After Grandma rested that day, the mansion got busier. It took us days to prepare for her funeral and to inform those who are close to my grandma about her passing.
Now, the old mansion is filled with white lilies and daisies which are all her favorite flower. She must be happy right now on her adventure. I know she is but I can’t seem to be happy at the moment.
These past few years, I’ve been busy living my life in Manila that I barely even ask her about her current status. Gusto kong ibalik ang nakaraan, kung kaya ko lang….
Life always passes by us so quickly that when it’s over, all that’s left are regrets and guilt. Why does it have to be over before we even know it? Hindi ba pwedeng bigyan muna tayo ng notice?
But no matter how much we ask for notice or extension, what will come will come. People who are left need to keep moving along with time.
“Sailor, help me greet the visitors” Kumatok si mama sa aking pinto na siya namang sinagot ko ng tango. We’re wearing colorful clothes instead of black or white. Grandma’s personal request before she died was to make her funeral look like a celebration. She doesn’t want it to be dull, because to her ‘dull is not exciting, it has no thrill nor the looks of adventure’
“Your Aunt Azaida will come tomorrow with your cousins, your father will definitely not sleep tonight, kaya tayo na muna ang umasikaso sa mga bisita ng lola mo, para makapagpahinga siya ngayon pa lang”
“Uhm, Ma.. Is Dad’s mental health okay lately?”
“She just lost her mother so we can’t expect him to be fine, but he will be. He’ll get by! He’s your Father after all” Tinapik ni Mama ang aking pisnge at nginitian.
My day ended by welcoming Grandma’s visitors, most of them as old as her at galing pa sa siyudad. They traveled long hours just to see my Grandma at her last moment. Sinubukan naming iparamdam sa kanila na maging masaya kahit wala na siya. We send comforts to her close friends despite us needing comforts too.
The next day came and the happy atmosphere we were trying to build these past few days quickly shattered nang dumating si Aunt Azaida. Isang malakas na iyak ang sumalubong sa amin sa garden. Aunt Azaida quickly break down upon seeing her beloved mother in the white coffin. Dali-daling tumakbo si Papa patungo sa kanya para bigyan siya ng isang mahigpit na yakap. The moment their body touched was also the moment my father burst to tears. He’s like a child that needed comfort too from the person who understands his pain.
No matter how many times my Mother comforts him, nothing will beat the comforts your own sibling could give- the one that truly understands what your pain means.
We needed to give my aunt and my father time to catch up kaya naman ako ang nagasikaso sa pagsettle ng twin cousin ko. I helped them feel comfortable in their own room, and accompany them since Uncle Shen their father is downstairs accompanying their mother.
“What’s your name?” the twin on my right asked me, her brown eyes focused on my face. Aunt Azaida’s twin are already 6 years old, they grew up abroad, and thus the reason why they don’t know me.
“I’m Sailor, you must be Shia right?” I pinch her cheek and look at the silent girl on my left “and you must be Shai” she nodded, not really interested in what was happening.
“Sai, I like to call you Sai. Can I call you Sister Sai?” Shia asked smiling.
Ngumiti ako sa kanya “No problem, I like it.” No one really call me Sai before, I think It’s pretty cute.
I guided them to their room which is located on the second floor next to mine. While I was fixing their things at the cabinet Shia suddenly spoke in a lone tone.
“Sister Sai, Momma told us we’re here to meet Grandma but why did she cry earlier?” Itinigil ko ang ginagawa ko at tinignan siya. I also noticed Shai who have no interest earlier suddenly focused on our conversation.
Huminga ako ng malalim bago siya sagutin “Because, Grandma is no longer here. Aunt Azaida didn’t get to see Grandma at her goodbye”
“Where did Grandma go?” Shai, the quiet one spoke in a slow manner. Tila bang sinisigurado nito na maiintindihan ko ang sinasabi niya.
Ang pagpapaliwanag sa bata ay mas mahirap, they don’t know a lot of things and are still innocent about this world, so I go with the safest answer I could think.
“She went on a journey…. In the faraway island only she could go” mukha namang nakumbinsi sila sa sagot ko, kaya naman tumango sila at nagpatuloy na gawin ang paglalaro.
I accompanied them the whole day. Sinilip ni Uncle Shen ang mga bata nung tanghali at nagpaalam rin na uunahin raw muna niyang samahin si Auntie dahil mas kailangan siya nito. Kaya naman naiwan ako sa kambal buong mag-araw.
I quietly look at them sleeping next to each other, hinawi ko ang buhok na humarang sa mukha ni Shai at inayos ang kumot na nakabalot sa kanila. Siguro ay napagod sila kaya maagang nakatulog.
I made sure first na nasa maayos sila na kalagayan bago umalis sa kuwarto nila. Balak kong magtungo sa garden at silipin ang nangyayari doon. It’s Grandma’s 4th day of burial kaya naman mas dumami pa ang bisita kaysa sa mga naunang araw.
Ihahakbang ko na sana ang aking paa pababa sa hagdanan ng biglang may humila ng damit ko.
“Don’t leave. I’m scared.” Tinignan ko ng marahan si Shai. Her hair still disheveled, halatang galling sa pagkakahiga. I thought she’s sleeping. Nagising ko ba siya?
Ibinaba ko ang sarili ko para magkapantay ang aming mukha. “Bakit hindi ka pa natutulog? I thought you’re already sleeping, hmm”
Umiling ito sa akin bago nagsalita “I.. I can’t sleep”
Tumawa ako ng marahan dahil napakacute niyang tignan, para siyang cute na tuta na takot maiwan ng kaniyang amo. Despite her inattentive attitude earlier, I found out that Shai is actually clingy. “Then what should we do?” Tinignan ko ito sa mga mata niya na nilibot na sa paligid na parang naghahanap ng bagay na pagkakainteresan. She then pointed out at the wall.
Sinundan ko ang tinitignan niya at nakita ang painting yata na nakabalot sa putting tela. Bigla kong naalala ang painting na kasama sa picture ko na nakita ko sa diary.
Ito ba yun? I first scan the surrounding kung pareho ba ang puwesto nito tulad sa larawan.
Naagaw ng boses ni Shai ang aking atensyon. “What’s under that white cover?” tanong nito.
Hindi ko rin alam pero malakas ang kutob ko na ang painting nay un ay ito. Nagsalita muli si Shai bago ko pa maibigay ang sagot ko. “Can we see it?”
Aayaw na sana ako dahil di naman naming bahay ito, if Grandma covered that painting she must have had a reason for doing so. Kaya naman kung gusto naming ito galawin dapat ay magpaalam muna kami kay Ate Ria ang housekeeper ni Grandma. Pero nagmakaawa ng todo sa akin si Shai, she’s really curious on what kind of picture is under that white cover, kaya naman humakbang ako pababa sa hagdan ng ilang steps para makapunta sa kinaroronan ng painting.
Kasalukuyan na akong nakatayo sa flat surface na nakadugtong sa pababa pang hagdan para makapunta ka talaga sa first floor. Sinabihan ko si Shai na wag siyang gumalaw sa puwesto niya dahil baka malaglag siya sa hagdanan.
I tried to reach for the white cover pero di ko ito maabot dahil masyado itong mataas.
“Go Sister Sai!!, you can do it!” Pagchcheer ni Shai sa akin. I tiptoed para maabot ang white cover pero di ko pa rin talaga maabot. I sighed and decided to get the small chair na nasa library.
Matapos kong makuha ang upuan, ipinwesto ko ito sa may hagdanan, pumatong ako pero di ko pa rin talaga maabot. Hays, malas talaga ‘tong height ko.
Bumaba ako sa upuan at nilapitan si Shai na nasa bungad ng hagdan.
“I’m sorry Shai, Sister Sai is too small, I can’t reach it…” Napansin ko ang pagkadismaya sa mukha nito “How about we just see it tomo-“ bago ko pa tuluyang matapos ang sasabihin ko paiyak na ang mukha ni Shai.
Nooooo, di ako marunong magpatahan ng bata. Umiyak ito at pinupunas punasan ang kanyang mga mata. Palakas ng palakas ang kanyang mga iyak habang ako naman ay sinusubukan siyang patahanin.
“Shhhhhh, Don’t cry please.. I promise we’ll do it tomorrow” kahit anong kumbinsi ko sa kanya ay di talaga siya tumitigil. One attitude of Shai that I noticed is that once she got curious over something, hindi niya ito titigilan.
I resorted to one thing para mapatahan na siya. Huminga ako ng malalim at pinunasan ang mga luha sa kanyang mata.
“I’ll uncover it right now, just stop crying okay?” Tumango ako sa kanya at pinahid ang kanyang likod para tumahan na siya. “I’ll try again, right now” biglang tumigil ang iyak nito.
If she’s not a kid iisipin ko talaga na minamanipulate ako nitong pinsan ko… But later on, I realized that I’m doing it for myself too, my curiosity is killing me too.
I once again stepped on the small chair in front of me sinusubukang abutin ang white cover. When I couldn’t reach it itinungkod ko na ang mga daliri ko sa paa. Inistretch ko pa ng todo ang mga kamay ko para maabot ko ito.
Naramdaman ko na ang dulo ng tela sa mga kamay ko pero hindi pa rin ito sapat kaya naman inurong ko paatras ang kanan kong paa. Hindi ko namalayan na ayun na pala ang pinakadulo ng upuan.
Abot kamay ko na ang tela nng bigla akong maout of balance. Naramdaman ko nalang ang sarili ko na dumausdos pababa ng hagdanan. Ang iba’t ibang parte ko nanakit dahil sa lakas ng tama nito sa sementadong hagdan. Ilalagay ko na sana ang kamay ko sa aking ulo upang maprotektahan ito pero bago ko pa magawa, tumama ito sa matulis na dulo ng hagdan.
Sobrang bilis ng pangyayari. Ang sakit ng katawan ko at hindi ako makagalaw. Nararamdaman ko nalang ang mainit na likido na gumugulong mula sa aking ulo pababa sa aking leeg. Pinagpapawisan ba ako?
Sunod kong narinig ang malakas na iyak ni Shai, bakit siya umiiyak? ‘Shh tahan na..’ gusto kong sabihin ang mga katagang iyon pero di ko mabigkas. Para bang nakatakip ang aking bibig. Hindi ko rin magalaw ang aking ulo tanging mata ko nalang ang mulat sa nangyayari.
The next thing I knew, pinapalibutan na ako ni Mama at Papa, Auntie Azaida at Uncle Shen. May pagaalala sa kanilang mga mukha.
‘bakit sila nag-aalala? Ayos lang naman ako’
Lumalabo na rin ang aking pandinig… naririnig ko ang sigawan at iyak ni Mama pero para silang tunog na nasa ilalim at natatakpan ng kung ano. May humawak ng kamay ko at tinapik ang pisngi ko.
The unfamiliar person in front of me were trying to speak but I couldn’t understand him. Inilipat nito ang tingin niya sa aking mga magulang.
Mama is crying while Father had panic written all over his face. I hate this. I hate to see them look at me like that. I don’t want Mama to cry or Papa to worry about me.
Hindi ko na maintindihan ang nangyayari sa paligid ko… Am I dying? I had a huge fall and my head hit something very hard.. so that’s the only consequence I could think of.
Susunod na ba ako kay Grandma? All my thoughts are making me dizzy, I want to close my eyes…. My vision is getting blurry too.
Ipipikit ko na sana ang mga mata ko nang bigla akong tapikin sa pisnge ng lalaki na hindi ko kilala at mamukhaan “Don’t sleep”…
But I’m tired, sinubukan kong labanan ang pagpikit ng talukap ng mata ko pero hindi ko talaga ata kaya.
My eyelids got heavier as time pass by, gusto na nitong pumikit but before it closes on their own, my eyes settled and stared at one thing.
The moment before I close my eyes, I saw the Painting.. it was indeed the painting on that picture in my diary. It feels like I’m back to being that kid many years ago because that feeling is still there.
The feeling that the painting is alive and that it wants to take me, I’m not wrong. The painting is indeed very weird and sort of magic as it glows in my eyes before my consciousness drifts away.