"Mom..." I called her in the middle of our dinner.
She stopped chopping her steak when she heard it but did not look at me. "Later." Then, she continued eating.
I looked down and sighed in disappointment. "Okay."
No doubt. She already knew it. And I know that that was the reason for her silence. It made me even more disappointed in myself. More than how she is, right now. I hate myself, to be honest. I let my stress take over me. I knew how it can affect my exams but still, I failed to control them. And I knew that it would be the biggest failure I would ever regret making.
I poured water into my glass even though my hand was shaking and immediately swallowed it. As the water slowly goes down to my stomach, I wish it could also wash away my fear and weaknesses. So that it won't be this hard, anymore.
But I guess, he's right—he's always right, anyway—not all wishes are possible to be granted. And in my case, it is impossible.
She was silently sitting on her swivel chair as I entered her office, she sipped on her glass of wine and avoiding to have eye contact with me. She's mad—no, she's angry even with that calm yet serious face. And I am sure that everyone noticed it, that's why they're trying so hard not to do any mistakes.
"M-Mom..."
My voice trembled and almost cracked even when I tried so hard not to break down. I really can't fool myself. No matter how I console myself and control my emotions. I'm still scared of her.
"Explain," she commanded and drank the wine until its last drop. She poured a glass of wine again, still avoiding my eye.
"Mom, I—" my tears started to build up in the corner of my eyes until my vision became blurry. Of all betrayals, this is the most annoying one. I wiped my tears off, uncontrollably, as they keep falling to my chin. "I'm... sorry..." I tried to talk again but it was only muffled, I can't even say a word without sniffing. So in the end, I just let myself cry out in front of her.
I immediately covered my mouth and stopped sobbing as she slammed her glass on the table. "I said, explain!" Bahagya pang natapon ang wine nito sa lamesa at ngayon ay binigyan ako ng matalim na titig.
"I said, explain but now you're crying?! Why?! What were you doing the whole week to even lose all your time to review all the lessons and pass that goddamn exam?! Huh?!"
"Ah!" My body reacted so fast when she threw the glass in my side but some scattered pieces didn't fail to find a way to create a wound in my back and legs. She, then, walked and grabbed my hair. "Argh! Mom..." Halos hablutin na rin niya ang anit ko sa sobrang gigil.
"Frecia!"
Natauhan bigla at nabitawan ni Mom ang buhok ko nang biglang dumating at pumagitna si Dad na halatang kagagaling lang sa business trip.
Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako ngayong nakialam siya sa away naming mag-ina o mas maiiyak dahil ngayon lang siya nakialam. Hindi ko na alam.
I just felt so numb as I watched both of them, fight. And even with my wounded and weak body, I stood up and left them without saying a word.
"You brat! Hey! Come back here! I'm not yet done with you! Don't make me angrier or I will—"
Nawala ang ingay nang sa wakas ay makapasok ako sa kwarto at agad na sinarado ang pinto.
I sighed in disappointment... In sorrow... In loneliness.
I stared at the moon, shamelessly shining through the window even without the stars beside it. My eyes were still blurry from the cry I made earlier. Tears started to build up again as I remember how the moon resembled him.
Just like the moon, he's still shining even without anyone by his side. Even me. I envy how brave he is, unlike me, who's still suffering and couldn't believe that he was already gone. I couldn't believe it to the point that my wild imagination says that he is still alive.
How pitiful, right?
Someone who's 3 years dead, alive? That's absurd.
Or maybe it was my way of coping with the situation. I'm hoping that one day he'd wake me up from this long nightmare. Because I admit it or not, I'm also mad at him. Angry, perhaps. For leaving me without saying a word or goodbyes. For leaving all of his responsibility to me that is really... heavy.
So many what-ifs came across my mind.
What if I didn't let him to buy me a fucking watch to satisfy myself and for my collections? Which is not important! For Pete's sake! I should've just waited for him to come home and buy it later together. If I only know that it would be our last talk, last interaction... I should've talked to him longer. No arguments, just thank yous, I love yous or I miss yous. Although, I don't have that sweet personality that I will say those words. I always feel so cringe everytime I try to. But I hope I made him feel how I love and grateful to have him whenever I needed one.
Masakit lang kasi ngayon... ako na lang.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatulog sa kabila ng samo't-saring naiisip. Tumayo ako mula sa kama at naghilamos.
Just when I came out of the bathroom, my phone beeped. One message from Miss Frospin, my prof in economics.
Miss Frospin
  - Come to my office right now. Your report card will be distributed now.
My heart pounded so fast when I read it and I almost dropped my cellphone out of shock.
Wearing a white tank top with a blazer on it and pants, I slowly came out of her office after I recieved my card. Hindi ko pa tinitignan sa sobrang kaba pero nakakuha rin ng lakas nang marating ang likod ng school na ginawang garden at umupo sa bench.
I took a deep breath and slowly opened the brown envelope then glanced at the average of my grades.
94.8
Da... lawang points... Dalawang points na lang! Bakit hindi pa binigay?!
Nalukot ko ang card ko sa sobrang gigil at pinagpupunit-punit 'yon saka tinapon sa malapit na basurahan. Naiiyak ako sa galit! Naiiyak ako sa disappointment! Pero wala ni isang luha ang pumatak sa mga mata ko. Gusto kong iiyak na lang ito lahat... Pero okay na din sigurong hindi na.
Natigilan ako nang may tumawag sa akin mula sa likod ko. Lumingon ako sa kan'ya at nakita si Melanie na nakayuko na ngayon at pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri. Medyo nanginginig din siya kaya napakunot ang noo ko.
"Why?" I asked bitterly, still can't recover from what I saw.
Umangat ang tingin niya sa'kin o... sa likod ko. Susubukan ko na rin sanang lumingon sa likod ko sakaling may kung ano roon pero bigla niyang hinawakan ang braso ko.
"P-Pwede bang pakisabi kay Lance na magkita kami bukas? Hindi ba close kayo? Hindi ko kasi siya makausap dahil nahihiya ako. Favor sana, kung pwede. As a classmate?" Nagbago ang mukha niya kanina na mukhang kinakabahan at ngayon ay medyo masigla na. Bahagya pa siyang ngumiti para siguro ay makumbinsi ako.
Nag-aalinglangan naman akong tumango kahit naguguluhan sa inaasta niya. Pagkatapos makitang tumango ako, agad  siyang nagpasalamat at umalis. Nakatitig lang ako sa dinaanan niya nang tuluyan na siyang mawala sa paningin ko. The so-called nerd and shy? Asked me a favor? That's... shocking. At tungkol pa talaga sa lalaki na hindi ko naman talaga close, nakakausap lang dahil sa group projects. Well... Someone could really be someone you never expected even behind that thick mask and glasses.
Pumasok ako sa kotse na naghihintay sa labas ng school nang may gumugulo pa rin sa isipan. What to do now? I failed to meet her expectations and I'm scared for what will happen next.
When I got out of the car, I faced my bodyguard. "Pakisabi na lang kay Miss Sena na huwag na akong dalhan ng snacks sa taas. Wala akong gana."
Tumango naman ito at sumagot. "Y-Yes, Ma'am."
Tumalikod ako at dumiretso na sa kwarto ko. Tulala lang ako sa buong hapon, iniisip pa rin ang mga nangyari kanina at... mga mangyayari mamaya.
I'm scared to hell... I... don't want to conclude this conclusion but... what if she will make me leave this house? What do I do now? I can't... I can't leave this house... Leaving this house means leaving him. I know this is sounds crazy but what if he comes back and I wasn't there to welcome him back? To hug him so tight? I... can't...
Someone knocked at my door so I quickly wiped my tears off. "The dinner is all ready, Ma'am Dilly."
"Okay."
I got up and prepared myself before coming down. Dinner is ready but as usual, I'm gonna eat alone. I just sat quietly and ate.
I was in the middle of my dinner when Mom suddenly barged in so I have to stand and welcome her. "Mom—"
But I was stunned when she slapped me and slowly touched my cheek where she slapped me. I would have almost fallen if I hadn’t just leaned over and clung to my chair. "M-Mom..." Her eyes were like a dagger—ready to kill, no matter what. She then grabbed my jaw closer to her face.
"How shameless of you, honey. Go. Eat whatever you want because that will be your last dinner here... In. This. House." at pabato akong binitiwan bago nagmartsa paakyat.
I looked at my food and smiled sparingly. This is what I'm scared of. Pero ang mundo na mismo ang gumagawa ng paraan para mapaalis ako. How pitiful.
I didn't look at anyone even though I felt like they wanted to comfort me. How pitiful, indeed.
Umupo ulit ako at nagsandok pa ulit nang marami pero kaya ko pa rin namang ubusin. I slowly ate and every swallow I make, I know how my tears are trying to come out but I supressed it. It's not time to cry, Dilly. Don't waste your time just for crying.
I should be happy, right? From now on, I don't have to maintain my body that I have to control every food I eat, just to stay healthy for the next theater play. I don't have to attend it and pretend that everything's okay in my family. I don't have to pretend that I'm the sweet and caring daughter who has a perfect family that everybody envies.
So you should be happy, Dilly.
I finished my dinner and went straight to Mom’s office. I caught her there drinking whiskey—which she only drinks when celebrating—while staring at the window glass. My heart suddenly became heavy at the thought.
"Mom..."
She glanced at me and smirked. "What? Gonna say goodbye? Oh, sure. This will be the last time I'll see you, anyway."
"I just wanna ask and to be clear before I leave. I know that I didn't meet your rule in my grades but... I'm still on the honor list. Isn't that enough for you? And you really have to make me leave this house just because of that?"
Naupos ang pagkakangisi niya at humigpit ang hawak sa baso bago dahan-dahang lumapit sa akin. At sa bawat hakbang niya, halos mabingi ako sa lakas ng tibok ng puso ko ngunit hindi ako nagpatinag o umatras man lang.
"Aphradilet Beverly. How dare your filthy mouth say that after doing a bullshit to me? You don't know how embarrased I was earlier, so fucking watch out what you say." Gritting her teeth, she turned around. "Check your instagram account and see what you did." She then chuckled but without humor. Then she added, "How could you act like you did nothing. Bullshit. If you already saw, you can now leave."
I was still logging in when she said that but I already came out of her office.
I was already in front of my room when I finally saw what Mom is talking about.
The post was the photo of my report card with the caption, It's heartbreaking but I promise to do my very best, next time. Since I guess, best is still not enough.
The moment I saw the picture, it made my eyebrows frowned. How could... someone take a picture of it this clean if... it's already ripped?
No doubt. Someone took this before I even could get my card. And it was someone who's really want me to go down and knew me.
I chuckled out of my frustration. Melanie...
I know we're not really that close but... I was hoping that this would not gonna happen. I was hoping that she wouldn't betray me.
But see how cruel the universe is to me?
What happened earlier was shocking and confusing how she acted to me. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that... I know now that she was going to tell me who took a photo of my card but then, she didn't. Funny how I thought she really cared for me. I trusted her but... everyone's cruel to me. Everyone's stabbing me from behind. And before I knew it, I was already at the verge of my death.
Halos ilang oras din akong hindi makagalaw. Tahimik na umiiyak at dinaramdam ang bawat tusok ng karayom sa puso ko.
Namalayan ko na lang na hating gabi na nang mag-alarm ang cellphone para sa midnight routine ko. But I didn't do it. Instead, I started pulling out my things and packed it in my luggage.
I put all the things I think is important. But it wasn't enough. So I took another luggage and continued packing. Still, it wasn't enough.
Nothing is enough...
Slowly, a sob escaped from my mouth. Until, I became a cry-baby. Like a kid, in the middle of nowhere, finding where I really belong. Where I started... Hoping that there is the answer.
But I still didn't get it.
Never did I wish to be in this world! Nor in this family! So, why?! Why did you have to bring me into this world?! I'm tired...
You're tired? How about your dreams? I thought it is special to you? Now, you're giving up? You're wasting all the hardships you've overcome!
That thought made my head up. With my blurry vision, my lips suddenly curved a line.
How coward I am, right? Giving up for bullshit?
Pinapaalis na nga ng bahay na magbibigay pa ng kalayaan sa kaniya ngunit heto at nagmukmok sa kwarto?
But after packing, I slept with my heavy heart and even woke up with it, still.
I readied myself and started taking my luggages downstairs. And for the first time and last time in the morning, there I saw him. I thought I'd never see him again. Even for the last time. But I'm thankful that the universe gave me a chance to see my first heartbreak, for the last time.
He only stared at me but I can see the urge in his eyes to talk to me. Or maybe that was just what I thought... and hoped.
His phone rang and his eyes immediately turned to it. "Hello?" he answered and he started walking away, leaving me behind. Again.
Again?
"Argh!" I groaned when my head suddenly throbbed that I became dizzy. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko at napaluhod nang hindi nakayanang ikontrol ang balanse.
And just then, weird memories started to flood.
"Daddy? Daddy!"
"I'll come back!"
"But, daddy!"
"Ma'am!" My senses got back and my vision came back to clear when Miss Sena appeared and escorted me to the living area. I sat on our couch. She gave me some water and sat beside me. Ininom ko iyon at nilapag sa coffee table saka humilig nang mawala na ang kaunting kirot.
"Should I tell Madame Frecia?"
Napalingon ako sa kaniya at medyo kumirot na naman ang ulo. Napangiwi ako at napapikit pero hindi na hinawakan ang ulo dahil baka mas lalo lang sumakit. Then, she gently put her hands on my temples, both sides, and massaged it.
"Nag-aalala lang po ako sa inyo, Ma'am. Hindi pa naman po kayo marunong magluto kahit man lang itlog, hindi n'yo kaya."
Minulat ko ang mga mata ko at sinamaan siya ng tingin pero malungkot niya lang akong ngitian. "Ang point ko lang, Ma'am, sino po ang mag-aalaga sa inyo?"
Natahimik ako kaya pinikit ko na lang ang mga mata ko at muling humilig. I can take care of myself. Gusto kong sabihin 'yon sa kaniya pero hindi ko magawa dahil alam ko rin sa sarili ko na hindi ko talaga kaya dahil nasanay ako nang may nag-aasikaso sa'kin. Inaalala ko din 'yon pero ang importante na lang siguro sa ngayon, malaya na ako.
Ngumisi ako pero nanatiling nakapikit. "I didn't know anyone would be worried for me. Especially, you. Since I noticed that you're job-oriented person," iniiba ang usapan.
Hindi siya sumagot kaya napadilat ako at bumangon para harapin siya. Nakayuko lang siya at pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri. "Uh... Ma'am, ano... Hindi naman sa nanghihimasok ako sa inyong pamilya pero... may dapat po kayong malaman tung—"
I was just staring at her, intently, waiting for what she's gonna she say when I heard Mom's heels from upstairs.
"Well, well, well! The princess is still here!" Sabay kaming napalingon at tumayo sa pababa nang si Mom. "I was suprised you didn't visit my office again? I thought you'd try to convince me to just let you stay here. Good, honey. Right, decision. I think you already knew my answer. Am I right?" Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay habang nakangisi pa rin at ngayo'y nasa harap ko na. I didn't answer so she continued.
"Not gonna lie. I really had a good night. Thanks to you." Even with her smile, her eyes didn't change. Still, fiery and sharp with a hint of disgust. "You, disgrace in this family, should really leave. Am I right, Miss Sena?" Bumaling siya sa katabi ko na nag-aalinlangang tumango nang makitang nakatingin ako.
I quickly took my gaze off her and silently bit my tongue to avoid my tears from falling.
Everyone loves to betray me, huh.
I deeply inhaled and looked at my Mom. "Actually, I have something to discuss with you."
"I want to remove myself from the family register."
I said it when we arrived at her office. She was stunned after hearing it. And honestly, even how I like being out of the family, at the depth of my heart and at the back of my head... I was hoping she wouldn't accept it.
Another wish. Another hope was arised but it only led to another heartbreak. My second heartbreak.
The side of her lips rose until it became a wide curve smile. "You really know what I want! I'll process it right away. For now, stay wherever you want while waiting." Tumalikod siya at nag-dial.
"At the nearest hotel, that is where I want to stay right now." Natigilan siya kaya tumalikod na ako at lumabas.
Sumulyap ako sa bintana at tinanaw ang sinag ng araw mula roon na animong may espesyal na okasyon sa sobrang perfect ng panahon. Umiwas ako ng tingin. At wala akong karapatang sirain 'yon.
Few hours later and night finally came, the doorbell rang and I knew it must be the delivery boy. And I was right. I took the brown envelope and peeked at it. It was the documents I requested for the second time. I was here already when it came in my mind.
"By the way, I have another request...
"I want a new identity."
Hindi na ako nagulat nang pumayag din siya. Iyon ngang ipatanggal ako sa family register, pumayag siya, dito pa kaya na new identity lang naman?
I stared at the name, my new name and read it. "Aphrodite Elly Solana."
Solana... I remember reading that surname on a history book when I was studying and it amazed me.
But now that it was already in my name sends me chills down to my spine. And honestly, I don't think I would be ever comfortable with that name even if it is somehow similar with my real—former name.
I just stayed for a while and ate my dinner at the hotel before I decided to check out.
I have a place on my mind to settle but I don't know how to get there so I have no choice but to ask people for help.
"Hello, Kuya. Itatanong ko lang po sana kung saan ang pwedeng sakyan patungo sa Lipa City, Batangas?"
"Ah, liko ka lang doon sa tabi ng mga nakaparadang jeep, may mga pumapasa doong taxi."
"Sige, salamat po!"
Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa dalawa kong luggage at sinunod ang sinabi niya pero nang makakita ako ng pwedeng taguan ay agad akong nagtago. Napahawak ako sa dibdib kong sobrang lakas ng kabog at pinakalma ang sarili. Sa tingin pa lang niya kanina sa akin at paminsan-minsang sulyap sa mga gamit ko ay alam ko na agad ang sunod na mangyayari.
"Nasa'n na yung babae?! 'Di ba sabi kong bantayan n'yong mabuti, mga gunggong kayo!" rinig kong sabi ng kausap kong lalaki kanina.
"Mukhang nakaramdam, Boss! Iba talaga 'pag mayaman, ang tatalino!"
"Sadyang mga bobo lang kayo! Tara na nga! Mga letse kayo! Wala kayong kwenta!"
Kahit nang tumahimik ang paligid ay hindi pa rin ako lumabas at naghintay pa ng ilang minuto.
Nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang paglabas ko ay hindi ko na sila natanaw. Dumiretso ako sa kabilang daan na dinaanan nila para hindi sila masalubong sakali mang bumalik sila dito at hanapin ako. Nang makakita ako ng mini-stop, may guard at maraming tao, mas napanatag ako.
Nilapitan ko yung guard at tinanong, "Ah, Kuya, may taxi po bang dumadaan dito?"
Tinignan niya ako at sinulyapan ang mga gamit ko kaya medyo napakapit ako ng mahigpit.
Mahina siyang natawa nang mapansin siguro ang paghigpit ng kapit ko sa gamit ko. "Huwag kayong mag-alala, Ma'am. Hindi ho ako magnanakaw pero mas mabuti na rin ang maging maingat." Ngumiti siya kaya medyo nahiya ako at niluwagan na rin ang hawak sa mga maleta.
"Halos maghahating-gabi na rin ho kaya wala nang masyadong pumapara ditong taxi."
"Po? Ano pong ibang pwede kong sakyan papunta sa Lipa City, Batangas?"
Nag-isip siya at paminsan-minsan ring sumusulyap sa paligid ng binabantayan niya. "Pwede ho kayong mag-jeep or bus kaso medyo malayo ang terminal. Mag-grab na lang ho kayo."
Napakunot ang noo ko at sandaling nag-isip. Narinig ko na 'yon kaso hindi ko alam kung paano makakasakay doon.
Nakita niya siguro ang pagtatanong sa mukha ko kaya kinuha niya ang cellphone niya at pinakita sa akin ang isang app. "Download ninyo lang po yung Grab app tapos pwede na po kayong mag-book."
Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko sa bulsa ko at nilingon siya. "May wi-fi po ba dito?"
Natawa siya sandali at kinalikot ang cellphone niya. "Ang cute ninyo ho, Ma'am. Halata hong mayaman kayo dahil wi-fi lang ang alam n'yong network." My eyebrow raised at him and he saw it. "Ah, ang ibig ko lang hong sabihin ay sa mayayaman ho kasi, wi-fi ang network. Sa amin ho ay load lang."
Umiwas naman ako ng tingin at naisip na malaki pala talaga ang difference ng mayayaman sa mahihirap.
Ilang sandali pa ay pinasa niya sa'kin ang app at tinuruan ako kung paano gamitin 'yon. Ilang minuto lang pagkatapos kong mag-book ay dumating na rin ang sasakyan. Nagpasalamat ako sa guard at tuluyan nang umalis.
Naghanap agad ako ng matutuluyan pagbaba ko sa lugar. May nakita naman akong building sa 'di kalayuan na halatang condominium tower. Pumunta ako roon at bumili ng condo area gamit ang sariling card ko. When I turned 18 last six months, Mom—Mrs. Reagan finally gave me my card. And thankfully, no bags nor watches or even shoes tempted me. Or maybe because...
Umupo ako sa kama at dahan-dahang humiga. Napangiti ako nang maalala ang kabaitan ng guard kanina. Kahit gaano talaga karami ang mga masasama, may mga tao pa ring walang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang tumulong.
But the smile on my face suddenly faded. I can't help not to think for tomorrow. I honestly don't know what I should do first. I don't know where to start again.
I sighed. But it's okay, at least I'm on my own now. I am free. I have nothing to worry about besides surviving alone. And I'd rather worry about it than worry about pressure, grades, and people's expectations.
Tiredness dozed me to sleep and woke up earlier in the morning. I massaged my head. Gosh! Did I even sleep a wink? Why do I still feel so sleepy?
"Miss Sena?" I called her while massaging my temple with eyes closed. "Miss Sena?"
Dumilat ako at ngayon lang napansin ang kaibahan ng pagkakaayos ng kwarto ko. Nangunot ang noo ko at ilang sandali pang nakalipas bago na-realize na... mag-isa na nga lang pala ako.
I ordered a breakfast meal from an app I used to use whenever I get too lazy to go downstairs and bored at school, like right now.
After eating, I decided to organize and arrange my things to kill time so I won't be dying in boredom.
Habang inaayos ko ang mga damit ko sa cabinet, may kung anong biglang nahulog mula roon.
It was that teddybear I won in an arcade and gave my brother—him as a gift for everything. May sunog sa gilid pero okay pa naman. It was burned when...
I deeply inhaled and exhaled as I shove the thought. There's no time to think about it now. It's all over. I'm already out of their family. I now have no right to open that thought again.
Afternoon passed by and now, it's already night. I ate the dinner I ordered and laid down in the bed.
Huminga ako ng malalim at pinikit ang mga mata. The aircon was in the moderate cool and the lights are already off. But minutes passed, my mind is still active. Kung ano-ano na lang ang pumapasok sa isipan ko para lang mapanatili akong gising.
Bumangon ako at inis na kumuha ng jacket, jogging pants at rubber shoes. Sinuot ko 'yon, tinali ang buhok ko at bumaba para mag-night jog.
I looked up and saw the moon but it wasn't like the moon I last saw. It has different color, particularly, shaded in yellow-orange. I also heard some people gossiping about it and some were taking a picture of it.
I didn't bring my cellphone but even if I did, I won't capture it. Instead, I will capture it by the photographer of my memories.
I should be happy, right? It's like the moon is celebrating for my first day of being independent.
I'm not happy, though. I can't celebrate anything.
I should've just stayed in my room. I thought running would at least freshen my mind and relieve my stress. But it was the opposite.
Nag-jog ako pabalik sa tower nang may mabangga ako at nahulog ang isang teddybear. Napatitig ako doon ng ilang sandali bago wala sa sariling dinampot 'yon at binalik sa nabangga ko.
It was the same as what... I just saw earlier in my condo. It was the same as what I gifted him.
Pabalik na ako ngayon sa condo ngunit hindi pa man ako nakakahakbang ay nahagip ng mata ko ang isang taong kani-kanila lang ay iniisip at inaayakan ko.
He was standing in the corner of the convinient store. It was as if he was waiting for someone.
Ilang sandaling napako ang mga paa ko sa lupa bago natauhan at sinubukang puntahan siya.
"Kuya? Kuya Sig! Kuya Sig!" My body reacted and called him what I used to call him but he didn't look back.
But when I was already near him, he suddenly disappeared.
Is he alive? But... It's impossible! How could... a dead be here?!