Marose Barquez's Point Of View
Have you ever felt bad for getting left behind? Have you ever felt like no one wanted to stay? Because I do. Although, I know that they never intended to but that's what I've been believing my entire life. Maybe because somehow, that reason is the only one which I can hold on to. Somehow, having that in mind helps me ease the pain which keeps on growing still.
Ganun naman talaga, hindi ba? Being clueless of everything hurts more. And so, people like me would wanna choose to think of something, no matter how dejecting it is, to keep one's sanity intact.
Mas nakakabaliw kapag wala kang alam at mas nakakalungkot kapag wala kang pinanghahawakan.
Marami akong naging tanong, sa sarili. Marami akong gustong itanong sa Kaniya.
I questioned everything simply because I don't understand.
Why does it all have to happen to me? May nagawa kaya akong mali? Ganun ba 'ko kasama para mangyari sa'kin 'to? Pero naging mabuti naman ako. Wala akong maalalang ginawang mali o kasalanan para karmahin ako ng gan'to.
Totoo kaya ang sinasabi nilang kapag masama ka sa nakaraang buhay mo, magdudusa ka sa susunod? Siguro iyon 'yon. Maybe I wasn't a good person in my past life? Maybe what has happened to me in this lifetime has something to do in the last one. That everything's happening to me right now is the cost of what I did in the past.
Then, it made sense. Siguro tatanggapin ko na lang ulit ang dahilan na 'yon nang sa gano'n maintindihan ko ang nangyayari at pinagdadaanan ko ngayon.
They said everything happens for a reason and I do believe that. Lahat ng nangyayari ay may dahilan. But can I ask for it? May I know what the reason was? Because I badly wanted to understand.
I was 6 years old when my parents passed away. Sa murang edad ay naulila kaagad ako. Iniwan nila ako, ni hindi ko man lang sila nakilala ng lubos. Kuwento lang nila ate ang dahilan para magkaroon ako ideya kung sino sila, kung anong klase ba silang mga magulang.
Are they as great as what I am imagining? Are they as good as what my sisters are telling me? Is it true that their love is forgiving and patient when all others are forsaking. That their they got an unconditional love like all the other? I don't know... and I feel bad for not knowing.
And to be honest, if it wasn't just for my sisters being my storyteller, they will remain strangers to me.
Bata pa lamang ako noon. Ni hindi ko na matandaan ang eksaktong nangyari. Nagising na lamang ako at narinig ang mga kapatid na umiiyak dahil wala na raw ang mga magulang. That memory isn't even that vivid.
Ang alam ko lang ay hindi na sila babalik at hindi na namin sila makakasama. Sabi ni Ate Vanji ay kinuha na Niya sila.
The memory I have with them felt like a dream that's slowly fading as time passes by. Unti unti ay nawawala na sila sa memorya ko at natatakot ako na darating ang panahon na kahit ang mukha nila ay makakalimutan ko na rin. I have their picture printed and placed inside my wallet, but I am afraid of the time that I'll look at their faces and feel empty, realizing that the connection and even the emotion I used to feel isn't the same as before, that it has far long gone and I wasn't able to protect it.
It was bittersweet to be reminded of the times where life had not wrecked us yet. When we're still complete and making happy memories. When all I do is wait for my parents to come home from work, they would cooked us our favorite, and every weekend they'd bring us to places.
Sa pagkawala ng mga magulang, naging malungkot ang dating masigla naming tahanan. Nakikita ko nalang ang mga kapatid na umiiyak o kung hindi naman ay nakatulala. It was traumatizing especially for a kid like me.
"Ate, bakit kayo umiiyak?" Malungkot kong naging tanong sa kanila. I can still remember how I just watched my older sisters cried. I don't know why then, I just realize it slowly while growing.
And one day, I woke up realizing that dying isn't actually the tragic one, being left behind by someone who's beyond close to your heart is the real definition tragedy.
Kasi hindi ba kapag namatay ka wala ka naman nang mararamdaman? Kapag namatay ka hindi ka na masasaktan? Kapag namatay ka malaya ka na sa lahat? At siguro kapag namatay ka na ay kasabay mong mawawala ang mga binuo mong mga ala-ala. Ang makakaranas na lamang ng mga paghihirap at sakit ay 'yung mga mahal mo sa buhay na naiwan. They would grieved, they would probably felt the extreme distress. I know because I've been there. That's what I think, that is how I understand it.
After my parents interment, everything has changed... in our lives... in the way I live my life.
Our home has never been the same again. Gone was the laughter echoing in the salas, our favorite food has never been served at the table, and the weekends were never celebrated anymore.
"Alagaan mo si Rose, Llana, huh?" Naluluhang bilin ni Ate Vanji. Walang naging tugon si Ate Llana kung hindi mabilis na pagtango kasabay ng mga hikbi habang ako ay nasa gilid lang nakaupo at pinapanood sila.
The atmosphere around our home was too heavy and seeing them cry doubled the pain I'm feeling.
May mga bagaheng nakalatag sa lapag ng aming maliit na salas na batid kong pag-aari ni Ate Vanji. Kagabi niya 'yon in-empake at pinanood ko pa siya habang tinatanggal ang halos lahat ng mga damit niya sa cabinet namin.
"Saan ka pupunta, Ate? Bakit ka umiiyak?" I was too young then to even understand what exactly is happening. "Bakit po kayo umiiyak?" Tanong kong muli nang makita si Ate Llana na nakaupo sa pang-dalawahang sopa.
Lumapit sa akin si Ate Vanji. Inilipat ko ang tingin sa kanya nang maramdamang lumuhod siya sa harapan ko. Inayos niya ang magulo kong buhok, tinipon niya into at saka tinalian ng rubber na nasa kamay niya.
"Marose, bunso, magpakabait ka ha? Aalis lang ako." Kita ko ang bawat pagbagsak ng luha niya.
"Bakit po?"
"Kailangan kasi... Kailangan ni Ate na magtrabaho. Para 'yon sa inyo, okay?" Ang maliit kong mga kamay ay hinaplos ang mukha niya, pinunasan ko ang basa niyang pisngi at saka binigyan siya ng isang matamis na ngiti.
"Ate, opo, magpakabait po ako. Huwag ka na iiyak," Sabi ko. "'Di ba sabi mo dati nakakapangit ang pag-iyak?" Dagdag ko na naging dahilan ng marahan niyang pagtawa.
Natuwa ako nang marinig ko ang sandaling pagtawa ni ate. Nang mga oras na iyon naisip ko na, at least nagawa kong mapatawa ang kapatid. And that's just so satisfying. Pagkatapos ng ilang araw na puro iyak at lungkot lamang ang nakikita ko at nadadama sa kanila, I feel the need to make them feel otherwise and I'm so glad that I did.
After that moment, my sister Vanji went away. She leave us, too like what my papa and mama did.
Natakot ako nang makitang unti unti siyang lumalayo sa amin.
Hinabol ko pa siya noon dahil napagtanto ko na ayaw ko pala siyang umalis, ayaw kong malayo siya sa akin... pero wala akong nagawa.
Sobrang nasaktan ang bata kong puso.
Pakiramdam ko kasi ay ayaw niya kaming makasama kaya nagawa niyang umalis. Naisip ko na masyadong malungkot sa bahay at ayaw niya na sa gano'n, na napagod siya sa amin, sa akin kaya umalis at pinili na magpakalayo-layo nalang.
Wala na nga sina mama at papa ay pati siya iiwan din kami. Pero kahit ganun, hindi ako nakaramdam ng galit sa kaniya. I was just sad and I got my heart broken.
Isang araw pagkatapos umalis ni Ate Van ay kinuha kami ni Auntie Rima. Tumira kami sa bahay nila kahit pa mayroon naman kaming sariling bahay. Sakaniya kasi kami inihabilin ni Ate Vanji at gusto naman ni Auntie na sakanila nalang tumuloy dahil mahihirapan siyang alagaan kami kung wala kami sa poder niya.
Pero may mga pagkakataon lang na pakiramdam ko ay hindi kami dapat nandoon lalo na nang bago lamang kaming lumipat. Pero mabuti nalang at mababait naman ang mga pinsan ko pati na rin si Auntie at Uncle. Nakita kong sinusubukan nilang maging komportable kaming kasama sila at ipinagpapasalamat ko iyon.
Pero habang lumalaki ay unti unti rin na nakaramdam ako ng pag-iisa. Kahit na madalas kong nakakasama ang mga pinsan at mga kaibigan, kahit na kapiling ko si Ate Llana, pakiramdam ko nag-iisa lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko may kulang sa akin... sa buhay ko, sa pagkatao ko.
But maybe it's all because my parents were gone. Ate Vanji left us for work. And Ate Llana isn't fine being with me. Hindi maayos ang lahat para sa akin.
Hindi kami magkasundo ni Ate Llana. I never even dared calling her 'Ate' when talking to her because maybe I don't feel like she's one for me and I was ashamed, too. Para kasing wala akong karapatan. Para rin namang hindi niya 'yon magugustuhan.
I just know I tried to be closer to her but I only feel like we're not going to be on the same page. She's always irritated just by seeing me. Although, I often laugh about it but inwardly, it actually hurt.
Hindi niya ako gustong makita palagi. I even heard her say that the more presence of me irritates her. Minsan kaya naisip niyang sana hindi niya nalang ako naging kapatid? O sana ay hindi nalang ako ang kapatid niya?
It hurts if that's the case. It's breaking me, but in the back of my mind, somehow, I feel sad for ate.
I want to say sorry about it but of course I won't have the courage to do so.
Nakakapanghinyang lang kasi dahil siya na nga lang ang pamilya kong nakakasama, hindi pa kami magkasundo. Lagi siyang naiinis sa akin, lagi akong tinatarayan at kung hindi naman ay hindi niya ako pinapansin na para bang hindi ako umiiral at wala siyang pakialam sa akin. I tried so many times to reach out to her but she never seemed to even care.
We are inches near but worlds apart. Akala mo ang lapit lang niya pero ang totoo, ang layo pala. Sa tuwing sinusubukan kong abutin siya, mayroong humaharang na pader palagi sa pagitan namin. A sturdy wall she built for herself that even those closest to her can't enter.
Umabot ako sa puntong pinili ko na lamang na inisin siya at pikunin dahil naisip kong kahit sa ganoong paraan lang ay magawa niya akong pansinin. And it worked. It always worked.
Kaya't halos araw-araw ay iniinis ko siya. Nagpapapansin ako kapag nakakaramdam ako bigla ng lungkot. Ginugulo ko siya sa tuwing may pagkakataon. Minsan nga kahit sa sarili ko ay naiinis na rin ako, e.
I tried everything for her to acknowledge my existence even when it's not through a good way, all because I want to feel her and I want her to feel me. Pero hindi alam ni Ate Llana 'yon. Perhaps, she just know that I am only a piece of annoying spoiled brat. Her sister that's been nothing but a pain in the life.
However, Ate Vanji knows. Sinasabi ko sa kaniya kapag nagkakaroon kami ng pagkakataong mag-usap. Kinukuwento ko sa kaniya na malungkot ako dahil sa hindi pagpansin ni Ate Llana, sa pagiging ilag niya sa akin. Nagsusumbong ako pero hindi iyong sumbong na gaya ng inaakala ni Ate Llana. Sigurado kasi akong ang alam noon ay inerereklamo ko siya palagi kay Ate Van pero hindi. I often tell Ate Vanji that I'm not fine with how Ate Llana has become.
Ate Llana has grown detached with me... with us actually. Ayoko 'yung mga ginagawa niya kasi iyon 'yung dahilan kaya naging malayo ang loob niya sa akin at pati na rin sa mga nakapaligid sa kaniya. Gusto kong tumigil na siya sa pinagkaka-interesan niya kasi baka sakaling maging maayos na kami pag nangyari iyon, baka magkaroon na siya ng oras sa amin o sa akin kapag itinigil na niya ang madalas na gawin.
Mula nang tumira kami sa bahay na 'to ay nag-umpisa na rin siyang magkaroon ng sariling mundo. Isang mundo na siya lang ang nakakaalam, isang mundong ayaw niyang sabihin sa iba.
My Ate Llana... she always hide her inner voice... always hiding her true colors and keeping her thoughts to herself. She's masking everything and I know it every time. Maybe because she thinks that no one will understand, someone she'll tell to will just going to put judgement on her and see her indifferently.
But honestly, if I were the one she'll tell to about her interests, her thoughts, and all, I won't ever do what's on her mind. Magiging masaya pa nga ako kung sakali. But then, it's all in my mind. Alam kong hindi 'yon mangyayari. Because she won't ever tell me and because she believes I'm not the right person to understand her. With all these thoughts, I realize one truth, that I am hurt.
Siguro nga tama sila. Kids grow up quickly when they're hurt. I felt the sudden growth in me. Nagawa kong maunawaan ang mga bagay tulad ng sitwasyon ko, sitwasyon ni Ate Van at kahit ng kay Ate Llana. Sa murang edad ay naiintindihan ko na kung bakit nagawang umalis ni Ate Van.
Naiintindihan ko na rin kung bakit naging ganun si Ate Llana. I think I know my sister more than anybody else. She belong to those people who keeps their feelings to themselves as they believe that others can't understand them, their pain and what they're going through. I have observed her every time and that's that. She may think that I'm not a good sister to her, but I hope someday she will be able to know that inside of me is a growing love existing specially for her.
Our fights, quarrels, little provocation and hurting one another has been our kind of bonding. At least, that's what I think.
But then, there were times that I just wanted to vanish especially when I feel insignificant.
Nakakapagod kasi kapag ganun. Pakiramdam ko wala akong kwenta, na hindi ako nakakatulong. So just maybe, I'm better off gone. I'm not needed, anyways.
I was just a child longing for love or even just a bit of attention, but sadly, that wasn't often given to me.
Nasanay na rin ako sa nagiging buhay ko, pero hindi ibig sabihin no'n ay hindi na ako nasasaktan.
Madalas pa rin akong naiinggit tuwing may pamilyang nakikita lalo pa yung mga kompleto at masaya. Ideas then came flooding back in my mind. What if's are forming and maybe's are surfacing. Kung kompleto pa rin siguro kami, hindi ko mararamdaman ang ganitong inggit. I'd probably live just like a child, free from pain because of one's experiences and getting the right love and care every child should feel.
Seeing a family in front of me, with that look of satisfaction and contentment... I feel glad for them but I feel sad for myself.

I always imagine myself having that kind of complete family, at least in my mind I feel happy even when sometimes it's making me sad already... because I know for a fact that it wasn't and will never be real no matter what I do.
That's how my life goes... envious of people with having an ideal life, feeling lonely, having a not so good relation with Ate Llana, being away with Ate Vanji... I thought it will remain that way but it does changed.
Nang magbago ang trato ni Ate Llana sa akin, pakiramdam ko ako na ang pinakamasaya sa mundo. That even when we are not in a good place or situation as there's a chaos happening behind us, I'm still so glad to encounter a different Ellana Barquez, my sister whom I thought I'd die not knowing or meeting.
I've almost pictured out the life I'm going to live... after we survive the cruel reality we're in.
But life itself doesn't go my way.
I'm starting to doubt my existence... like why am I even here? Ayoko na rito kung pulos sakit at paghihirap lamang ang nadadama ko. Ayoko na rito kung palagi ko na lamang makikitang iwanan ako ng mga taong mahal ko at mahalaga sa akin.
I don't understand why the good changes needed something in return. Something we're not ready for, something that haunts us as often as possible.
"Ate Llana, nandito na 'ko." Umupo ako sa harapan niya.
It was one chilly overcast day. I hugged both of my knees as I felt the sudden breeze touching my skin. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at dinama ang hangin. I don't know but it gave me comfort.
Tinignan ko ang kapatid at saka ngumiti.
My life has been full of tragedies, confusion, chaos, tears, miseries, and suffering. I have live it all, still surviving the life that was given to me.
Although my life was never ideal, but it helps me learn things, so maybe it wasn't all a bad thing. I learned a lot and those will always be part of my growth.
"It has been years, Ate..."
I can't believe how quickly the moments have passed. I can't believe how fast the time flies.