"Concerned? Ngayon ko lang narinig 'yan, a'. Uso pala 'yon."
Sarkastikong saad ko at mahinang tumawa.
I don't really know if I would believe him. What does he really want from me? What's his intention? I know he wouldn't say that if he doesn't want something.
Nanatiling seryoso ang kaniyang ekspresyon. Unti-unting lumalim ang gatla sa kaniyang noo bago nagsalita.
"Bakit ka ba ganiyan? Ikaw na nga 'tong inaalala pero..." Humugot siya nang malalim na hininga at marahas na umiling.
My brows raised because of what he just told me. Did I tell him to worry about me? Who is he to demand? Siya nga itong lapit nang lapit sa akin, hindi naman ako.
"Sino bang may sabing mag-alala ka?" I asked and glared at him. "H'wag mo akong kaawan." Paulit-ulit akong umiling at nilabanan ang kaniyang mga tingin.
"I don't need your pity." I even added. His lips tugged up because of that.
"Look, Freinne, I just don't want to see a woman crying." He puffed out a loud breath and stood up.
He slowly walked towards me, almost leaving no space between us. My eyes almost rounded when he held my left arm.
Para akong napaso dahil sa paraan ng pagkakahawak niya kaya naman humakbang ako ng isa paatras.
He bit his lower lip and gave me an apologetic look.
"I'm sorry. Gusto ko lang naman na maramdaman mong may isang taong gustong damayan ka."
Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ko sa kaniyang sinabi at hindi ko rin kailangan ng taong kakaawaan ako. Hindi ko kailangan ng awa mula sa kahit sino. Sa tanang buhay ko, wala pa akong naging karamay bukod sa sarili ko at sa bunso kong kapatid.
Dahan-dahan akong naglakad paatras at iniwan siya roon na nakatayo. Pinanood niya lang ako hanggang sa mawala na ako sa kaniyang paningin.
I slowly opened my eyes when I heard the sound of my alarm coming from my phone. I gently rubbed my eyes before looking at the wall clock of my room.
It's already 11 in the evening. Todo review ako dahil kinabukasan ay ang unang araw ng periodical exam namin. My gaze drifted on my study table, it was messy. My books, notes, and highlighters are everywhere.
Napakamot ako sa noo ko at itinabi muna ang mga 'yon sa gilid. Sinarado ko ang mga libro at pinagpatong-patong. Tumayo ako at nagtungo sa kama ko upang kuhain ang pantali ko sa buhok.
I just put my hair into a messy bun before coming out. Good thing, the lights are still open so I don't have to bring my phone with me to use its flashlight.
Dahan-dahan akong bumaba ng hagdan at dumiretso sa kusina. Napatigil ako noong marinig ang boses ni Maggie na tila may kausap. Gumilid muna ako sa pintuan at nakita kong nakasandal siya sa island counter.
"Yes, yes, fetch me tomorrow, hon." Nasa kanang tenga niya ang phone niya at may kausap sa kabilang linya.
Our eyes met when I entered the kitchen. She raised a brow and glared at me. I didn't mind her, she was always like that.
I went to the corner since the refrigerator was there. I get a glass on the stainless steel rack and placed it above the marble countertop. Napalakas yata ang pagpatong ko dahil lumikha iyon ng ingay.
Bumaling ang paningin ko kay Maggie noong tinawag niya ako. Magkasalubong ang kaniyang kilay. Tinakpan niya ang speaker ng kaniyang phone bago nagsalita.
"Maglalapag ka na nga lang ng baso, mag-iingay ka pa." She irritatingly dictated. She was stomping her feet on the ground while walking out of the kitchen.
"Why did she even become my sibling? Such a fool." I heard her murmuring before she vanished out of my sight.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Inalis ko na lang agad sa isipan ko ang sinabi niya. Bakit nga ba hindi pa ako masanay-sanay?
I pulled the handle of the refrigerator and brought out a box that contains a fresh milk. I poured the milk into the glass and took a sip. My hand automatically reached to my temple when it suddenly ached. I shut my eyes tightly.
Para akong nahihilo. Ilang araw na akong kulang sa tulog, abala kasi sa pagrereview. Ipinilig ko na lang ang ulo sa gilid, baka sakaling humupa ang sakit.
Noong pakiramdam kong maayos na ang pakiramdam ko ay inubos ko muna ang iniinom ko at hinugasan ang baso. Dali-dali na rin akong pumanhik sa itaas upang ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral. May dalawang major subject pa akong kailangang ireview.
I opened my notes again and browsed it. Pilit kong nilalabanan ang antok ko dahil baka wala akong maisagot bukas kung makakatulog ako ngayon.
I read again but ended up pulling my hair because of frustration. Hindi pumapasok ang ibang information sa utak ko. I can't memorize them all.
I finished reviewing at exactly 4:30 in the morning. I immediately laid on my bed and dozed off to sleep.
Mahigit tatlong oras lang ang itinagal ng tulog ko.
I saw dark circles under my eyes when I went in front of the mirror to brush my hair. I look like a panda, damn.
Dumiretso na lang ako sa banyo at naligo na. After wearing our uniform, I combed my shoulder length hair. It was dark brown, I stared at it from the mirror. Hinayaan ko na lang itong nakaladlad.
Noong matapos sa pag-aayos ng sarili, kinuha ko ang puting tote bag ko na nakapatong sa sofa na katapat ng kama ko. Ito lang ang dadalhin ko dahil exam day naman, isang notebook, pad paper, ballpen at lapis lang ang inihanda ko. Kasama na rin ang iba pang mga importanteng gamit ko.
When I entered the dining room, they're already eating. Hinila ko ang upuang nasa tabi ni Maggie at naupo roon. Nasa kabisera si Dad at nasa kanan naman niya si Mom. Kami naman ni Maggie ang nasa kaliwang bahagi niya. I was silent the whole time we were eating while they were happily talking about random things.
Lahat kami ay natigilan noong marinig ang pag-iingay ng doorbell.
"Who's that?" Dad frowned and gave us a questioning look.
Maggie cleared her throat before talking.
"I think that's my boyfriend, Dad. I told him to pick me up." Tumango naman si Dad at ngumiti.
Parang nagulat si Maggie dahil doon.
"You're not mad, Dad?" Maggie asked him in disbelief.
Dad let out a chuckle before shaking his head.
"Your Mom already told me about him." His eyes drifted to Mom.
Mom winked at Maggie and gave her a small smile. Maggie's lips curved into a smile.
"I told you. I got you, honey. Your boyfriend is a good guy." Mom muttered.
"You're happy with him so I'm happy for you as well. H'wag ka lang niyang sasaktan. I don't want to see my princess hurting." Dad's expression became darker.
"I love you, Dad." My sister stood up to gave Dad a tight hug. Dad messed her hair and replied.
"I love you, Mags." Hinalikan ni Maggie ang pisngi ng aming mga magulang bago nagpaalam.
Sabay na tumuon sa akin ang mga mata nila noong nakaalis na ng dining room si Maggie. Nawala ang mga ngiti nila at sumeryoso.
Dahan-dahan akong tumayo at saka nagsalita. "Aalis na rin po ako."
"Bilisan mo, Freinne. Malelate ka na." Dad reminded so I turned my back on them and walked out of the dining room.
Pagkalabas ko ng bahay ay nasa labas na rin ang sasakyan at naghihintay na roon si Kuya Danny. Hinila niya ang pinto ng van, mahina akong nagpasalamat bago pumasok.
We got to the university right away since there was no traffic. I ran my fingers through my hair when it got blown by the wind right after I went out of the van. It got messy, so I had to fix it while heading to our classroom.
I directly sat down on my chair and placed my tote bag on the vacant seat beside me. My brows furrowed when I noticed a white sticky note on my desk.
Kunot-noo ko itong inalis sa pagkakadikit at binasa. Hindi ko alam kung kanino galing ito dahil wala namang nakalagay na pangalan. Hindi rin ako sigurado kung para sa akin nga ba talaga ito.
'Lo siento. Good luck.'
Lalo lang lumalim ang gatla sa aking noo. Lumingon-lingon ako hanggang sa masalubong ko ang kaniyang tingin.
Umiwas ng tingin si Zillian at tumungo bigla sa kaniyang desk.
Siya kaya ang nagdikit nito? Lo siento? What does it mean? And why the hell would he leave a note on my desk? He's always leaving me clueless.
Naputol lamang ang pag-iisip ko noong pumasok na ang proctor namin.
"Nandito na ba ang lahat?"
Sumagot ang mga kaklase ko habang ako naman ay naglalabas na ng lapis at ballpen . Itinago ko na lang ang sticky note sa loob ng bag ko dahil mawawala lang ako sa focus kapag patuloy kong inisip kung sino ang naglagay at kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng nakasulat doon.
"Get one and pass." I heard the proctor said.
Kumuha ako ng isang scantron sheet na ipinasa ng nasa harapan ko.
May dalawa pang natira kaya naman tumayo ako at naglakad papalapit sa proctor naming nakatayo sa gilid ng teacher's table.
"Sir, may sobra po." Inabot ko sa kaniya ang mga hawak ko at tipid naman siyang tumango, seryoso pa rin.
"You may now go back to your seat." I went back to my seat and wrote my name on the scantron sheet while waiting for the questionnaires.
When the first questionnaire came, I immediately read the questions and shaded the right answers on the scantron sheet. I used a pencil so I can easily erase my answer if it's wrong. Madali akong natapos dahil English lang naman ang unang subject namin.
After one hour saka pa lang ibinigay ang questionnaire para sa susunod na subject.
Oh, hell, it was Mathematics. This subject will be the death of me.
"Ten minutes left." My hand was already trembling while solving an equation.
I was still on number 40. Kanina pa ako sa number na 'to dahil ang mga lumalabas na sagot sa mga solution ko ay wala sa choices.
"Three minutes left."
I'm still on number 43! Mariin akong napapikit at nagmulat din. Pinilit kong magsolve pa ngunit parang ayaw nang gumana ng utak ko.
"Pass your papers now. Finished or not finished." The proctor strictly said so I don't have a choice but to pass my scranton sheet.
Hindi ko na nasagutan ang ibang items dahil kinapos na sa oras, bahala na, ayaw ko namang hulaan. Kinuha ng proctor ang answer sheets namin dahil magkakaroon ng 30 minutes break time. Pagkatapos ay babalik na uli sa pagsasagot. Dalawang subject pa, bukas ay last day na. Dalawang araw lang talaga ang periodical namin.
When all my classmates finally left, I brought out the sticky note again and stared at the words written on it for a long time. I need to confirm who left it here.
I leaned against the railings across our classroom. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down on my feet. Kalalabas ko lang dahil tapos ko na ang mga exam para sa araw na ito.
"Quinn, can you help me?"
Umangat ang tingin ko dahil sa nagsalita. It was a student from the other section. I know her face but I don't know her name. Nakikita ko siya minsan, pasilip-silip sa bintana ng room namin.
Naguguluhang tumingin sa babae si Zillian.
"Uh, excuse me, but who are you?"
Bahagyang napipilan ang babae ngunit agad din namang nakabawi at ngumiti.
"I'm Torri! From section C." She extended her hand for a handshake, Zillian gladly accepted it.
"What can I do to help you?" Zillian asked, his eyes left the girl's gaze.
He was now looking at me with a blank expression.
Nakita kong hinawakan ng babae ang braso niya kaya naman dahan-dahang bumalik ang tingin niya rito.
"Can you tutor me? Nahihirapan kasi ako sa Math." Tila nahihiyang sabi nito.
"Sure, maybe after the exams, we'll begin our sessions." Hindi man lang nagdalawang isip si Zillian na pumayag.
Napatalon sa tuwa ang kausap niya at basta na lang nitong ipinulupot ang mga braso sa kaniya. Kumalas ang babae noong marealize yata ang ginawa niya.
"D-don't worry, I'll pay you." Zillian shook his head and showed a genuine smile.
"No need, I don't want anything in return."
I badly want to go home now but I can't since I am waiting for him. I need to ask him about the sticky note.
"Zillian." I called his name when he was about to walk away.
Tapos na siyang makipag-usap sa estudyanteng galing sa kabilang section.
Mula sa lapag, marahan niyang inangat ang tingin papunta sa akin.
"Why?" He asked using a cold tone.
"Are you the one who left this on my desk?" I lifted up my hand to show him the sticky note.
He just shrugged his shoulders and turned his back on me.
How dare him! Fine, if he doesn't want to answer, then don't! I wouldn't force him.
A week have passed since our periodical exam. Our adviser is already giving us our report card for the first quarter.
"Miss Legazpi, where's your guardian?" Our adviser asked when she noticed that I'm alone.
"My parents are busy, Ma'am." Napalitan ng awa ang nagtataka niyang tingin.
I hate it when people pity me.
Tinanggap ko na lang ang brown envelope na iniabot niya at binuksan 'yon upang makita ang grades ko. Lahat 90 pataas.
Nagsipasukan ang mga kaklase ko kaya naman lalong dumami ang mga tao sa loob ng room. Nandito rin kasi ang mga magulang nila pero hindi naman problema 'yon dahil malaki naman ang room.
Our adviser has already started announcing the students on the honors list.
"The second rank is Miss Freinne Aria Legazpi with an average of 95.25 percent."
I heard them clapping their hands for me, but I didn't feel any happiness at all.
Second rank. Second rank again. I did everything I can but I'm still on the second rank. My family is right, I'm stupid.
When I got home, I directly went to my Mom's office. I knocked on the door.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa nakayanang dumiretso rito.
My knees were trembling, as well as my hands. Hawak ko sa kanang kamay ang envelope.
"Come in."
Pinihit ko ang doorknob at tuluyan nang pumasok sa opisina niya. Naabutan ko siyang nakaupo habang may binabasang mga files.
"What do you need?"
Napalunok ako dahil sa kabang nararamdaman.
"I need your signature. Our adviser already gave us our report cards." I still managed to talked clearly.
Her brows raised and extended her hand. I gave her the envelope. I was biting my lower lip the whole time she was examining my grades.
"What's your rank?"
"S-second." This time, my voice already quivered.
"Bullshit!" Napaigtad ako sa lakas ng kaniyang sigaw.
Mariin akong napapikit noong marinig ang sunod-sunod niyang sinabi.
"You're such a disappointment! Sinabi ko na sa 'yong mag-aral ka pero pangalawa ka na naman! Hanggang diyan ka na lang talaga? 'Yan lang ang kaya mo? When will you make us proud, huh?" Her words feels like a stab in my chest.
Para akong pinapatay nang paulit-ulit sa bawat salitang namumutawi sa kaniyang bibig. Nais kong sabihing h'wag siyang mag-alala dahil kahit ako, bigo rin sa kakayahan ko. Siguro nga, hanggang dito na lang ako. Hindi na nga siguro dadating ang araw na maipagmamalaki nila ako dahil ganito lang ako.
She threw my report card on the floor so I immediately crouched to get it. Tears are already pooling at the corner of my eyes but I'm trying hard to not let it fall.
"I won't sign that. Go out. I don't want to see you."
Nagmamadali akong lumabas ng opisina niya at nakasalubong pa si Maggie na nasa pintuan at mahinang tumatawa, kanina pa siguro siya naroon at pinapanood akong mapagalitan.
Nagtungo naman ako sa opisina ng ama ko, umaasang pipirmahan niya ang card ko. Mahina akong kumatok kahit pa bukas naman ang pinto. Kumunot ang noo niya nang makita ako, maraming nakakalat na mga papel sa ibabaw ng mesa niya.
"Why are you here?" I placed the report card above his table.
"Can you sign my report card?" I hopefully asked. He tsked before grabbing a pen. Pinirmahan niya nga iyon at ibinalik sa akin.
"Thank you, Dad."
"Lumabas ka na, marami pa akong ginagawa, ayokong maistorbo."
Hinayaan kong mamalisbis ang mga luha mula sa mga mata ko. Nagtataas-baba ang aking mga balikat dahil sa sunod-sunod na hikbing kumakawala. Niyakap ko ang aking tuhod at idinikit ang noo roon.
Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko at umiyak nang walang tunog noong marinig kong bumukas ang pinto ng classroom. Masakit na ang mga mata ko at alam kong namumugto na iyon dahil halos kalahating oras na rin simula nang mag-uwian at sinadya kong magpaiwan dito.
Parang sirang plakang nagpapaulit-ulit sa utak ko ang mga sinabi nila kahapon. Bakit ganito? Dapat na akong masanay dahil ilang taon naman nang ganito ang nangyayari pero ang hina-hina ko pa rin. Hindi ko pa rin matakasan ang mga salita nila.
"Mierda! Donde está mi collar?" I heard a very familiar voice, I knew it was him but he was speaking in a language that I do not know.
"Magpakita ka na---" Natigilan siya kaya naman umangat ang paningin kong malabo pa rin dahil sa mga luha roon.
"Freinne." Nakaawang ang labi niya at tila hindi alam ang sasabihin. Hindi rin ako nagsalita at tumungo na lang uli. Wala na akong pakialam kahit pa makita niya ako sa ganitong sitwasyon.
"Hey, what happened?" He carefully and softly asked. Marahan kong inangat ang aking paningin upang mapabalik sa kaniya.
I can see different emotions in his eyes. Ang pag-aalala ang pinaka nangingibabaw sa lahat.
"Go away." I gestured him the door but he shook his head and slowly kneeled both of his knees on the floor.
"What's your problem?" The back of his hand reached out to caressed my face.
"You're my problem." I whispered as another batch of tears rolled down my cheeks.
Naramdaman ko na lang na pinalis niya ang basa sa pisngi ko gamit ang kaniyang hinlalaki pero hindi pa rin maawat sa paglaglagan ang mga ito.
"Did I really do something wrong to you for you to hate me that much?" He was so serious when he asked that, and curious at the same time.
"Why can't I be the first?" I repeatedly whispered to myself.
He reached for my hands and squeezed it gently so I felt the warmth of his hand.
"You don't need to be on the first rank. You're smart, Freinne, why can't you see that?" Sadness was evident in his voice. He played with my hands while his eyes were still fixed on mine.
"You don't understand."
"Then make me understand."
Binawi ko ang kamay ko sa kaniya ngunit hinawakan niya ito muli. Matagal nagkatitigan ang aming mga mata.
He dried my tears again before pulling me closer to him, I can clearly hear his breathing. He slowly wounded his arms around me, I didn't protest. I buried my face on his chest and let myself cry again.
This is the first time that I felt someone really cared about me without even pretending.