Ten days had passed since my father was buried, forever... I haven't talked to anyone yet, I just can't. Or maybe I can but my inner self does not want me to.
Matapos ng pag-uusap namin ni Claw, bahagyang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Pero nadagdagan muli ang bigat niyon sa mga sumunod na araw kung saan nakikita kong magkasama ang kambal ko at si Kai. Hindi naman ako pinanganak kahapon para hindi maintindihan ang sitwasyon pero pinili kong manahimik at umiwas. How can I confront my own twin?
Ilang beses rin akong sinubukan ni Tita Lily at ni Mommy na marahil ay alam na ang sitwasyon namin, pero lagi akong umiiwas. Maging si Claw ay sinubukan akong muling kausapin ngunit natigil din iyon nang kinailangan daw niyang asikasuhin ang trabaho niya, na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko alam.
Sa ngayon, ayos na muna sa akin ang mga agam-agam na nasa isipan ko. Ayoko na munang malaman ang kung ano mang katotohanan o kasinungalingan ang pwede kong marinig. Hindi ko pa kayang tumanggap ng panibagong sakit. Hindi pa ako handa.
I decided to take a break, breath some air and run from everything. Until my trip took me into a place near the place where I last stepped my feet, before we flew to Russia for my surgery.
"Umingan, Pangasinan," I silently read the arc that welcomes every person entering the place.
Unlike in Manila, the road here was less crowded. A combined smoke from different cars and warm wind welcomed my skin when I opened my car window. After passing hectares of rice field, small stalls and houses are the next things I saw.
Palagpas na ako sa tapat ng flea market nang maramdaman ko ang bahagyang paggewang ng sasakyan ko. Napahagod ako sa buhok ko nang makitang flat ang gulong nito sa hulihan, matapos kong lumabas sa sasakyan.
Kaagad ko iyong nilapitan bago luminga-linga para sana humanap ng car shop o kahit maliit na vulcanizing shop sa malapit ngunit wala akong makita. Nagdesisyon na muna akong umalis sa pwesto ko. Magtatanong sana ako sa ilang tinderang malapit sa akin nang makaramdam ako ng presensya sa likuran ko.
I silently gasped for air when I saw the person standing near me. Ilang araw kong sinubukang iwasan siya pero ngayon ay nakatayo na siya sa harapan ko. He's making my heart beat again the way that no one did.
"Sabi ko na nga ba, ikaw iyan," sambit niya habang nakangiti. A smile I adore since the day I saw those from his lips.
"Kai..." I whispered enough for him to be heard.
"Yes, it's me." Lumakad siya papunta sa likuran ko bago iniluhod ang kabilang tuhod niya saka matamang tinignan ang gulong ng kotse ko. "May alam akong pagawaan malapit dito, samahan na kita," suhestiyon niya na nakapagpa-alarma sa akin lalo na nang tumayo siya at iniharang ang kamay niya sa mukha ko na 'di ko namalayang nasisinagan na pala ng papalubog na araw.
"S-sige."
Gusto kong batukan ang sarili ko nang mautal ako. Kaagad na akong tumalikod sa kaniya para sana buksan ang pintuan ng kotse ngunit di ko sinasadyag mabitawan ang susi sa lupa bago ko pa man magamit iyon. Nanginginig kasi ang kamay ko at ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
Bakit kasi ganito ang epekto mo sa akin, Kai?
I heard a soft and lovely chuckled behind me. "Ako na magdrive."
Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses kong pinagsabihan ang sarili ko sa isip ko, sa tuwing gugustuhin ng ulo ko na lumingon sa gawi niya habang nagmamaneho siya. Pilit kong itinuon ang paningin ko sa labas ng bintana buong biyahe at nagpapasalamat akong nagawa ko iyon.
Ilang minuto lang naman ang itinagal hanggang sa makarating kami sa isang talyer kung saan ipapagawa ang gulong ng sasakyan ko. Siya na raw ang makikipag-usap sa mga taong sumalubong sa amin na hinayaan ko lang naman.
"Gabi na, gusto mong ipalinis na rin ito pagkatapos i-vulcanize?" tukoy niya sa kotse. Sinundan ko lang ang tingin niya sa kotse at nanatili na roon ang paningin ko.
"Maghahanap pa kasi ako ng matutuluyan, kailangan ko na iyan. Hihintayin ko nalang sigurong matapos," sambit ko.
"You can check-in in the hotel where I was staying," he suggested, making me turned my gaze unto him but my tongue tied. "No buts, you will stay in the same hotel as mine. Tatawagan ko nalang si Shei para sabihing kasama kita," sambit niya na ikina-alarma ko.
"'Wag! I mean, ayaw ko kasing ipaalam sa kanila kung nasaan ako," paliwanag ko. "You know after my dad..." I said struggling in my words.
"Okay," tatango-tango niyang tugon na ikinahinga ko ng maluwag, "O understand you, so I won't call Shei, Promise...
'The real Shei is in your front now Kai', I want to voice it out but I was afraid to.
May tinawagan siya saglit bago makipag-usap muli sa mga manggagawa. Maya-maya pa ay may dumating na isang kotseng sumundo sa amin papunta sa hotel na sinasabi niya. Madilim na ang paligid at tanging ilaw nalang sa mga nakabukas pang tindahan ang tanging ilaw nang makarating kami sa hotel.
Siya na rin ang nakipag-usap sa front desk attendant, bago kami iginiya ng isang bell boy patungo sa kwartong tutuluyan ko.
"If you need me, just call or knock on my door," turo niya sa pintuan na katabi lang ng pintuan ng sa akin. Tanging tango lang at pasasalamat ang nasabi ko bago ako pumasok sa kwarto.
A cold breeze touched my skin that awakes me. I was too tired that I forgot to close my room window that is directly connected in the veranda. Even though my body was slightly chilling because of cold wind, I still got up on my feet and made my way to the veranda. Not to close the window, but to stay there for some time.
Suprisingly, there was a chair outside where I sat while I decided to gawk on the gloomy night sky. No stars nor moon.
"Still awake." Nagulat ako nang may magsalita sa gawing kaliwa ko, hindi kalayuan sa akin.
"Yeah," pagtugon ko nang makalingon ako sa kaniya na nasa balkonahe niya rin pala.
Mahabang katahimikan ang bumalot sa amin na sabay rin naming binasag. "Why are you still awake?" sabay naming tanong.
We both chuckled out of awkward ahmosphere. "Ikaw na mauna," suhestiyon niya.
"Nagising ako," simpleng sagot ko na bahagya niyang ikinatawa.
"Same case," sabi niya habang nakatuon ang mga braso sa barandilya. "You know what? I am still amazed how you and Shei are so alike, in voice and appearance. If only I don't know that the both of you are twins, I would guess that you and Shei are one person. Minus the short hair," he tittered.
Tinitigan ko lang siya habang nakatingala siya sa walang liwanag na kalangitan. His bare presence right in front of me makes me want to confess everything. I am eager to tell him that I'm the real Shei yet I don't know how.
But what if this is my last chance?
"What if I am? What if I am Shei?" I asked full of nervousness but I tried not to stutter.
He looked at me with half-mocking face. "Maybe you are but you're not," he said in idiomatic and chuckling way.
"I love coffee, the stronger, the better," I said as a matter of fact.
"The both of you have same tastes?" he commented and I ignored it. We're not the same...
"Can I tell you some things about me? About my love story before," I asked that makes him look at me confusingly but I then ignore it and continue talking without waiting for his response.
"I have or had?" I suddenly stopped. Is he still belongs to me? "I prefer, still hope that I have." I laughed like a crazy lady won in an argumeent against myself.
"What do you mean?" he asked but then, I ignored him again.
"I still hope that I have a boyfriend named, Kairo Lee," he was about to react when I continue speaking. I should not waste the bravery I have now to speak up. "I met him when we are in college. We are both taking business ad but different majors. Second year, when we started to be closed with each other because of intramurals, and we are third year when he courted me. He courted me for a year and asked my 'YES' through a surprise happened in the school's soccer field."
I looked at his puzzled face, creasing his forehead. "How'd you know those things? Weird..."
I laughed, secretly swallowing the lump built in my throat. "It's not weird, Gori."
"Wait, wha—" he was cut off by his phone that is ringing inside his pocket.
"Excuse me, I have to answer you sister's call," he said half-smiling after looking at the registered caller on his phone screen.
I don't want to go back inside my room but it hurts me more seeing his back while talking with my sister. It has a double meaning on me. With an audible clearing of my throat, I caught his attention so I bid my goodbye to go back again inside my room while he just nodded and continue talking over his phone.
Maybe it's still not the time to confess everything to him. Atleast I have given him some hints already.