kung ano mang kabaliwan 'yang nasa isip mo."
I earned a deep sigh from him as if I said something wrong, "Kagabi. Wala ka bang naaalala?" he asked again.
My forehead caressed, trying to understand his weird mind.
"I was sleeping peacefully last night. That's all I could recall and nothing else,"
"Wala talaga? Like, for example, our body was touching each other?" He asked for the nth time.
I raised my brow when I finally recognised what he was trying to point out. But instead of giving him the answer he wanted, I remained silent.
I don't know what's the big deal about what happened last night. We just hugged each other, letting our warmths be shared with one another. Hindi ko alam kung bakit para siyang kinikilig sa tagpong 'yon.
I mean, yes, last night felt somehow amazing but that incident was not even special. We hugged and that's it!
"Ano? Naalala mo na ba?" He excitedly asked again.
I can't help but to hissed at him. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ko kayang tiisin ang ugali niyang ito. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa bang magtagal na kasama siya. This side of him, being this talkative, I gradually got used to it but I still couldn't help but get annoyed.
I looked at his smiling face. He looked like an id*ot waiting for my answer. Hindi ko mapigilang pagtaasan muli ng balahibo sa aking batok habang nakatitig sa mukha niyang kinikilig. But instead of giving him satisfaction, I just raised a brow at him and averted my eyes like nothing happened.
At sa maraming pagkakataon, narinig ko na namang nagpakawala siya ng malalim na hininga. A deep sigh of disappointment.
I can't help but to laugh silently because of his reaction. Somehow, his foolishness isn't that bad at all. He can be a clown on his own.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" I silently asked Levitticos who was sitting beside me.
Kakatapos lang namin maghapunan dalawa. At imbis na pumunta na sa sari-sarili naming mga kama ay mas pinili naming tumambay muna saglit dito sa loob ng maliit na tent.
Levitticos didn't answer my sudden question but he gave me a sideward look. Tinapunan ko rin siya ng tingin saglit bago ibinalik ang mga mata sa madilim ngunit nagliliwanag na kalangitan.
The moon was on its half shape. It was beautiful lalo na't pinalilibutan ito ng mga nagliliwanag na mga bituin. The little light that was given from the stars ay dumagdag sa liwanag ng buwan, making the night sky looks more captivating.
Another silence reigned again in my dark room. . Wala ni isa ang gustong gumawa kahit maliit na ingay. We did nothing but to stare at the shining dark sky above us.
"I want to have a walk outside," I whispered to myself.
But all the amusement I was feeling towards the night sky suddenly change into shocked nang biglang magsalita si Levitticos. It was supposed to be heard by myself only! It's not my intention on letting him heard what's on my mind right now. Pero parang pinaglalaruan ako ng tadhana ngayong gabi at ito na mismo ang gumawa ng paraan para marinig ng lalaking katabi ko ang nasa aking isipan.
Napipilan kong tinapunan ng tingin si Levitticos nang marinig ko mismo ang kanyang sagot sa aking sinabi ngayon-ngayon lang. At mas lalo akong nanigas sa aking pwesto ng biglang magtama ang aming paningin. He was looking at me intently as a gentle smile plastered on his face.
"Let's walk together, Zynelle..." He softly uttered.
***