Sian lifted her teacup and took a slow sip. The Darjeeling tea she ordered had a light, refreshing, and complex flavor on her tongue. This black tea always made it onto her list of favorites.
"You seem satisfied. Do you think my choice is good enough?" San asked from his seat. He was now wearing a suit and looked much neater than before. He deliberately invited Sian to go to a tea salon in one of the classic restaurants for a romantic tea time together in a subtle way.
"I admit your taste is good. But it would feel more perfect if I went with Cater instead of you," she said, trying to be polite. "Today, I've had plenty of romantic outings with you, instead of with my husband. Am I now swapping my partner for another man?" Sian hinted.
San wanted to laugh. If only Sian knew the truth, maybe she wouldn't dare speak to him like this. But he himself wasn't interested in telling her the actual truth about what happened to her, or even not interested at all and wanted to let her figure it out herself.
"Is that so?" It was just a short response from San, as if he wasn't bothered by all the sarcasm Sian directed at him.
"You're annoying. Too stubborn. Forcing your will on others." Such words flowed freely from Sian's mouth.
San smiled thinly. He felt amused hearing those words. In the concept of romance he understood, forcing and being selfish were reasonable actions when someone tried to show the persistence of their love in pursuing someone they liked.
"Doesn't that apply to you too?" he replied calmly.
Sian was surprised. Strangely, that simple question felt judgmental to her. Although she would never admit it herself.
"No!" Sian replied firmly.
"What's the proof?"
Sian bit her lip, feeling doubtful. "My relationship with Cater. Isn't that more than enough for proof?"
San remained silent, not replying. His facial expression was difficult to interpret. This made Sian feel even more judged by him.
The conversation had turned unpleasant. San himself admitted he didn't like this. So, he decided to give in this time. For him, acting selfishly in front of Sian would only cause misunderstanding. It was better not to involve his selfish feelings too much now. Just keep it in his heart, as he had done before.
"Okay. I apologize, my words went too far earlier," San said humbly.
Hearing San's apology should have made Sian feel relieved or happy. But strangely, she didn't feel victorious but rather, a gnawing feeling that made her increasingly restless.
San silently acknowledged Sian's restless feelings. But he chose to pretend not to know.
"Sian, don't dwell too much on my words earlier. If you are really firm in your decision, I will always respect your decision. You are an attractive woman who truly resembles Elizabeth Bennet. I don't mean to exaggerate this."
"And strangely, you also resemble Mr. Darcy," replied Sian.
The literary work "Pride and Prejudice" itself was a literary work that both Sian and San liked. Sian's interest in literature was more compatible with San than with her own husband. But it didn't mean she had to love San even though they had similar interests.
"But we will both remain ourselves. There's no Elizabeth Bennet or Mr. Darcy here. There's only me and Cater regarding our relationship. And you alone here, San." Sian stared at San intently as if her gaze would never leave him.
San felt a little disappointed, and he couldn't lie to his feelings. Sian's words just now seemed to indicate the firmness of Sian's self in stating that he was just someone else in her life.
His heart hurt and that couldn't be denied. But he wondered, would Sian change her views and decisions if she knew the truth about her husband? Would Sian turn to him if she knew that Cater didn't see her as a worthy woman in a romantic relationship?
In reality, it wasn't just Sian who suffered here. But he himself also suffered in this love drama. Why did love often cause pain, yet feel so addictive and make him feel dependent even though it hurt?
***
The journey to Sian's hotel felt awkward. In the taxi, San almost didn't speak at all, while Sian was still too busy with her own world.
"Let me pay," San interrupted when he saw Sian was about to pay the taxi fare upon arriving at their destination.
"Okay. Thank you, San," Sian said before turning to go into the hotel.
San nodded, smiling thinly. The taxi door was closed again, leaving him alone as a passenger and a driver who drove the taxi.
Sian's words when they were in the tea salon earlier still felt so vivid in his memory. San didn't want to make all this difficult. It seemed like it would be even harder if he forced his feelings. Sian and Cater's relationship might end. But clearly, Sian's heart would be very difficult for him to have.
Is this the pain of unrequited love? Loving someone for a long time often made him want to give up many times. San had thought that when Sian got married, her love would disappear just like that. But what happened was just the opposite. Especially when he found out the fact that Cater still had feelings for another woman.
Tiredness and frustration haunted him. He didn't know what to do with his own feelings. He should be able to give up easily, but for some reason, his heart was so stubborn in maintaining his liking for a woman who never even glanced at him once.
It seemed like this was the torment of love that his twin brother had felt before. The agony of love and its sting, made his heart feel so painful.
***
St. John's Gardens, tonight felt quite serene, the beautiful garden located in the center of Liverpool was where San was currently pondering.
His favorite Esse Change Grape cigarette was smoked vigorously, making his lungs work harder than usual. Although the cigarette tasted sweet, his heart grimaced.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
The strains of Adele's song "Someone Like You" played on purpose and he listened to it with his earphones.
"I will never find someone as special as you," San muttered to himself. He deeply felt the song, memories of the past continued to spin in his mind.
"Don't forget me," I beg
I remember you said
Why do you easily forget me while I find it so hard to forget you? San grabbed his own hair roughly. It's always like this... he's the only one who keeps feeling heartbroken alone.
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"
Why? Why? When I try to maintain this feeling of love that has pain in it, it only hurts me more?
Unbeknownst to San, tears continued to fall from his eyes. Keeping a love for years wasn't an easy matter for him. He really wanted to give up even from before... but strangely, his heart felt so determined to maintain his pain.