Mix kept breathing heavily in and out. His eyes were locked on his closed fists that were sitting on his lap. Something about his aura tells that he wanted to shout but he knew he couldn’t. Not that almost all of his schoolmates were asleep in the bus, nor because it’d be ridiculous for him to do so. A single tear fell from his eye—that’s how it turned, that’s how his body responded. It was followed by another, then another, and another, until his face was already wet with tears.
He felt sad, and depressed, though he wasn’t actually sure what was the reason why. It could be because he’d never get to write again, and compete in a contest he treasured for years. Maybe because he didn’t get the medal he promised he’d bring home. Or perhaps because he thought of himself as a pathetic person—assuming for something that was quite impossible to reach and then end up crying silently at one seat, losing his own pride.
He closed his eyes, probably stopping his tears though he knew he couldn’t. He was all stiff, until his friend sitting next to him spoke, “Tell Spring I wasn’t the one who made you cry. Baka masuntok ako no'n.”
Normally, hearing Spring’s name would calm him down. Totoong masasabon naman talaga ng mga tanong ang kaibigan niya sa oras na makita nitong namamaga ang mga mata niya. But as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t stop crying. In fact, remembering that he’d meet Spring later only made him sadder. If someone expected he’d win much more than himself, it would definitely be his boyfriend.
“It’s a waste,” Mix whispered, causing his friend to look at him intently. “My last year in journalism was a waste.”
Yuriel kept quiet for a few seconds and let out a soft chuckle. “Are you saying that because you didn’t win?” he asked, his words straightforward as hell as if he didn’t care if his friend would get offended or not. Practically, that’s what he is. As a man, he is a forthright one. He likes to be certain with his words, though his actions are sometimes the exact opposite.
“You’d never understand me,” Mix said, wiping his tears. “I’m not used to losing like you.” It was late for him to realize what he just said. It already came out of his mouth, and his friend already heard it. He kept silent, though he did want to take back his words. He wasn’t sure if it offended Yuriel or not, but he knew he was somehow wrong.
He heard a laugh. A bittersweet laugh coming from the person sitting next to him. It didn’t freak Mix out; he was definitely used to it.
“Who said I am?” Yuriel uttered. His smile, in opposite of what his eyes tell is a definite mystery. It was a puzzle that even Mix, a best friend of his own, couldn’t solve. “No matter how many times I lose, I never got use to it. Taon-taon, mahirap ipaliwanag kung gaano kasakit kahit sanay na dapat ako sa ganoong pakiramdam. I'd be asking myself, “what went wrong this time?” Am I not that familiar with the topic? Did my handwriting get bad? Kinulang ba ako sa oras? Thousands of questions, Mix. And even if I found the reason why, it’ll never change the fact that I lose. That, itself, hurts like hell already.”
Mix stared at his friend. “Then why do you never let others see your tears? How can you stop it? If it hurts that much, don’t hold it back,” he said.
“I never cry for things that are not meant for me.”
Those words dumbfounded him. It’s not that it wasn’t sharp or deep. It was easy to understand, actually. But Mix was stunned in a whole different way. With that, he asked, “If you knew it’s not meant for you, then why aren’t you stopping? Bakit hanggang ngayon, sumubok ka pa rin?”
Yuriel breathed heavily and glanced at the view outside from the window, saying, “Because I only realized it now. Writing wasn’t for me. It took me years, trying and trying, because I believed it was destined for me.” He looked at Mix. “Gano’n naman talaga ‘yon, ‘di ba? Gano’n naman talaga tayo. May mga bagay na akala na'tin ay para sa atin kaya hindi tayo tumitigil para mapatunayang totoo ‘yon. We assume too much, spend years of trying, and before we realize that it’s not our fate, it’s already hard to let go.”
Mix did not respond. He was silent after then. He did understand what Yuriel was trying to say. He just wanted to shook off the truth, he wanted to clear it off his mind. It’s not going to happen to him.
Hours passed. Mix was already asleep. His eyes only opened when Yuriel woke him up, saying they have reached the terminal. When they got off the bus, they walked out to wait for the school van, but because Mix and Yuriel's house wasn’t that far from the bus terminal, they had to depart ways with their schoolmates and advisers. As they were standing still, waiting for someone, Mix's phone vibrated.
From: Spring
Sent: 1:19 AM
Are you already there? Fifteen minutes, hintayin n'yo ‘ko.
He placed his phone inside his bag, sighed, and stuffed his hands on his jacket's pocket.
“You did not reply?”
“I don’t even know if I can talk to him,” Mix replied. “He’s probably disappointed much more than I am.”
Yuriel’s eyebrows knitted. “He was never disappointed in you. Masyado kang negative. It’s not like you two would break up just because you didn’t win.” He was right. They’re not going to break up because of that. There’s a whole different reason. And if Mix was to state it, anyone who’d hear it would definitely be disappointed.
Fifteen minutes seemed like an hour. For Mix, time wasn’t flying fast at that moment. It was an opportunity for him to think, visualize things in his mind, but he wasted it by standing there with cold hands and trembling knees. That’s why when the familiar sound of a tricycle engine filled the quiet surrounding, he kept his head down. He acted tired though he wasn’t. He already had enough sleep at the bus and it’s not like he does too many things to waste his energy.
“Ako na sa loob, Yu, nilalamig ako,” he whispered at his friend though Spring can clearly hear it.
“Nee, okay ka lang? Masakit ba ulo mo?” Spring asked while tying their luggage at the tricycle's roof. Mix paused for a few seconds before shaking his head and quickly getting inside the vehicle. It’s obviously not the first time that Spring would call him ‘Nee.’ Well, ever since they’ve been together, he was used to that nickname. It’s just that.. hearing him say that now, in any way, hurts him bad.
As usual, Spring dropped Yuriel first. Yuriel took his things and before entering his house, he glanced at them, saying, “I don’t know what’s up with you two, but talk to each other, will you? I hate it when you’re both clingy but it annoys me seeing you like that. Parang hindi n'yo kilala ang isa’t isa.” He scoffed and effortlessly waved at them. “I’m off.”