I was suffering, and I could manage it in a way; however, I had caused others to suffer, and I had no idea why I had to live now and remember the series of terrible decisions that had not seemed so bad at the time. Was that how it was for the majority of people?
“Why not me?”
“Because you’re not Ken.” I answered.
“Even when he’s like that?”
Iminuwestra niya ang kamay niya sa pintuan. What I saw makes me want to cry my eyes out.
I don't identify Ken when he initially appears in front of me; he's too far away and his walk is off. He's more of a scarecrow than a man, and he's lop-sided as well. He's more purple than brown as he nears, and my heart collapses right through my sneakers. He can't see anything out of his left eye because it's swollen, and he won't be able to for a while. His clothes are a complete mess, and his face is still covered in congealed blood. His brittle lips fail him at the first syllable, but I'm already on my feet and sprinting, so he doesn't have to pronounce my name.
As I came close to him, I immediately wrapped my arms around him. My heart and breathing both came to a halt, just stop, in a split second. He's a bleeding mess with swollen eyes and a crushed nose. He's thrown his arms around his guts as if he's holding them in, and to be honest, he's as badly beaten as he could be.
Hindi na siya makapagsalita at hindi ko narin siya pinilit pa. He immediately fell asleep when he fell into my arms.
“I don’t get it, Porsche.” I turn to him. “Why did you do this?” I asked.
“Because I love you.” He simply answered.
“This is not love!”
I cried my eyes out. I didn’t know where the tears are coming from. Dahil ba tinraydor ako ng taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko? O dahil I have in my arms the person I love the most but failed to protect?
Guess that's where the tears came from, knowing that there's so much in this great big world that you don't have a single ounce of control over. Guess the sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll have one less heartbreak in your life.
I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
“Porsche.”
I turn to the person who speaks. It’s the Dean. Porsche’s father. He’s looking at me like I’m the most disgusting person in this world.
“Dad?” mukhang hindi masaya si Porsche na makita ang tatay niya based sa boses niya.
“Hold him.” Utos ni Dean sa mga lalaking kasama niya.
Agad naman nagsisunod ang mga kasama niya at hinawakan si Porsche. Sinubukan ni Porsche na umalis sa pagkakahawak sakanya ng mga tauhan ng tatay niya pero hindi hamak naman na mas malaki ang katawan ng mga ‘yon sakanya.
I got up. Binuhat ko si Ken at nagtangka na sanang lumabas ng pintuan.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Alam kong para saakin ang tanong na ‘yon.
“Wala naman akong kinalaman sa usapan niyong mag-ama.” Sagot ko.
“And do you think, you can just leave like that?”
Bigla nalang may humablot saakin at nabitawan ko si Ken. A loud thud came from his fall but he’s still deep in his sleep.
“Bitiwan mo ako!” hiyaw ko.
“Dad, anong gagawin mo sakanya?!”
“Shut up, Porsche! If I have known you’ll become like this, sana una palang pinigilan na kita.”
Nakakatawang pakinggan ang usapan nila kaya naman tumawa ako nang malakas.
“Let’s see if you can still laugh after this, Jelcy.”
A punch came rushing forward to my stomach. That was the heaviest punch I have ever received.
“Dad, stop them! They’ll kill her!” sigaw ni Porsche.
“Isn’t this what you like, psycho bitch? You like seeing people die and you like killing people. I heard you killed Miss Alvarado. Don’t you know how hard it was for me to cover you up?”
“But don’t kill her!”
“Give me one reason why!”
“I love her.” Mahinahong sabi ni Porsche na ikinatawa lang ng daddy niya.
“Love? a psycho like you? You don’t love her. You love seeing her suffer because of you.”
And he ordered his men to continue beating me. Only the final kick and the sound of the iron bar crashing to the concrete reminded me of how long the beating had lasted. Just a gash above my brow with scarlet blood dripping into my eyes, but it wasn't too severe on my face. My body was severely harmed to the point where it was nearly impossible to recuperate.
“Tama na!” hagulgol ni Porsche ang nangibabaw sa silid.
“Sana naisip mo ‘yong consequences ng mga katangahang nagawa mo.”
I was beaten so bad but I still can manage to laugh.
“What are you laughing at?” tanong ni Dean.
“Hindi ba ikaw ang nagkunsinti sakanya? Sa tingin mo ba sa pagbibigay ng lahat ng gusto niya, natatabunan no’n ‘yong pagkukulang mo bilang isang ama?”
“You have no rights to question my decisions.” Aniya.
I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe.
And he ordered his men to kick and punch me. I cannot move at all. I was trying my best not to let out any sound from my mouth because Ken might wake up. If he did, there is a possibility na ipabugbog siya muli ni Dean. I can’t let that happen, he’s already beaten so much and he couldn’t take any more even just one punch.
“How is it?” tanong ni Dean.
“Just kill me.”
Natawa siya sa sinabi ko.
“I will.” Sagot niya.
“I will kill you if you kill her.” ani Porsche.
“Oh, is that a threat?” I’m so scared.”
Nagkunwaring takot si Dean at biglang tumawa dahil sa sinabi ng anak niya.
Nagkamali ako, hindi pala si Porsche ang pinaka sira ang ulo na nakilala ko, dahil ang totoong may sira sa ulo, ay ang taong nasa harapan ko ngayon at nag-uutos na ipabugbog pa muli ako.