[ Belladonna's Point of View ]
Living in isolation is quite lovely. I would rather live alone than live with abusive, negligent people who don't even care about me.
Now I'm all alone. All I have to do in this life is to live.
Memento vivere, Belladonna.
I never had anyone by my side. Even my parents abandoned me. My aunt tried to kill me. I guess I'm not deserving to be loved.
I'm fully aware that I'm mature for my age. Being a seven-year-old kid but having a mind of an adult is exhausting, I must admit.
I never experienced playing with friends or at a playground or even running around fields.
I'm always at home reading books while my parents create chaos in this mansion.
I am also aware that I don't, or I can't feel any emotions. My feelings are numb.
I don't know why I'm not like any other person, but I guess my past has significantly impacted who I am today.
I guess it's for the best anyway.
Nobody deserves my trust.
In this world, if you're vulnerable, people are going to manipulate you.
So I'd rather be the manipulator.
If you're weak, stronger people will step on you.
I'd rather be a passionless, unfeeling human.
Because if not, people around me will keep breaking me.
I'd rather be a psychopath than feel love.
Yes, I am a psychopath.
...
It's been weeks living alone in this mansion. I've been seeing the same thing every day, so I decided to stroll outside the villa.
I went to the garden, which is my favorite place at the moment.
"It smells good," I whispered underneath my breath.
"It sure does."
I looked around, but nobody was there. I'm sure somebody spoke.
I think it's the guy in jumper shorts and striped who dropped lemon at my forehead.
"Are you looking for me?" He popped in front of me, so I was immensely startled.
He was smiling and still wearing those jumpers from the first time we met. Except for the stripes, he's wearing a polka navy shirt.
I noticed that his eyes and hair are also navy blue. It's so unusual to see someone with navy blue eyes.
As young as he is, his features are pretty impressive.
"Hmm? Don't be scared. I just jumped from that tree!" He said and pointed to the mango tree from where he said he jumped.
How did he jump from that tree? Is he a monkey or what?
"Uhm, I'll go back home," I said shortly. I'm not comfortable having kids my age around me, especially if they also act like kids.
What do I expect? Not everyone is like me.
"Wait! Don't you want to play with me? I've been waiting for you for days, but you're not coming out of the mansion."
How does he know I'm not coming out?
"Are you stalking me?"
"No! I'm just checking out on you whether you're doing fine ever since the lemon fell to your forehead."
"I'm actually doing fine, so you can leave me alone," I answered back and turned around.
"So you're not gonna play with me?"
I looked back at him, and he was pouting. This kid is cute, but someone's appearance is deceiving.
"I'm not. I don't play."
"Then what do you want to do?"
"I want to sleep. Leave me alone and never show yourself again."
Ugh! Why does he have to be in the garden?
I went back to my room and opened the window. I saw the lemon kid climb back to the mango tree and start opening a book.
He can read?
Of course, he should. He's not a toddler anyway.
But I know that book is just a kindergarten book where parents read their child before bed.
My parents never did that. I never experienced it from anyone.
I can read anyway. Why bother asking someone to read for me?
I got irritated and just closed the windows and curtains.
I went to the mansion's library, and I was always got surprised by its massiveness. I go here every day, but I can help to stare in awe.
I love reading books about doctors and surgeons. Even books about murders and mayhems. Crimes and killers, psychological thrillers as well.
No child like me would dare to read these kinds of genres.
I guess I should invite that lemon kid here one time.
...
I woke up with tweets of birds and the sound of the cold air.
This day, I will invite the lemon boy to this place.
I know he's not gonna like the library but never mind.
Why am I doing this? I don't need a friend.
This will be the first and last. I can't trust anyone. I will just show him the library, and that's all.
I wore a long yellow dress with miniature printed roses in it. I paired it with boots and a knitted beige sweater.
I went outside and looked for the lemon monkey kid.
"Hey! Monkey kid? I want to say something!"
I called him multiple times, but no one responded.
What a waste of time. I was about to head back, but I heard someone running from behind, having heavy sighs.
He fell on his knees while catching his breath.
"Sorry, were you calling me?"
...
"Wow, your house is so big!"
"Of course. Obviously, it's a mansion. Have you seen a small mansion?"
I rolled my eyes at him as he was glancing at the place.
"So, you're living here alone?"
"Yes, what's so wrong with that?"
"How? Kids can't live without guardians."
I laughed sarcastically and looked at him with dagger eyes.
"Look at me, I'm living. I'm not like any other kids out there, so don't compare me to children like you."
I can see in his eyes that he is frightened.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." He responded with cracks in his voice.
"Anyway, I'll show you something."
We went to the library, and the wonder in his face doubled.
"Wow, a big library!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. His voice echoed throughout the place.
As we went inside, the smile on his face never vanished. Is he happy?
"Are you happy?"
"Yeah! Super happy!"
"How do people feel happy?"
He stopped looking around and looked at me in the eye.
"Aren't you happy?" He asked with slight concern in his voice.
I don't know what to respond. I have never felt any emotions ever since. Did I forget to feel emotions?
"Uhm, look at this book. This is actually my favorite." I showed him a random book I'm not even familiar with to avoid the question.
"I already read that."
I looked at the book cover, and it was entitled The Death of Rosa Frost.
He read this?
"What? You read this book?"
"Yeah, I love thriller books. One day, I want to be a policeman, so I read books involving crime, murder, and mystery."
He is something.
"Uhm, but you can't read books like this. It's for adults."
"Then why did you read it? You said it was your favorite, am I right?"
"Ah-Uhm, I showed the wrong book."
I glanced away and just returned the book to the shelves.
"You haven't answered my question yet."
"What question?"
He is getting into my nerves. What an annoyance.
"Aren't you happy?"
I think there's no point in lying anyway, so I decided to tell him.
"I don't feel happiness."
"Then you're sad?"
"I don't feel sadness either. I don't feel any emotions. Rage, happiness, sadness, disgust, anything. I don't feel anything."
He was quite shocked by my answer, but I was surprised when he smiled at me.
"That's fine. Some people have different emotional capacities anyway. It's up to us to understand the people around us."
My eyes widened with what he had just said. My heart is beating faster than usual, but I have no idea what I am feeling now.
He went back looking at the books, and grabbed one.
"Hmm, have you read this?"
One Day, She Loved
The title got me. I looked at the book for seconds, then looked back at the boy in front of me and shook my head.
"Let's read it together?" He offered me.
I was about to say no, but he grabbed my wrist and went to the table in the middle of this library.
I found myself following him, and this felt wrong. I am not supposed to follow anyone.
And I'm the boss of this house, how dare he?
He pulled a chair and pushed my shoulders to sit there. What an ungentleman.
Beside me, he also pulled one chair and sat on it. I just watched him doing whatever he was doing.
He held the right side of the book, so I placed my hands to the left side.
He flipped the pages of the book to the first pages, and we read it silently together.
I learned that he also loves to read books, and I was wrong that he is just like any other kid.
He's clever and mature but not as intelligent and mature as me.
Every time he finished reading a page, he asked me whether I was also done reading it.
Hours later, we reached halfway, and I found myself drawn to this story.
The story is about a woman learning how to love.
It's not romantic at all, but I feel somehow connected.
I was intently reading the page, but his hands dropped from holding the book.
I looked at him and saw that he had fallen asleep.
"You're sleeping?" I asked.
Of course, he didn't say anything.
With my two hands placed on the book, my eyes weren't on the book, but with the unknown person sleeping beside me in this place surrounded by books.